Secret Ghost Lust Means War Valor Gone
Bummer for the ghost. A fallen soldier gets recognized for bravery in war, only to lose it because she/he hid being horny. What kind of military denies soldiers the right to keep and bear secrets? Speaking of which, we should probably keep our noses out of The Secret Life Of Arrietty (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“An oasis of calm in the normally hyperactive world of toon entertainment.” Matt Brunson Creative Loafing
An oasis of animated calm actually exists. Walt Disney hid a speakeasy inside Disneyland for visiting celebrities, executives, and dignitaries. If the club accepted cartoons, it’d be where Buzz cools down and Donald starts to sound normal.
“Arrietty has an elegiac mood, like a more wan and sedate Toy Story.” Margot Harrison Seven Days
One Woody looks sedated, the other looks frisky
“Upon leaving the theater, a girl of about 6 turned to her grandmother and said dreamily, “That.Was.The.Best.Movie.Ever.” And that sums up why this little movie is so very big.” Washington Post Amy Joyce
Is. This. The. Longest. Sentence. You. Have. Ever. Seen. That. Repeatedly. Uses. Periods?
“Set in an enchanting locale where the potential for magic is everywhere, this impeccable animated film puts its complete trust in the spirit of make-believe.” Los Angeles Times Kenneth Turan
As long as the catch isn't make-believe
“So many of today’s children’s movies are loud. Loud explosions, loud colors, loud soundtracks, loud humor. The animated The Secret World of Arrietty is the antidote to those films.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Jody Mitori
The antidote to loud is quaffable quiet. If someone poisoned my palaverous pallet with shhhhh-syrup, I might summon Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“This film sucks on a level I can scarcely describe.” Rob Vaux Mania.com
Someone is always up to the challenge. Annnnd go.
“The smugness of the film grows wearying long before the end. Just because the people on and behind the camera are willing to acknowledge what we’re watching is ridiculous crap doesn’t really change the fact that, well, it is.” Movieline Alison Willmore
This smug shit is confidently crappy.
“A movie about a man who is frequently on fire SHOULD NOT BE BORING!” Eric D. Snider EricDSnider.com
I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
“Cage-ophiles will find some delectable freakouts in Blaze’s transformation – or near transformation – scenes. Otherwise, the committee-penned script combines yokel-friendly haw-haw irreverence (non-sequitur cutaways to the Rider pissing in a flamethrower pattern) and sweaty monologues about “controlling the Rider” (the character is basically a mean drunk’s superhero).” Village Voice Nick Pinkerton
Does the mean drunk superhero fly around drinking or does he protect drunks? If he does both, he’d be a great bouncer at Ol’ Walt’s speakeasy.
“For acting to be this bad in movie not directed by Michael Bay or George Lucas, it has to be intentional [sic].” ReelViews James Berardinelli
Ouch. Piss off either one of those multi-billion-dollar egos and they might point to their life-size Transformer and say This Means War (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Technically, movies don’t give off a scent, but This Means War is so smarmy that it seems to reek of cheap cologne.” Time Mary Pols
Given the Valentine’s Day release date, it deserves to get stood up.
“Charmless and histrionic, this mean-spirited movie takes place in the toyscape of McG (Charlie’s Angels), a monomonikered director who makes Michael Bay seem thoughtful.” Time Out New York Joshua Rothkopf
Be careful what you say about Bay. The guy shits gold bricks, which his interns use to build statues of movies he’s directed; a solid gold Alcatraz for the Rock, 24-carat Semi-truck for Transformers, and a giant shiny bomb for Pearl Harbor.
"I make movies for teenage boys. Oh dear, what a crime." Michael Bay
“This Means War is not funny enough to succeed as a comedy. It’s not emotionally deft enough to succeed as a romance. And it’s not exciting enough to succeed as an action film. It’s a high-energy, fast-paced explosion of moments that can be edited together to make a compelling trailer.” ReelViews James Berardinelli
Not all movies should be the same length. Some are best viewed over a commercial break.
“The result is 98 minutes of moronic stupidity already being labeled on the Internet as ‘the worst movie of the year.’” New York Observer Rex Reed
You can’t say the Internet says something when you’re someone writing on the Internet. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and implies your reviewer integrity is Gone (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Gone is a mystery/thriller that is neither mysterious nor thrilling and proves Amanda Seyfried is quite a ways off at becoming a leading lady of quality entertainment.” Matthew Pejkovic Matt’s Movie Reviews
A thrill-less thriller makes the title more appropriate, as in ‘The suspense is…’
Was Shaggy a good one?
“Jill’s sister is not the only thing missing from Gone: Tension, thrills, scares and a remotely satisfying ending are also MIA.” Matt Singer Time Out Chicago
The movie has plenty of emptiness
“Poor writing, flaccid direction deliver a tedious look at a woman in peril. First Riding Hood, now Gone, Seyfried’s got two recent films about fleeing from a killer in the forest. Maybe it’s time to rethink the woods…” Kimberly Gadette Doddle
Instead of replacing the woods, the characters should trade fleeing for Wanderlust (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“So this is a good comedy, as bad as it can be and still be good, but good.” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle
It’s good at being bad, almost good good, and slightly good-bad, but good.
“None of the hilarity is enough to keep Wanderlust from feeling like a late-night comedy-show sketch stretched to feature length. But why look a giggle-prone gift horse in the mouth?” Time Out New York Keith Uhlich
Giddy-up and giggle
“Despite some amusing moments, everyone simply works too hard at providing rambunctious zaniness, until one grows painfully aware the inevitable outtakes reel will be superior to the movie.” Variety Brian Lowry
Similar to trailers being superior to the full-length film, it’s disconcerting when snafus surpass the show.
“Wagging a limp dick at a host of up-to-the-minute issues, Wanderlust, manages to feel current, and relatively funny, without ever becoming particularly pointed, resulting in a floppy but satisfactory middlebrow comedy.” Slant Magazine Jesse Cataldo
Middle-face comedy
“Some jokes get hammered into the ground repeatedly; others go on well past the point of cringe-inducing awkwardness, which is the point. But some do reach the levels of brilliant, unfettered lunacy to which they aspire.” Christy Lemire Associated Press
When brave comedians reach the pinnacle of brilliantly awkward lunacy, it’s an Act Of Valor (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Act of Valor is designed to… fill your heart with patriotic respect … and completely shut off any part of your brain that may dare to ask bigger questions about what you’re watching and why.” James Rocchi MSN Movies
Are there more challenging answers than 1) a movie and 2) entertainment?
Deploy the WTF maneuver
“[It] raises a sticky question: Should realistic combat look this awesome? Should it be so much fun to watch?” Gary Thompson Philadelphia Daily News
If you have to ask yourself “Is this bad for me?” it probably is. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have asked.
“Act of Valor will likely earn high praise from combat veterans and their families, the way movies like “Fireproof” and “Seven Days in Utopia” resonate with Christians. Civilians, movie critics and certainly pacifists won’t be nearly as impressed.” Tampa Bay Times Steve Persall
King Sheep is a pacifist civilian critic