King Sheep Productions

This week offers a funny set of firework options.  There’s the 3D special-effect-laced kung-fu sort, the supernatural kissing kind, and the brothel biopic explosion-of-the-pants variety.  So, regardless of whether you prefer entertainment for your eyes, your heart, or your crotch, this weekend has something for you.  First up, the critics employ word-fu against M. Night’s The Last Airbender (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Where to start with this one? How about this: If any movie ever warranted a class-action lawsuit against the filmmakers, it’s The Last Airbender.” Keith Phipps AV Club

Considering a class-action lawsuit is a collective lawsuit brought by a large group of people (like all people who paid to see it), the movie must be toxic for your eyes to deserve a lethal dose of legal venom.

Most reviewers address the film in the context of the series, which means that “of the franchise’ will be a common expression.  The spectrum ranges from:

“This is definitely the worst installment of the franchise to date.” Noah Berlatsky Chicago Reader

To:

“The most troublesome blow is the archaic message of a girl who will abandon everything for a boy – friends, mother, father and even her soul. This is a character whose only identity is her boyfriend; Bella Swan sets women in film back fifty years.” Clay Cane BET.com

If she continues that trend for the series finale, she might rewind gender relationships all the way back to the birth of vampires.

“With the bigger story and more fully developed relationships than the previous films, this is the first Twilight film that feels like a real movie in its own right.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Liam Lacey

Seven hours of film, $500 million dollars profit, and a legion of screaming Twihards, and it’s finally a movie?  Congrats.

“Bella Swan, you two-timing Tessie!  Must every great love story take the shape of a triangle?  Couldn’t we get a rectangle or a trapezoid?”  Clint O’Conner Cleveland Plain Dealer

“‘Eclipse’ has a little more, uh, meat than the previous offerings in the ‘Twilight’ series.” Linda Cook Quad City Times (Davenport, IA)

And if you like, uh, meat euphemisms, perhaps you should head over to the Love Ranch (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A tawdry look at the early days of Nevada’s legalized brothel business that plays more like Lifetime fodder than the Martin Scorsese pictures that serve as its model.” Variety Peter Debruge

In case you wanted to know what it would look like to have a mob thriller made by the Oxygen network.

“What happens when the worst tendencies of a poor screenplay are exaggerated by labored and unimaginative direction?” Andrew Schenker Slant Magazine

Answer: The producers assume that storytelling and entertainment are less important than showcasing a few great actors.

“Just another tawdry soap opera, tarted up with bigger names in hopes of lending it unearned legitimacy.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

To be fair, the film’s stars earned it a place in this roundup.

“There’s no flash, no sizzle, no surprise. Just beefcake and cheesecake, served on a plastic plate.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger

“The kind of unabashed embarrassment that should send people to their attorneys to see if there’s any legal way to get it removed from their pages on IMDB, Wikipedia, and the like.” Brian Tallerico Movie Retriever

Another movie that inspires people to call their lawyer?  Thankfully, there isn’t a precedent for suing movies out of existence…that I know of.

“Mirren maintains her class throughout Love Ranch. She may deserve another Oscar just for keeping a straight face while reciting a ridiculous speech about the Donner Pass tragedy on her way to a tryst with her character’s lover.” New York Post Lou Lumenick