King Sheep Productions

Nice work Snow! Most Disney princesses couldn’t school a piranha in a swimming pool, on a basketball court, or in a classroom filled with honor student piranha. Based on previous princess priorities, most would prefer to worry about the ‘will they/won’t they?’ of Snow White And The Huntsman (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A strong visual style tussles with flaccid storytelling in this ambitious retelling of Grimm. It won’t exactly have Walt Disney spinning in his secret ice chamber, but you may wish they spent more time worrying about what exactly the film is than who it’s for.” Empire Dan Jolin

We know the intended audience is not Walt Disney’s frozen head.

“Astonishingly beautiful and breathtaking in its brutal imagery, Snow White & the Huntsman is thrilling and frightening in equal measure, yet as bereft of satisfying substance as a poisoned apple.” Christy Lemire Associated Press

Beautifully brutal, frighteningly thrilling, and as satisfying as a poisoned apple.  Grim indeed.

“We’re supposed to believe that Snow White commands the adoration of everyone she meets, but when poor Hemsworth lunges in for his emotional reveal, it’s as plausible as a man professing undying love for a tablespoon.” Sophie Monks Kaufman Little White Lies

“[It] all feels like serious, pay-attention-now, schoolroom stuff – Shakespeare without the poetry, “Braveheart” without the performances.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger

Something historically awesome without the awesome parts – like Titanic without romance, Goodfellas without gangsters, or Patton without yelling.

”Never quite delivers on its promise — a dark retelling of the fairy tale in which women hold the true power, good and evil — but it certainly is an attractive misfire.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

An ‘attractive misfire’ sounds like a fantasy euphemism, such as holding a shield of jello or firing rubber arrows. Then again, perhaps this joke belongs in High School (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Yes, the drugs-can-be-fun message is somewhat questionable, but sharp writing and a thoroughly engaging cast makes it great fun to watch.” Rich Cline Shadows on the Wall

If drugs weren’t fun, people wouldn’t do them. A better message is knowing when to Just Say Woah.

“Filmmakers must have been tripping pretty badly when they made High School, a flub that’s about as lucid as a stoner at a spelling bee.” USA Today Scott Bowles

Would spelling be easier while sotally tober?

“‘High School’ is a pun. Get it? This is one of those stoner comedies that may be funny if you’re high – but if not, not.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

“Dear Adrien Brody: Playing a crazy drug dealer is not as funny as being an Oscar-winner who shows up in a commercial for razor blades.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

Dear critic: Topical reviews that aim to be current have the same shelf life as jokes about celebrities in commercials.

“This is mostly all reefer, no madness.” Time Out New York Keith Uhlich

And if you prefer just madness, take a dip with Piranha 3DD (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Who’d have thought that a movie entitled Piranha 3DD could be so bereft of titillation?” Ben Rawson-Jones Digital Spy

Answer: Optimistic puritans.

“As one character notes, “there’s something in the water” all right, and apparently it’s making movies (and audiences) progressively more stupid.” Bruce Demara Toronto Star

Someone put stupid in the water! Quick, get your water wings.

“‘Welcome to rock bottom!’ sighs Hasselhoff at one stage, pretty much summing up this textbook exercise in sloppy seconds. Here’s hoping the piranhas have a better agent than he does.” Total Film Neil Smith

“Not scary, not funny, not clever, “Piranha 3DD” is just a waste of time.” Brian Tallerico HollywoodChicago.com

In the interest of not wasting any more of yours, let’s wrap-up this roundup.

“Just remember: it’s called Piranha 3DD.” Staci Layne Wilson Horror.com