The Spider Knight Age

by on July 23, 2012 at 7:13 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

Three franchises at various developmental stages fall under our macroscope this week, including a lumbering cash cow/mammoth, an excitable upstart/restart, and a grand finale (until the reboot). Together they would constitute a mini-milestone if they fell on the same weekend, but instead, this directionless hodgepodge is reminiscent of an Ice Age: Continental Drift (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“Watching this film was a cheerless exercise for me. The characters are manic and idiotic, the dialogue is rat-a-tat chatter, the action is entirely at the service of the 3-D, and the movie depends on bright colors, lots of noise and a few songs in between the whiplash moments.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

Watching the movie was a ‘cheerless exercise,’ but isn’t most exercise cheerless?

“If you are of an age to care enough about movies that you read movie reviews, you are not the film’s target audience.” Tim Brayton Antagony & Ecstasy

Uh oh.

“Something has surely gone wrong when there is not a single moment in Ice Age: Continental Drift that equals the four-minute “Simpsons” short that precedes it.” New York Daily News Elizabeth Weitzman

Go ahead, make her day-care

“Weighed down with daft new characters and an overstretched story, the prehistoric saga is looking a bit old. On the other hand, it still has Scrat –which is all any movie really needs…” Total Film Paul Bradshaw

Another sign of something gone wrong: a mute rat cameo gets the only laughs.

“Another franchise lives on without nearly enough public clamoring for its retirement.” Matt Pais  RedEye

Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes retiring a franchise frees it up to be rebooted, as evidenced by The Amazing Spider Man (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Even though the new film comes up short compared to Raimi’s work, it still hits the mark.” Jeffrey M. Anderson San Francisco Examiner

Can a movie both hit and miss the mark if it aimed at the bulls-eye?

“No, you don’t need it. You didn’t ask for it. But here it is. You could do worse this summer. Way worse.” Dave White Movies.com

Somebody asked for it. They got it. Here it is. It’s not bad, just unwanted. 

“Garfield does a witty impersonation of a teenager, complete with bad posture, mood swings and random over-application of sarcasm.” Margot Harrison Seven Days

Does it count as sarcasm if people don’t get it?

“I’ve saved the best for last: The love interest played by that throaty redheaded (here blonde) darling Emma Stone, whose blue eyes radiate so much intelligence that any actor on whom she trains them in adoration becomes an instant movie star.” New York Magazine (Vulture) David Edelstein

With hypno-eyes and a killer smile, Gwen Stacy could be the villain in the sequel.

“There’s nothing inherently wrong with The Amazing Spider-Man, but in the immortal words of Yogi Berra, it’s déjà vu all over again.” Leonard Maltin Leonard Maltin’s Picks

Yogi Berra also said “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken,” which is likely to be the case in terms of money and critical acclaim for whatever Bat-franchise follows The Dark Knight Rises (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“Spoiler alert: “The Dark Knight Rises” will earn a billion dollars, be the subject of more master’s theses than “Citizen Kane” and win the Academy Award for best picture.” Joe Williams St. Louis Post-Dispatch

Hype Alert!

“The Dark Knight Rises isn’t just a stunning piece of summer escapism, it’s an urgent — and ultimately cool — plea for personal responsibility in a world where liberty lies in chains.” Katherine Monk Vancouver Sun

Manifestos don’t need to be written down to be heard.

“Dark Knight channeled the nervous energy of a larger cultural movement. Rises swaggers as though it is the larger movement. Whether or not that’s a good thing depends on how highly you rank being a Batman fan among your life goals.” Eric Henderson WCCO.com

Bat-fan test: Who wins?

“It will be hard for any future version of Batman, or any superhero movie for that matter, to fully escape the shadow cast by these three films. All that’s left to do is stand and applaud.” Mathew DeKinder St. Louis Post-Dispatch

Stand, applaud, then see it again so it can earn a billion dollars.

“The “Dark Knight Rises” title applies equally to both hero and villain in this story. This is like a chess game where all the pieces are black.” Nell Minow Beliefnet

King Sheep wonders who moves first

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A round out

by on July 6, 2012 at 1:52 am
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

Hello all,

I suspect there are two kinds of readers for these roundups. There are those who read at their convenience, after they’ve seen a movie or heard they should, just to see whether reviews match their impression. The second group are thrill seekers who perceive the upcoming movies as a dangerous highway of entertainment options, like a traveling circus had a baby with Mad Max.

Insert caption here

In this second scenario, I operate a hypothetical stoplight, encouraging or discouraging (and occasionally couraging) people to invest their money in the Hollywood movie engine. Oh wait, there are also people who happen upon this site by mistake. Oh, and people who come to look at Nate’s artwork and scan content while waiting for images to load. And there are people who are stalking me. And critics who obsessively Google themselves.  So, please ignore my initial premise.  There are lots of potential reader stereotypes. Perhaps a better intro would have been: there are two types of bloggers in the world, those who obsessively sort by numbered lists and those who don’t.

All that preamble just to get to the fact that I’ll be on vacation for the next two weekends. The following crop of summer releases are left at your discretion:

The Amazing Spider-Man (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Savages (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Katy Perry: Part Of Me (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

The Pact (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

The Magic of Belle Isle (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Ice Age: Continental Drift (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Red Lights (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

King Sheep struggled to find a good roundup title and would have settled for: Magic Ice Lights Part Of Savage Man Pact

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People Like Ted Witness Magic Beast Waltz

by on June 29, 2012 at 2:11 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

Regardless of whether you’re a curious centaur, uncertain unicorn, or baffled basilisk, you’re in the right place. This is a magical beast blog. After all, you’re listening to a sheep. However, when it comes to the two-stepping teddy that talks, we’re better off asking Ted (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Most of Ted eludes description, analysis and explanation. You just have to hold onto your own certifiable sense of humor and let Mr. MacFarlane take you where he wants to go. Then get out of the way and enjoy it.” New York Observer Rex Reed

Laugh or get out of the way. Also known as playing chicken with comedy.

“Seth MacFarlane’s comedic modus operandi is to shock with outrageousness and pander with TV and movie citations via one non sequitur after another, a strategy that leads to a few laughs but nothing approaching lasting humor.” Slant Magazine Nick Schager

Lawn sequitur

“Ted is never stronger than when Wahlberg and MacFarlane’s Ted hang out, riff, and luxuriate in an easy friendship, but as it lurches to a conclusion, Ted unwisely devotes far too much of its time to a plot it would be better off ignoring.” The A.V. Club Nathan Rabin

Ah plots. When a movie doesn’t have one, critic’s get upset; when the plot gets in the way, it’s disposable. Perhaps it’s better to remember, when it comes to comedy, plots aren’t the priority.

“A furiously-paced comedy that goes where none has gone before.” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

But if you’d rather go where comedies spend an unusual amount of time, this week offers Madea’s Witness Protection (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  At this point, there might be more Madea movies than Bond films. No one is counting, except Tyler Perry, who’s counting money.  Rather than donning the fat suit again, I’d rather see him Take This Waltz (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Take This Waltz is an unusually kind film about infidelity — not because it sidesteps or shortchanges heartbreak, but because it doesn’t let any one of its characters bear the full burden of blame.” Movieline Alison Willmore

It’s lame to name names in the blame game.

“The film’s emotional truth and honesty allows us to forgive a great many flaws.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

Is the opposite of an emotional truth a physical lie?

“Ms. Polley, as a writer, a director of actors and a constructor of images, excels at managing the idiosyncrasies and contradictions of her characters so that our knowledge of them is both intimate and mined with potential surprise.” A.O. Scott New York Times

Exponential surprise

“Take This Waltz is full of chance encounters, some less likely than a lobby with nine hundred windows or a bed where the moon has been sweating.” Slant Magazine Ed Gonzalez

A make-believe hotel lobby with nine hundred windows and rooms full of moon juice should have a manager named Magic Mike (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A breezy, slyly noncholant romp through the world of male strip revue. The bold men of Mike leave it on the floor … and by ‘it’ I mean ‘your panties’.” Brian Juergens AfterElton.com

How did you know I was wearing panties? And why do I call them boxers?

“Tatum, Soderbergh and team appreciate the real reason audiences showed up, and the film provides just enough character and plot to validate the plentiful pecs and abundant buns that serve as its main attraction.” Peter Debruge Variety

Come for the meat, stay for a treat?

“I really enjoyed the movie. Solid cast, great performance by Tanning and Soderbergh’s style makes you feel at ease when you shouldn’t. If you have a problem watching a movie about male strippers, pretend they’re comedians, pretend they’re magicians.” Mark Ellis Schmoes Know

Pretend you look like them

“Females rejoice! Your Avengers is here!” Kristian Harloff Schmoes Know

Males! Be glad it’s not in 3D!

“Even when Magic Mike is skimpier than a g-string it soars on daring, as if Soderbergh asked himself who could possibly make a good movie from such offbeat material, answered “I can,” and did.” Tampa Bay Times Steve Persall

And if you can, and do, then you’re People Like Us (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Unlike some Nicholas Sparks weepie, at least this one waited until very late in its running time to go for the tear-duct jugular.” Teddy Durgin Screen It!

My tear duct has a jugular? I guess that explains the lump in my throat.

“Title withstanding, these people are nothing like us if, by “us,” we mean real people.” Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) St. Paul Pioneer Press

Since it’s a family drama, I figured “us” was “them.”

“‘People Like Us” may not be perfect, but Banks is perfectly imperfect.” Tom Long Detroit News

Perfectly correct

“As overcranked as it is — the film is directed as if it were an action drama, with two or three times more cuts than necessary — People Like Us has a persuasive emotional pull at its heart that’s hard to deny.” The Hollywood Reporter Todd McCarthy

It’s a dramaction movie?

“The pity is that the people in People Like Us ultimately don’t feel any more dimensional than the archetypes dutifully dotting his lowest-denominator multiplex fodder. He’s just picked a different set of clichés to ransack.” Time Out New York David Fear

Joining you in the ransacking are the Beasts Of The Southern Wild (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“This movie is a blast of sheer, improbable joy, a boisterous, thrilling action movie with a protagonist who can hold her own alongside Katniss Everdeen, Princess Merida and the other brave young heroines of 2012.” A.O. Scott New York Times

It’s been a good year for heroines with two battle-ready snow whites, two eagle-eyed archers, a bad ass black widow, and a cunning cat woman. And now…

“An extraordinary movie about a fearless six-year-old African-American girl who tutors us in the art of survival; one of the best movies of 2012.” Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat Spirituality and Practice

Woo hoo, a survivalist six-year-old!

“The movie is small, local, and idiosyncratic. Then again, it’s also a thing of beauty and originality – and for that, sustained huzzahs are in order.” Entertainment Weekly Lisa Schwarzbaum

Sustained huzzah = freeze-frame fist pump

“A visually-enchanting fantasy shot from the perspective of a naïve waif miraculously untainted by the 21st Century.” Kam Williams AALBC.com

King Sheep enjoys being tainted by the 21st Century

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Game of Metros

by on June 25, 2012 at 8:48 am
Posted In: Blog

When I ride the bus, sometimes I like to pretend I’m Sherlock Holmes.

I examine the people around me, looking for the little details that matter most. I do it all quickly, like we’ve just met and I need to deduce whether or not they stole the Prime Minister’s pocket watch.

What I’ve deduced is that there’s a regularly scheduled zombie apocalypse every weekday morning from 6-9am, and the buggers ride the metro. Blank-faced, plain-clothed, and un-living, they move in mindless herds, and I am among them.

I don’t want to attract the attention of the horde with any outlandish behavior, so I just lay low, and survive the daily apocalypse by pretending to already be a part of it.

Then I wonder how many of the herd are like me, blending in and moving in-step to avoid attention. So, this has become my new game: Spot the Faker. Can I, through the powers of observation, detect the bus passengers who are genuinely fun-loving people, but disguise themselves as the living dead long enough to survive their morning commute?

Oh, the games we play to amuse ourselves.

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Brave Vampire Seeks World Of Love

by on June 22, 2012 at 8:18 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

The major problem with vampire love is where they look. Personal ads are fine, but modern nosferatu prowl schoolyards. When the romantic age difference is between a high school senior and a senior citizen, it’s creepy. However, when you extend the relationship gap from barely legal to legally dead (i.e. for century-old vampires), some call it ‘romantic’ or ‘passionate.’ To combat the amazing success of vampire PR, let’s build a time-machine for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“There’s no getting around the fact that this is a straight-faced drama that feels like it should be a satirical comedy/adventure. And as Lincoln himself observed, a movie divided against itself cannot stand.” Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) St. Paul Pioneer Press

Yes, but Lincoln also said “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?” Which raises the question, do we want Axe-wielding Abe to ‘hug it out’ with the undead?

“Arrive two hours late for Bekmambetov’s overcooked noise generator and you’ll have a fantastic night.” Neil Smith Total Film

Note: the movie is 1 hour 45 minutes long, so being two hours late means arriving in time for the next showing.

“Where does it end? Franklin D. Roosevelt: Phone Sex Operator? Rosa Parks: Breakdance Champion? It’s much more fun to come up with these idiotic concepts than to watch them.” Matt Pais RedEye

Adolf Hitler: Gay Activist?

“A strange mash-up that doesn’t entirely work but offers enough entertainment value that it never feels like a complete waste of time either.” Edward Douglas ComingSoon.net

Good use of time

Questionable use of time      X

Complete waste of time

“The problem with movies based on a single joke is that a single joke is rarely funny enough to sustain the running time of a feature-length film. And with “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” the whole joke is in the title.” Barbara VanDenburgh Arizona Republic

Instead of a joke, what if the title explains the plot?  If so, it has something in common with Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“When Seeking took hold of me, completely and without warning, I was digging for tissues. It’s a lovely surprise for the official start of summer.” Mary F. Pols TIME Magazine

As a movie critic critic, I call BS on “the official start of summer” happening after the summer solstice.

“Mistaking friendship for true love represents an unfortunate, ultimately empty miscalculation, at the end of the world or early enough to choose more wisely.” Matt Pais RedEye

True love usually evolves into friendship. If the world is ending, why not skip a few steps?

“In our summertime-movie world of aliens and superheroes who look all too familiar, Dodge and Penny look all the rarer in their precious humanity.” Lisa Schwarzbaum Entertainment Weekly

Penny dodge

“Predictable, contrived, sappy and, ultimately, against all odds, remarkably fulfilling.” Marc Mohan Oregonian

Bad, bad, bad, and remarkably good?

“So clueless that its predictable ‘Seize the day! Follow your bliss!’ messages inadvertently make a case for its own irrelevance.” Geoff Berkshire HitFix

If you discover you are irrelevant, try to be Brave (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“It’s a lushly colorful and appealing tale, never quite sublime but always entertaining and often delightful.” Moira MacDonald Seattle Times

Unfair Question: Given the Scottish characters, landscape, and history, does the reviewer’s name indicate bias?

“Just misses living up to its name.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

Kind-of courageous, pretty plucky, but not exactly nervy. In a word, Brave-ish?

“This doesn’t quite hit the grand heights of recent Pixar creations and overdoes its Scottishness, but it’s beautifully crafted and packed with humour and heart.” Julian Wood FILMINK (Australia)

Packed with something other than humour

“We would expect this kind of overstuffed joyride from Dreamworks Animation or the folks at Fox or even Disney itself. But it’s terribly ordinary for Pixar, and ordinary is no longer enough.” Ty Burr Boston Globe

Translation: Ordinary is good enough for Fox, Dreamworks, or Disney, but not Pixar, whose version of ‘ordinary’ is better than everyone elses. Setting a standard for quality that is impossible to maintain, shall henceforth be known as the Pixar effect.

“Although Pixar purists may not approve, Brave is a wonderful family movie and still a great example of what Pixar does best – smart dialogue and amazing animation with lots of heart.” Clarissa Meffan MovieFIX

And if your heart takes you to Scotland, consider a detour To Rome With Love (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“It plays less like a movie Woody Allen truly needed to make and more like one he took on so he could get a little work in while vacationing in Rome.” Robert Levin amNewYork

A better title would have been To Rome With Woody.

“‘With age comes exhaustion,’ according to a rueful line late in the film, and it serves as a fitting diagnosis for Woody Allen’s latest fallen souffle set in a European cultural capital.” Bill Weber Slant Magazine

To answer a quote with a quote: “Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.” Don Marquis

“For better or worse, Woody Allen turns out a movie every year. Last year’s “Midnight in Paris” was better than better; that is to say, sublime. To Rome With Love is worse than worse, as inert as its predecessor was inspired.” Wall Street Journal Joe Morgenstern

Woody experiences the Pixar effect

“He’s still the same curmudgeon obsessed with mortality, and he doesn’t really have any zingers this time, but it works and it never hurts hurt the film. Only now he wears his pants too high. Pull your pants down, Woody.” Fred Topel Crave Online

King Sheep recalls people screaming for the opposite

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