Adult Soldier’s New Sitter

by on December 9, 2011 at 9:52 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Since most soldiers don’t require babysitters, this roundup title might be a euphemism for a Drill Sergeant.  On the other hand, if a soldier has an overprotective spouse or acts like a big baby, maybe he/she needs the firm hand (and comforting headlock) that can only be provided by The Sitter (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The Sitter’s a lazy ramble of a movie that’s amusing enough to hold your gaze for 81 minutes while leaving you feeling a little cheated when it’s over.” Movieline Alison Willmore

Same thing happens when you pay the babysitter.

“One of the weaknesses of The Sitter is that Hill doesn’t develop much comic chemistry with the children.” Washington Post Ann Hornaday

The Sitter isn’t the kind of babysitting movie you should let babysit your babies.

“Some of it, though, is absurdly comic, like the shot of a guy on a Segway that exists for no reason other than that someone here thought the movie could use a small laugh right then. It did. It could use more.” The New York Times Manohla Dargis

Small laughs can be counted in banana peels and people getting hit in the groin

“A needlessly frenzied, pseudo-raunch comedy that whips up a whole lot of R-rated antics only to arrive at crunchy PG-13 lessons in love and tolerance.” Entertainment WeeklyLisa Schwarzbaum

Would you prefer R-rated antics teachings NC-17 lessons?

“The Sitter pushes the envelope with such sloppy gusto that you have to give in occasionally, and its comic timing finds its rhythm about every fifth joke.” Boston Globe Ty Burr

What if it takes five tries to get anything right? No problem with Popsicles or parallel parking, but notsomuch marriages or heart transplants.  In that case, the fifth job is best after Tinker Tailor Solider Spy (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Utterly absorbing, extremely smart and – considering this is a sad, shabby, drably grey-green world of obsessives, misfits, misdirection, disillusionment, self-delusion and treachery – quite beautifully executed.” Empire Angie Errigo

Isn’t it funny how – considering how often Microsoft Word underlines sentences for being too long, complex, fully-faceted and criss-claused – the point gets lost?

“Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is the intellectual action flick of your dreams.” Boxoffice Magazine James Rocchi

Tell your brain to duck

“An inventive, meaty distillation of Le Carre’s 1974 novel, picture turns hero George Smiley’s hunt for a mole within Blighty’s MI6 into an incisive examination of Cold War ethics, rich in both contempo resonance and elegiac melancholy.” Variety Leslie Felperin

If elegiac isn’t contempo, can we return the ‘rary’?

“A pleasurably sly and involving puzzler – a mystery about mysteries within mysteries.” The New York Times Manohla Dargis

A) A mystery

B) A mystery

C) A mystery

D) It doesn’t matter

“This version of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy turns on the presence of Mr. Oldman, and he is an actor of great experience and accomplishment who has finally found a film that fully deserves him.” Wall Street Journal Joe Morgenstern

Pairing yourself perfectly with jobs and other people might be the first goals you set as a Young Adult (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“So it makes sense that Young Adult feels at times like a mashup of styles and genres – part curdled rom-com, part psycho-prom-queen flick, with a little “Revenge of the Nerds” thrown in.” NPR Bob Mondello

Revenge for comedic psychos is best served curdled.

“A dark comedy that confirms Diablo Cody as a screenwriter of importance, eliminates the last shred of doubt that Jason Reitman is a major director and gives Charlize Theron her best showcase since ‘Monster.'” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle

If you care about the picture, not the people, remember that somebody is important, don’t doubt the majority, and expect a monster showcase.

“Cody’s snappy, spot-on writing and Reitman’s clear-eyed direction should suit audiences looking for a black-as-night dramedy with bite.” Boxoffice Magazine Kate Erbland

Beware of bite

“Their scenes together are the film’s best, with Theron and Oswalt, who have very different tempi and temperatures as performers, parrying and thrusting with great expertise.” The Hollywood Reporter Todd McCarthy

So long as the parrying/thrusting doesn’t involve Freddy Krueger’s underwater intimidator.

“Both Reitman and his first-rate cast do their best to add depth. The real tragedy of Young Adult, however, is the story’s lack of tragedy.” Time Out New York Stephen Garrett

No drama without death, if it bleeds it leads, and tragically w/o tragedy could be Emo greeting cards.  Though “Don’t forget to make your new year’s pollutions” would be more grimly appropriate for New Year’s Eve (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Director Garry Marshall continues his systematic defilement of society’s most romantic holidays with another rom-com built – and executed – like a ’70s disaster movie.” Time Out New York Matt Singer

If executed like a horror movie it would be called New Year’s Cleave.  And a gross out comedy might be New Year’s Heave, hopefully these lame jokes don’t cause New Year’s Peeve.

“The result proves to be as appealing and effervescent as a flute of flat champagne.” The Hollywood Reporter Michael Rechtshaffen

Flattened fizz and stale soda both taste like they’ve taken a trip through the urinary tract.

“Mostly, New Year’s Eve is appalling stuff, a poorly constructed, sentimental sham. Auld lang suck.” Austin Chronicle Kimberley Jones

After drinking too much Auld Lang Wine

“The lesson to learn from watching Garry Marshall’s New Year’s Eve, a predictably insufferable, self-congratulatory cash cow designed to be ingested and then happily discharged without a second thought by gullible moviegoers who just don’t know any better, is that we live in a time without economic dignity, a time in which we must be ready to do just about anything for a paycheck.” Slant Magazine Richard Larson

Speaking of depression from a depressed economy, is it worse to not know any better or to know better, but not care?

“It’s safe to say to no idea was nixed on the set of New Year’s Eve for being too cheesy or sentimental; if anything, ideas were nixed for not being sentimental or cheesy enough.” The A.V. Club Nathan Rabin

King Sheep believes in sentimental cheesiness and mandatory hugs

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Scotch: Local Hero

by on December 4, 2011 at 9:48 am
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

Scotch is good and so is Local Hero, a little 1980’s movie about a big-city man losing himself in Scotland.  Put quirky and sweet (two qualities that refer to both scotch and the film) together and you get something like THIS.

King Sheep longs to drink scotch in Scotland

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Beautiful Lady Answers Artist “Outrage? Shame? Nothing.”

by on December 2, 2011 at 6:21 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Is this roundup title the beautiful lady’s cultural critique on Art’s inability to provoke genuine intellectual engagement?  Or is it a succinct response to a question about the emotional journey post-one-night-stand?  With A) and B) being roughly equal, perhaps we should ask The Artist (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A fascinating experiment is about to happen, and who doesn’t want to be part of a little fun? That rarest of birds – a b&w silent film – is set to swoop into multiplexes. Trust us, it won’t bite.” Time Out New York Joshua Rothkopf

Silent films should bite, they don’t have a bark.

“It’s a picture that romances its audience into watching in a new way – by, paradoxically, asking us to watch in an old way. The Artist is perhaps the most modern movie imaginable right now.” Movieline Stephanie Zacharek

By looking back we see forward.  Also known as the Mad Men effect.

“A brazen stunt that pays off. Writer-director Michel Hazanavicius, simultaneously channeling “Singin’ in the Rain” and “A Star is Born,” tells a story about 1920s Hollywood made in the style of that era.” Miami Herald Rene Rodriguez

The style of our era #99%

“It’s a beautifully shot, beautifully acted piece of fluff.” The A.V. Club Tasha Robinson

In word warfare, fluff is the wrong kind of soft. Most people aren’t particular about degrees of wooly, but there’s a difference between not caring and not hearing the distinction; just ask a woman if there’s a difference between being called the girl or The Lady (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“There’s something immobile at the center of The Lady, a kind of Botoxed biopic with an unlikely director – Luc Besson – manning the syringe.” Movieline Michelle Orange

Mild facial-paralysis scares nerves stiff.

“This handsomely mounted picture is, at nearly 2 1/2 hours, far too long and indigestible for a film whose protagonist spends most of her screen time under house arrest.” Variety Justin Chang

The Lady lives like a Brady.

“Besson responded to something in the story that prompted him to step outside his comfort zone, but exactly what that was is unclear in this well-intentioned but pedestrian retelling of a stirring true story.” The Hollywood Reporter David Rooney

Well-intentioned pedestrians

“We have a fumbling and fawning – if sincere – tribute to the living legend and a director who has never seemed more out of his element.” Los Angeles Times Betsy Sharkey

Apparently, The Fifth Element was Besson’s element.  Before La Femme Nikita became The Professional she was The Messenger on The Big Blue Subway Transporter. Wicked word whirlwinds warp whispered worries, but word warfare offers Answers To Nothing (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“Not one single character strikes you as being anything but a mouthpiece for writer-director Matthew Leutwyler’s simplistic views on socio-emotional problems (racial self-hatred! post-rehab guilt!) or an excuse for self-satisfied, back-patting acting exercises. The title is an understatement.” Time Out New York David Fear

Self-Satisfied Back Patting! Understatement!

“The result is a diligent brand of gloom. When it isn’t being diligently gloomy, it’s being obvious. When it isn’t being obvious, it’s being sneaky, and when it isn’t being sneaky, it’s marching toward a climax of B-movie violence, stupidity and nuttiness that summarily bumps off the movie’s least annoying character.” San Francisco Chronicle Amy Biancolli

Gloomy Spoiler Alert: Only the nice people die.  Typical.

“A Short Cuts” full of self-pitying sociopaths, Answers to Nothing follows its characters toward a succession of increasingly queasy conclusions it tries to pass off as heartfelt and human.” Movieline Alison Willmore

Queasy conclusion?

“Stitching together a quilt of stories involving disparate Angelenos in the mode of “Magnolia” and “Short Cuts” and myriad other crisscrossers, this somber drama is well crafted and watchable but lacks the distinctive story content, style and standout performances to become more than a serviceable reboot of familiar ideas.” Variety Dennis Harvey

Sadly, serviceable reboots are in short supply, instead we get sequels soaked in Shame (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) selectively switched with statements for the second sensationalist sex story starting Saturday, Sleeping Beauty (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

This is a test.  It won’t be scored.  Good luck.
Option A


Option B

“This is a great act of filmmaking and acting. I don’t believe I would be able to see it twice.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

You may need to read this next set of reviews twice because the above review was for either A) Shame (exertions of a sex addict) or B) a twist on the Sleeping Beauty myth where she’s a prostitute instead of a princess.

“I found it gorgeous, opaque and disturbing in roughly equal portions, but it was a riveting experience all the way through.” Salon.com Andrew O’Hehir

They're not done riveting

“I’m not, finally, sure what Leigh is saying – but she is a filmmaker with a voice.” New York Post Kyle Smith

I hope you can hear me even though I'm not speaking

“It’s first and foremost a visual and sonic symphony, and a Dante-esque journey through a New York nightworld where words are mostly useless or worse.” Andrew O’Hehir Salon.com

Q4: A/B?

“Movies like Sleeping Beauty are as sensual as cottage cheese, not to mention passé.” New York Observer Rex Reed

“It’s neither glamorous nor erotic and director Steve McQueen has taken an unflinching and non-judgmental view of sexual addiction in Shame.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

The goal of the test is to reflect on learning, but we shouldn’t take them too seriously.  Those obsessed with their rank should relax to avoid unnecessary Outrage (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“His (Takeshi) sense of style is very much in evidence here, and so is his sense of humor.” Wall Street Journal Joe Morgenstern

A sense of humor is always in style

“Outrage is compelling to watch until it becomes exhausting.” The A.V. Club Keith Phipps

Beware: This film compels you watch until your eyes pass out.

“An exercise in aloofness for Takeshi Kitano, but a feature created with an amazing command of mood and chilling acts of revenge. He’s one hilarious, shrewd performer, but perhaps he’s at his best with a gun in his hand.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

Judge the war by the weapon: Pen, Sword, Gun, Symbol.

“Like one of its yakuza bigs, Outrage commands respect but no affection.” Village Voice Nick Pinkerton

King Sheep commands a respect for affection

 

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My Dangerous Christmas Rampart Weekend With Arthur Hugo Muppets

by on November 29, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Santa Claus has given up the naughty-nice list and started accepting bribes because Hollywood is giving you FIVE GOLDEN movies this weekend.  Each one lands between “Worth your time/money” and “Classic.” How’d you get so lucky?  While you’re pondering that, be sure to leave out a few extra cookies for the big guy in red this year, he’s got a new sidekick named Arthur Christmas (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Sarah Smith pulls the various threads of this wholly original – well, as original as can be reasonably expected given the thousands of cinematic iterations Christmastime has provoked over the years – together into a very coherent, visually stunning, oftentimes laugh-out-loud hilarious holiday film.” Austin Chronicle Marc Savlov

We need a new word.  When literalists say something is original, they usually add that nothing really is.  We need to be able to praise ‘newness’ while recognizing ‘sameness.’  I suggest: Dittoimilar.

“Ho-ho-huh? Arthur Christmas is an animated kiddie comedy that delivers all the wonder you’d expect in a movie about a guy delivering one package. Maybe they should have called it ‘UPS Man: The Movie.’ “New York Post Kyle Smith

Ho-Ho-HELP!

“When it comes to Christmas movies, although most are quickly forgotten, a select few go on to become touchstones, beloved and re-watched by families year after year after year. Arthur Christmas may have what it takes to join the latter category.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

Holiday movies are like Grandma’s house: remembered fondly, but rarely visited.

“The real draw of Arthur Christmas is simpler: It’s really funny.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

I aim for funny with my (occasionally) amusing wordplay, but I stand on the shoulders of much wittier giants, which happen to be similar in size to The Muppets (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“The Muppets may have been born out of a desire to revive a dormant franchise that was once a cash cow, but there isn’t a single beat in the film that feels crass or opportunistic. This one is from the heart.” Miami Herald Rene Rodriguez

It’s heart felt even if the heart is made of felt.

“The Muppets is both a delightful family film about the Muppets and a winking, self-referential satire about how lame the Muppets are.” Washington Post Michael O’Sullivan

The name of the game is lame fame

“It’s hard not to be both heartened and a little wistful about the fact that The Muppets is probably as good a Muppet project as it’s possible to make without Jim Henson.” NPR Linda Holmes

Whether it’s Henson, Jobs, or ol’ Walt Disney himself, visions don’t have to die with the visionary.

“You can find movies with better scripts, direction, acting, songs, and jokes than The Muppets — but you won’t find one that’s nearly so much fun.” Portland Oregonian Shawn Levy

A lot of men from my father’s generation would probably say the same thing about My Weekend With Marilyn (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The performance is both an eerie imitation and a touching revelation. Oscar voters who overlooked Williams for her camouflage roles in “Brokeback Mountain,” “Wendy and Lucy” and “Blue Valentine” should now throw diamonds at her feet.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

We've got a new gig for you Neil

“At moments hilarious and others touching, it’s a sweet, slight affair, more pretty pageant than pithy biographical drama. Expect awards nominations to stack up for Williams and Branagh.” Empire Angie Errigo

If you want to dominate other awards ceremonies, your award should be a stack of other trophies.

“When Marilyn Monroe appears, things stop. She is, as portrayed by Michelle Williams, a strange and beautiful alien: Unpredictable, odd, magnetic.” New York Daily News Joe Neumaier

Santa is a beautifully odd alien

“There’s nothing here about Monroe that we haven’t been told a thousand times already: she was sexy, she was troubled; she was warm, she was selfish; she took pills, she lit up the screen.” Chicago Reader J.R. Jones

Doing all those things together would require A Dangerous Method (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Precise, lucid and thrillingly disciplined, this story of boundary-testing in the early days of psychoanalysis is brought to vivid life by the outstanding lead performances of Keira Knightley, Viggo Mortensen and Michael Fassbender.” The Hollywood Reporter Todd McCarthy

Lurid boundary testing?  Thrilling discipline?  Sentence fragments ending with question marks?

“Certainly the most genteel film Cronenberg has ever made, with period costumes worthy of Merchant/Ivory, no gore, and very little physical violence. But A Dangerous Method doesn’t feel like a wimp-out or a sell-out at all. It’s a fiercely thoughtful film, a movie of ideas that understands how powerful ideas can be.” Slate Dana Stevens

Ideas can be powerful, even if most of them are dittoimilar.

“In short, Cronenberg has made an elegant film, with spanking. There’s some mildly kinky sex in A Dangerous Method, but Cronenberg makes it neither exploitive nor so tasteful that it loses its charge.” Movieline Stephanie Zacharek

If you live in fear of tasteful-kinky-spanking you should consider building yourself a personal Rampart (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Here the director pulls off the formidable task of marrying two unwieldy performances: Harrelson’s, a volatile and vulnerable feat of showboating, and Ellroy’s, whose writing voice is unmistakably the voice of the movie. “ Village Voice Karina Longworth

A crime writer’s voice marries a cumbersome showboat?  Sounds like a marriage of inconvenience.

“As the movie drags on, though, it takes on a throbbing, sick monotone. This isn’t a concert, it’s a bass guitar solo, all thumping blackness. “ New York Post Kyle Smith

For thumping bass in the blackness of space

“Rampart won’t be for everyone, but it’s the work of a major directorial voice. It’s a thriller on fire.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

Aside from being a combustible cliff-hanger pyro-potboiler, what’s the spark that lights the blaze?

“The film has its narrative flaws and, occasionally, distracting stylistic flourishes. Harrelson’s portrayal of a swinging dick staring down the abyss, however, is perilously close to perfect; it’s the finest, most harrowing thing he’s ever done.” Time Out New York David Fear

Swinging dicks down the abyss does sound harrowing for Harrelson.  Perilously so.  Let’s ask Hugo (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“With Hugo, Martin Scorsese has accomplished what few in Hollywood are willing to try: make a movie for adults that arrives without sex, violence, or profanity and earns a PG-rating.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

Parental Guidance is no longer required.

“In attempting to make his first film for all ages, Martin Scorsese has fashioned one for the ages. Simultaneously classical and modern, populist but also unapologetically personal, Hugo flagrantly defies the mind-numbing quality of most contempo kidpics.” Variety Peter Debruge

Contempo is pomo.

“Hugo states, in its adamant, straightforward poetry, that old things do matter.” Movieline Stephanie Zacharek

Just ask Santa, he's hard-lore

“This kind of cinematic delight is a rarity, a warm and masterfully crafted reminder of why we love to go to the movies in the first place.” New Orleans Times-Picayune Mike Scott

(On Black Friday), King Sheep did it to escape crowds at the mall

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Happy Descendants Break Feet

by on November 18, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Why do optimistic offspring choose to torture their toes?  Nobody knows.  Assuming they manage their maiming around midnight, their walk home would be a Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“It’s fun in a Syfy Channel way: not despite its badness, but because of it. And it gives fans exactly what they want.” Randy Myers Contra Costa Times

The fans want badness?  I would have guessed goodness.

“What remains is the total conviction that the ludicrous scenes are dead serious and fiercely meaningful. The result is not quite a laugh a minute, but close.” Rafer Guzman Newsday

What happens during the ~59 minutes between giggles?

“It’s like “Roadhouse” for women. As irresistible as it is ridiculous.” Gary Thompson Philadelphia Daily News

Roadhouse wasn't for women?

“In several scenes, characters play chess, but the film itself is as complex as “Chutes and Ladders,” and just as suspenseful.” Duane Dudek Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

While the former game is more complex, I have a better record in the latter.  Shoot!

“Breaking Dawn Part 1 confirms suspicions that all four books could’ve made a heck of a single movie.” St. Petersburg Times Steve Persall

Editors of the world, you’ve been issued a future dare.  One day you may be summoned to edit other franchise’s (e.g. make the Nightmares on Elm Street singular and reload the Matrix as a one-shot), perhaps Happy Feet Two (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“Like father, like son; like Disney, like everyone else. And like first movie, like sequel.” Manohla Dargis New York Times

Like, what are you trying to say?

“It’s hard to resist a children’s movie where two comic krill named Will and Bill toss off a reference to existential angst one minute and make really bad wordplays, as in “Goodbye, krill world” and “one in a krillion,” the next. Nancy Churnin Dallas Morning News

Really?  Puns?  You’re krilling me.

“If it weren’t for the comic relief provided by Will and Bill, tiny shrimplike crustaceans known as krill and voiced by Brad Pitt and Matt Damon, this would be a forbidding return to Antarctica indeed.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

Maybe krill are cuter in 3D

“Little kids, of course, will swallow it whole without thinking twice.” Boston Globe Ty Burr

I’d think twice before swallowing one of those krill, even if it were fresh from a grill. Same goes for penguins.

“The trek to get there is sluggish at best, torturous at worst. March away, penguins. Far away.” Time Out New York Keith Uhlich

And as Morgan Freemon narrates their departure, the story of life continues with The Descendants (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Payne’s low-key approach only deepens the film’s intimate power. Want a movie you can really connect with? The Descendants is damn near perfect.” The New York Times A.O. Scott

There’s a lot of variation between perfect and damn near.  No joke, this week I had a conversation with someone who argued that Hitler was a damn near perfect leader. Damn near = first runner up in World War II.

“To call The Descendants perfect would be a kind of insult, a betrayal of its commitment to, and celebration of, human imperfection. Its flaws are impossible to distinguish from its pleasures.” Boston Globe Ty Burr

This movie was just praised for being perfectly imperfect.  We are bordering on abstract concepts here.  Besides shapes, colors, and math (and maybe fantasies), is anything perfect?

Do you doubt Captain Perfect's golf score?

“I can’t think of another movie this year that made me laugh or weep harder for the whole lumpy business of being – the compromises and connections that get us through the day and somehow add up to entire lives.” Washington Post Ann Hornaday

Big things are made of little things.  Where do you think the lumps come from?

“Payne is too acerbic – maybe too much of an asshole – to settle for easy humanism. But he’s too smart a dramatist to settle for easy derision. Mockery and empathy seesaw, the balance precarious – and thrillingly so. It’s the noblest kind of satire: cruel and yet, in the end, lacking the killing blow.” New York Magazine David Edelstein

King Sheep prefers non-lethal satire

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