Poor Jack.  His ass is going to jail and someone whipped his fleshy couch cushion until it had more red stripes than an American flag.  Actually, that sounds more like a stunt you’d see in Jackass 3D (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Ten years into the Jackass franchise, it’s obvious the well is starting to run dry. Then again, if you show Johnny Knoxville an empty well, he’ll jump in headfirst. After packing it with writhing snakes.” Elizabeth Weitzman New York Daily News

Are people already making stunt suggestions for Jackass 4?  If so, I would like to see the entire cast streak the President for our entertainment rather than a million dollars.

“Most of us think of a penis as having two purposes. But as we learn in Jackass 3D, this is a narrow view.” Kurt Loder Reason Online

Oh sure, guys can use their wangs as ineffective coat hangers or for gesturing at the audience in 3D.

“A joyous, liberated approach to comedy, a genuine sense of the grotesque and pacing so relentless that even the less-than-uproarious bits don’t overstay their welcome.” Variety Justin Chang

A genuine sense of the grotesque will be welcomed at the end of the month.

Does Lady Gaga have to dress normal on Halloween?

“The only truly new element here is the use of 3-D, which occasionally brings various stunts leaping off the screen and into your lap, whether you like it or not.” Jen Yamato Movies.com

The previous movies feature all kinds of disgusting and grotesque things that shouldn’t be in front of a camera, let alone in my lap.  That includes Steve-O.

“Knoxville and his boys seem to be saying goodbye. To which I can’t help thinking, fondly, it’s time.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

And when it’s our time, we should close our eyes and greet the sweet Hereafter (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“There is plenty of excitement and pulse in Hereafter, as well as a reluctance to provide easy answers to life’s great mysteries. I’m happy to see a great director take on the challenge of new and different material with his customary grace and impressive two-fisted technique intact.” New York Observer Rex Reed

Since most directors have full use of both their hands, I’m left to wonder if a two-fisted technique involves boxing the actors or directing with a beer both hands.

“Just because a film takes place entirely in the long shadow of death doesn’t mean it has to be this relentlessly dour.” The Onion A.V. Club Nathan Rabin

You’d prefer this meditation on death to play out like an Irish wake?

“The only thing more disconcerting than seeing an action-disaster sequence open a Clint Eastwood drama is watching the 80-year-old auteur channel M. Night Shyamalan.” Joe Neumaier New York Daily News

If that’s true, Clint needs to change the channel.

“A trio of thinly-drawn narratives that combine into one triply disappointing mega-“meh”, it doesn’t so much ask questions about the afterlife as threaten to.” Brian Juergens CampBlood.org

Behold the threatening power of mega-meh!

“The movie will divide some Eastwood fans, conquer others. The naysayers will be grateful that, from this healthy, workaholic actor-director, there is always the promise of a good movie — if not here, then hereafter.” Richard Corliss TIME Magazine

If you’re going to promise his next movie will be better, you should include a free pass. Anything less and disgruntled audiences might start to see Red (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Give me Helen Mirren with a semi-automatic weapon and Morgan Freeman smiling, “We’re getting the band back together,” and I will happily settle back and enjoy the popcorn.” Nell Minow Beliefnet

Those two things sound appealing, but they can’t sustain a 2-hour movie.

“What it lacks in originality, it makes up for in Helen Mirren with a gun, which should be a requirement of all movies from now on.” David Medsker Bullz-Eye.com

Nevermind.  Apparently classy British women with guns are as essential for films as plot, characters, and a projector.

“RED positively dares you not to have a good time.” Graham Killeen Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Is there such thing as negative daring?

“Red isn’t a great movie, but it’s great fun, and if that sounds like damning with faint praise, you take things too seriously.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic


“RED stands for “Retired, Extremely Dangerous,” though “Reasonably Entertaining Diversion” works too.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

While it could also have been labeled a Respectfully Enchanting Distraction, our next film deals with the Really Egregious Detention that follows a criminal Conviction (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“The ever-magnetic Sam Rockwell is Kenny, Minnie Driver is full of beans as Betty Anne’s best friend, Melissa Leo is wicked good as an ornery cop, and, in her two chewy scenes, Juliette Lewis reminds fans why we want her to run free forever.” Entertainment Weekly Lisa Schwarzbaum

It’s an actor’s showcase where some actors are magnets, and others are wicked or hippies.  However you left out the swanky lead.

“When she lands the right part, Swank delivers with as much conviction as anyone working in Hollywood today.” David Germain Associated Press

It’s impressive when the movie title and a descriptive compliment are the same.  I’m surprised no one said that about Jackass.

“There are times when clichés can be comforting and even profound in their familiarity, and then there are times when they’re just, well, clichés. Conviction largely traffics in the latter.” Noel Murray AV Club

The pro-cliche argument is: It may be a cliche, but it’s always new for somebody.

“Ultimately, though, it’s a little schizo, like a depressed dude in a clown suit, or a Theodore Dreiser novel hopped up on not enough happy pills.” Salon.com Andrew O’Hehir

Speaking of convictions, does someone want to detain the schizophrenic clown whose hunting for pills?

“Just because some truth is stranger than fiction doesn’t necessarily make it better than fiction, more compelling or more dramatic or even more convincing than fiction.” Rick Groen Globe and Mail

King Sheep wonders if most truth is fiction