King Sheep Productions

I certainly am, especially those in the Tea Party.  If one of them ends up in the White House I’ll be facing lower wages, less job security, and more expensive (and destructive) energy policies.  In this Gloomsday scenario, the best advice might be to invest in sweaters and candles, and tell your kids, Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“It’s the sort of movie that leaves you more impressed with artistry than moved to poop by the proceedings.” Gary Thompson Philadelphia Daily News

Only a horror movie would be criticized for being too pretty to scare the shit out of you.

“That creaking sound during Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark isn’t a door opening ghostly; it’s the groaning cliche of a haunted house and stupid people who don’t know when to leave.” Steve Persall St. Petersburg Times

Not even the Addam’s Family would be buying in the current housing market.

“This is a very good haunted house film. It milks our frustration deliciously.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

“Entirely too literal, but it still manages to be a literally hair-raising piece of modern-style old school Gothic horror.” Orlando Sentinel Roger Moore

It’s literally too literal?

“The result is a scary movie that is genuinely scary in parts, although an adult can’t help noticing this is set in the very worn and tattered territory of the haunted-house genre. Then when you get a glimpse of the CGI critters causing all the mayhem, the scares completely vanish.” The Hollywood Reporter Kirk Honeycutt

Just as John Williams tingled my spine more than a robotic shark, the things you imagine are always worse than the reality. Similarly, I couldn’t imagine an effective transition to a movie called Colombiana (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“As a solidly entertaining piece of trashy exploitation its only drawback is a PG-13 rating.” Geoff Berkshire Metromix.com

It’s trashy, but not trashy enough.

“Nothing in Colombiana feels remotely original, from the initial, unexplained killings to the string of bad supporting actors with indeterminate accents who are periodically shot, knifed, garroted, run over, blown up and eaten alive.” Daniel Eagan Film Journal International

Wait, how is this movie PG-13?

“Is Saldana the new Schwarzenegger, only leaner, meaner and much better looking in spandex? I think so.” Betsy Sharkey Los Angeles Times

“It turns into the same silly stuff we’ve seen before, a dish of revenge served not so much cold as reheated.” Keith Staskiewicz Entertainment Weekly

For future reference, how long does it take to reheat revenge in the microwave?

“While most action films fall apart because they succumb to stupidity, Colombiana suffers most because it tries to be too smart.” Boxoffice Magazine Todd Gilchrist

Or as Mark Twain said “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”  Perhaps he had a few stupid siblings and told his sisters he crafted the advice for Our Idiot Brother (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Our Idiot Brother is a feel-good movie for people who resist feel-good movies, a flawed vessel that nonetheless stays afloat by clinging to its buoyant star, Paul Rudd.” Stephanie Zacharek Movieline

On the ocean of aquatic associations, she could have dropped anchor earlier on the sea-faring metaphors.

“Paul Rudd’s charm has seldom been taxed as relentlessly as in Our Idiot Brother, which might as well be called Paul Rudd Is Charming: The Movie.” Nathan Rabin AV Club

If that titling trend catches on, I expect next summer to offer Mathew McConaughey Takes His Shirt Off: The Movie and Tom Cruise Smiles And Runs: The Movie.

“Rudd ably carries the film while retaining a light touch, though even with Rudd in the lead, it’s still a featherweight trifle, an afternoon nap of a feel-good comedy.” The A.V. Club Nathan Rabin

“Our Idiot Brother may not be perfect, but, Crocs and all, Paul Rudd’s performance is idiot-proof.” Una LaMarche New York Observer

To echo an earlier concern, I wish our government was too.

“Welcome to the world of Ned, an eternally sunny realm where everyone is greeted as an old friend and everything will always work out fine, even when it doesn’t.” Tom Maurstad Dallas Morning News