One might assume that the gravitational forces exhibited by our elders would be used to attract grandchildren for cheek pinching and frail hugging. However, what if a person’s gravity determined their respectability? Heavy people would command attention, normal wouldn’t be fat enough, and thin people would order their biscuits with extra Gravity (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“In one form or another, motion pictures have been with us since the middle of the 19th century, but there’s never been one like Gravity. What’s new in Alfonso Cuarón’s 3-D space adventure is the nature of the motion. It’s as if the movie medium had been set free to dance in a bedazzling zero-gravity dream sequence.” Wall Street Journal Joe Morgenstern

The movie is a dream, but you still have to pay to see it.

“It’s a nerve-wracking visual experience of unusual and paradoxical delicacy. And if your stomach can take it, it’s truly something to see.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Buy your stomach a ticket and the rest of you sees it for free.

“The movie is as cornball as all get-out and — once you discern the narrative arc — as predictable. But then there’s the part that’s — as we serious cinephiles like to say — infuckingcredible.” New York Magazine (Vulture) David Edelstein


“The miracle of the movie is the way that director Alfonso Cuarón, using special effects and 3-D with a nearly poetic simplicity and command, places the audience right up there in space along with them.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

Even with 3D IMAX prices, a trip to space has never been cheaper.

“Alfonso Cuarón’s triumph is an invigoratingly clean, elegant display of action choreography, a La Région Centrale you can still take grandma to see.” Slant Magazine Eric Henderson

You heard it here first – take your Grandma to space. However, it’s up to you what to do with your Bad Grandpa (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“As Jackass japes go, though, Bad Grandpa was better in concept and in its short, punchy TV commercials than it is as a feature.” Movie Nation Roger Moore

If something is funny enough for skit, but not a feature, how can we know the optimum length of a joke until we see it stretched too far? Put another way, where are the quality stretch marks?

“Some of these gags are hilarious.” The Hollywood Reporter John DeFore

I don’t mind hilarious gags, but I don’t find gagging hilarious.

“Secondhand gags, third-rate execution, fourth-rate results.” Mark Kermode Observer [UK]

High one!

“This whole movie is pretty much a mental colon blow.” New York Post Kyle Smith

Translation: The film hits you in the brain via your bowels.

“In 92 minutes I laughed twice.” Ed Whitfield The Ooh Tray

According to that review, Bad Grandpa has a LPM (laughs per minute) of .002. It’s cinematic cousin, Borat, has 1.7 LPM, while the all-time leader, Airplane, flies highest with 3 LPM. If it was possible to have a negative LPM, it would probably happen in a movie like Carrie (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Hollywood’s ongoing campaign to remake every horror movie of the 1970s and ’80s has finally caught up with the Stephen King-Brian De Palma classic “Carrie,’’ and the results are distressingly anemic, pig blood and all.” New York Post Lou Lumenick

Hollywood exists to adapt other mediums, be they books, plays, TV, comics, or films from other countries; remaking movies isn’t cannibalism, it’s recycling.

“Peirce has done a remaking rather than a reimagining.” Los Angeles Times Betsy Sharkey

Remake Recipe

Step 1: Forget previous remakes (the [2002] Carrie reboot, Carrie 2: The Rage [1999], and Carrie the musical [1988]).

Step 2: Revisit the most successful ingredients – the original (novel 1974) and the original adaptation (1976)

Step 3: Readapt the adaptation. Trust me, it’s as easy as remaking a cake by baking it twice.

“But now we’re a lot more accustomed to seeing movie characters mold their destiny through special effects, and since Peirce films the climax in a rather depersonalized, shoot-the-works way, Carrie comes close to seeming like an especially alienated member of the X-Men team. She blows stuff up real good, in a way that would make the devil — or Bruce Willis — proud.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman


“Rather than offering new blood, Carrie is a purely cosmetic revamp.” USA Today Claudia Puig

Revamping = spawning a lifeless copy by sucking all life out the original.

“The new Carrie is a thoroughly dispiriting remake — “retread” is the appropriate word — that could have been directed by any proficient Hollywood hack.” Boston Globe Ty Burr

Retread = after revamping, everybody gets run over; unless you come up with an Escape Plan (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“The plot itself is predictably divorced from reality, containing more holes — and smelling staler — than month-old Swiss cheese. All of which means that Stallone and Schwarzenegger end up having to do all the heavy lifting.” Washington Post Michael O’Sullivan

Their resumes suggest they are up to the challenge.

“They just don’t make ’em like this anymore, and it’s a good thing, too.” The Hollywood Reporter Todd McCarthy

When they made this movie, they broke the mold; then beat the shit out of the mold-maker.

“As Hollywood vehicles for aging action stars go, it’s at least serviceable. Of course it’s ridiculous, but what else would you expect?” Tom Long Detroit News


“In one amusing bit of dialogue, Stallone and Schwarze-negger kid each other about being smarter than they look. For a little while at least, we thought we might be able to say the same about Escape Plan.” Boston Globe Tom Russo

So, it’s exactly as smart as it looks?

“It won’t stick to your ribs in the way, say, a shank will — but it probably won’t leave you looking for a way to escape the theater, either.” New Orleans Times-Picayune Mike Scott

It won’t scare or stab you, which are also important qualities for The Counselor (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“The Counselor achieves the almost unheard-of daily double of giving us the most outrageous sex scene of the year AND the most unforgettably brutal murder of the year. This is a badass journey from start to finish.” Chicago Sun-Times Richard Roeper

Thank you for making your priorities clear.

“If The Counselor is a failure, it’s at least a fascinating one. Much of the reason for that is time spent in the theater examining why the film isn’t working.” NPR Ian Buckwalter

Reverse translation: Marvel at the mistakes while you inspect the neglect.

“It’s possible there has never been anything like it. It contains memorable dialogue, vivid characters and several superb scenes, and yet it still manages to be wrong, a complete miscalculation.” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle


“The Counselor explodes with violence that is grisly, but not gratuitous: McCarthy has a point to make. Wars create monsters, and the drug war is no exception.” Tampa Bay Times Colette Bancroft

If wars create monsters, how do we define the men who start them? Let’s ask Captain Phillips (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“At this point in his celebrated career, there shouldn’t be much new that Hanks can show us. But there is, as the actor reaches deep inside to express the relief of dodging death as I’ve never seen it played before. He’s in shock; we’re awed.” Tampa Bay Times Steve Persall

As an actor, Hanks is an ‘everyman,’ ergo there is no limit the number of parts he can play.

“The number one thing I took away from Captain Phillips (and Zero Dark Thirty before it) is: Don’t. Ever. Mess. With. America. They take that (stuff) personally.” Adam Ross The Aristocrat

Zero Dark Thirty Knots

“The surprise is that Captain Phillips is a surprise in the first place, pitching and rolling tirelessly like the sea on which it is set and, in the process, becoming one of the most enjoyable and well-made movies to hit theaters this year.” New Orleans Times-Picayune Mike Scott

Surprise! It’s a surprise!

“Despite the obvious mismatches involved, this isn’t a simplistic smackdown. Freighted with weighty issues, Captain Phillips is a film worth debating.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

King Sheep disagrees