I just walked out of my first D-Box movie and my fillings are still shaking. If you haven’t heard of D-Box, think of it as having the sensations of a fixed-seat ride (like Star Tours) while watching a blockbuster film, or expressed more simply, it’s a seat that shakes. There are a few notable benefits – the D-Box chairs are usually placed in the center of the theater and they offer additional leg room. Plus, you get what you pay for, in that the D-box rumbles under your derriere whenever something exciting happens. Since I was watching Iron Man 3, there were several opportunities for shaking and rumbling.

D-Box wants to add another sensory experience for moviegoers. It wants to be a step away from a coin-operated plastic rocket and a step towards Huxley’s Feelies. This technology isn’t new, but this is a novel use for it. However, based on what I saw, and more particularly felt for the last 2 ½ hours, it is in need of serious revision.

It is now 45 minutes after the movie ends and my ass finally feels normal. It’s like standing up after a long bus ride on an uncomfortable seat. Between my neck and butt, there is a phantom buzz like a missing smart phone. It’s a tingle. It’s a mild numbness. It’s a shame it cost me $8 bucks to learn that D-Box doesn’t work.

To be fair, there were a few times during the film where I forgot that I was sitting on a one-person Shake-Weight. When Iron Man crashes through a bunch of trees, each impact jostled me around as if I were part of the action. The much-previewed falling passenger scene was enthralling and I felt a level of excitement that might be credited to the D-Box experience. This was one of the few scenes where I forgot about the shaking and got lost in the moment.

For extra price, it should add something extra to the experience. With the D-Box, rarely was my viewing enhanced in any positive manner. Instead, I was distracted by constant gyrating as mundane moments in the film (a car speeding away, aerial context shots, a tense verbal exchange) were interrupted by shakes, tilts, and rumbles.

To give you an example, there is a scene where Tony Stark delivers a few choice lines to reporters, hops into his sports car, and speeds away. With the D-Box, I was tilted backwards and felt the rumble of the engine in my lower spine. I felt the car move, but I saw it drive away. D-Box can’t vary its approach enough to ‘put you in the movie.’ The tilt and shake as Tony driving feels the same as Iron Man getting punched. For the most part, the technology distracts you from the action because it insists on reminding you it’s there.

D-Box is not a bad idea. There is an arcade thrill to feeling more than the chill of air conditioning or the thumping of bass. Perhaps one day this idea will deliver on the promise of improving the movie-going experience, rather than being an ineffective and over-priced massage for half my body. But for now:

King Sheep says the D stands for don’t bother.