Slim pickings
We don’t have many options this week. The pickings are slim and the barrel is bottomed. If you live in a major metropolio-town you might have some chance of seeing all but one of the movies opening Friday. Movies like Katyn (94% positive) – the true story of the Soviet massacre of 15,000 polish soldiers; or Must Read After My Death (96%) a documentary made up of home movies chronicling a crumbling marriage will likely play in art houses, but not multiplexes. There is a chance that Tyler Perry’s Madea goes to Jail (currently unreviewed) will play in your town, but basically there is only one movie coming out and it looks angry.
This movie is not likely to appeal to many of you, in fact it is unlikely that anyone who reads this blog will pay 8 bucks to see a film about two male football players-turned-cheerleaders and their attempt to score with girls at cheerleader camp. Paying full price to see this movie on opening night makes as much sense as full-contact Yoga. It looks like a modern version of a Skinemax premise, complete with cruel PG-13 editing. However, as bad as it might be, it still deserves the same faux-impartiality as anything else. Since the premise sounds like a car crash waiting to happen, the reviews will mirror that event. We begin high on life, top-down/radio-on, and unaware our impending doom.
“As horny-teen comedies go, this one is surprisingly and consistently funny… A blend of manic energy and hyperarticulate wit, mixing intellect and wordplay with low comedy.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine
Mixing the high with the low sounds like a recipe for awesome. We’re cruisin’ now.
“The teensploitation premise is like something a porn filmmaker from the ’70s might have come up with. But Fired Up! has one added quirk: The script, credited to Freedom Jones, is a riot of tongue-twisting ironic sleaze.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly
Ironic sleaze rules! Wow, driving is so easy, we hardly need to pay attention at all.
Hunks don't need haircuts
“It may be as dumb as you’d expect from this team, but Fired Up is still the best ‘dumb cheerleader’ comedy since Bring It On.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel
Hear that? It’s the best bad movie since the last one. Whoa, the brakes feel a little light now.
“The problem with Fired Up is that it doesn’t follow a simple rule of the genre: If you’re going to make a raunchy teen sex comedy, go all the way.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic
All the way! Woooooo! Hey, we can’t seem to slow down and we’re heading downhill.
“How this idea escaped its logical fate as a direct-to-DVD Bring It On 6: It’s the Boys’ Turn! is anyone’s guess.” Geoff Berkshire Metromix.com
Good point. Uh, brakey no worky. Helpy?
“The film’s misogyny is countered only by its homophobia — its male gay characters are mincing idiots, while the women could have walked out of a you-wish Playboy spread.” Loey Lockerby Kansas City Star
Would Toni the Tiger be proud?
Misogyny and homophobia? Those are two things that are not going to help us slow down.
“If this movie were a teenager, you’d put it on Ritalin right away.” Lou Lumenick New York Post
Does Ritalin speed you up or slow you down, because we could sure use the latter.
“Oh, is this movie bad.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times
What was that? Oh no!
“This is a film so scuzzy and creepy in tone that you keep getting the sense that if there was any possible that it could slip a roofie into your soda while you weren’t looking, it would.” Peter Sobczynski eFilmCritic.com
CRASH!!!
School spirit can be expressed as fear right?
Enjoy doing something other than watching this movie this weekend.
PDJ