Black Moon Man Kingdom

by on May 25, 2012 at 5:27 am
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

Everyone has their own definition for a Man Kingdom, but a black moon is a new moon. The sun highlights the half of the moon not facing earth resulting in black space where the moon used to be. If you are unfamiliar with interstellar activity, or prone to panic, seeing a hole in the sky might lead you to call (not one or two), but Men In Black III (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“This only mildly bloated and convoluted action comedy has enough inspired moments to wipe out memories of the abysmal 2002 first sequel as surely as one of the black-suited heroes’ neutralizer.” New York Post Lou Lumenick

The fictional technology within the film (i.e. a neutralizer) exists in the real world…as this movie?

“In a summer hardly starved of comic-book properties, this redundant extension of a series that ran out of gas a decade ago doesn’t need a neuralyzer to be forgettable.” Total Film Neil Smith

It’s already working!

“If this movie truly cost $375 million to produce and market (as the L.A. Times reported), the biggest chunk isn’t on the screen.” Tampa Bay Times Steve Persall

Big onscreen chunk

“Despite some good moments, Agents J, O and K are missing an E.” Empire William Thomas

Does the ‘E’ stand for ‘Emotion’ or did you notice the J.O.K.E.?

“It’s clear the filmmakers aren’t simply expecting to coast on audience goodwill…Men in Black 3 is at its best when it simply owns its own absurdity.”  Variety Andrew Barker

Wait, we can own absurdity? How do you measure something ridiculous? What’s a fair price for a single unit? A dollar? Texas? Half a cantaloupe with a tiny Martian lying naked where the other half should be? As long as were inventing currency replacements (and asking rhetorical questions) what’s the value of the Moonrise Kingdom (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?

“Fleet, funny, impeccably orchestrated: whimsical Wes returns on top of his game. Non-fans might call it over-familiar comfort cinema but with the craft so loving and new elements so well-integrated, his singular pitch remains a thing to cherish.” Total Film Kevin Harley

Even if The Royal Tenenbaums lived The Life Aquatic with The Fantastic Mr. Fox and fired a Bottle Rocket at Mount Rushmore from The Darjeling Limited, it wouldn’t be as amazing as the Moonrise Kingdom.

“Wes Anderson’s seventh feature is a delight from start to finish, thanks to a wonderful script, a typically fabulous soundtrack, achingly stylish direction, gorgeous production design work and terrific performances from a superb cast.” Matthew Turner ViewLondon

The only things missing from that praise list were marketing, title, and special effects.

“Even when that story drags, Moonrise Kingdom could be appreciated on mute.” indieWIRE Eric Kohn

“There’s a certain giddy airlessness to Moonrise Kingdom … And yet that cinematic hypoxia creates its own kind of high, if you can adjust to the altitude.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

This movie will get you high or give you altitude sickness.

“As funny, bittersweet and as distinct as you’d expect from Wes Anderson, a director who helps you know you are not alone.” Empire Nev Pierce

King Sheep is as alone as you are

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What To Expect When You’re The Battleship Dictator

by on May 18, 2012 at 12:52 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

Load the torpedoes and peel the potatoes! The only thing separating battleship generals from a battleship dictators are the tone of the orders. A general expects orders to be followed, whereas a dictator knows they’ll be followed…or else. Regardless, if you’re in a war, conflict, skirmish, mutiny, or coup, you shouldn’t be playing Battleship (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Battleship is a surprisingly faithful adaptation of its board game source material: occasionally entertaining yet soul-crushingly repetitive.” Matt Singer ScreenCrush

Sounds like an unintentional adaptation of Monopoly (i.e. where you spend a lot of time worrying about money only to realize it isn’t worth anything [i.e. like this movie])?

“I found myself reveling in the silliness of what is, essentially, the most expensive B-movie ever made.” Anders Wotzke Moviedex

So far.

“Battleship has the IQ of a rutabaga and doesn’t require much more intelligence than that to watch.” James Berardinelli ReelViews

Mega-rutabaga

“Missiles have the only sensible dialogue in this otherwise technically awesome picture.” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

Either the best lines are “WOOSH” and BANG” or this movie has talking missiles. Finger crossed for a wordy-rocket landing with “I’m gunna sink your battleship.”

“Miss.” Empire Nick de Semlyen

(i.e. the second mandatory joke)

“Besides being a blatantly obvious Transformers rip-off, Battleship is essentially explosion porn – a practically endless litany of stuff being blown up, with the destruction of Hong Kong thrown in for good measure.” CJ Johnson ABC Radio (Australia)

A similar missile salvo summary, would be a respectable rocket resume for The Dictator (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Cohen is an equal opportunity humorist. It feels like half the audience is unhappy half the time, while the other half is laughing uproariously half the time.” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

Being half-happy half the time sounds like bipolar-humor.

“Take away Cohen’s ability to trap idiots into making fools of themselves is like stripping Superman of his ability to soar.” Phil Villarreal OK! Magazine

Okay, but if we extend the metaphor, Superman still has invulnerability, x-ray vision, super speed, frost breath, eye beams, and nifty red boots. Isn’t Cohen still a comedian despite losing a tried-and-true bit?

“The easily offended will be appalled. The rarely offended may be appalled. But they’ll have to stop laughing long enough to realize it.” New York Daily News Elizabeth Weitzman

Shut up and laugh

“The Dictator is funny, in addition to being obscene, disgusting, scatological, vulgar, crude and so on.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

Luckily, none of those adjectives mean the movie is bad, just bad taste.

“Bottom line, I didn’t laugh as much as I wanted to.” Neil Rosen NY1-TV

That critic needed to consider What To Expect When You’re Expecting (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“For all the fear, loathing, and overthinking that Murkoff’s bedside text engenders, its journey ends with the hopeful beginning of a new life, whereas the movie leaves you hoping for a swift end to your own.” Village Voice Eric Hynes

What To Expect When You’re Expecting To Die?

“Ideally, four times the protagonists should yield four times the entertainment value; here it only seems to result in four times the clichés.” Matt Singer ScreenCrush

When it comes to The Birds And The Bees, unless you were Born Yesterday, Jump On The Bandwagon or Bite Your Tongue. In Other Words, The More The Merrier.

“In the realms of pregnancy comedy, What to Expect When You’re Expecting doesn’t find new laughs, just layers on attempts at the tried-and-true ones.” Movieline Alison Willmore

Nobody says it better than The Onion

“What to expect when you’re watching What to Expect When You’re Expecting? Not much.” Gary Wolcott Tri-City Herald

What am I expecting to expect?

“What to Expect When You’re Expecting is pretty much what you’d expect.“ Peter Howell Toronto Star

King Sheep experiences complex expectation effects

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American Girl Shadows God

by on May 11, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

Is there a more competitive and demanding internship than job shadowing God? I can’t imagine he/she would bother sending you to earth for coffee, because, you know, omnipotent. He/she wouldn’t need you to wash his/her car, pick up the dry cleaning, or answer the phone. In fact, interning for God might be terribly boring, with you stuck waiting in Dark Shadows (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Less a resurrection than a clumsy desecration.” Nick Pinkerton Village Voice

Less Easter Jesus, more Weekend At Bernie’s?

“Dark Shadows has some sporadic moments of fun but on the whole it’s an inferior recycled mash-up of Burton’s style and Depp’s quirky characters from their eight collaborations.” Blake Howard 2UE That Movie Show

As with most TV, after enough shows the creators are creatively obligated to do a greatest hits episode.

“There’s fun to be had here, but it’s buried under all the fun we’re supposed to be having.” Matthew Razak Flixist.com

Was more fun had: 1) reading the sign or 2) following the advice?

“Dark Shadows sinks its teeth half-way into its potentially meaty material but hesitates to go all the way.” Todd McCarthy Hollywood Reporter

It’s a vampire story that nibbles?

“This really is a reasonably, moderately, whelmingly good film.” The Guardian Peter Bradshaw

Some might say the same about the Republican Rom-nominee. Even though the Presidential candidates have clashing views on religious freedom, both would agree – God Bless America (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“Writer/director Bobcat Goldthwait has an ax to grind and, once he’s done grinding it, he uses it to split some skulls. God Bless America is many things – audacious, bitingly satirical, unafraid of venturing into uncomfortable territory – but it is never subtle.” James Berardinelli ReelViews

Fuck subtle.

“This movie’s idea of topical satire is to score points off of My Super Sweet 16 and legendary American Idol reject William Hung. Timely!” Alonso Duralde The Wrap

Blaming the film for being topical and not topical enough is totally fair. Sarcastic!

“An energetic fantasy that favors capital punishment for all of our society’s vulgarities.” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

Sometimes overkill is just enough kill

“When the monotonous squib-popping subsides, the movie is often static and talky, lapsing into criticism-hedging qualifications and anti-everything speechifying.” Nick Pinkerton Village Voice

Would you prefer pro-everything speechifying?

“Sometimes you get the feeling Goldthwait is just making a list of the people he could do without, which is funny and makes you nod your head but doesn’t add up to much.” Eric D. Snider Film.com

A personal hit list is acceptable as a movie (notsomuch as a Facebook post), but the decision-making that follows is consistent with a Girl In Progress (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“There’s little to complain about here, but there’s also little to cheer about. Benignly enjoyable during viewing, the production ultimately takes too few risks.” Annlee Ellingson Paste Magazine

With three distinctly whelming movies this weekend, you could flip a coin or go see The Avengers again.

“Girl in Progress operates like a training-wheels melodrama for genre-uneducated tweens.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

Training heels

“This is being marketed as an ideal film for moms and daughters to see together on Mother’s Day weekend. A long, awkward brunch sounds more fun — and more truthful.” Christy Lemire Associated Press

An inconvenient truth with vermouth?

“Does it pull out all the melodramatic stops toward the end? Does it resolve its many climactic crises too neatly and too sweetly? Yes on both counts. But, then again, what did you expect?” A.O. Scott New York Times

More questions?

“A corny, overwritten movie made by a director with nothing to say.” Rex Reed New York Observer

King Sheep says something corny when he has nothing to say

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Mother Avenges Exotic Hotel

by on May 4, 2012 at 8:57 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

No crime committed against a hotel (even an exotic one) deserves avenging. Celebrity room trashing is too common for revenge and even replacing the late-night concierge with a pathological liar shouldn’t warrant assembling The Avengers (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Big, brash and very funny, Joss Whedon’s Avengers Assemble is equal to the sum of its parts – and for once, that’s no faint praise. Suit up.” Total Film Jonathan Crocker

Unless you’re already wearing a suit, then dress down.

“The Avengers is both campy and ­reverential. Comic-Con nerds will have multiple orgasms. I had a blast.” New York Magazine (Vulture) David Edelstein

The film promises nerd orgasm blasts. I hope it doesn’t deliver.

“When I see these six together, I can’t help thinking of the champions at the Westminster Dog Show. You have breeds that seem completely different from one another (Labradors, poodles, boxers, Dalmatians), and yet they’re all champions.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

Canine champions assemble!

“Whedon weaves a story that allows each of the heroes to do what they do best. And while they may not have exactly equal time, audiences get enough of each to feel satisfied, but not sated. Clever work, indeed.” USA Today Claudia Puig

Always leave the audience wanting more, unless you’re running The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The film is home to some unique redeeming factors, but it panders to viewers by diluting its lesson, which teaches that some comfort zones can only be truly abandoned on the other side of the world.” Slant Magazine R. Kurt Osenlund

What happens half-way around the world, stays wherever the fuck it happened.

“A little youth is injected via “Slumdog Millionaire’s” Dev Patel and Tena Desae, but they are supporting players. Still, as one might expect from a group of actors in this age range, the performances are impeccable. Experience does count.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

Experience should always count in life and leveling.

“Charming, delightful and amusing – just what you’d expect from the star-studded cast of veterans.” Empire Anna Smith

For the literalists

“It is oddly like an Agatha Christie thriller with all the pasteboard characters, 2D backstories and foreign locale, but no murder.” The Guardian Peter Bradshaw

This film left audiences yearning for murder.

“Even at its most predictable, the winning characterizations and soulful insights into aging keep the handsome film on a warmly satisfying track.” The Hollywood Reporter David Rooney

‘Warmly satisfying’ could be describing cake or coitus and both might be celebrated on Mother’s Day (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The production overstuffs the script, making one wish not for the hostages to gradually squirm their way to freedom, but for Mother to hurry up and just kill everyone.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

Movie #2 that encourages homicide. Then again, any movie opening opposite The Avengers is likely to be jealous.

“It’s not hard to see the hand of director Darren Lynn Bousman at work here. Having directed three of the Saw sequels, he knows his way around the infliction of pain.” Alex Zane Sun Online

The Saw director left his hand in the movie. If that’s literal, it’s a helluva commitment to horror.

“Too long and with too many characters to get through, Mother’s Day holds effective sequences, ramming home its (recycled) message: the animal lurks in us all.” Total Film Jamie Graham

Outer animal

“You have to like this sort of thing, and I don’t.” Derek Malcolm This is London

“Do as he says, not as he does” is fitting advice for a parent-themed holiday.

“A home-invasion film like Mother’s Day is elongated coitus interruptus.” Slant Magazine Chuck Bowen

King Sheep prefers to leave coitus aloneus

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Bernie The Safe Pirate Hunts Five Misfit Ravens

by on April 27, 2012 at 2:58 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

The titles for these review roundups occasionally end up sounding like a premise for their own movie. In this case, Bernie steals and/or plunders people’s safes while maintaining an inexplicable need to catch renegade birds. Without knowing why the black birds are misfits or why he wants five of them, all we can do is wish this strange criminal good luck finding The Raven (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A grimly preposterous serial-killer thriller set in 19th-century Baltimore, this riff on the final days of the author of “The Tell-Tale Heart” and other masterpieces of the macabre might qualify as literary desecration if it weren’t so silly.” Ty Burr Boston Globe

Logic check: Can something be too silly to be sacrilege?

“When I heard that John Cusack had been cast for this film, it sounded like good news: I could imagine him as Poe, tortured and brilliant, lashing out at a cruel world. But that isn’t the historical Poe the movie has in mind. It is a melodramatic Poe, calling for the gifts of Nicolas Cage.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

Cagesploitation

“A dumb and cheesy period potboiler…Quoth this critic: It’s a bore.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

Nevermore… is probably what you’d say about nuptials if you experienced The Five Year Engagement (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Comedy means different things to different people, but I’m pretty sure that most everyone agrees that it’s best when it’s quick and funny. The Five-Year Engagement is neither.” Portland Oregonian Shawn Levy

It’s slow and serious?

“Stoller and Segel don’t shy away from rational, relatable adults, which may be an unsexy selling point for a romantic comedy, but that attention to authenticity elevates the likable, low-stakes The Five-Year Engagement.” Austin Chronicle Kimberley Jones

The opposite of sex sells

“It’s the sheer lack of investment one feels for the couple that truly sabotages the film.” Boxoffice Magazine Nick Schager

There’s no drama in ‘will they make it?’ if nobody cares if they make it.

“By the 90-minute mark, I was ready for a divorce, but based on the steady squeals of laughter around me at a preview screening, may have been in the minority.” Mary F. Pols TIME Magazine

Whereas the steady squeals of (s)laughter might be the work of some Headhunters (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“‘Headhunters’ is smart, funny, scary and surprising, so it’s hardly any wonder that an American version is in the works. The big question is whether the remake can measure up.” Joe Morgenstern Wall Street Journal

Pop-Quiz: Would an American director be flattered or enraged to have his/her work remade?

“A transgenre thriller that glides effortlessly from crisp social commentary through off-kilter comedy to paranoid terror, it’s on my short list of the most enjoyable movies in recent memory.” Wall Street Journal Joe Morgenstern

The human brain has between 1 terabyte and 2.5 petabytes of memory - be sure to store that in your 'recent memory file'

“The compact Hennie is a wonderful actor, smoothly congenial when confident, uproarious when rattled. And he will be rattled-as well as stabbed, shorn, bitten, mangled, and worse.” New York Magazine (Vulture) David Edelstein

Given that list of expected pain, the guy should try harder to be Safe (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A preposterously enjoyable – or enjoyably preposterous – action-thriller.” Village Voice Aaron Hillis

Also thrilling-action and action…thrilling?

“There’s nothing terribly original about Safe, but it’s a suitably grimy playground for action cinema’s reigning pit bull.” Los Angeles Times Robert Abele

The dog has a gun too

“Yakin wants you to feel (and hear) every broken bone, snapped and cracked skull.” Gary Thompson Philadelphia Daily News

Thanks Yakin. Have you met Bernie (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?


“This is writer-director Richard Linklater at his wry, whimsical best, and considering he was the filmmaker behind 1993’s “Dazed and Confused,” that makes the movie something of a milestone.” Los Angeles Times Betsy Sharkey

To commemorate both films Linklater should get milestoned.

“No use trying to describe Bernie. It’s a one-of-a-kind inspiration. You will never feel closer to a convicted killer.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

Too close?

“Jack Black redeems himself (for Gulliver’s Travels, among other things) with a subtly quirky performance that’s one of his personal best.” Austin Chronicle Marc Savlov

Yes, artistic redemption! I don’t know who’s responsible for tabulating the karmic pluses and minuses of an actor’s resume, but Hugh Grant gets a +1 for his part in Pirates: Band Of Misfits (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“The Pirates! Band of Misfits is one of the funniest animated films in years, or to put it in terms you scallywags can understand: it’s a treasure trove of laughs.” Boxoffice Magazine Pete Hammond

Also acceptable: Giggle gold, merry money, and a cache of crack ups.

“The biggest thrill for this mild-mannered crew isn’t plundering or plank-walking, but Ham Night.” New York Post Sara Stewart

Ham pirate

“No one else has come close to translating England’s homegrown blend of deadpan and madcap for a younger audience, much less with such impressive Claymated technique. You couldn’t ask for better lesson in ‘Anglo-Absurdism for Beginners.’” Time Out New York David Fear

King Sheep is a Monty Python-padawan

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