We don’t know why the last mom alive is miserable. Is it because she’s broken or the last? That’s the half empty. The half full evokes a survivalist bad-ass who withstood death only to join Les Miserables (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“After 2½ hours, the movie’s become a bowl of trail mix – you’re picking out the nuts you don’t like and hoping the next bite doesn’t contain any craisins. All the carefully crafted misérables turns into a pile of miz.” Boston Globe Wesley Morris

If the movie is trail mix, Wolverine is the sharp almond, Catwoman is a curvy cashew, and the Gladitor is a peanut.

“For better or worse, though, this adaptation of the mega-hit Broadway musical fits neither description, largely because it lives in that kinda-sorta, okay-not-great, this-worked-that-didn’t in-between for which words like “better” and “worse” fall woefully short.” Washington Post Ann Hornaday

For-better-or-worse, okay-not-great, and kinda-sorta in-between? One more filler comment would be as welcome as a fart on an airplane.

“By the end, you feel like a piñata: in pieces, the victim of prolonged assault by killer pipes.” The Guardian Catherine Shoard

Soon-to-be-killed pipes

“The tasteless bombardment that is Les Misérables would, under most circumstances, send audiences screaming from the theater, but the film is going to be a monster hit and award winner, and not entirely unjustly.” New York Magazine (Vulture) David Edelstein

Is it unjust for a tasteless practically-unwatchable film to become an award-winning blockbuster?

“When Les Misérables is good, it is very, very good, and when it is bad, it’s usually because Russell Crowe has opened his mouth.” Austin Chronicle Kimberley Jones

Crowe can destroy things just by talking?! That’s super villain crap. Quick, evacuate the set before we’re left in a Broken City (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic)!

”’Broken City’? More like ‘Broken Movie.’” Randy Cordova Arizona Republic

Old joke? More like gold joke.

“The movie’s curious capacity for self-erasure makes it a tough one to write about; less than 24 hours later, I recall it with all the clarity of something I half-watched on a plane with a hangover in 1996.” Slate Dana Stevens

No full-price film should be less memorable than a free movie you barely watched.

“It’s too bad to see top talent slumming in an underwritten, under-thought, under-whelming piece of multiplex fodder.” Nell Minow Beliefnet


”The actors look generally unhappy to be here, most of all Crowe, who seems even more miserable than he did in Les Misérables.” Scott Foundas Village Voice

Despite being the most miserable person in a movie called “The Miserables,” Crowe found a way to be more miserable in this movie.

“Another January dud. Broken City drops hot-shot actors in a quicksand of clichés and watches them sink.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

Celebrities in quick sand! How long till they call for their Mama (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic)?

“Trading in her red locks for kohl-lined eyes like a raccoon and the vampire look of Rooney Mara in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, [Chastain] is the spookiest thing in Mama. Everything else is cable television.” New York Observer Rex Reed

Oscar-winning half-raccoon vampires do sound scary.

“An effectively spooky ghost story with Guillermo del Toro’s imprimatur (he’s executive producer), Mama is every adoptive parent’s nightmare: What if the children you bring home start eating moths and toilet paper, and won’t come out from under the bed? And when they do, it’s only to do something hurtful?” Philadelphia Inquirer Steven Rea

Answer: Only stock single ply, teach them to cook with a magnifying glass, and hope they outgrow it.

“Two-thirds of the way through Mama a psychiatrist hypnotizing a little girl asks her if she’s asleep. Yes, she says. In fact, by then, so is the audience.” Gary Wolcott Tri-City Herald

Monster over-sleeping

“Nothing in the movie is quite original, yet Muschietti, expanding his original short, knows how to stage a rip-off with frightening verve.” Entertainment Weekly Emily Rome

A well-executed rip-off is still a rip-off. Eventually audiences might make The Last Stand (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Almost certainly, The Last Stand will not be Schwarzenegger’s last. For better or for worse (and this is somewhere right in the middle), he is back.” Philadelphia Inquirer Steven Rea

Dyn-O-Mite! The catchphrase is back! I Pity the Fool who can’t Git-R-Done! Bazinga! There can be only one! D’oh!

“’The Last Stand,’ Arnold Schwarzenegger’s first star vehicle in more than a decade, is not a sci-fi film, though it does travel back in time.” Rafer Guzman Newsday

Plot twist!

“The script is a mess, built on lazy clichés, stilted jokes and easy payoffs. What the movie does have, though, is enthusiasm.” New York Daily News Elizabeth Weitzman

Enthusiasm? Coming right up!

“I totally recall better Arnold Schwarzenegger movies than this, but I wouldn’t say we got a raw deal either.” William Bibbiani CraveOnline

In his prime,Arnold was hotter than Red Heat and destined to be Hollywood’s Last Action Hero. He upgraded Conan the Barbarian to Conan the Destroyer, went Commando with Red Sonja, and embodied The Terminator by killing another Terminator 2 (however by self-terminating, the final kill count was Sarah Conner: 1, Terminator: 3).

Studios used to Jingle All The Way to the bank, but after Batman & Robin made The 6th Day feel like the End Of Days, it was almost The Last Stand for the Kindergarten Cop, whose career looked like Collateral Damage.

So he began telling True Lies as The Running (for office) Man and fathered a new Junior by being a housekeeper Predator (luckily it wasn’t Twins). Meanwhile, The Expendables lead to The Expendables 2 and audiences remembered Arnie as someone other than The Villain. As long as Hollywood can Total Recall past successes and use an Eraser on any Raw Deal publicity, ol’ Arnie will remain as welcome as Hercules In New York.

“A legendary star back on his game. Clever humor. Hellacious setpieces. The smarts to not take things too seriously. When it comes to what you need for a clever, entertaining live-action “Looney Tunes” episode, ble, ble, ble, that’s all, folks.” Nick Rogers Suite101.com

King Sheep thinks folks want more