Happy leftover day to all who are braving the malls, hoping to complete their Christmas shopping in one sale-amplified 24-hour period.  The lines will be immense, the excitement will be tangible, and if you’re not careful you might get Tangled (Rotten Tomatoes Metacritic).

“Disney’s new (yet not quite novel), musical (yet not quite memorable), 3-D (yet so what) animated retelling of the Grimm brothers’ Rapunzel.” Lisa Schwarzbaum Entertainment Weekly

Try rereading that review without the parenthetical asides; does it say anything specific (yet worthwhile)?

“The delightfully witty Tangled is the first animated cartoon released by Walt Disney Pictures that can stand alongside Pixar toons without apology.” Rene Rodriguez Miami Herald

There’s no need for Team Rodent to apologize.  They own Pixar.  They  are competing with themselves for the #1 and #2 spots.  Perhaps they should apologize to Dreamworks animation for being so awesome.

“I don’t feel like writing a review of “Tangled.” I feel like throwing it a parade.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

Every parade needs a professional de-tangler

“The film lacks any soul or purpose, much like a Jersey Shore castmember. But unlike a Jersey Shore castmember, it’s incapable of punching people in the face at random for your entertainment.” Phil Villarreal OK! Magazine

Never before has ‘not being able to punch strangers in the face’ been such a negative.

“Just modern enough, sassy without being snarky, fresh and contemporary without any po-mo air quotes.” Nell Minow Beliefnet

At some point, post (after) modern will have to face the fact that it’s too old to be “new.”

“Still, it’s Rapunzel growing up to out-diva her mommie dearest that kept me glued.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

Speaking of divas, two generations of singers collaborate for a show that blends music and dance in the style of Burlesque (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Rated a family-friendly PG-13, Burlesque never loses its shit, never gets erotically out of hand, never devolves into delicious camp.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

Using the word ‘shit’ in your review might earn you a harsher rating than PG-13.

“Approximately 10% of you are going to LOVE this movie.” Thomas Leupp Hollywood.com

The remaining audience is comprised of: people who expected a dirtier movie based on the title (20%) and people who can’t figure percentages (60%).

“Confession: I’ve seen “Showgirls” more than once. But the only way I’d watch Burlesque again is if I were trapped on a satellite with my robot friends and forced to watch cheesy movies while scientists monitored my mind.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

Seeing the world with Crow-colored glasses

“The dialogue falls upon the ear like baseball bats.” Kurt Loder Reason Online

To clarify, listening to non-songs feels like having Barry Bonds swing for the fences with your head being the ball.

“It’s entertaining enough, like watching a celebrity workout film with a plot. But never once is it believable. Really, the movie should last 30 seconds.” Wesley Morris Boston Globe

A half-minute is short, even for a music video.  You really can’t make the movie go much Faster (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“‘Faster’’ is meat-and-potatoes action with a side of crazy.” Ty Burr Boston Globe

Most people leave the crazy out of their Thanksgiving meal.

“The Rock didn’t start calling himself by his actual name, Dwayne Johnson, so he could make garbage like ‘Faster.’”  Mick LaSalle San Francisco Chronicle

If it’s garbage, I don’t want to smell what the Rock is cooking.

“Faster is stripped for action without a moment wasted on unnecessary dialogue, exposition or nuances.” The Hollywood Reporter Kirk Honeycutt

If efficiency is the priority, this should have been the title

“Faster works best as an ode to the awesome power of the Chevrolet Chevelle SS. By the end of this underwritten wanna-B movie, only the black-and-white muscle car is left standing with its dignity intact.” Washington Post Dan Kois

Unexpected.  The car wins?

“Faster turns out to be a better-than-average vendetta film with enough forward momentum to keep audiences glued (Elmer’s, not Super) to their seats” Marc Savlov Austin Chronicle

And if you can’t resist smelling glue, perhaps you should consider experimenting with Love and Other Drugs (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“This is a surprisingly sexy movie in which Jamie (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Maggie (Anne Hathaway), whose relationship is spent almost entirely in the bedroom, often doff their clothes for some casual but refreshingly adult lovemaking.” Miami Herald Rene Rodriguez

Should we assume that it is refreshing because most sex-comedies contain juvenile lovemaking?

“Given the pretty nudity and the hearts ‘n’ flowers finale, this one is strictly for teen fans of the actors to sneak into.” Liz Braun Jam! Movies

Adult lovemaking voyeurism is recommended for juvenile delinquents.  Did I get that right?

“There’s no drug strong enough to get me through another movie like Love and Other Drugs.” Rex Reed New York Observer

Not even this?

“They could have made a harder-hitting, more realistic film, but then no one would have gone to see it.” Marc Mohan Oregonian

Except those who were encouraged to sneak in by movie critics.

“The movie’s got ADD like you wouldn’t believe.” The Hollywood Reporter Kirk Honeycutt

King Sheep forgot what he was writing about