Gunpowder guys should stay away from witches; despite their chilly reputation, most have Warm Bodies (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Warm Bodies is a sweetly funny and touching riff on Beauty and the Beast or Romeo and Juliet — if the Beast feasted on flesh or Romeo came back from the dead.” Cary Darling Fort Worth Star-Telegram/

Tell Juliet and Beauty to run for it.

“Jonathan “50/50″ Levine has turned Isaac Marion’s teen romance novel into an often amusing tongue-in-cheek romantic comedy – tongue in cheek, and brains in teeth. Chewy, tasty brains.” Movie Nation Roger Moore

Mmmm. Nuuuuuts.

“You’d have to be a zombie not to enjoy it.” Tom Long Detroit News

Any brain dead reviewers out there?

“Zombie lore doesn’t allow for redemption, only head shots, and Levine’s film, amusing though it may be, is never gory enough to truly become a classic zombie movie. It also ignores the one basic necessity of monster films, even the funny ones: It really ought to be creepy or scary or gross, at least once or twice.” Miami Herald Connie Ogle

It’s a Zom-Rom-Com minus the Nom-Nom-Nom.

“In a genre that’s grown so exhausted – what are we, up to “Night of the Resident Evil Dead Part 23” by now? – “Warm Bodies” not only brings in some fresh blood, but has brains to spare.” Stephen WhittyNewarkStar-Ledger

Eventually we’ll give up on permutations of “resident” & “dead” and settle for labels like Movie 43 (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“At its best, Movie 43 resembles a risqué episode of Saturday Night Live – a comparison reinforced by the presence of both parody ads and Jason Sudeikis. At its worst? Let’s just say that Hugh Jackman fans who want to remember the actor as Jean Valjean and not as a guy with a scrotum sprouting from his neck should make alternate plans this weekend.” Entertainment Weekly Maane Khatchatourian

Wolverine – Jean Valjean – Neck Scrotum Guy. Is he moving in a more-tortured or less-tortured direction?

“How many directors does it take to screw in a star-studded piece of aggressive stupidity and call it a movie? An even dozen, and there is no punch line.” Sheri Linden Los Angeles Times

Rim minus the shot.

“Just no.” Empire Kim Newman

Just say it

“It’s rare to see a piece of sh** that actually looks and sounds like a piece of sh**. It’s kind of exciting!” New York Magazine (Vulture) David Edelstein

The shit is shit.

“If you mashed-up the worst parts of the infamous “Howard the Duck,” “Gigli,” “Ishtar” and every other awful movie I’ve seen since I started reviewing professionally in 1981, it wouldn’t begin to approach the sheer soul-sucking badness of the cringe-inducing Movie 43.” New York Post Lou Lumenick

If the shit guy is right, it sounds like…

“’Movie 43’ is the “Citizen Kane” of awful.” Richard Roeper Chicago Sun-Times

Meaning it will make critics want to take a Bullet To The Head (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“This is a brutal and stupid movie.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

How many Stallone movies fit that description?

“A wilfully old-fashioned, oddly soothing sprawl of cool cars, heavy weaponry, chain-link fences and cackling crooks.” Xan Brooks Guardian [UK]

Its rare for the best qualities to include “Chain-link fences.”

“The Geritol action genre lumbers on in the lackluster “Bullet to the Head,” starring Sylvester Stallone, or at least a beef jerky replica.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

If zombie bites make zombies, what does biting zombies do?

“By the end I could have used a Bulleit to the mouth.” Joe Morgenstern Wall Street Journal

Technically, your mouth is in your head.

“It’s junk, and it’s excessively violent, which is a given. Approach it as a Stallone movie (which it is) or as a Hill movie (which it is), but it’s more interesting as a Hill movie. If it gets this director back into the hard-driving action game, then it will have done its duty.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

If we need help with which witch is which, we should call Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“I doubt that they had Strike Anywhere matches in the 14th century, and I’m pretty sure nobody said things like “Whatever happens, stay cool.” Rex Reed New York Observer

I’m pretty sure people didn’t wear head-to-toe leather jumpsuits and use hair product in the middle ages either, but hunting witches with rags and diseases doesn’t look as cool in 3D.

“What to say about this lame-brained, limp dick attempt to update a classic Brothers Grimm tale into an f-bomb throwing vomit-inducing 3D franchise? I say, screw the damn thing and run the other way.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

Rule #1: Cardio

“What’s next, ‘The Old Woman who lives in the Shoe – with Shoulder-Fired Rocket Launchers?'” Mark Ramsey MovieJuice!

Yes please!

“What on Earth are Renner and Arterton doing in this godforsaken thing?” Stephanie Zacharek Village Voice

Answer: Demon$trating that they are Stand Up Guys (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Dare we say it? Even the acting is atrocious, with pop-eyed Pacino chewing the scenery like a geezer gumming his oatmeal.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

He said it, but nobody dared him.

“Just because “Stand Up Guys” is not very good is no reason not to see it.” Duane Dudek Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Damn that was faint praise.

“It’s like watching your grandfather get naked on YouTube.” Ty Burr Boston Globe

Great idea! Said no one ever.

“Is it fun? Sure, some of the time. Is it good? That’s a stretch. Does it tap the potential of these three actors? Fuggedaboutit.” Tom LongDetroitNews

King Sheep loves rhetorical questions?