While disappearing neighborhood identification is unsettling, it’s not as serious as the late winter movie dry spell.  Sadly, the drought continues this week and its end remains Unknown (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Implausible, over-the-top, ridiculous and for the most part, fun is a much better description for this “smart suspense” flick.” JimmyO iamROGUE

The tone, logic, and use of ‘orphan quotes’ makes that review the cinematic equivalent of “she’s got a great personality.”
Q: Is it good?
A: Well, it’s fun.

“Unknown is finely tuned pulp filmmaking, a dumb movie with a smart veneer, which is nothing to sneeze at.” St. Petersburg Times Steve Persall

Q: Is it smart?
A:Well, it’s fun.

“That’s eventually what Unknown is – violent, impersonal and comforting.” Movieline Elvis Mitchell

Another unknown: What if violent maniacs give the best hugs?

“I saw “Unknown” with an entourage whose average age was about 70. They loved it, although one of them kept calling it “The Bond Ultimatum.” Which sounds about right.” Wesley Morris Boston Globe

The Bond Ultimatum: Starring Bourne, James Bourne.

“John Wayne wore cowboy drag, Mel Gibson’s mullet was his tip-off, but the most recognizable action hero signature these days is Liam Neeson’s nose.” Steve Persall vSt. Petersburg Times

Despite calling out John Wayne’s masculinity, associating mullets with psychos, and praising Neeson’s nose, the next inductee into this dubious hall of acclaim should look at his fellow action icons and say to himself “I Am Number Four (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).”

“What we have here is a witless attempt to merge the “Twilight” formula with the Michael Bay formula.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

How witless was the attempt?  Did they end up with vampires versus robots or Twiformers: Revenge Of The Emo?

“Like its chaste, chemistry-free central couple, Number Four is all buildup and no release.” Josh Bell Las Vegas Weekly

While the comment works as a metaphor for unsatisfied desires, why not commit to the alliteration and call the couple’s chronic chastity a case of canceled coitus?

“A flashy, lunkheaded sci-fi extravaganza sure to appeal to teenagers who like their interplanetary warfare bloodless, their high-school soaps squeaky-clean and their numbers countable on one hand.” Variety Justin Chang

What about those of us who are comfortable counting on two hands (and, if necessary, feet)?

“Is I Am Number Four going to revolutionize Young Adult fantasy filmmaking? Let’s not FOURce the issue.” Jordan Hoffman UGO

Let’s hope that was the worst of the wordplay.  If not, FOURgetaboutit.

“”I Am Number Four” has more than a whiff of number two about it…” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

And if you catch a whiff of poo-smell, pray it disappears like a Vanishing on 7th Street (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Wonderfully shot in deep, bleak shadows, set to an aggressively moody musical score, and quick enough to get through the apocalypse in less than 90 minutes.” Scott Weinberg FEARnet

Hop in the express line for the apocalypse – Fifteen sins or less.

“The movie begins to feel like a grad-school thesis masquerading as entertainment. So what’s the metaphor? It’s way too vague to tell.” Joshua Rothkopf Time Out New York

The film’s metaphor is as vague as a bad metaphor.

“Anderson has made a zombie movie without the zombies.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

Our final film is a comedy without laughs: Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Among this film’s many misdemeanours is pinching the plot of Some Like It Hot.” Peter Bradshaw Guardian [UK]

The movie about cross-dressing crime stoppers is committing crimes of its own?

“Whoever demanded a third instalment of Lawrence’s mirthless mash-up of weak gags and cross-dressing horrors should be imprisoned and forced to watch it on repeat until they repent. Avoid.” Anna Smith Empire Magazine

A film that commits crimes becomes its own punishment.  That zen notion is likely to be more interesting than the movie.

“The movie is at least 20 minutes too long. Actually, it’s 107 minutes too long.” Roz Laws Birmingham Post

King Sheep suspects the trailer is too long