Fantastic poo!
Hello Blog-readers,
If you don’t live in Pullman WA, then you are probably not aware of a little tradition we have here. One of our local theaters plays 3rd run movies every Thursday for two dollars. Needless to say, cheap entertainment in this town is something special. So, to encourage other people to go see these movies, every wednesday I send out an email that chronicles what various reviewers have to say about the film. That’s the backstory, here’s the important bit. This week’s movie is Fantasic Four 2. I ended up with a few extra jokes at it’s expense, so here is the ‘unedited, directors cut’ of my email in case someone wanted to read my edited jokes. Enjoy.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer – The Audian – 6:15 pm – 2 buckaroos.
Okay, we all know this movie is poo. How can it not be? It’s a sequel to a festering obscenity of a movie. So, by comparison, poo is good. Poo is great. But, let’s not forget it’s still poo. All that’s left is the question of stink. Will it be hillbilly swamp poo where one whiff instantly ignites nose hairs or will it be innocuous and almost amusing baby poo? So which is it FF2:ROTSS, what kind of poo are you?
“If you swept the cosmic dust of the superhero boom into a flimsy dustpan, you’d have the Fantastic Four franchise.” Scott Brown Entertainment Weekly
Dusty cosmic boom poo.
“It’s a good thing Jessica Alba is easy on the eyes because she belly flops onto the craft of acting like a big black anvil.” Mark Ramsey MovieJuice!
Acme products poo.
“Superficial, unimaginative and inert. The so-called heroes are pompous, one-note caricatures who have the depth of gnats, and are just as irritating.” Dustin Putman TheMovieBoy.com
Gnat-gonna-make-Alba-happy poo.
“At times silly and then serious, this Fantastic Four is the cinematic equivalent of multiple personality disorder.” Misha Davenport Chicago Sun-Times
Psycho Sybil poo. At last, a superhero movie that we can lock in the basement and make eat eraser heads. “It puts on the lotion or else it gets the hose again.”
“Fantastic? Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Thrilling, engaging and totally adequate are more fitting adjectives to the latest superhero special effects bonanza.” Phil Villarreal Arizona Daily Star
Thesaurus poo.
“Sentient humans should stay away; all others may enter confident that their IQs are already in the Chernobyl-fried range and will not be affected, except for downward.” Stephen Hunter Washington Post
Insult your audience poo.
“KAPOW! The world’s most boring superheroes return to lull us back to sleep in a sequel that could put the makers of Nytol out of business.” David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]
Product plug poo.
“Impressive not because of anything that’s said, but for the realization that you’re watching the screen be dominated by Jessica Alba and a piece of CGI without ever once experiencing the urge to gnaw through your own shoulder.” Steve Schneider Orlando Weekly
Cannibal poo.
“Surfing down the face of a building or opening bottomless holes in the Earth? Yes! Lamenting the loss of his loved one and trading therapy sessions with Sue? No!” Brian Orndorf OhmyNews.com
Simplified review structure? Yes. Amusing and original? No. I can’t decide. Is this monolog poo or more of that Sybil psycho poo?
“Fantasy pictures needn’t be bound by the constraints of real-world logic, but they can’t survive the quotidian blandness by which this one is smothered.” Kurt Loder MTV
Kurt Loder’s poo. No, smarty-pants poo. He must want to look smart if he uses ‘quotidian’ when speaking to an MTV audience. You get the picture. We need wrap up poo. The honor goes to the Onion AV club.
“Many complaints were lobbed at Fantastic Four but no one ever suggested it was too smart. Yet it would seem that everyone came to the sequel, Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer, determined to dumb it down.” Keith Phipps Onion AV Club
And thank god they did. The dumber the movie, the more brain cells we save for other essential habits like sniffing glue and banging our heads on things. Thank you FF2:ROTSS, you and your blissfully long acronym title have saved the day again.
PDJ