Horton Hears a Who!
Audian 6:30/8:45
Dr. Seuss is to movies what Dick Cheney is to Nobel Peace Prizes, that is, they don’t go together. Up until now, the good doctor’s illustrated tales have been the basis for the unappealing Grinch and the unwatchable Cat in the Hat. This week we find out if the third time is the charm or if the third time completes an unholy trifecta of exploitive crap hell-bent on squeezing undeserved cash out of beloved children’s classics. What do we got?
“What distinguishes Horton Hears a Who! from the other recent Dr. Seuss film adaptations is that it is not one of the worst movies ever made.” A.O. Scott New York Times
Kudos. That almost sounds like a compliment. I’m glad to hear that it’s not one of the worst movies ever made. Next question: how close is it to being the worst movie ever made?
“Teeters throughout at that juncture between masterpiece and piffle.” Walter Chaw Film Freak Central
Okay. Those two things aren’t very close together. Anyone want to try to make less sense with their review?
“It’s metaphysically literal, or literally metaphysical.” Fred Topel Can Magazine
Nice work Fred. We need to unpack that description a little. Apparently the allegorical angle is open to interpretation. Should we expect religious overtones?
“[W]hat has Hollywood done with this gentle plea for tolerance? It has been turned into something that looks astonishingly like far-right propaganda about how Christians are a persecuted minority — as if this were 100AD in the Roman Empire…” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher
Okay, wow. The Filosophers (who misspell their own name) have spoken. Let’s balance that with the snobs.
“The metaphysical angle is too awkward: Horton comes off like a Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster.” Stephen Himes Film Snobs
Somewhere between ancient Roman religious persecution and Pastafarianism lies the truth. It sounds like our first G-rated film is part of an eternal struggle between good and evil. I don’t know if we should expect warm fuzzies or hairballs. Let’s wrap this up.
“No elevating moments, but a few of pure mirth: “In my world,” says one of the film’s furry woodland creatures, “everybody’s a pony, they eat rainbows and poop butterflies … ” Now that would be something to see.” John Anderson Variety
Indeed it would.
Politely Dodging Jehovah
This Friday’s entertainment (Drillbit Taylor: 6:30/9pm) comes from the Seth Rogan/Judd Apatow Wonder Twins. Take the form of: Box office success! Sadly, the bullies-tormenting-nerds theme didn’t resonate with audiences or critics (26%). So, in unnecessary honor of its ill-executed theme, I will do my dandiest to berate, badger, and belittle the following reviewers. Game on.
“The poster tagline for Drillbit Taylor is “You get what you pay for.” And who knew recycled waste will cost you $8 at the multiplex these days? . . . Ninth-grade setting, kindergarten male writing.” Brian Gibson Vue Weekly (Edmonton, Canada)
A) You have ninth grade acne and kindergarten girl writing.
B) Stop asking stupid rhetorical questions and explain why poo costs 8 bucks.
C) If you don’t shut up I’ll drillbit your face.
“This rag-tag bunch of losers combine to create some wonderful laugh-out-loud moments, the largest arriving in the final confrontation when Drillbit catches hold of a Samurai sword blade.”
Sun Online
A) Don’t you mean a Samurai sword? A ‘Samurai sword blade’ has no hilt and hates fingers.
B) Lol mmts, ≥ @ End w/ katana. It’s called economy of language. Look it up.
C) Do you think you’re clever Mr. Online? I should find out where Mrs. Online lives, take her out for a nice seafood dinner and NEVER call her again.
“I don’t mind Drillbit Taylor but why was I watching it? Oh yeah, I get paid to.” Fred Topel Can Magazine
A) Do us all a favor and remove the silver spoon from your fleshy theater cushion.
B) You suck. You should write for Can’t Magazine.
C) Phone call for you. Ted Copel wants his name cadence back.
“Movies such as this remind us that Owen Wilson is nothing less than a national treasure.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel
A) Wait. He’s a whatnow? Goodbye credibility.
B) “Choose your next witticism carefully Mr. Bond, it may be your last.”
C) You just equated the Statue of Liberty to the guy from Starsky & Hutch. Why do you hate America?
Apparently, I can’t resist bullying people with movie quotes. “Inconceivable!” We round up this round-up with a special shout out to Annie the Devourer! This weekend on Saturday the 17th of May, she will attempt to consume 3 monster burritos at our newest Palouse taco truck – La Taco Differentia. Come down at noon and eat some yummy Mexican food and watch as a local legend is born. And if you want to toast Annie’s success, use her favorite beer.
“[Drillbit Taylor is] A Miller Lite version of Superbad “ Kevin Carr 7M Pictures
Cheers.
Pouring Deschutes Joyfully
Now that all Audian movies have been cost adjusted in the direction of inconsequent, we face a new query regarding quality assessment (can you tell that I just submitted a CCCC proposal?). Namely, where do you draw the line between a movie that is worth a lonely dead president and one that is not? This week’s movie (10,000 BC) will help establish a baseline with its embarrassingly low rating of 9% positive (113 ‘please stop’/11 ‘meh’). Prepare yourself for gems of negativity.
“A beggar’s banquet of milky CGI beasties and clunky battle-porn set-pieces, 10,000 B.C. is an extravagant waste of time, money and effort. Fans of caveman antics may want to go with something more historically accurate. Like The Flintstones.” Total Film
“Yabba-dabba-don’t.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger
Okay, with two critics referencing the Bedrock boys I’d guess the campiness is fairly palatable. Also, does anyone else secretly wish that the Flinstones were historically accurate? Maybe it’s just me, but I really wanted a pet saber tooth tiger and a baby woolly mammoth for a vacuum cleaner. That’s my brand of silly.
“Oh my god: the silly, it burns. It burns!” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher
Yessh. Sounds more like the scary kind of silly; the kind that lights your eyes on fire for gazing upon an unholy sight.
“My poor brain hung in there for as long as it could, but it lost its grip during the giant chicken attack and I haven’t seen it since.” Rob Vaux Flipside Movie Emporium
Not only does it singe your ocular cavities but it makes brains flee in terror? Holy cow, this movie is killing people. We need a token positive review before someone croaks.
“Strictly a popcorn flick version of Joseph Campell’s hero’s journey that looks great even as it plays fast and very loose with geography, biology, and anything else that gets in its way.”Andrea Chase Killer Movie Reviews
So it’s a disposable adventure movie with less accuracy than a 1960’s cartoon. That’s the compliment? We’re in for a good one folks. Sounds like the kind of movie we hope to forget having watched.
“May indeed last until the end of time, kept alive in drinking games and in history and geography classrooms on April Fool’s Day.”Matt Pais Metromix.com
You hear that? We’ve been instructed by the professionals to make this movie a drinking game. See you at 7pm.
Prehistorically Damned Jerk