Valentine’s Day looms, not much else to say, so Just Go With It (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“It’s abundantly clear that Sandler is caught in his own memory gap. As he wrestles with an uncomfortable middle age, he’s either forgotten or ceased to care about how to make people laugh.” Peter Howell Toronto Star

If he’s not a comedian anymore, does he become an actor by default?

“I inflicted this movie on myself and now someone’s got to pay.” Andrew O’Hehir

It doesn’t count as taking a bullet for the team, if you felt like jumping in front of a gun.

“The positives have an edge over the negatives, but it probably doesn’t matter either way. It is an Adam Sandler movie. It is a romantic comedy opening Valentine’s Day weekend. It is going to be huge.” Pam Grady Boxoffice Magazine

Voodoo dolls would be huge if they made people feel better

“You may root for Sandler and Aniston to just ‘go with it’, but only so you can be done with it” Stella Papamichael Digital Spy

If it’s a hit, “Just Be Done With It” could be the name of the inferior sequel.  Then again, it sounds more like the end of a trilogy.  The sequel, could be “Keep With It” or “Still Milking It.”

“The people in this movie are dumber than a box of Tinkertoys.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

The star-crossed protagonists of our next film really are as smart as a box of Tinkertoys: Gnomeo and Juliet (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“What a dud of a story! You know what it needs to dress it up? Garden gnomes.” Movieline Stephanie Zacharek

If this starts a trend, please consider: The Knick Knack Merchant of Venice, The Taming Of the Yard Flamingo, and Much Ado About Lawn Ornaments.

“Totally crackers but it gets powered by pure invention and eccentricity alone.” Empire David Hughes

A purely eccentric invention

“Gnomeo & Juliet is Romeo & Juliet…but with gnomes? That’s TERRIBLE. It’s like doing Moth-ello, a kids’ film about a Moorish general who hatches from a cocoon, flies towards lightbulbs and eats jerseys.” Robbie Collin News of the World

As long as we’re tossing out alternates, how about Otter-thello or Duckbeth?  I would pay to see King Deer: three does clash over their father’s kingdom, but the story ends tragically in roadkill.

“The movie’s overall lack of imagination is the real tragedy.” Time Out New York Nick Schager

If people laugh at the tragic failure, does that make it a comedy?

“If it’s not an unerringly faithful adaptation of Shakespeare’s play, it still manages enough wit and charm to come off.” Orlando Sentinel Roger Moore

Is it better to come off like a cheap set of lingerie or take off like The Eagle (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic)?

“The Eagle is full of action and fleet of foot-it’s a movie of smoky, lowering battlefields and trippy, space-bending flashbacks, pausing only for admiring location shots of Scotland’s wild, craggy vistas.” Village Voice J. Hoberman

That review was full of bombastic declarative expositions and trippy syntax-bending clauses.

“[I]f it looks like a loving ode to fascism sounds like a loving ode to fascism then, well, there’s really only one conclusion to draw.” Mark Dujsik Mark Reviews Movies

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it might be a duck-billed platypus.

“It’s a Channing Tatum movie. Asking for anything more than gruff posturing is like asking Sylvester Stallone to pull a Brando.”Alexis Loinaz Chicago Tribune

Oh internet, how I love that you have a response to every comment: Stallone as Brando

“‘The Eagle’s’ sweeping score and grand cinematography are reminders of that old saying: When in ancient Rome, do as Ridley Scott does.” Graham Killeen Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

And if you want to embrace mid-western values, do like they do in Cedar Rapids (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Though not as uproarious as “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” director Miguel Arteta’s consistently entertaining white-collar laffer could do for Helms what that film did for Steve Carell.”  Variety Peter Debruge

But Ed Helms is already on the Office.

“It helps that Reilly is the opposite of a slob-comic. With his hangdog melancholy, he makes even the nonstop cunnilingus allusions poignant-the product of emotional longing.” New York Magazine David Edelstein

The Oscars should recognize an actor who can make raunchy humor seem poignant

“This crude aping of every hack from Judd Apatow to the Farrelly brothers represents the worst of what is happening in film today…” Rex Reed New York Observer

Who are these crude apes who are tormenting Hollywood?

“The jokes sing as well as zing.” Manohla Dargis New York Times

I doubt anyone would sing a zing for this thing: After Ming’s fling with King Cling, something stings.  his ‘string that swings’ lies in a schwing sling.

“Ping-pongs between empathetic chuckles at Helms’s charming social awkwardness and putting him through a raunchfest ringer.” David Fear Time Out New York

If alliteration annoys, King Sheep apologizes