Monsters go 12 haunting rounds in Connecticut with Aliens
The big release this week is Dreamworks’s Monsters vs. Aliens (M: 55% – RT: 69%) with solid reviews and a jam-down-your-throat hype assault. The consensus seems to be that it is an enjoyable, but unoriginal send up of 1950’s science fiction films that today’s kids won’t know. The best thing about it might be that it takes place in a universe where Stephen Colbert is President. It’s paired with two forgettable movies that are destined to end up on late night Spike TV: The Haunting in Connecticut and 12 Rounds (staring WWE wrestler John Cena). So, for the parents likely to be dragged to see MvA, here’s what you’re in for.
“The grandeur of the effects–the honest-to-God spectacle of the thing–elevates Monsters vs. Aliens to something approaching art. It’s not a masterpiece, but it’s most certainly a milestone.” Village Voice Robert Wilonsky
Perhaps it was unfair of me to assume that only kids will like it.
The alien community of Earth will probably be upset by their depiction. Goodbye campaign donations.
“If the difference between a movie and an ad is substantial character, excitement and story, then Monsters vs. Aliens is officially a toy commercial.” Matt Pais Metromix.com
Perhaps not. Paying 8 bucks to watch a 90-minute ad sounds less enjoyable than shaving my head with a nail file. How about the whole 3D hullabaloo?
“If you have to see Monsters vs. Aliens – and if you’re a parent, you will have to – make sure it’s the 3-D version.” Boston Globe Ty Burr
“3-D is a distraction and an annoyance.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert
Huzzah for consensus! No wait, that other thing. Are there any lasting impressions that MvA should be lauded for?
I wish this story had gotten more coverage when it happened. Damn media bias against lies.
“This is a lean 90 minutes, packed with laughs and age-appropriate thrills — not to mention a solid lesson for girls about self-respect.” TV Guide Perry Seibert
Huzzah again.
“Funny, but stumbles from scene to scene kind of like Lindsay Lohan stumbles out of the Roosevelt Hotel on a Friday night.” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com
That comparison lacks self-respect. Anyhow, moving on to 12 Rounds, hopefully the title connects to boxing/wrestling rather than the amount of ammunition used. Basically the plot can be summed up as ‘John Cena kicks ass.’ Very few reviewers have seen the movie as of opening day; however here are the good/bad slim picks:
“With wrestling powerhouse WWE producing, chances are the statement, “Guys, this just doesn’t make any sense,” never came up during a script meeting. I can’t fault 12 Rounds for being dumb. However, I will criticize 12 Rounds for being awful.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com
“This big-budget action thriller excels at dishing out a plot that’s a bit like a chess game on speed.” Louise Keller Urban Cinefile
Somewhere between awful and speed chess lies the truth. Last up, The Haunting in Connecticut (31% M -19% RT). Right now, the scariest thing about this movie is the poster, it freaks me right the hell out.
“In the realm of domestic horror, The Haunting in Connecticut is about as scary as a shower that suddenly changes temperature when someone flushes the toilet.” Village Voice Scott Foundas
AHHHHHH!
YAAAAAAAY! Personally, I'm comforted by the fact that this dick isn't one of us.
“The Haunting in Connecticut is never particularly scary–making it a horror film for people who don’t really like horror films.” Mike Bracken The Horror Geek
And this from a self-described Horror Geek.
“Not very haunty.” New York Post Kyle Smith
Say no more. Have a pleasant weekend.
PDJ