Ye Old Roundup: More than meets the ocular nerves
Originally presented: 10-4-07
God damn, a Transformers movie. If you told me when I was a kid that they would pull off a live action movie one day (that didn’t involve animation or stop motion), my head might have melted out of uninhibited geek joy. Whether you collected every toy or just wished your Go-Bots were cooler, there is no question that Transformers was the ‘it’ toy for a generation of kids. Now it’s a movie, which is somewhat harder to play with and a tad more expensive. For my money, all I really want out this flick are some good booms, a few laughs, and at least a taste of what made these toys so cool back then. Let’s see how it did:
“If it’s true that there’s an 8-year-old boy inside every man, Transformers is just the ticket to bring the kid out.” Todd McCarthy Variety
Sweeet! But is it sloppy mainstream or made for us ‘geeks?’
“Transformers isn’t just dorky, it’s gloriously dorky.” Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com
Great! It sounds better than sex.
“Better than sex.” Fred Topel Can Magazine
Crazy! But it’s a Michael Bay movie. Doesn’t that mean it is required to suck a little?
“Transformers is probably the Rosetta Stone of Bay’s career. All of his favorite elements are here: military fetishism, vehicular fetishism, hot chick fetishism, explosion fetishism, sweaty machismo and a brutal disregard for an interesting story.” Devin Faraci CHUD
“It’s a sickening force-feeding commercial frenzy to sell cars, toys and war in the same breath that it pawns itself off as “cinema.” This is not cinema. This is acid kool-aid for children. Don’t drink it.” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com
Okay, maybe it sucks a lot.
“Has Hell actually frozen over? Are pigs now taking to the sky? I only ask because Michael Bay has achieved the unthinkable: he’s directed a crushingly entertaining movie.” Brian Orndorf eFilmCritic.com
“This film is soulless and heartless but at the same time it’s a lot of fun and contains a lot of “wow!” moments. I feel dirty for liking this movie so much. Michael Bay is a mad genius.” Michelle Alexandria Eclipse Magazine
Or maybe it sucks a little. You know, whatever. A soulless, heartless, commercial acid Kool-aid fetish movie? That’s pretty close to what I asked for.
PDJ