Give my ocular nerves a rest
Damn, another Transformer’s movie. When I did a roundup for the first one (Transformers [2007]: RT 57% – M 61%), I was under the influence of prescription strength nostalgia and was wooed by the promise of giant robot fights and Michael Baysplosions. Now, looking back, I feel it lacked the luster. The real test came when I tried to rewatch it. I found myself fatigued by an idiotic plot and nonsensical action so much so that I didn’t even finish it. Now, faced with the prospect of watching a sequel I’m left with many questions such as: Are the promise of more robot fights and Megan Fox cleavage enough to justify a sequel? Will the movie simulate the fun I’d have playing with a two-story toy robot? And, since when do summer movies premiere on a Tuesday?
“It’s bigger. Badder. Boobier. And many other words beginning with B, including boneheadedly brilliant.” Robbie Collin News of the World
Behold the big, bad, booby blockbuster bleeding boisterous banality, brazen baboon bravado, and battling ballistic bots. Best beware.
“…a monolithic action masterpiece that feels destined to be the biggest movie of all time.” Todd Gilchrist Cinematical
Attempting to determine sarcasm…none detected. Holy batcrap!
“Despite its few faults, this is this summer’s biggest ticket and ties with Star Trek for the best summer blockbuster of 2009.” Simon Thompson Heart 106.2
Masterpiece? Best summer blockbuster? Few faults? Are we talking about the same movie here? This is Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (RT: 28% – M: 41%). Where is all the criticism?
“Bay’s most unrestrained and ridiculous to date. The male teenage cinematic equivalent of snorting cocaine off a hooker’s ass.” Garth Franklin Dark Horizons
I feel like my expectations have been brought back to earth by way of a meteoric volleyball spike. However, I’m not sure how clear ‘hooker ass cocaine’ is as a simile. Anyone else?
“If you want to save yourself theticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times
Okay, but will there be previews and popcorn?
Fans were pretty clear about what they wanted out of a sequel
“At once loud and boring, like watching paint dry while getting hit over the head with a frying pan. And at two and a half hours, it really is very long.” Peter Bradshaw Guardian [UK]
Long, loud, and lame. Sounds pretty terrible.
“It’s like being hit over the head repeatedly with a very expensive, very loud train set.” Ed Potton Times [UK]
What’s with the movie simulating head trauma? So, it’s like getting hit on the noggin with a frying pan and an expensive train set. What other types of sensory overload can we expect?
“It’s like watching a blender for two hours while someone shouts at you. And then the last half an hour is the same, except it’s more like having your head strapped to a washing machine while you watch a blender and someone shouts at you.” FHM [UK]
“Revenge of the Fallen is more like listening to rocks in a clothes dryer for 2½ hours.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune
“A 150-minute simulation of life in a garbage disposal.” Matt Pais Metromix.com
Does she ride a Harley Garbage Disposal or a Kawasaki Blender?
So, let me get this all straight. If I were to stick my head in a garbage disposal then stare at a blender, some paint drying, and a washing machine filled with rocks while banging pots and pans together, listening to loud music, and watching a gamer sniff cocaine off a hooker’s butt, I’d simulate the experience of watching Transformers 2? While I’m looking for where I sign up for this experience, does someone want to finish us off?
“It finally occurred to me that pyrotechnics are Bay’s pornography: massive, fiery money-shots. I hope he had a sufficient supply of tissues in the editing room.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine
That wasn’t the climax I had in mind. But it will do.
PDJ blesses blind bohemian bloodhounds in Braille