My biggest problem right now is tension: neck, shoulder, back. Time was I used to spend my days sitting at a computer, but now I spend at least 8 hours a day on my feet, walking. Not just standing, but walking.

I've been working a retail job at a place called Storables for the last four weeks, and that means lots and lots of walking around and making sure customers are happy, satisfied, and appreciated. What it means for me, however, is that I'm constantly tense.

First, there's the physical aspect of standing and walking for long periods of time (an atypical activity for me). Second, there's the emotional aspect of wanting to do well at this new job, dealing with customers' problems (and disdain if you can't solve them), and fretting over the fact that I'm a 32-year-old college graduate working a job that barely (and I mean barely, skating by a hairsbreadth on the skin of my teeth with no room for error) pays the bills.

Have you ever worked a full-time job while working freelance and job hunting? And keep a healthy marriage? The first casualty was my social life. Little to none, excepting the occasional visit from the honorable King Sheep, or when a friend graciously offers to buy me lunch or coffee.

To those friends: thank you.

Yes, tension is my enemy. I know I should stretch more or exercise more or eat more iron or protein or calcium or Monk's Hood or something, but what I really want is fewer stressors.

I've been popping in to video game company offices and expressing my desire to work. No doubt, some of them may explore this website and find this blog. I certainly hope so, because there's something I've realized in my time of being unemployed and ungainfully employed.

I'd rather be happy than rich.

This may seem like common sense to some of you folks out there, but it was something that I'd forgotten in my years of working in Redmond. I don't need oodles of money to blow on a car or a plasma screen wall or a condo on top of the Space Needle. What I need is to care about what I do.

I care about entertainment.

So please everyone send me good vibes, waves, prayers, and everything else so that I can fulfill my destiny and start entertaining the world.

Two days late, and I'm finally ready to post the rest of my experience at the first annual Redmond Digital Arts Festival.

I started out at 9am again, attending a Zbrush tutorial by the (please wait while the votes are tallied) unanimously talented Kenny Lammers, Technical Art Director at Microsoft Game Studios. He walked us through a program that allows you to sculpt 3D objects in real time, paint textures on them, and edge loop them to create a nice low-poly model that can be exported to Maya for rigging and animation.

He basically did everything I learned to do last quarter at LWTC only backwards. And more effectively. And COOLER. I giggled loudly (sorry, Kenny) several times during the presentation because it was just too exciting. I also got to enjoy a short walk and chat with new MSGS concept artist Collin Foran.

I should take this moment to let everyone know that every single person I got to interact with during the presentations and workshops were among the coolest and most interesting people I've met in Redmond. Definitely my kind of people. Which is another reason I need to get into the industry ASAP; to retain my sanity.

After the lunch break, I was back at Digipen for probably the best class I've gotten into for free. The title was "Game Art," but the content was really more like "How to Format Character and Environment Design in the Game Industry." I learned more about how concept artists work during those three hours than I have over the last two years of lurking on ConceptArt and reading ImagineFX.

Ironically, the key mantra to having a killer portfolio of concept art is "show your work." Anyone who's ever heard my loathing tirade against math homework is laughing right now. When I was young, I was a math whiz. It was incredibly hard for me to show the work because it seemed so obvious to me that writing it out was sort of like asking me to write out how to walk. Duh, you just do it.

Now I have to show my work again. The good news is that I'm excited about this prospect. I love to show my work when I'm drawing, egomaniac that I am. I just didn't know that's what they wanted.

So, as I get ready to hit the sack, I'll leave you all with the five things that Ben Cammarano says are the most important things art directors are looking for in employees:

1. Be trustworthy. Nobody likes a liar or a cheat.
2. Be committed. It's a tough job and they want to make sure you'll be there rain or shine.
3. Be passionate. If you don't love what you're doing, then you won't do your best.
4. Show you can finish a job. Quitters and lazyboys need not apply.
5. Be a team player. No one ever created, programmed, and distributed a successful game by themselves.

So if you're trying to bust into the industry like I am, follow these simple directives.

That's all.

I just got back from the first annual Redmond Digital Arts Festival today, and what an experience!

First up was a 9am presentation by Ben Cammarano, Art Director of the Microsoft Game Studio, who talked at length about portfolios and what yours should look like if you ever want to get a job in games. Following that, he was gracious enough to sit down with a select few of us for one-on-one reviews of our portfolios.

I definitely have work to do. He flipped through my binder pretty quickly, pausing mostly to comment on the good use of depth in my landscapes (irony!), but I was left with the feeling that my work was largely unremarkable.

Getting a critique from one of the main men in game art is something you don't take lightly, and I know that I have things to work on. See, I know that I've got skills, but I've been having trouble focusing my creativity. Thankfully, Ben's critique really gave me a direction to travel with my art.

That direction is to work on value and composition. And action. And more creativity. Color is on the back shelf until I can bust out of my shell and start showing art directors what I'm really capable of.

Next on the program was a digital painting class at DigiPen. I learned some new techniques with Photoshop from Peter Moehrle, one of the men behind Ice Age 2 and Lilo and Stitch. It was tres cool, and I can't wait to put some of these new skills to work.

All-in-all, it's been a great day (despite the fact that I'm sniffling and coughing like the walking plague), and there's more fun tomorrow. So, I wish you all a happy evening, and leave you with this little game my wife and I played during the Vice Presidential Debate.
I added phrases at the bottom that I thought she used too often. For the record, I wish I had one of these cards for Biden too, because neither one of them really impressed me.

The title. It sounds more poetic than "back in the saddle again." Also not so overused.

I finished my four classes at Lake Washington Technical College last Friday, and you should all find it noteworthy that I achieved my first 4.0 quarter since grade school. Huzzah!

Two things stick with me about my time at LWTC. First, I feel like I wasted my money at Wazzu. Not my time. Those were some of the best times of my life and I don't regret a single day in Pullman. But I blew a lot of money there on classes that I didn't always pass.

Second, when I look at four 4.0s lined up in a nifty little column, it makes me realize just how smart I am when I'm interested in my studies. I think, "How could I have botched this up before? It's so easy!" That's age talking.

So here I sit with stylus in hand, busily working on my art.

It became clear to me in the last couple of months that I've gone about as far as I can go in the realm of cartooning. Not that I'm proclaiming myself a master, ready to start the Nate Taylor Center for Children Who Can't Draw Good and Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

Though if I did, you better believe that center would kick ass. There would be courses on Tai Chi, Beginning Romance, and Made-Up Games. All classrooms would be ball-crawls, too.

Anyway, I'm concentrating on painting now. Obviously. Just check out the front page for updates. I've got a ways to go, but practice makes perfect, donchaknow?

The hardest part of painting is the colors. Well, color and not having any definitive lines. Sure, I know the art world is big enough to allow for paintings with hard lines, but the coolest stuff is always devoid of linework. Like Frazetta and Brom and Dos Santos. That's what I want to do.

Color theory is a whole problem by itself. I'm not color blind, but then again I've never really looked at the colors around me. If you were to ask me what color the leaves on a tree were, I'd say,

"Green."
Ah, but what kind of green?
"Oh, a yellowish green I suppose."
All of them?
"Well, no. There are some that have a bit of brown to them."
What about the shadows on the leaves?
"Jeez, I don't know. Dark green?"

That's a snippet of my inner dialogue, by the way. I'll go on like that for twenty minutes just staring at a tricycle and how the light bounces off the paint and the rubber. I've gotten more than a couple of awful glares from people in coffee shops who think I'm ogling them.

"No, I was just studying the way indoor light highlights your skin in yellow, and outdoor light makes it a desaturated blue!"

I know what a tetriadic color scheme is. That doesn't help me pick what color to use for rocks. Painting is a completely different mental state from drawing. One highlight of all this fixation is that I've started dreaming in color.

Before, I didn't necessarily dream in black-and-white, there just wasn't any color. Strange, huh? At any rate, I'm going to be charting my progress, difficulties, and successes here as often as I can. Maybe this blog will actually have a benefit beyond stoking the fires of my own ego. Aghast!

So that's all for now. I'll leave you with a new vocabulary word.

Wupdate: noun, an amalgamation of "web" and "update" used to describe new content to a web page.

Hello, all! In the next phase of my Plan for Employment, I've taken the index page for Ol' King-sheep.com, and turned it into my own personal online portfolio. "But, Nate," you moan lustily into my ear, "You already have a gallery of your artwork on the site." A-ha! 'Tis true, but there is a difference between a gallery and a portfolio.

A gallery -- and I'm speaking of online galleries here, not stuffy marbled halls filled with pretentious paint daubs -- is the equivalent of a shoebox you keep on your kitchen table where you throw everything you've done in the last ten years. It's haphazard, cluttered, and entirely too full.

A portfolio, on the other hand, is the very creme de la creme of the gallery. It contains the artwork that you want to show people in order to impress them and get a job. Each piece should glow with enough artistic prowess to light an average-sized bedroom.

So that's what I've turned the index page into. In fact, if you turn off the lights and go to that page now, the sheer brilliance should light your room. Go ahead. Try it.

With any luck, it will be just what someone is looking for in an employee. Cheers.

Love,
Nate

RIGHT! So, the first week of summer classes went really well. I'm basically taking four courses, but I have only 2 instructors. One guy teaches three of them, and his name (get this) is John Gabriel.Yeah. Coincidence? Maybe. I know the Penny Arcade guys used to be based in the Bel-Red area, and this instructor is the head of what amounts to a "video game industry" curriculum at the college. So there is a thread of connection.

The first day of 3D Modeling class, he pretty much tells his life story from graduation to present, but pauses midway through and rings the "useless story" bell that sits on his desk. It's a little "Serve the tea" bell like what you'd expect to find on your great-grandmother's nightstand. That bell has been rung every day since.

Don't get me wrong, the stories are always a good listen and usually involve some piece of trivia from the inner sanctum of the game industry, so they're worth their time. What else makes this class so awesome is what John calls "team-building exercises." After lecture, after fiddling with Maya, and just when folks are starting to look at the clock and hope for an early release, he says, "Stay put. It's time for some Call of Duty."

Then we play LAN team deathmatch.

It makes sense. When you're in a class to learn about creating video games, it's important to experience the product you hope one day to make. Also, nothing builds camaraderie like assaulting the enemy stronghold. Many laughs ensue.

Alas, the downside is that I don't have much free time left. Between classes and the top secret freelance project, my time is totally consumed and the result is that comics come in last. I'll try to update as often as I can, but until then, blogging is about as good as I'll get.

Cheers.

Buffy and Angel.
Lestat and Louis.
Blade and swords.

Not every vampire movie is horror, but the ones that aren’t are romance. This might explain why we haven’t seen any vampire romantic comedies or westerns. In fact knowing that Twilight didn’t open on Halloween tells you which side of the romanticism – cannibalism spectrum were dealing with. If you’re not a reader, you may have missed the young adult craze surrounding Stephenie Meyer’s quartet of vampire lustfests, but you may have trouble ignoring the film.

Twilight has already made Fandango’s all time list of pre-sold tickets and encouraged a generation of young girls to dream of being kidnapped by anemic male models. So we know it’s going to make oodles of money, but does it suck?

“Twilight is often a lot of fun to watch -- the atmosphere of wet green trees and subtle danger, the gothic breathiness of doomed romance, the way all the vampires have better hair than anyone else -- and seems to give its intended audience what it wants.” Moira MacDonald Seattle Times

Should the audience expect to walk out lusting for vampires or supernatural styling gel?

“Invest any spare cash you have in companies that deal in hair gel. I have a feeling this film is going to be huge.” Peter Hartlaub San Francisco Chronicle

Got it – thumbs up for the hair. Clearly the film’s stylist deserves an endorsement deal. What about the debate between book loyalists and average moviegoers?

“Director Catherine Hardwick leads her young cast through the story's soap opera elements with honest respect for the material.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

Sounds like book lovers will be happy.

Ze book


“This entire adaptation was carried through by [the] wonderful Catherine Hardwicke, who took a shiny little turd and transformed it into a watchable, slightly enjoyable film.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

So for people who think the book is a shiny turd, the result is slightly watchable? I can’t tell if that’s praise.

“Soul-searching looks between young lovers can be fine--but when mutually-emphatic eyeballing stands in for a plot, it's insufferable. Bring a thermos of espresso. And an alarm clock.” Kimberly Gadette LivePDX

Yeouch. Okay, I know that’s not praise. Anyone else want to hop on the ‘stake the vampire’ bandwagon?

“The term 'meh' was added to the dictionary this week, and just in time.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Vampires give the best piggyback rides!


Yeah, but it’s a love story, which means film’s ultimate goal is to twang the heart-stings.

“The movie version gives really good swoon.” Chuck Wilson Village Voice

All right. How good are we talking? Like weak in the knees or hyperventilating Beatle-mania teens?

“WHAT WAS THAT???That 'thunk' you just heard wasn't a shift of the earth's core. No, it was jillions of women, younger and older, swooning over the movie 'Twilight.'” Linda Cook Quad City Times (Davenport, IA)

Wow. That is good swoon. Okay, so it does hair and swooning well, but the rest is a question of taste. Even if Twilight isn’t entered into the Nosferatu canon, it may be the most popular vampire story of the decade (even with its 44% positive rating). Other vampire romance novelists beware - this is the new status quo.

“Your move, Anne Rice!” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

Pamper
Demonic
Juveniles

Yay! I'm a sex symbol again!

Whew. You weren't so frightened of the subject line that you avoided reading this. Awesome. Now then, a handful of movies open this weekend and they all are sharing reviewer love. Maybe critic happiness is tied to weather; hence the Oscar season of holiday movies. Hmm. Anyhow, you probably won't hear much about Slumdog Millionaire (90%) directed by Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, 28 days later) or A Christmas Tale (93%) which tells the darkly comic story of an estranged son returning home for the holidays. Chances are you don't care about these movies because this weekend is all about Bond. And how did Bond's latest outing of espionage and action do? Pretty well actually (Quantum of Solace - 69%).


The consensus seems to be that it's not as good as Casino Royale, but there is disagreement on how close it came. It’s a true sequel (picking up where the previous installment left off) which is rare for Bond. Here Bond mourns Vesper by killing all the people responsible for her death. Since revenge is dish best served as cold as a penguin's ass in the dead of winter, let's hear how icy and grim Bond got this time around.

“Revenge is a dish best served with bullets, high explosives and fireballs. In QoS James Bond orders the revenge buffet, deluxe.” Kyle Smith KyleSmithOnline.com

I like my revenge comparison better.

“Still having a bad day in Quantum's leap into radically chilling ruthlessness, that homicidally gifted 007 pursues without the least hesitation, revenge as a dish best served with a cold Martini.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

I’m sticking with penguin ass. So lots of BOOM! and POW! with a little less quip. We get it; he’s tortured and really good at hurting people. Bond goes thuggish with a grimace rather than a smirk. Enough of that, let’s play a game. It’s called good review, bad review. Let’s see if you can tell Quantum of Solace praise from criticism.

Yep. Quantum was a real short story from the original author.


“While I'm most definitely disappointed with the film- I still enjoyed it once I accepted the fact that it bares no resemblance to the Bond franchise that I know and love.” Chris Bumbray rec.arts.movies.reviews

You’d think disappointment would be a deal breaker, but it wasn’t. Thumbs up.

"Bond's one-liners are replaced by stoic stares. The flirty martini has been traded in for self-hating binge drinking. And even 007's bedroom shenanigans are condensed to a mere quickie." Mike Ward Richmond.com

Sounds pretty bad, but it wasn’t. While the ladies might disagree, this guy didn't let any of his problems get in the way of liking it. Another thumb aimed at clouds.

Yep. He still looks like this.


“The result isn't bland, but it's not exactly Bond either.” Joe Neumaier New York Daily News

‘Not bland’ sounds ‘not bad.’ But it was. Thumbs down.

“The 22nd Bond film too often seems like an old friend on the wrong anti-depressant: still the person you love, but the rhythm's off and the precious moments fewer and further between.” Peter Canavese Groucho Reviews

He was right on the fence (2.5 out of 4), but still good enough to hitchhike.

“Forster could craft Quantum of Solace into a thoughtful rumination on revenge and what it does to the soul or he could blow stuff up. Guess what he does.” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

The director must blow stuff up really well, because ol' Willie Waffle liked it.

“So jam-packed with stuntwork, shootouts, and standoffs that the conspiracy-oriented plot can barely get a word in edgewise.” Bill Gibron Filmcritic.com

Apparently the plot was important to Billy because this one was negative. Well, you get the idea. Most critics have some problem with it, but it succeeds at giving us more of what we got with Casino Royale. The problem is - the idea is a little less fresh now. As a final thought, let’s end with someone who’s really got their finger on the most important aspect of a believable Bond and rebooting the franchise so it resonated with modern sensibilities.

“Since this is really the origin story of a man who kills people for a living, a darker tone makes total sense. I mean, really...do you want to go back to jet-packs?” Jenna Busch UGO

Only on DVD. Take care all.

Predict Justice Damn-it.

As of late, the movies that have been coming out have been 1 'pretty good' for every 3 'completely awful'. While this week offers something different (2 'pretty good'), the coming weeks begins the holiday movie rush (Quantum of Solace followed by Twilight), which makes this week’s releases the holiday movie benchwarmers. That being said, you may find a few happy surprises.


First up, another attempt at the Apatow formula (equal parts gross and sentimental) Role Models (73%). It features actors better known as the characters they’ve played Shawn William Scott (Steve Stiffler from American Pie) and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (better know as McLovin). However the stand out performer this time around is co-writer/star Paul Rudd who’s been an Apatow wingman almost as long as Seth Rogan. It’s the biggest critic pleaser of the week, so enough blah blah, let’s hear some rah rah sis boom bah!

“Filth and sentimentality -- the yin- yang combo of current guy comedy -- entwine in Role Models with the naughty bits overpowering the funny.” Lisa Kennedy Denver Post

Wait, that’s not a positive review (I think). Try again.

“Role Models proves that a drab and formulaic Hollywood studio comedy can still make you laugh hard enough to choke on your popcorn.” Rene Rodriguez Miami Herald

That’s more like it. The tagline could be: people die from laughing at this film. Or at least: comedies don’t kill people, choking on popcorn does…but only if they’re watching something funny.

I typed 'Role Models' into Google image and got these two examples on the first page.


“Role Models is about as irresponsible and as irreverent as a movie comedy can be.” Jeff Vice Deseret News, Salt Lake City

I’m glad to hear that those qualities are positives.

“Role Models is like a comfortable, old sweater. It may be somewhat threadbare and out of fashion, but you wear it because it's familiar and snug and makes you feel cozy.” Brandon Fibbs Colorado Springs Gazette

So, irresponsibility and irreverence will make you feel cozy?

“The equivalent of trying to sneak an issue of Newsweek into the house, rolled up inside a copy of Mad magazine.” Stephanie Zacharek Salon.com

I’m confused. This movie is Newsweek in this situation but the marketing is Mad? In order to understand this metaphor, I offer a counter-metaphor. Role Models is like a Starbucks cookie laced with Meth. Instead of wasting time with explanation, let’s move on.


Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa also opens this week and does pretty well (59%). My feeling on the original was that the subordinate characters were great (penguins, monkeys, lemurs) but the stars (Ben Stiller, Chris Rock) were lame sauce. So, did Hollywood hear my cry?

“It's still primarily the supporting cast that's funny, not the leads -- but hey, if Dreamworks were capable of doing everything right it would have to change its name to Pixar.” Eric D. Snider Cinematical

After reading that I want to shout BURN! But in reality, playing second fiddle to Pixar is like being Jordan’s Scotty Pippen – You may not be on top, but you’re still looking down on a lot of people.

“A decent-enough sequel that will satisfy fans without unduly bothering Oscar animation voters.” Glenn Whipp Los Angeles Daily News

Oh, pardon us. I’d hate to unduly bother those exceedingly busy Oscar animation voters. Mr. Whipp’s tone is just snarky enough to get on my nerves. Someone want to help channel my rage?

“The nonsensical title is the least of its problems--how, exactly, are the characters escaping to Africa if the place they begin is technically a part of Africa?” Dustin Putman TheMovieBoy.com

Yeah! What the hell!?!

“All shtick and repetition, something the little ones may find entertaining, but something that will drive parents 2 boredom, 2 another theater, or 2 ask for their money back.” Brian Tallerico Movie Retriever

The only way 2 get you 2 stop replacing words with numbers is 2 move on.

Last up, Bernie Mac’s final movie, the buddy comedy Soul Men (41%). Samuel L. Jackson also stars in the story of two former singing sensations on a grumpy old men reunion road trip. Let’s do a point/counter-point on whether this movie is a fitting final chapter for Bernie Mac or a career footnote.
POINT “In spite of its title, the film has precious little soul, but its real offense is being Mac's final on screen credit.” Todd Gilchrist IGN Movies

COUNTER-POINT “'Soul Men' is not only a tribute to Mac and Hayes, but the film is also funny, often outrageously crude, and pleasurable.” Wilson Morales BlackFilm.com

Sounds like a question of taste. What else does Soul Men have to offer?

“Samuel L. Jackson continues his tradition of inventive facial hair in Soul Men. And his tradition of appearing in movies unworthy of his talent.” Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) St. Paul Pioneer Press

Is the facial hair the most disconcerting element of this picture?


“It's the script and not Floyd that needs a shot of Viagra.” John Beifuss Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)

Huh? Any mental picture I try to conjure gets confused. Wouldn’t a script on Viagra have really stiff pages? Before I get too confused, let’s hear a final thought.

“Mac was a magnetic performer with a long history of redeeming mediocre movies; unfortunately this is another one.” J. R. Jones Chicago Reader

Huh again? Unless the movie doesn’t deserve redemption, I’d say Mac went out on a high(ish) note. We’ll miss ya Bernie.



PDJ

Pumpkins, cupcakes and Jack O’Lanterns – oh my
Rarely is it so good to be different and fun to lie.
Hyper kids ring doorbells to get their candy
Why do so many girl costumes make people randy?
Let's dress up to get down and party till the drinks run dry

But, if you’re not into wild parties or handing out teeth-rotting supplements this Halloween, perhaps you’ll go see a movie – which is where I come in. This week is like bobbing for apples in apple juice. I’m not really sure what that means, but I was looking for a simile that communicated how similar reviewer opinions are about these movies.

For example, the only legitimately scary movie opening today (The Haunting of Molly Hartley) is in a battle with Saw V for worst scary movie in recent memory. And the reviewer seems to agree that the movie isn’t worth a handful of empty candy wrappers.



“When it comes to excruciating Halloween activities, I think I'd prefer a Milky Way/razor blade surprise to this asinine, pathetic motion picture.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

When critics say they’d rather eat razor blades than watch this movie, well…it’s bad.

“At least High School Musical 3 is proud to be innocent; Haunting is as benign as the gym class bully who backs down at the slightest challenge.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

But those are my favorite type of bully. Oh well. Since the ‘scary’ movie isn’t really scary or interesting, I’ll do my best to make the remaining movies sounds as terrifying as I can. Behold the Changeling!


“There are parts of the film that are far more horrifying than anything the makers of the Saw features and other gruesome terrors could ever imagine.” Jeff Vice Deseret News, Salt Lake City

Eh? Are you soiling your costume yet? How about this one?

“A desiccated nowhereland, like something waiting to be feasted on by Stephen King's ravenous Langoliers.” Keith Uhlich UGO

Okay, as scary as those reviews sound, the truth is that Changeling is not based on a shape-shifting alien killer, which is too bad. Rather, it is a period drama directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Angelina Jolie. Hopefully the truth isn’t scarier than the fiction.

“..director Clint Eastwood once again fires the first shot in the Oscar battle.” Michael A. Smith Nolan's Pop Culture Review

Did you see that? Eastwood just shot at us. Scaaaaarry!

Boo!


Anyhow, enough of that. Some people are dropping Oscar buzz about this one, which is strange because it’s perched at 53% positive. Perhaps the sum isn’t as good as the dismembered parts.

“[Jolie]'s oozing that mysterious charisma that's half dazzling intelligence and half riveting talent and half the magic of the gods of Hollywood smiling on her, and through her.” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

Ancient Gods for Jolie! I wouldn’t think they hold much sway over the academy, but then again, Oscars statues are little gold idols…

Hmmmm. Fresh critic.


“Audiences will be forgiven for reaching for their coats and then putting them down again over and over; every time you think this tune is done, there's another 38 bottles of beer on the wall.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

And we’re back to drinking beer. Nice. Our next film features the tagline “A story of Sex, Thugs and Rock and Roll” entitled: RocknRolla (58%). It is another entry in the British crime movies of Guy Ritchie (Snatch, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels).



“Ritchie, who shoots and cuts everything in RocknRolla like an ad for a particularly greasy brand of fragrance for men, delivers the beatings and killings in his trademark atmosphere of morally weightless flash.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

Greasy cologne and morally weightless killings are scary.

“RocknRolla reminds us of how cool Ritchie was before Madonna doused his fire. Pity he makes us wait so long.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Madonna is scary. Sort of.

“I'd call it all a parody of cinematic male aggression, except I think it's a parody of a parody of cinematic male aggression...” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

I’d call that a confusing review, except I think it’s a parody of confusing reviews. Anyhow, our last movie is currently the highest rated, the most anticipated and the most politically charged: Zack and Miri Make A Porno (68%). Some parents have taken offense to the word ‘porno’ because they have to explain to their kids what it is. That being said, this movie must really be offensive right?

“There may not be a special movie rating for this kind of coyness, but it definitely feels like emotional porn.” Liam Lacey Globe and Mail

“An extremely rare movie commodity -- a romantic comedy for guys.” Richard Knight Windy City Times

Okay. The combination of ‘emotional’ and ‘porn’ makes the movie sound pretty sappy. The same way I assume that ‘gun porn’ will sensationalize guns and ‘torture porn’ makes torture look like fun (at least for half the parties involved), I assume Zach and Miri will have people crying on each other’s shoulders.

“Zack and Miri Make a Porno is crude and raunchy, but it's also a great date movie. See it with someone you love -- and want to grope.” Rene Rodriguez Miami Herald

Hm. So, in the interest of clarification: is the emphasis on ‘emotion’ or ‘porn’?

“Just like good porn, the movie delivers scene after scene of tension and release, and you leave the theater happy. And maybe a little tired.” Chris Farnsworth E! Online

Sounds like a vote for porn. Okay, let’s end with a review that deals with a curse. Yes, you read right. A cuuurrrse! After all, a romantic comedy about pornography that comes out on Halloween has got to be scary for someone.

“Kevin Smith finally has a hit with Rogen and porn stars. Smith got the Ben Affleck curse lifted.” Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com

Sorry Ben. Enjoy the festivities everyone.

How dare you?


Punish those who
Douse
Jack-o-lanterns

If you are believer in universal balance (from Ying and Yang to protons and electrons) then you can appreciate the stunning cinematic conflict that exists between this week’s warring franchises: Saw V and High School Musical 3: Senior Year. On one hand, a series that will be remembered as the father of torture porn (not a good thing) and on the other, the perma-smiling descendants of Walt Disney’s original Mickey Mouse Club (good for money thing). If Saw was actually still popular, I’d fear the tension between both sets of fans stuck waiting in line for the premiere. It’s grins versus goths and songs versus switchblades.


Expect to see flocks of blissful tweens frantically pushing their way past a few SAW die-hards preoccupied with deciding what concessions will least smudge their ghoulish make-up. HSM3 will make huge amounts of money; Saw will make huge amounts of people sick. Will either deserve your time and/or money? Let’s start with the automatic NO:

“The first three Saws were at least plausible within the grotesque terms of the premise. The fourth was ridiculous and this, the fifth, is laughable.” Victor Olliver Teletext

That’s the most forgiving review available.

“It doesn't just insult your intelligence; It assumes you have none.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Yeesh. While Saw V currently has the dreaded double goose egg (00% positive – as of Thursday night), it will make several million dollars because is a scary movie released near Halloween. But easily frightened movie-goers might be in for a nasty surprise.

“This time, the movie theater is a trap.” Staci Layne Wilson Horror.com

Ahhhhh!!!

In playing up the dichotomy so much I’ve left out a perfectly boring cop movie that also comes out this weekend. Pride and Glory is stuck in the middle with its tired brothers-in-blue plot and sadly misplaced actors (Edward Norton, Colin Farrell, John Voight).

“Constructed almost entirely out of cop-drama clichés.” Josh Bell Las Vegas Weekly

But you didn’t say they were all bad clichés.

“Dull, predictable, ugly, filled with bad or lackluster performances, contains objectionable racial material and just generally lacking in anything worthwhile. One of the worst movies of the year.” Devin Faraci CHUD

Okay. All bad then.

“Pride And Glory is anything but. And though rife with brutality and cynicism down a path way too over the top to make sense of it all, the journey there stings with the crushing weight of a raw and devastating emotional power. Godfather in blue.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

From worst movie of the year to the Godfather of cop movies? Providing an explanation for the distance between those two reviews is probably a superior mystery to the one in the movie (it currently sits at 27%).


Let’s move on to the sugar-laced smilebration of High School Musical 3: Senior Year.

“Coiffed with what must have been a budget-busting supply of styling gel, the cast of High School Musical 3: Senior Year looks not just freshly scrubbed, but manicured, exfoliated, and dipped in a vat of hot wax.” Scott Tobias Onion AV Club

Scrubbed clean and dipped in wax - Are you still talking about Saw?

“I so wanted to hate this movie - and I was doing well until halfway through, when I actually started to feel nostalgic and happy. Damn!” David Foucher EDGE Boston

Uh-oh, pessimists beware. You might find yourself smiling despite yourself. The movie currently sits at 67% positive. Aren’t there some cynics out there trying to knock the optimists down a few pegs?

“It's hard not to see the rabidly popular series's deliberate insubstantiality, its desire to address teendom in juvenile ways, as a depressing commentary on the dwindling standards of young entertainment consumers.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

I get that he’s angry. After all critics have to watch movies like Beverly Hills Chihuahua so we don’t have to, but I’m not really surprised that the movie addresses “teendom in juvenile ways.” Better juvenile than sophomoric. Let’s wrap this up with a final word on this weekend’s guaranteed champion.

“For those kids in the target audience, this is movie nirvana.” Christy Lemire Associated Press

Smells like teen spirit. Zing!

PDJ

One's pale and terrifying and the other's a puppet

This week has it all – an Oscar-buzzing biopic (W.), a teensploitation gross-out comedy (Sex Drive), a women-power book adaptation (Secret Life of Bees) and a video game actioner (Max Payne). Some are gold, some are gruesome: but every ticket costs the same. This week we'll break up our reviews along group dynamic lines. If you've seen It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia you know that classic teams of TV and film have four primary categories: The Brains, The Muscle, The Pretty Boy/Girl, and the Wildcard. Let's see how our square peg reviewers do when put into these round hole roles.

First up, Oliver Stone's biopic about soon-to-be-ex-president Bush (W. 61 %). While it's a little odd to have a fictionalized history of current events, Stone's directing and Josh Brolin's performance have already generated some critic love. Personally, the only award I know it deserves is shortest title. First up, let's hear from the Brains.

"By opposing the mob mentality that would hang Bush in effigy, W. imaginatively sympathizes with the most maligned president in modern history." Armond White New York Press

Does this mean that right-wing pro-Bush-no-matter-what Republican fanatics will like this movie too? Or does W. show us the silver lining on the black cloud hovering over the man who ruined America? Let's hear some tough-love courtesy of the Brawn.

"Since we're dealing with Oliver Stone, a point worth making once is worth making a hundred times, in 100-point boldface type, until not even the dimmest bulb in the audience can possibly miss it." Scott Von Doviak culturevulture.net

So W. is either a simple message about a simpleton President or a message movie where I'll feel like I paid 10 bucks to attend a bad Poli-Sci lecture. Help?

"Oliver Stone doesn't do comedy, intentionally. But perhaps he should: The half-baked, hayseed Hamlet he's created in W. feels alive only when it ventures into the comically absurd." John Anderson Newsday

So, it's a comedy too? As the highest rated movie coming out this weekend, I'd hoped we'd end with a clearer sense of the movie. Oh well, if talking about Bush doesn't inspire debate, you might be speaking to a rock. Take us home Wildcard.

"Never approaches the sometimes-hilarious horror of real life." Matt Pais Metromix.com

What movie can? Or better yet: what movie should? Aren't films meant to be escapism? Shouldn't the hilarious horror of real life be the context through which we evaluate this piece of art/entertainment rather than a criticism of the film's believability? Should I stop asking questions and move onto the next movie?

Next up, a raunchy teen-tries-to-lose-virginity road trip comedy called Sex Drive (45%). Let's hear from the smarties.

"Maybe Sex Drive wouldn't be such a slobbering excuse for a comedy if anyone involved had shown one iota of originality." Mark Peikert New York Press

Ouch. The smart people say it's dumb. People who support dumb people, what do you say?

"Another attempt at being the latest hip, raunchy comedy. And... it rises far above the other impersonators and rip-offs. This movie surprised me in every way." Austin Kennedy Sin Magazine

Funny that a raunchy sex movie is endorsed by a magazine called: SIN. Quick, let's hear from a brute.

"Sex Drive thrives on cruelty." Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

Great, but I don't know what that means. Wild card, help us out.

"This movie doesn't contain 'offensive language'. The offensive language contains the movie." Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

I can't tell if that comment is crazy or Zen. Maybe it's both, which would be Zen. Or maybe I'm crazy, which would be sad.

And speaking of sad, our next movie adapts a book about a young girl who goes to South Carolina in 1964 in search of secrets about her mother's past and ends up learning about beekeeping in The Secret Life of Bees (52%). This movie can be summed up with one review.

"Oprah Book Club: The Movie." Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

While I think I know what that means, I don't like to give any one source supreme power (that's my job), so here's a few more that flesh out the pro/con debate.

"Isn't it time that Hollywood took a sabbatical -- maybe a permanent one -- from movies in which black characters exist primarily to save the souls of white ones?" Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

Sure, but wouldn't it be more problematic to only see white characters saving the souls of black people?

"A fable of black and female liberation in the sixties south so drenched in sugar that watching it may make your teeth hurt." Frank Swietek One Guy's Opinion

Guess we can save ourselves a trip to the concessions stand.

"...it's almost impossible not to like it, in a pat-on-the-head, half-patronizing kind of way." Jim Lane Sacramento News & Review

Maybe it's just me, but 'almost impossible' sounds pretty likely. Wildcard, we need you.

"Is the sweetness worth the stickiness in this maudlin American Sisterhood of the Traveling Green Tomatoes?" Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

A good question. Perhaps we can answer it by pulling a Palin and completely ignoring it and focusing on a bland Resident Street Fighter Evil Tomb Doom Hitman movie: Max Payne (23%). Another swing-and-miss for Hollywood adapting a video game to film. Cue the Brainiac.

"There simply has yet to be a decent film adapted from a video game. Why studios persist is a testament to the lobotomised throngs who encourage them by paying to see this type of gleet." Jarrod Walker FILMINK (Australia)

All right Mr. Smartypants, I had to look up gleet (which is a thin, morbid discharge, as from a wound). You get points for being smart and angry. Let's hear from people who are just angry.

"I never trust a film in which the protagonists have conversations or even arguments in the pouring rain -- without umbrellas." Andrew L. Urban Urban Cinefile

So the protagonists are stupid, the action is limp and the tone is the worst kind of emo-noir cliché. I have to tell you, it sounds so bad it might be good.

"A big nothing, not even hokey enough to watch for the sake of laughing at it." Katey Rich CinemaBlend.com

Crap.

PDJ

Have a rockin' weekend!

A spy, a leper, a football icon, and a perpetual optimist walk into an underground bar. The bartender says: “You picked a hellovah time to visit.” Everyone looks at each other uncomfortably.

The spy says to the leper “Is it safe?”

To which the leper replies “Duh, no. Don’t touch me unless your health care covers flesh-eating rabies.”

“I’m out of here,” says the football player as he bolts towards the door. But the door is locked. Then the lights go out.

“Cool. Slumber party!” says the optimist.

To everyone who is completely confused, the above was a fictional meeting of this week’s movies. Not all of the reviews are in and I’m trying to get a jump on my roundup before I head out of town; That being said, let’s introduce you to the players.

First up, the spy. Director Ridley Scott pits Leonardo Dicaprio against Russell Crowe in Body of Lies. Even though the title could easily be for an erotic thriller, this movie’s about mercenaries shooting at terrorists while desk jockeys yell at both of them. In short, it’s Spy versus Spy without the cartoon influence.

“If you're looking for a high-tech, old-fashioned racist B-western, you've come to the right place, pilgrim.” Frank Lovece Film Journal International

Believe it or not, that was a positive review. Sorry Frank, you kind of self-described yourself as an idiot. Generally, racist westerns with John Wayne morals and science fiction technology aren’t good. Then again, I can’t think of an example, so maybe I’m the idiot. Next.

“Working from a screenplay by William Monahan, Scott takes rusty '80s clichés from the days when we were playing nuclear chicken with Russia and retrofits them to the post-9/11 world. He exposes how weary those old spy tropes really are.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

The more I hear critics try to describe Lies, the more out of focus it gets. It’s an 80’s cliché, playing off cold war ideas and post-9/11 racism, mixed with westerns and nuclear chickens. Did I get that right? Anyhow, let’s hear one more and move on.

“What distinguishes the book with compelling insight may not be so apparent in the cinematic context. Still, for spy calculus, action, and character realization, I assign you to see it.” Jules Brenner Cinema Signals

Wait, now there’s calculus involved. Also, who is this Jules guy and why is he assigning me homework? Unless this material is going to be on the test. And if not, do we get extra credit? Man, I’ve been living in a college town too long.

Next up is the killer-rabies leper-horror Quarantine. It’s Blair Witch filming with Outbreak’s plot: a building full of people get infected with killer rabies and the government traps everyone inside and quarantines the building. Screaming ensues. The votes still out, but from the few people in the know, it sounds like either good-bad or bad-bad. For example:

“Actress Jennifer Carpenter of Exorcism of Emily Rose fame surely deserves some kind of award for giving the most hysterical over-the-top performance in a horror movie since Marilyn Burns in the original 1974 Texas Chain Saw Massacre.” James O'Ehley
Sci-Fi Movie Page

I think they already have over-the-top-acting awards (they’re called Razzies – past winners include Lindsey Lohan and Madonna).

Next up, the football icon. In The Express, we learn the story of Ernie Davis (the first black athlete to win a Heisman) and his coach. Since football movies tend to play off the same concepts (triumph against over-whelming odds, personal achievement, hard-and-team work rock, etc), we pretty much know the plot. The acid (or drug) test is how it stacks up against everything else in the genre. Game on.

“In the past few years, we have seen lots of football films, and this is by far the best. I might even be so bold to say that this is the greatest football movie of all time.” Austin Kennedy Sin Magazine

Slow down Mister, some of us cry just thinking about Rudy.

“Rob Brown's performance in the title role is solid and static, but Dennis Quaid's portrayal of coach Ben Schwartzwalder provides a convincing metaphor for a nation going through a crisis of conscience.” John Anderson Variety

Why do we need a metaphor? Open your window and you can see that the world is hip deep in real crisis.

And speaking of crisis, the underground bar in our little intro story comes from City Of Ember, a young-adult book about an underground city kept alive by generators. But, when the generators start to go out, only the kids think it’s a good idea to try to solve the problem. Sounds very young-adult-literatury. Kids rule!

“Kenan’s palpable affection for his central creation is so strong that once we’re gasping fresh air, we want to dive back in, get to know Ember’s intriguing denizens better and properly explore its claustrophobic hinterland. Something we’re sadly denied.” Dan Jolin Empire Magazine

However, not enough reviews are in to know if we should hope the lights stay on or go off forever.

Onto the final flick, an indie of undeniable quality that speaks to me on a very personal level: Happy-Go-Lucky. Currently clocking in at 97% positive (w/38 reviews), it’s the pick of the week. Too bad it won’t come to Pullman. Telling the story of an unwavering optimist and her daily life, just about everyone digs the character study/cheerful comedy.

“Indeed, playing someone sunny without making them totally irritating might be more of a challenge than portraying Lady Macbeth, and Hawkins makes Poppy's good cheer pragmatic and personable.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

I’m smiling as I read these. Hit me with another.

“A film that should be required viewing nationwide. A good blast of fresh air that sweeps you off your feet.”Holly Grigg-Spall Channel 4 Film

Giggles abound. Last call for happy thoughts.

“Fresh, funny and uplifting. A zingy, irresistible sorbet of light-footed comedy and everyday humanity. Only hardened churls will roll their weary eyes at Hawkins’ gusto. Leigh’s most open and optimistic film since Life Is Sweet.” Andy Lowe Total Film

Sweet. Stay happy everyone.

PDJ

Unchecked optimism gets 10 out of 10!