I don’t know/care about Flynn Lorax, but I’m incredibly curious about a secret project to create the world’s most expensive bullet. Even if it’s solid gold and covered with gold-dipped diamonds, no single shot of ammunition should cost that much. At that price, it could kill the poor without being fired. Nations can’t wage war with billion dollar bullets, because everyone would starve if they Let The Bullets Fly (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Though a good-natured and highly enjoyable goof, Jiang Wen’s comic blockbuster – the highest-grossing movie made in China – more than lives up to its name.” Elizabeth Weitzman New York Daily News

As the highest grossing Chinese movie, we could call it China’s Avatar. However, Avatar was the highest grossing movie in China too, which means China’s Avatar is Avatar.

“It is marvelously funny – a screwball comedy with more layers than a pearl – and visually sumptuous.” Wall Street Journal Joe Morgenstern

Of the most commonly-used metaphors for complexity, which has the most layers – an onion, a pearl, or a pearl onion?

“A rollicking, violent, Western-cum-comedy that serves many masters, but adds up to an entertaining hot pot of wry political commentary and general mischief.” John Anderson Variety

General Mischief

“Funny, exciting, and at 132 minutes, a half an hour too long.” Matt Singer IFC.com

Even if that’s true, editing out ¼ of China’s #1 movie might offend the ⅕ of the world’s population that lives there.  Anything involving that degree of risk needs a harmless-sounding name, like Project X (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“’Project X’ is a John Hughes movie from the ’80s, right down to its final shot, but it’s wrapped in a level of chaos and decadence that sums up the career of producer Todd Phillips with a gleeful degree of anarchy.” Drew McWeeny HitFix

There wasn’t much anarchy in the 80’s. The Breakfast Club’s worst criminal actually went to detention.

“Have teenagers always been this idiotic or does Project X move the goalposts?” Todd McCarthy Hollywood Reporter

Go back and watch Animal House or Weird Science. Teenagers are great movie idiots because youth is a character flaw everyone overcomes. Hence, if the goalposts were moved, it was up and down.

“Project X” is that beau who sets off warning bells when he’s there to date your little girl. You won’t want to let her out the door with this creep.” Roger Moore Ottawa Citizen

Not all creeps are creepy and the creepy aren't all creeps

“There’s a lot to dislike about Project X.” Keith Phipps AV Club

For example, you can’t rearrange the letters and spell The Lorax (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“The result is solidly entertaining – not quite as good as “Horton Hears a Who” or “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” – but unquestionably better than “The Cat in the Hat.”” ReelViews James Berardinelli

Finishing third in a four-horse race takes home the bronze, despite being one spot from last.

“Did you ever get a package where the bubble wrap was 10 times the volume of the item inside? That’s what “Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax” is like.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

Where the bubble wrap lives

”[The Lorax] has its share of eye-popping amusements, but its wobbly pacing and routine kidpic elements make for an experience that feels not just tiresome and rudderless but antithetical to the Seuss spirit.” Justin Chang Variety

A message is only antithetical to Suess if you don’t mean it.  After all, it was Suess who said “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

”Armed with a splendid voice cast and a gorgeously-rendered 3D-CG landscape, Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax entertains while delivering its pro-environmental, anti-greed message wrapped in a bright package of primary colors that truly pop.” Michael Rechtshaffen Hollywood Reporter

The pro-environment/anti-greed message is “Hey everybody, don’t burn and/or horde everything.” Roughly 99% of the world would agree, regardless of whether they’re being good, being bad, or Being Flynn (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“Yes, it has a fine performance by De Niro. Yes, it briefly brings us into the middle of a homeless hell.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger

Yes, beginning your review with ‘yes’ makes it sound like you’re weary from an argument no one was having with you.

“[De Niro] never finds any poetry in Flynn’s bellicose soul. He just makes you wish that the guy would shut up.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

No, we weren’t talking to you, even though you’re the only one here

“De Niro’s fullest role and strongest performance in years as a proud, self-deluded writer on a relentless downward spiral. A reminder that De Niro is still the best.” Caryn James James on screenS

DeNiro is the DeNiro of cinema.

“Dano is still doing his ethereal, creepy underacting routine, but, compared with De Niro’s scenery chewing, he seems almost dignified. The film, written and directed by Paul Weitz, has many touching moments and many more hokey ones.” Christian Science Monitor Peter Rainer

When an actor “Chews the Scenery,” they are overacting to the point where audiences might expect them to take a bite out of the set, which sounds like an inane skit from Tim And Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“In every swelling musical cue, Billion Dollar Movie displays open contempt for friendship, family, love, sex, heroism, and everything lofty and beautiful that multiplex movies have reduced to cant.” Village Voice Nick Pinkerton

Reduce to cant = expand to can?

“It would be insulting to refer to “Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie” as amateurish – insulting to amateurs everywhere.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Amateurs do things without getting paid.  If any fraction of the billion dollars went to the people with their names in the title, they are professionals by default.

“In a timid comic world, Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie feels genuinely dangerous and transgressive: it makes a virtue of going way too far because other comedies don’t go far enough.” The A.V. Club Nathan Rabin

Does it count if you have to?

“Recycles characters and plotlines from their show, along with badly made commercials and faux PSAs about inane subjects, a gambit that dates back to such comedy compilations as “Kentucky Fried Movie” or even “Laugh-In.” What Tim & Eric has that those others lacked are the many sexually outre, scatological and degrading moments that seem intended to shock — and perhaps will, if you’re really young or really old.” Variety John Anderson

If you’re neither?

“Do you enjoy diarrhea and screaming? Is your favorite sound effect the “gooey sploosh?” Then the heavens have answered all of your prayers.” Matt Fowler IGN Movies

King Sheep thanks onomatopoeia for the word ‘sploosh’