I can only guess at the spices that might be grown in witch country.  Eyes of newt and fairy tears are fine for stories, but if you were a chef with magical powers over the elements, you could make exciting spice hybrids like garlic-laced rosemary or saffron ginger, or if you’re a grim witch, you could use fairy eyes or newt tears.  The point is, witches are powerful beings and their magical arts could reshape the culinary arts.  As soon as a food critic tastes cinnamon curry or mint mustard, the covers of food magazines might proclaim this to be The Season Of The Witch (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Audiences considering “Season of the Witch” should heed the timeless advice of its ancestor “Holy Grail” — run away!” Kyle Smith New York Post

Also in the spirit of its ancestor, let’s assume that cutting review was just a flesh wound.

“Mr. Cage’s knight ends up playing second banana to a digital devil. Welcome to the January dead zone.” Wall Street Journal Joe Morgenstern

January dead zone = the season of which movie sucks worse.

“Season of the Witch is as bloodless as a starved vampire. Instead of a review, it deserves a stake in the heart.“ Peter Travers Rolling Stone

Given your opponent, there are other weapons to consider

“A 14th-century road movie with 21st-century cuss words.” Jeannette Catsoulis New York Times

That’s only because there is a law of diminishing returns with aging insults.  If someone called you a flap-mouthed foot-licker, motley-minded malt-worm, or onion-eyed hugger-mugger, you’re more likely to be confused than offended.

“The first reveal of Nicolas Cage sporting a blond wig with ringlets that makes him look like a Shirley Temple drag queen impersonator after a post-medieval-party-themed blackout is the sort of fright probably not intended by its makers.“ Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com

That sounds like a strong first impression, but is it Country Strong (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic)?

“’Country Strong’ is a little like modern country music – odd moments of sincerity, heart and authenticity peek through the plastic, the hype and the manufactured hokum.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Since hokum is a low form of comedy nonsense, I’m not sure if it gets better or worse with manufacturing.

“A movie that isn’t smart enough to realize how stupid it really is.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger

Should the reviewer’s last name help me realize how smart he is?

“The many tunes in Country Strong are of such astounding banality, it’s as if they were written by caged chimps as they were driven through Nashville on the way to a medical research lab.” Peter Howell Toronto Star

Next time, hire an authentic monkey cowboy to write your country songs

“This country music drama boasts solid performances and a few catchy songs, but its ending might have you singing the blues.“ Thomas Leupp Hollywood.com

I respect the wordplay, but it also implies the country songs are so catchy, I’ll switch to the blues after hearing them.  And given the quality of this week’s movies, we’re probably better off with other forms media anyhow.

“[Director] Feste could do with less cowbell.” Rex Roberts Film Journal International

King Sheep wonders if there are other fever prescriptions