Is there a more competitive and demanding internship than job shadowing God? I can’t imagine he/she would bother sending you to earth for coffee, because, you know, omnipotent. He/she wouldn’t need you to wash his/her car, pick up the dry cleaning, or answer the phone. In fact, interning for God might be terribly boring, with you stuck waiting in Dark Shadows (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Less a resurrection than a clumsy desecration.” Nick Pinkerton Village Voice

Less Easter Jesus, more Weekend At Bernie’s?

“Dark Shadows has some sporadic moments of fun but on the whole it’s an inferior recycled mash-up of Burton’s style and Depp’s quirky characters from their eight collaborations.” Blake Howard 2UE That Movie Show

As with most TV, after enough shows the creators are creatively obligated to do a greatest hits episode.

“There’s fun to be had here, but it’s buried under all the fun we’re supposed to be having.” Matthew Razak

Was more fun had: 1) reading the sign or 2) following the advice?

“Dark Shadows sinks its teeth half-way into its potentially meaty material but hesitates to go all the way.” Todd McCarthy Hollywood Reporter

It’s a vampire story that nibbles?

“This really is a reasonably, moderately, whelmingly good film.” The Guardian Peter Bradshaw

Some might say the same about the Republican Rom-nominee. Even though the Presidential candidates have clashing views on religious freedom, both would agree – God Bless America (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Writer/director Bobcat Goldthwait has an ax to grind and, once he’s done grinding it, he uses it to split some skulls. God Bless America is many things – audacious, bitingly satirical, unafraid of venturing into uncomfortable territory – but it is never subtle.” James Berardinelli ReelViews

Fuck subtle.

“This movie’s idea of topical satire is to score points off of My Super Sweet 16 and legendary American Idol reject William Hung. Timely!” Alonso Duralde The Wrap

Blaming the film for being topical and not topical enough is totally fair. Sarcastic!

“An energetic fantasy that favors capital punishment for all of our society’s vulgarities.” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

Sometimes overkill is just enough kill

“When the monotonous squib-popping subsides, the movie is often static and talky, lapsing into criticism-hedging qualifications and anti-everything speechifying.” Nick Pinkerton Village Voice

Would you prefer pro-everything speechifying?

“Sometimes you get the feeling Goldthwait is just making a list of the people he could do without, which is funny and makes you nod your head but doesn’t add up to much.” Eric D. Snider

A personal hit list is acceptable as a movie (notsomuch as a Facebook post), but the decision-making that follows is consistent with a Girl In Progress (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“There’s little to complain about here, but there’s also little to cheer about. Benignly enjoyable during viewing, the production ultimately takes too few risks.” Annlee Ellingson Paste Magazine

With three distinctly whelming movies this weekend, you could flip a coin or go see The Avengers again.

“Girl in Progress operates like a training-wheels melodrama for genre-uneducated tweens.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

Training heels

“This is being marketed as an ideal film for moms and daughters to see together on Mother’s Day weekend. A long, awkward brunch sounds more fun — and more truthful.” Christy Lemire Associated Press

An inconvenient truth with vermouth?

“Does it pull out all the melodramatic stops toward the end? Does it resolve its many climactic crises too neatly and too sweetly? Yes on both counts. But, then again, what did you expect?” A.O. Scott New York Times

More questions?

“A corny, overwritten movie made by a director with nothing to say.” Rex Reed New York Observer

King Sheep says something corny when he has nothing to say