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Flynn Lorax And The Billion Dollar Bullet Project

by King Sheep on March 2, 2012 at 7:09 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

I don’t know/care about Flynn Lorax, but I’m incredibly curious about a secret project to create the world’s most expensive bullet. Even if it’s solid gold and covered with gold-dipped diamonds, no single shot of ammunition should cost that much. At that price, it could kill the poor without being fired. Nations can’t wage war with billion dollar bullets, because everyone would starve if they Let The Bullets Fly (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“Though a good-natured and highly enjoyable goof, Jiang Wen’s comic blockbuster – the highest-grossing movie made in China – more than lives up to its name.” Elizabeth Weitzman New York Daily News

As the highest grossing Chinese movie, we could call it China’s Avatar. However, Avatar was the highest grossing movie in China too, which means China’s Avatar is Avatar.

“It is marvelously funny – a screwball comedy with more layers than a pearl – and visually sumptuous.” Wall Street Journal Joe Morgenstern

Of the most commonly-used metaphors for complexity, which has the most layers – an onion, a pearl, or a pearl onion?

“A rollicking, violent, Western-cum-comedy that serves many masters, but adds up to an entertaining hot pot of wry political commentary and general mischief.” John Anderson Variety

General Mischief

“Funny, exciting, and at 132 minutes, a half an hour too long.” Matt Singer IFC.com

Even if that’s true, editing out ¼ of China’s #1 movie might offend the ⅕ of the world’s population that lives there.  Anything involving that degree of risk needs a harmless-sounding name, like Project X (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“’Project X’ is a John Hughes movie from the ’80s, right down to its final shot, but it’s wrapped in a level of chaos and decadence that sums up the career of producer Todd Phillips with a gleeful degree of anarchy.” Drew McWeeny HitFix

There wasn’t much anarchy in the 80’s. The Breakfast Club’s worst criminal actually went to detention.

“Have teenagers always been this idiotic or does Project X move the goalposts?” Todd McCarthy Hollywood Reporter

Go back and watch Animal House or Weird Science. Teenagers are great movie idiots because youth is a character flaw everyone overcomes. Hence, if the goalposts were moved, it was up and down.

“Project X” is that beau who sets off warning bells when he’s there to date your little girl. You won’t want to let her out the door with this creep.” Roger Moore Ottawa Citizen

Not all creeps are creepy and the creepy aren't all creeps

“There’s a lot to dislike about Project X.” Keith Phipps AV Club

For example, you can’t rearrange the letters and spell The Lorax (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The result is solidly entertaining – not quite as good as “Horton Hears a Who” or “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” – but unquestionably better than “The Cat in the Hat.”” ReelViews James Berardinelli

Finishing third in a four-horse race takes home the bronze, despite being one spot from last.

“Did you ever get a package where the bubble wrap was 10 times the volume of the item inside? That’s what “Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax” is like.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

Where the bubble wrap lives

”[The Lorax] has its share of eye-popping amusements, but its wobbly pacing and routine kidpic elements make for an experience that feels not just tiresome and rudderless but antithetical to the Seuss spirit.” Justin Chang Variety

A message is only antithetical to Suess if you don’t mean it.  After all, it was Suess who said “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

”Armed with a splendid voice cast and a gorgeously-rendered 3D-CG landscape, Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax entertains while delivering its pro-environmental, anti-greed message wrapped in a bright package of primary colors that truly pop.” Michael Rechtshaffen Hollywood Reporter

The pro-environment/anti-greed message is “Hey everybody, don’t burn and/or horde everything.” Roughly 99% of the world would agree, regardless of whether they’re being good, being bad, or Being Flynn (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Yes, it has a fine performance by De Niro. Yes, it briefly brings us into the middle of a homeless hell.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger

Yes, beginning your review with ‘yes’ makes it sound like you’re weary from an argument no one was having with you.

“[De Niro] never finds any poetry in Flynn’s bellicose soul. He just makes you wish that the guy would shut up.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

No, we weren’t talking to you, even though you’re the only one here

“De Niro’s fullest role and strongest performance in years as a proud, self-deluded writer on a relentless downward spiral. A reminder that De Niro is still the best.” Caryn James James on screenS

DeNiro is the DeNiro of cinema.

“Dano is still doing his ethereal, creepy underacting routine, but, compared with De Niro’s scenery chewing, he seems almost dignified. The film, written and directed by Paul Weitz, has many touching moments and many more hokey ones.” Christian Science Monitor Peter Rainer

When an actor “Chews the Scenery,” they are overacting to the point where audiences might expect them to take a bite out of the set, which sounds like an inane skit from Tim And Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“In every swelling musical cue, Billion Dollar Movie displays open contempt for friendship, family, love, sex, heroism, and everything lofty and beautiful that multiplex movies have reduced to cant.” Village Voice Nick Pinkerton

Reduce to cant = expand to can?

“It would be insulting to refer to “Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie” as amateurish – insulting to amateurs everywhere.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Amateurs do things without getting paid.  If any fraction of the billion dollars went to the people with their names in the title, they are professionals by default.

“In a timid comic world, Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie feels genuinely dangerous and transgressive: it makes a virtue of going way too far because other comedies don’t go far enough.” The A.V. Club Nathan Rabin

Does it count if you have to?

“Recycles characters and plotlines from their show, along with badly made commercials and faux PSAs about inane subjects, a gambit that dates back to such comedy compilations as “Kentucky Fried Movie” or even “Laugh-In.” What Tim & Eric has that those others lacked are the many sexually outre, scatological and degrading moments that seem intended to shock — and perhaps will, if you’re really young or really old.” Variety John Anderson

If you’re neither?

“Do you enjoy diarrhea and screaming? Is your favorite sound effect the “gooey sploosh?” Then the heavens have answered all of your prayers.” Matt Fowler IGN Movies

King Sheep thanks onomatopoeia for the word ‘sploosh’

└ Tags: Being Flynn, Let The Bullets Fly, Project X, review roundup, The Lorax, Tim And Eric's Billion Dollar Movie
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Secret Ghost Lust Means War Valor Gone

by King Sheep on February 24, 2012 at 6:55 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Bummer for the ghost.  A fallen soldier gets recognized for bravery in war, only to lose it because she/he hid being horny.  What kind of military denies soldiers the right to keep and bear secrets?  Speaking of which, we should probably keep our noses out of The Secret Life Of Arrietty (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“An oasis of calm in the normally hyperactive world of toon entertainment.” Matt Brunson Creative Loafing

An oasis of animated calm actually exists. Walt Disney hid a speakeasy inside Disneyland for visiting celebrities, executives, and dignitaries.  If the club accepted cartoons, it’d be where Buzz cools down and Donald starts to sound normal.

“Arrietty has an elegiac mood, like a more wan and sedate Toy Story.” Margot Harrison Seven Days

One Woody looks sedated, the other looks frisky

“Upon leaving the theater, a girl of about 6 turned to her grandmother and said dreamily, “That.Was.The.Best.Movie.Ever.” And that sums up why this little movie is so very big.” Washington Post Amy Joyce

Is. This. The. Longest. Sentence. You. Have. Ever. Seen. That. Repeatedly. Uses. Periods?

“Set in an enchanting locale where the potential for magic is everywhere, this impeccable animated film puts its complete trust in the spirit of make-believe.” Los Angeles Times Kenneth Turan

As long as the catch isn't make-believe

“So many of today’s children’s movies are loud. Loud explosions, loud colors, loud soundtracks, loud humor. The animated The Secret World of Arrietty is the antidote to those films.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Jody Mitori

The antidote to loud is quaffable quiet.  If someone poisoned my palaverous pallet with shhhhh-syrup, I might summon Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“This film sucks on a level I can scarcely describe.” Rob Vaux Mania.com

Someone is always up to the challenge.  Annnnd go.

“The smugness of the film grows wearying long before the end. Just because the people on and behind the camera are willing to acknowledge what we’re watching is ridiculous crap doesn’t really change the fact that, well, it is.” Movieline Alison Willmore

This smug shit is confidently crappy.

“A movie about a man who is frequently on fire SHOULD NOT BE BORING!” Eric D. Snider EricDSnider.com

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

“Cage-ophiles will find some delectable freakouts in Blaze’s transformation – or near transformation – scenes. Otherwise, the committee-penned script combines yokel-friendly haw-haw irreverence (non-sequitur cutaways to the Rider pissing in a flamethrower pattern) and sweaty monologues about “controlling the Rider” (the character is basically a mean drunk’s superhero).” Village Voice Nick Pinkerton

Does the mean drunk superhero fly around drinking or does he protect drunks?  If he does both, he’d be a great bouncer at Ol’ Walt’s speakeasy.

“For acting to be this bad in movie not directed by Michael Bay or George Lucas, it has to be intentional [sic].” ReelViews James Berardinelli

Ouch.  Piss off either one of those multi-billion-dollar egos and they might point to their life-size Transformer and say This Means War (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Technically, movies don’t give off a scent, but This Means War is so smarmy that it seems to reek of cheap cologne.” Time Mary Pols

Given the Valentine’s Day release date, it deserves to get stood up.

“Charmless and histrionic, this mean-spirited movie takes place in the toyscape of McG (Charlie’s Angels), a monomonikered director who makes Michael Bay seem thoughtful.” Time Out New York Joshua Rothkopf

Be careful what you say about Bay.  The guy shits gold bricks, which his interns use to build statues of movies he’s directed; a solid gold Alcatraz for the Rock, 24-carat Semi-truck for Transformers, and a giant shiny bomb for Pearl Harbor.

"I make movies for teenage boys. Oh dear, what a crime." Michael Bay

“This Means War is not funny enough to succeed as a comedy. It’s not emotionally deft enough to succeed as a romance. And it’s not exciting enough to succeed as an action film. It’s a high-energy, fast-paced explosion of moments that can be edited together to make a compelling trailer.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

Not all movies should be the same length.  Some are best viewed over a commercial break.

“The result is 98 minutes of moronic stupidity already being labeled on the Internet as ‘the worst movie of the year.’” New York Observer Rex Reed

You can’t say the Internet says something when you’re someone writing on the Internet.  It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and implies your reviewer integrity is Gone (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Gone is a mystery/thriller that is neither mysterious nor thrilling and proves Amanda Seyfried is quite a ways off at becoming a leading lady of quality entertainment.” Matthew Pejkovic Matt’s Movie Reviews

A thrill-less thriller makes the title more appropriate, as in ‘The suspense is…’

“Which stinks worse? The absurdly large pile of red herrings Gone amasses? Or the film’s sub-Scooby Doo conclusion?” Entertainment Weekly Clark Collis

Was Shaggy a good one?

“Jill’s sister is not the only thing missing from Gone: Tension, thrills, scares and a remotely satisfying ending are also MIA.” Matt Singer Time Out Chicago

The movie has plenty of emptiness

“Poor writing, flaccid direction deliver a tedious look at a woman in peril. First Riding Hood, now Gone, Seyfried’s got two recent films about fleeing from a killer in the forest. Maybe it’s time to rethink the woods…” Kimberly Gadette Doddle

Instead of replacing the woods, the characters should trade fleeing for Wanderlust (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“So this is a good comedy, as bad as it can be and still be good, but good.” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle

It’s good at being bad, almost good good, and slightly good-bad, but good.

“None of the hilarity is enough to keep Wanderlust from feeling like a late-night comedy-show sketch stretched to feature length. But why look a giggle-prone gift horse in the mouth?” Time Out New York Keith Uhlich

Giddy-up and giggle

“Despite some amusing moments, everyone simply works too hard at providing rambunctious zaniness, until one grows painfully aware the inevitable outtakes reel will be superior to the movie.” Variety Brian Lowry

Similar to trailers being superior to the full-length film, it’s disconcerting when snafus surpass the show.

“Wagging a limp dick at a host of up-to-the-minute issues, Wanderlust, manages to feel current, and relatively funny, without ever becoming particularly pointed, resulting in a floppy but satisfactory middlebrow comedy.” Slant Magazine Jesse Cataldo

Middle-face comedy

“Some jokes get hammered into the ground repeatedly; others go on well past the point of cringe-inducing awkwardness, which is the point. But some do reach the levels of brilliant, unfettered lunacy to which they aspire.” Christy Lemire Associated Press

When brave comedians reach the pinnacle of brilliantly awkward lunacy, it’s an Act Of Valor (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Act of Valor is designed to… fill your heart with patriotic respect … and completely shut off any part of your brain that may dare to ask bigger questions about what you’re watching and why.” James Rocchi MSN Movies

Are there more challenging answers than 1) a movie and 2) entertainment?

“I don’t know what to make of Act of Valor. It’s like reviewing a recruiting poster.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

Deploy the WTF maneuver

“[It] raises a sticky question: Should realistic combat look this awesome? Should it be so much fun to watch?” Gary Thompson Philadelphia Daily News

If you have to ask yourself “Is this bad for me?” it probably is.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t have asked.

“Act of Valor will likely earn high praise from combat veterans and their families, the way movies like “Fireproof” and “Seven Days in Utopia” resonate with Christians. Civilians, movie critics and certainly pacifists won’t be nearly as impressed.” Tampa Bay Times Steve Persall

King Sheep is a pacifist civilian critic

└ Tags: Act Of Valor, Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance, Gone, review roundup, The Secret Life Of Arrietty, This Means War, Wanderlust
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Placeholder

by King Sheep on February 15, 2012 at 7:55 am
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

Hello all,

I’m out of town this week at a conference and won’t be able to round up this weekend’s movie reviews.  Instead, I’ll herd this week’s into next week’s and create a stampede of (mildly) witty comments for your reading enjoyment.  Speaking of which, if you like these roundups, why not prove it HERE?

King Sheep just shamelessly self-promoted

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Phantom Vows Safe Journey

by King Sheep on February 10, 2012 at 7:33 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

Thanks phantom.  Most ghosts wouldn’t be concerned with traffic safety in the afterlife, undaunted by invisibility and incorporeality.  This weekend’s movies would benefit from such kindness.  Instead it’s a coin flip parade of amazingly average sequels, prequels, and adaptations beginning with a Journey 2 The Mysterious Island (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“With cheesy-looking effects including a ride on the backs of giant bees and dubious literary references, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island comes dangerously close to giving books, never mind 3-D, a bad name.” New York Post Lou Lumenick
–
3-D already has a bad name.
–
“Screenwriters Brian and Mark Gunn still have trouble scripting action sequences or dialogue that rises above “Let’s do this” level.” Melissa Anderson Village Voice

Let's NOT do this

“The movie flies by pleasantly, and is then instantly forgettable. Perhaps Jules Verne can explain the science of that.” Lisa Schwarzbaum Entertainment Weekly

Assuming the memory loss was intentional, this movie can erase people’s minds!

“This is a family movie, after all — but you’ll have to sit through some abrasively broad, unfunny exchanges to get there. Dialogue, alas, is the kind of thing that can’t be enhanced by the wearing of 3-D glasses.” Movieline Alison Willmore

Japanese scientists recently invented 3D sound and made it in the shape of the Death Star. Coincidence?

“The 3-D setpieces are the film’s sole raison d’être, but Mysterious Island doles them out stingily, and its exotic setting registers as a poor man’s Pandora.” Nathan Rabin AV Club

Given Cameron’s usual budget, every digital world is a poor man’s Pandora.  The only person who can afford his big dreams is ol’ George, who began his space opera (in cinematic continuity) with Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“The under-utilised 3D adds little to this prequel, which only serves as a sore reminder of the brilliance of the original films.” Jarrod Walker FILMINK (Australia)

Episode One exists to make episodes 4-6 better?  So, it’s an example of what not to do?

“George Lucas does it his way in the pallid Phantom Menace. Even cultists will wish he’d hired a director and some writers.” SlateDavid Edelstein

At least he didn't play all the parts too

“The special effects are some of the most dazzling and amazing ever seen on the big screen. In addition, the acting is excellent.” Mac Verstandig  rec.arts.movies.reviews

Be honest with yourself, did you wonder if the last line was sarcastic? I read the acting praise and LOLed.  Actually I didn’t.  I LOL.  I didn’t Laugh Out Louded.

“The Empire strikes out.” Washington Post Rita Kempley

I suggest a new strategy MLB - let the Woolie pitch

“Let the killjoys squawk. Lucas has proved he has the Naboos to pull it off again. And again. And again.” USA Today Susan Wloszczyna

Speaking as a life-long Star Wars fan, I can say with certainty that George Lucas is not the Energizer Bunny of grabbing life by the Naboos.  For geeks everywhere, that’s The Vow (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The Vow proves that love can’t conquer bad writing.” Boxoffice Magazine James Rocchi
–
Love conquers most?
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“While The Vow will give heart palpitations to fans of its charming co-stars Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum, this amnesia-themed romance is the kind of featherweight fare that is enjoyed in the moment and forgotten soon after the end credits roll.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Jennie Punter
–
Someone call Jules Verne’s patent attorney; this movie copied his mind-wipe technology.
–
“A quietly moving romantic drama, The Vow overcomes the “romantic weepy” stigma placed on it with its well acted tale of love gained, love lost and the evolution of personality.” Matthew Pejkovic Matt’s Movie Reviews

Evolution of eventuality

“So it turns out that perhaps the most awesome thing ever to happen to sappy… romantic flicks is brain damage. It makes sense! These movies are already brain-dead 95 percent of time anyway…” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

If brain damage is good for romance, don’t tell the true believers.  Come Valentine’s Day, they’ll be looking for a Safe House (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)

“Safe House may strike you as a brilliant movie, provided you’ve seen fewer than, say, 10 spy thrillers.” New York Post Kyle Smith

It’s amazing if you haven’t seen the movies it copies.  If you have?

“Safe House does altogether too good a job establishing Washington as a seemingly unbeatable adversary: He brings so much gravity to his role that Reynolds seems hopelessly overmatched.” The A.V. Club Nathan Rabin

White belt versus black hole

“Crash. Kick. Stab. Punch. Talk (briefly). Smash. Chase. Screech. Shoot. Mumble. That’s the wearying pattern of Safe House. Had “think” been an action verb, the movie might have risen above the knee-jerk excitement of the second-tier, “Bourne”-style spy thriller. But it never does.” Charlotte Observer Lawrence Toppman
–
Think is an action verb.  I think.
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“A “February” script with a “December” cast, this predictable thriller still manages to get the pulse to race once in a while.” Joanna Langfield The Movie Minute

King Sheep wonders how many "July" movies have "January" scripts and "October" results

└ Tags: Journey 2 The Mysterious Island, quip art, review roundup, Safe House, Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, The Vow
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Innkeeper Woman’s Miracle List Chronicle

by King Sheep on February 3, 2012 at 7:02 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

Miracles should be rare.  A list of impossible acts is either an innkeeper’s daydream journal or a to-do list for Jesus.  Once miracles become routine and you can perform two to get one free, they aren’t special enough to warrant a Chronicle (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A stunning superhero/sci-fi that has appeared out of nowhere to demand your immediate attention” Empire Mark Dinning.

Shut up and listen to what

—you didn’t know

——-you needed to know

————-five minutes ago.

“A semi-serious sci-fi romp, lighter and more fun than many of the comic-book movies that it steals from, a superhero movie in which nobody ever crusades, or wears a cape.” Roger Moore Winston-Salem Journal

Teenage superheros without capes or costumes also lack catchy battle cries like “It’s Clobberin’ Time” and “Spoon!”

“Give these guys more power and more responsibility.” Elliott Noble Sky Movies

Give this guy less power and less responsibility

“Chronicle, with its found-footage storytelling and superpowered teens, at least playfully transcends its “Cloverfield meets Heroes” pitch.” Village Voice Aaron Hillis

Once upon a time, the pitch would have been Blair Witch meets X-Men.

“Perhaps now the found-footage gimmick has been fully exploited; let us never speak of it again.” Scott Tobias AV Club

Someone did it right, so nobody should do it again. Wait, huh?  Doesn’t it seem excessive to put a fledgling film-genre on the Kill List (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?

“Director-screenwriter Ben Wheatley brings a fresh mystery and bite to the hitman genre, although a deeply weird twist and buckets of gore may throw more than a few audience members.” The Hollywood Reporter John DeFore

The only weird twist that leads to buckets of blood is of someone’s neck.

“Pulp Fiction without the flowery dialogue.” Bill Gibron Filmcritic.com

It’s Pulp-free Fiction?

“Displaying both a nasty edge and a playful sense of humor — but thankfully, never at the same time — Brit import Kill List is several cuts above its fellow midbudget horror brethren.” Variety Andrew Barker

Instead of laughing AT Death, try laughing WITH Him

“Brutal and bloody and utterly unnerving, thanks in no small measure to Jim Williams’s brilliant score, which is filled with strings so taut, they sound like screams you might hear in the distance and decide (quite sensibly) to ignore.” Village Voice Chuck Wilson

If you hear screams and Psycho/Shining horror music in the distance, you should consider staying away from The Innkeepers (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Will The Innkeepers be enough for the young folk? These days there’s little middle ground between the determined lack of gore in the “Paranormal Activity” franchise and the determined overabundance offered by so much else. West works in that No Man’s Land, intelligently.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

The only horrific intellectual No Man’s Land I know is FOX news.

“Ghost movies like this, depending on imagination and craft, are much more entertaining than movies that scare you by throwing a cat at the camera.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert`

Ninja kitties sneak up on cameras

“The Innkeepers, a desultory indie-prod poorly written and lamely directed by Ti West, and filmed on the cheap at the actual location, is a poor-man’s rip-off of Stanley Kubrick’s hotel spookfest, “The Shining,” promising paranormal horrors to all who dare to enter. Where is Jack Nicholson when we need him?” New York Observer Rex Reed

He’s probably at a Laker’s game.

“It’s this youthful denial of vulnerability that makes West’s slow-sidling haunted-house movies work. He understands the kidding way that his audience approaches horror and seems to play along with that jokey imperviousness – until rudely tearing up the all-in-good-fun contract, gouging us with actual pain.” Village Voice Nick Pinkerton


You just learned the pain of humility

“A textbook study on how to do horror in a way that offers scares and surprises at every turn.” Edward Douglasn ComingSoon.net

If horror had a textbook, you’d find it at Hogwarts.  We could ask Daniel about the Role-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, but he’s busy chasing The Woman In Black (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Old-fashioned and old school, it makes a convincing case for life after death and, for Radcliffe, life after Harry Potter.” Roger Moore South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Sweet!  There’s life for Radcliffe after Harry Potter!  Wait, what if it had been death?

“Not since young Hutter arrived at Orlok’s castle in “Nosferatu” has a journey to a dreaded house been more fearsome than the one in The Woman in Black.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

A fearsome truth?

“The Woman in Black is a welcome addition to the old canon; renouncing innovation, embracing anachronism, it’s almost “The Artist” of ghost movies. To anyone who fancies throwback stories of the supernatural, there’s nothing so appealing as a well-preserved corpse.” Time Richard Corliss

There’s nothing more appealing than a good-looking corpse?  Really?

“The film, a handsome nerve-jangler co-produced under the storied Hammer horror banner, amps up the scares without turning them into something completely stupid.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

It'd be stupid to be scared

“The Woman in Black” possesses a purity of purpose. Its goal is to seduce the audience into a supernatural realm of somnambulist existence with the power of suggestion.” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com

If hypnotism and subliminal messaging could make audiences engage in supernatural sleep-walking, it’d be a Big Miracle (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“‘Big Miracle’ tells its sort-of-true version of events in a democratic and humane fashion, by way of a rangy, lively group of competing interests who actually do on occasion act like real people.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

Sort-of-true events.  Loosely based on.  Kinda inspired by.  Is there a way to measure percentages of truth in fiction?

Question 2: Why does Truth tend to be painful?

“If you think it’s absolutely not your kind of thing, you might be surprised.” Glenn Kenny MSN Movies

That argument could be used to justify all kinds of bad behavior.

“It needs only to entertain. And that it does thoroughly, leaving us both charmed and enriched without feeling very preached at. Praise be.” Boston Globe Janice Page
–
Hallelujah for religious overtones in benign statements.

“Any goodwill it boasts is terminally suppressed, buried beneath a layer of bullshit as thick as blubber.” Slant Magazine R. Kurt Osenlund

King Sheep would see a movie called Big Shit

 

└ Tags: Big Miracle, Chronicle, Kill List, quip art, review roundup, The Innkeepers, The Woman In Black
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