Leftovers

by on December 1, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

This week’s roundup options come together like an overloaded plate of leftovers after the ride home from Grandma’s in the trunk. Our roundup title could have been The Life Saga Of Twilight Guardians Killing Red Playbooks or something equally nonsensical, but since we’re covering multiple movies, let’s try to avoid Killing Them Softly (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Dominik’s film is bleak but nonetheless perceptive and arresting. Crime still pays, just not like it used to.” Craig Mathieson The Sunday Age

Does crime pay more because you don’t pay taxes?

“Grimly amusing then shockingly brutal.” David Edelstein New York Magazine

Translation: You’ll laugh till you’re out of breath, then realize it’s because you were punched in the stomach.

“The movie isn’t political so much as philosophical, trashing the notion of the American dream as anything more than fodder for an endless rat race.” indieWIRE Eric Kohn

Rat racer

“Nobody dies softly here; they’re mutilated, splattered in blood and vomit, set up by people who’ll get theirs soon.” Tampa Bay Times Steve Persall

Perhaps a better title would have been Killing Them Harshly, however too much unmitigated violence might lead to the Rise Of The Guardians (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Yes, Virginia, there is not only a Santa Claus, but a Tooth Fairy, a Jack Frost, an Easter Bunny, and a Sandman, too!” Kam Williams AALBC.com

Yes, Everywhere Else, that statement was probably for you too.

“’Rise of the Guardians’ is an effervescent dose of fantasia that’s pretty hard to dislike. Unless, of course, you’re a cynical grump.” Derek Adams Time Ou

The perfect Xmas gift for a Scrooge McGrinch.

“It’s perfectly pleasant, just not charming or funny enough for a classic Christmas film.” Roz Laws Birmingham Post

Through the power of editing (and ellipsis), a poster version of that review would be: “It’s perfectly pleasant…a classic Christmas film.”

“Like most children’s movies, Rise of the Guardians mimics the patterns of adult entertainment. Where is the magic in that?” Mary F. Pols TIME Magazine

Right, children’s movies should only mimic other family movies. Or 80’s cold-war action films like Red Dawn (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Red Dawn is like the cinematic equivalent of burping and having some barf emerge at the back of your throat. You’ll want to strap yourself into one of the vehicles with a car bomb attached to it just to get out of finishing the stupid thing.” Chris Sawin Examiner.com

Rather than making cold war propaganda into entertainment, this film makes audiences into suicide bombers?

“MGM looked at the original formula and decided that if it was going to upgrade just one ingredient, it would be the quality of the explosions.” Nell Minow Beliefnet

Feliz Navi-dead

“Take that, screaming North Koreans with no agenda!” Lisa Schwarzbaum Entertainment Weekly

In the original, Communist Russia invaded America and China allied with the USA. In the remake, Communist China (Population 1,344,130,000) invaded America. However, after the remake was done, the studio decided to change the villain. Hence, the agenda-less North Koreans (Population: 24,451,285) invasion of mainland America (Population 311,591,917).

“The back story of the making and release of Red Dawn is more interesting than the movie.” Gary Wolcott Tri-City Herald

Even when the story of the story is better than the story, there has to be a story for the comparison. Otherwise, we couldn’t ask 3.14159 about the Life Of Pi (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A movie that can’t be dismissed because there is too much in it but can’t be embraced because it’s all spread too thin.” Mick LaSalle San Francisco Chronicle

Too much a good thing means too little restraint.

“The movie’s energy peters out in a series of book-club conversations about divine will, the power of storytelling, and the resilience of the human spirit.” Dana Stevens Slate

Book clubbed

“Lee uses 3D with the delicacy and lyricism of a poet. You don’t just watch this movie, you live it.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

For the first time, poetic 3D.

“It proves the power of a good story, both to entertain us and to allow us to process unpleasant truths.” Portland Oregonian Marc Mohan

Unpleasant truths are best delivered by poets and comedians.

“I felt like I’d been invited to a seven-course dinner, and all seven turned out to be cake – and then the host insisted on delivering a lecture about how cake would bring me closer to God.” Salon.com Andrew O’Hehir

If eating a seven-course meal of cake puts you in a diabetic coma where you meet God, it could count as good news or bad depending on which chapter you read in the Silver Linings Playbook (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“When films are good, actors and directors get a lot of the credit that should go to the screenwriters. In the case of Silver Linings Playbook, which is one of the best films of the year, there is a popcorn bowl of glory to go around.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

If One doesn’t already own a popcorn bowl of glory, where would One find one?

“One hundred percent predictable, yet strangely kind of fun.” Kelly Vance East Bay Express

Predictably funny

“Love is not perfect, but it beats the next best thing.” Robert Denerstein Movie Habit

Depending on who you ask, the ‘next best thing’ could be lust, friendship, Christmas, video games, booze, coffee, Apple products, or chocolate.

“Sharp of tongue, generous of spirit, Silver Linings Playbook is a jagged, loopy romantic comedy about “crazy” people that insists, deep down, we’re all a little nuts.” Chris Vognar Dallas Morning News

And if you prefer sharp-teethed immortal nut jobs, consider watching The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The franchise… concludes with a genuinely stirring ending. … But [Stewart’s] acting hasn’t improved, and the dialogue remains laughable. Bad actress, bad lines. Bad combination.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

That’d be bad news if people saw these movies for the acting or dialogue.

“Not nearly enough shots of Taylor’s abs.” Bob Grimm Reno News and Review

Even the men agree, this film would be improved by adding a six-pack.

“The big payoff to the Twilight saga is a solidly mounted, carefully directed exercise in franchise box-ticking… Even the decapitations are done tastefully.” Jim Schembri 3AW

Tasty decapitation

“Bye Bye Bella: Farewell Edward.” Robert Denerstein Movie Habit

So long Stephenie Meyer, toodle-oo Taylor Lautner.

“Boasts one moment, perhaps three or four seconds in length, so delightfully intense and uncharacteristically juicy that the rest of the film – most of the rest of the whole series, in fact – looks pretty pale by comparison. Not vampire pale. Paler.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

King Sheep is so pale he’s bucket

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Lincoln Skyfall Called Comedy

by on November 9, 2012 at 11:37 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

If American comedy features its greatest Presidents falling from the sky, perhaps we don’t deserve leaders like Lincoln (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The phenomenal Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln with immersive, indelible power in Spielberg’s brilliant, brawling epic.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

Phenomenal, brilliant, brawling, immersive, and indelible. At some point, the term ‘epic’ should refer to the number of compliments packed into one sentence.

“Without question, the greatest film ever made about the American legislative process.” Stephen Silver EntertainmentTell

If we have questions, do we have to follow Robert’s rules of parliamentary procedure?

“It’s pretty incredible that Steven Spielberg got the real Abraham Lincoln to play himself.” Matt Pais RedEye

Academy award winner – best zombie

“The motivating force of Lincoln belongs to its leading man, whose screen presence is a wonder to behold even when he says nothing.” Eric Kohn indieWIRE

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than speak out and remove all doubt.” Abraham Lincoln

“This is Day-Lewis’ movie, and he does with the meditative inner stillness of his character a wonderful thing – he finds a type of heroism that runs counter to all of the usual showy movie signifiers of such a quality.” Movieline Alison Willmore

And if you prefer the showy type of heroism, Bond returns in Skyfall (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Bond. James Bond is back.” Matthew Razak Examiner.com

News. Good news.

“This is Bond like you’ve never seen him and a dynamite Daniel Craig, never better in the role, nails Bond’s ferocity and feeling. Skyfall is smashing, just smashing.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

Smashing

“With spectacular action sequences, a rock-solid star and a ration of cheese that’s good English cheddar, “Skyfall” is a gift from above.” Joe Williams St. Louis Post-Dispatch

It’s cheese from God?

“So what do contemporary cinema audiences really want from 007? Is it The Bond Identity or The Dark Bond Rises?” Brian Henry Martin UTV

The Empire Strikes Bond

“Skyfall can take its place alongside From Russia with Love, Goldfinger, and On Her Majesty’s Secret Service as the best Bond can offer.” James Berardinelli eelViews

Sorry Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and Pierce Brosnan, Bond can do better.

“Skyfall is as satisfying as a great martini.” Mark Sells The Reel Deal

Teenagers and tee-totalers beware, this film has the seductive power of a classic cocktail. Have too many and Nature Calls (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Any true emotions are snuffed out by over-the-top shock humor that, though constantly ratcheted up, is only done so to conceal the film’s tonal inconsistencies and unease when it comes to big questions.” Kate Erbland Film School Rejects

Nothing to say and struggling to say it.

“After a lot of wandering around, we realize we’ve really just been walking in circles the whole time.” Elizabeth Weitzman New York Daily News

If the film walks around long enough, the title becomes accurate.

“A low-watt, low-wit comedy.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Low blow

“There’s nothing wrong with slack misanthropy, but as piss-takes go, Nature Calls offers a pretty thin stream.” Eric Hynes Time Out New York

When piss jokes fail = Golden Sours.

“Writer-director Todd Rohal fills muddled scenes with manic amounts of jokes that all manage to land with a thud.” Slant Magazine Thomas Hachard

Landing jokes without thuds or duds is tough when writing The Comedy (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“For a catalog of aggressively stupid, socially deviant male behavior, Rick Alverson’s cheekily titled The Comedy is not without a certain subversive intelligence.” Variety Justin Chang

Subversive intelligence – a.k.a. undercover understanding, covert cleverness, IQ on the QT, or ninja wit.

“Its audience may be self-selective in the extreme, but few films have better articulated the limits of irony as a force field against the world.” Scott Tobias AV Club

When the irony force field fails

“a challenging film that may ultimately be bulls***, [but] deserves tremendous respect for its clarity of vision.” Jordan Hoffman IFC.com

Bulls*** Challenge: Other than ‘eye’ or ‘hit’ name another option for the censor stars.

“An unconventional, unapologetic comedy that’s unbelievably entertaining.” Chase Whale We Got This Covered

King Sheep is unsure if any unusual utterances are unclear

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This Must Be The Iron Fist Wreck-It Flight

by on November 2, 2012 at 1:37 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

It must? Rather than face two-fisted flying destruction, let’s take Flight (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“A riveting character study, and a sometimes moving and sometimes amusingly amoral morality tale set in the vodka-and-coke friendly skies.” Roger Moore McClatchy-Tribune News Service

People prefer to fly the highly-trained and recently-passed-drug-test skies.

“A mostly gripping character study of a man who’s half hero and half villain [that] gives you the opportunity to enjoy watching Washington again at the top of his game.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

A heroic hooligan

“The film tackles serious issues of addiction, legal intrigue and personal responsibility, with Denzel Washington in top form as a heroic yet morally compromised protagonist.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

Doing a roundup of Denzel’s Unstoppable filmography could give someone a Heart Condition. Whether he plays Antwone Fisher, John Q or Malcolm X, he makes The Great Debaters look like it’s their Training Day. His acting Power could make you believe The Book of Eli is about The Mighty Quinn, an Inside Man with The Manchurian Candidate, who took a Ricochet from an American Gangster in a Philadelphia Safe House during The Taking of Pelham 123. Facing a Crimson Tide, he shows Courage Under Fire, but after The Siege came The Pelican Brief, which felt like The Hurricane to The Bone Collector, who had Fallen for The Preacher’s Wife, a Devil in a Blue Dress, who was enjoying a Mississippi Masala and singing Mo’ Better Blues. Just as a Man on Fire is a man Out Of Time and Déjà vu feels like a Carbon Copy, Denzel’s Glory and Virtuosity might be Much Ado About Nothing, but when Hollywood chooses to Remember the Titans, Denzel’s name will be heard. After all, He Got Game.

“Zemeckis shows he still has a vivid visual sensibility and a finger on the zeitgeist. But the script by John Gatins leaves nothing up in the air and returns all the tray tables locked in their upright positions.” Marjorie Baumgarten Austin Chronicle

Should Denzel brace for Oscar landing?

“Not often does a movie character make such a harrowing personal journey that keeps us in deep sympathy all of the way.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

If deep sympathy intimidates, aim for shallow sympathy and tell yourself “This Must Be The Place (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).”

“It’s an intriguing patchwork of a picture, with all the direction of a wonky-wheeled suitcase.” Scotsman

Wonky-wheeled suitcases move in the same direction as all wheeled motorless contraptions, whichever way gravity and momentum dictates.

“This Must Be the Place is a bewildering piece of work, a picture that may have initially been guided by a sweet impulse but takes a sharp left turn into crazytown.” Stephanie Zacharek Movieline

Other acceptable synonyms for crazytown include: Bonkersburg, Mentalpolis, and Daftville.

“Determinedly quirky and cool, arresting and ultimately too baffling to be satisfying, although Penn is priceless. Cultdom beckons.” Angie Errigo Empire Magazine

Answering the call of cultdom

“It doesn’t really work but it’s very watchable all the same.” Derek Malcolm This is London

And if you’d rather watch someone work, make sure they have an interesting job like Wreck-it Ralph (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Built for fun…in its dazzlingly elaborate production design and kinetic 3D action…perfect casting…Who Framed Roger Rabbit-esque video-game-character cameos, and a cramming of clever comic touches…” Peter Canavese Groucho Reviews

Sometimes review summaries are equally kinetic….oddly phrased with the aid of ellipses…able to cram several ideas together…clinging to the idea that’s it’s one sentence.

“The imagery is amazing – and always witty. This is a Disney cartoon – but it’s got the imagination and brains of a Pixar feature.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

“Consider it a force in the Best Animated Film Oscar race.” Boxoffice Magazine Pete Hammond

Use the Force Walt

“I do not care one bit about video games. Even if I did, I suspect I wouldn’t be a fan of the loud and frenzied ‘Wreck-It Ralph.’” Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) St. Paul Pioneer Press

It’s nice when a critic recognizes their potential bias, then rejects it in favor of their original opinion.

“It was such a great time at the cinema; I was expecting to like it and I ended up falling in love.” Mark Ellis Schmoes Know

It’s nice when a critic recognizes their potential bias, then rejects it in favor of their original opinion. If you don’t like deja vu, consider challenging The Man With The Iron Fists (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The Man with the Iron Fists is a visually glorious mix of violent chop suey, Blaxploitation and spaghetti western conventions, played to a hip-hop beat as only RZA could do.” Matthew Pejkovic Matt’s Movie Reviews

We are witnessing the birth of a new genre, the western hip-hop chop suey pastaploitation. Say that five times fast, then give your mouth a day off.

“As endearing as it is exhausting, The Man With the Iron Fists bears strong resemblance to a hyperactive puppy: sloppy, scatterbrained, manic and migraine-inducing, but possessing an earnest sense of excitement.“ Andrew Barker Variety

Excitingly excitable

“It’s a real film, and a fun one, made with gonzo good humor and plenty of action from the opening brutal battle over which the sound of The Wu-Tang Clan’s 1993 single “Shame on a N***a” roars.” Boxoffice Magazine James Rocchi

When someone uses f***ing stars, do you hear the word or the censor’s bleep?

“The chop-socky wire-fu scenes are beautifully choreographed, but pretty crudely edited; despite its gourmet neo-grindhouse trappings, the film won’t bring the heat like you’ve never seen before.” Steve MacFarlane Slant Magazine

King Sheep expects you won’t be not disappointed

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Silent Fun Cloud

by on October 26, 2012 at 11:09 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Quiet clouds are delightful, loud clouds are scary, and dark clouds are dangerous, but if you’re researching muffled mist or speechless smog, you should consult a Cloud Atlas (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Its ideas are paralleled, its themes twinned, sometimes breathlessly, sometimes fatuously, into what may be described as a 164-minute pop song of seemingly infinite verses, choruses, and bridges. Perhaps expectedly, it soars as often as it thuds.” Slant Magazine Ed Gonzalez

If it soars like a roller coaster, hopefully it doesn’t thud like one.

“Men play women. Women play men. Blacks play whites. An Asian plays a freckled Victorian. Bad accents flourish. And Hugo Weaving, whether he’s a he, she, or ridiculous hoodoo leprechaun, is always the villain.” Jeff Meyers Metro Times (Detroit, MI)

Since most films struggle to emotionally engage audiences, offending everyone equally is commendable, regardless of whether they’re men, women, blacks, whites, or hoodoo leprechauns.

“You have to admire the imagination, philosophy, and courage behind Cloud Atlas, boldly going where few films dare to tread.” Mark Sells The Reel Deal

Admirable imagination

“Did you hear the one about the Zen master who walks up to a hot dog cart, scans the menu, and asks the vendor to “make me one with everything”?” Steven Rea Philadelphia Inquirer

If a Zen master instructs you to do the opposite of what they say, don’t.

“Destined to divide critics and play to empty Cineplexes, Cloud Atlas is a marvel.” Bill Gibron PopMatters

Critics will be conflicted, audiences will be absent, and the movie will be remembered as dreaming bigger than Fun Size (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Imagine eating as many fun-size candy bars as the price of a movie ticket would buy. Imagine how you would feel – and it would still be better than sitting through this movie.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

Less satisfying than a diabetic coma brought on by a chocolate overdose. Not a high bar.

“‘Fun Size’ presents the broiling hormones of youth at room temperature.” Kyle Smith New York Post

So the title isn’t a euphemism.

“There remains a huge market for a great Halloween teen comedy, but Fun Size is the disappointing apple that your crazy-haired neighbor gives you instead of candy. Feel free to dump this one in the bushes.” Jeff Labrecque Entertainment Weekly

First world problem: Getting a free apple and trashing it because it wasn’t free candy

“As John Hughes imitations go, this one’s pretty good.” Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) St. Paul Pioneer Press

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, how come no one dresses as John Hughes for Halloween?

“Imagine “Little Miss Sunshine’s” dark materials (and superior craftsmanship) diluted with a Hannah Montana-like sunny silliness – which is to say: sometimes funny, often broad-stroked, ever sweet, and landing shy of its potential.” Austin Chronicle Kimberley Jones

Does falling short of successfully supplying sweet sunny silliness have something to do with a Silent Hill Revelation (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?

“Set piece, set piece, exposition, set piece, boss fight, set piece, more exposition, boss fight, boss fight, open the door for another sequel, the end.” Rob Vaux Mania.com

Reductive summary, sentence fragment, long list, spoiler warning?

“Only true devotees of the game are likely to recognize many of the figures on the screen, or care about a byzantine story stitched together from innumerable horror and fantasy shows.” Peter Howell Toronto Star

Does stitching together parts of other movies count as an homage to Frankenstein?

“Hollywood, this isn’t good enough. Silent Hill deserves better. Audiences deserve better. Video games deserve better. And frankly, the film industry deserves better.” William Bibbiani CraveOnline

Deserves butter

“Stick with the games. At least in the games you can press “skip” when confronted with nine goofball dialogue scenes in a row.” Scott Weinberg FEARnet

King Sheep recommends skipping bad movies for free

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