Final Minutes Help

by on August 12, 2011 at 4:44 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

“Brevity is the soul of wit” according to Shakespeare, so I’m aiming to finish this roundup in 30 Minutes Or Less (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“30 Minutes or Less features about half of a decent idea, which works out OK since it ends up as half a movie.” Salon.com Andrew O’Hehir

In a world that was just and fair, or even just fair, we’d only pay half the admission.

“There’s nothing nice about 30 Minutes or Less. It’s got no redeeming social value. It just ticks away, exploding all notions of where you think it’s going to go. It blew me sideways.” Entertainment Weekly Lisa Schwarzbaum

Being blown sideways falls somewhere between being blown up and away.

“Like a comedy made out of Legos – the pieces snap together so effortlessly that the makers assumed audiences wouldn’t notice just how mismatched the components really are.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

Don't worry about matching, no one's looking at your shoes

“Moral of the story: If you occupy the demographic that this film is aimed at, Hollywood doesn’t have a very high opinion of you. ” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

Exactly the opinion I would expect from the 65-75 reviewer demographic.

“You should get free pizzas for enduring more than 30 minutes of this dud.” Matt Stevens E! Online

If marketers should put that quote on the poster, hungry college students would be giving each other high-fives in anticipation of free food.  Then, after a closer reading, they would give each other a sad high-five.  Though the most tragic high five is your last, also known as a Final Destination 5 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“To borrow from TV terminology, the series hasn’t jumped the shark yet, but the strain of inventing bizarre deaths is beginning to show.” The Hollywood Reporter Kirk Honeycutt

To borrow Mr. Hollywood’s syntax, the franchise has hurdled the dolphin, skipped the seal, and vaulted the otter.  Is the strain of inventing bizarre comparisons beginning to show?

“The cheap thrills wear off way fast, and we’re left with atrocious acting, feeble writing and clueless directing (from first-timer Steven Quale). The horror! The horror!”  Rolling Stone Peter Travers

If the movie doesn’t scare you, reflecting on its low quality is the next best thing.

“Final? Really? How can something with final in the title have a five after the word?” Gary Wolcott Tri-City Herald

It’s a Hollywood tradition

“While it has been made with just enough style to arguably make it the best of the series to date, that still doesn’t make it good by any stretch of the imagination.” Peter Sobczynski eFilmCritic.com

Unless you imagine the series is good, then you’ll like it.

“Easily the most shocking and disturbing movie in the series and if they choose to finally end things here, they would be ending things on a high note.” Edward Douglas ComingSoon.net

We know that won’t happen.  Hollywood has a compulsion to keep making sequels of horror movies until the franchise becomes a joke.  If this sort of greedy OCD occurred in a person, they would need a psychiatrist or someone else who can provide The Help (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A stirring black-empowerment tale aimed squarely at white audiences, The Help personalizes the civil rights movement through the testimony of domestic servants working in Jackson, Miss., circa 1963.” Variety Peter Debruge

Describing the movie as an inspirational civil-rights story for white people makes me think the only facts will be the locations and dates.

“The performances in this movie are so spectacular that it made my analytical eye fill with tears for the triumphs and sorrows of the people on the screen.” Grae Drake Movies.com

Her emotional eye must have been weeping on the floor.

“The Help is a high-functioning tearjerker, but the catharsis it offers feels glib and insufficient, a Barbie Band-Aid on the still-raw wound of race relations in America.” Dana Stevens Slate

Would these be more accurate?

“Typically, this sort of film is an earnest tear-jerker with moments of levity. Instead, what we have here is a raucous rib-tickler with occasional pauses for a little dramatic relief.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Rick Groen

Instead of a dramedy, it’s a comeda?

“Laughter, which is ladled on thick as gravy, proves to be the secret ingredient – turning what should be a feel-bad movie about those troubled times into a heart-warming surprise.” Los Angeles Times Betsy Sharkey

King Sheep would like the recipe for giggle gravy

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Planet Whistle Changes Apes

by on August 5, 2011 at 1:20 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

A planet whistle sounds like a gentle summer wind massaging a moan from an elderly tree; just as a geyser is a planetary gleek and a volcano is a blazing fart.  The disparity of examples reflects my impulse to be reassuringly familiar, while other days I go for The Change Up (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The film is often funny and even more frequently vulgar, exploiting every last chance for raunch in the full-chassis exchange of two grown men. The only thing missing: male nudity.” San Francisco Chronicle Amy Biancolli

Perhaps that’s because male nudity is also ‘often funny and even more frequently vulgar.’

“One of the dirtiest-minded mainstream releases in history. It has a low opinion of men, a lower opinion of women, and the lowest opinion of the intelligence of its audience. It is obscene, foulmouthed, scatological, creepy and perverted.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

The film hates men, women, and you. Who created this menace?

“The Change-Up, like so many American movies, feels like the product of sex-phobic 12-year-old boys whose response to the big, bad world is to run back to mommy’s leg.” Alonso Duralde The Wrap

Mama's boys don't need help feeling sorry for themselves

“Depending on what you need from this movie, there’s slight redemption in its full-on commitment to raunch, both in baby-shit–to-mouth scatology and some choice zingers.” Time Out New York Joshua Rothkopf

The impressiveness of the latter can’t compensate for the repulsiveness of the former.

“Don’t start a movie with a baby projectile pooping in his dad’s mouth. Please. Just don’t.” Matt Pais RedEye

Please.  No more about shit lips.  If this kind of gag continues in comedy, I may have to call The Whistleblower (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The Whistleblower is a grisly, authentic, meticulously researched, pulse-quickening political chiller about a hot-button topic that will keep you on the edge of your seat from start to finish.” Rex Reed New York Observer

I don’t want to be on the edge of my seat the whole movie.  Luckily, if I lean back far enough, I can achieve the same sensation.

“Stunning expose of a scandal indicating that UN personnel assigned to stop the Bosnian sex trade indulged in the corruption themselves.” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

Those assholes.

“The suberb Weisz almost single-handedly carries this disjointed movie and its weighty theme, but can’t disguise the way The Whistleblower is easily reduced to a noble message.” Caryn James James on screenS

When a film preaches a message, it shouldn’t be a deal-breaker unless you disagree with the message.  Anyone want to stand up and argue FOR sex trafficking?

“…arrives in theatres stamped with a self-important seal of approval.” Christopher Null Filmcritic.com

Indifferent seal of approval

“Severe and unflinching, The Whistleblower relies on journalistic realism to pack its punch.” Barbara Goslawski Boxoffice Magazine

If you prefer fantasy escapism to journalistic realism, you should check out The Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The running time is efficient, the direction is clean, the story is simple but resonant, the effects are understated yet impressive, and the near-wordless star of the show puts on an acting clinic.” Rick Groen Globe and Mail

If the CGI-ape (played by Andy Serkis – aka Gollum) out-acts the actors, Hollywood may want to reconsider merit pay.

“Sweet fragrant bananas, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is a blast.” Eric D. Snider Film.com

Happy news, most critics only invoke smells when it’s bad.

“Something a caged chimp might fling at zoo visitors.” Steve Persall St. Petersburg Times

If you'd like to join in the fecal flinging fun, here's the home version

“The cautionary tale feels surprisingly fresh and entertaining, given that this is the fifth “Planet of the Apes” film since the 1968 original. “USA Today Claudia Puig

Now that actors aren’t sweating in plastic suits, are the apes still damn dirty?

“Once you see that ape, named Caesar, riding a galloping horse in triumph, it’s awfully hard not to get sucked in. It’s not dumb fun, exactly. It’s smart dumb fun.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

King Sheep can't wait to love hate it

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Stupid Aliens Attack Crazy Smurfs

by on July 30, 2011 at 3:29 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

Looking past this summer’s fondness for superhero movies, the rest of the multiplex has been dominated by alien attacks, raunchy comedies, and kid-movie cash-ins.  If you are a frequent visitor of your local theater, you probably thought of Transformers/Super 8 then Hangover/Bridesmaids/Horrible Bosses, and you couldn’t think of a kid’s movie because they’re mostly forgettable.  Luckily for you, this weekend offers an option from every category, except the men in tights.  Hollywood studios love to tap the same creative wells, but they can’t see it’s Crazy Stupid Love (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The script, by Dan Fogelman, is unusually and gratifyingly bisexual – i.e., it boasts scenes from both the male and female points of view!” New York Magazine David Edelstein

Exclamation points indicate surprise or sarcasm!

“What to say about an uphill slog called Crazy, Stupid, Love? It’s not nearly crazy enough to clear the clogged arteries of summer comedies, and when the love appears, it’s in all the wrong places. Oh well, at least they nailed the stupid part.” New York Observer Rex Reed

One out of three isn’t bad for baseball

“Men will watch Crazy, Stupid, Love thinking they’re finding out things about women, but if anything, this movie works the other way. Women will get a glimpse into the male mind.” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle

On behalf of men everywhere, “Uh oh.”

“Pity the crowds expecting another cute comedy like “Date Night” who wind up at Crazy, Stupid, Love. It’ll be like asking for a burger and getting served escargot.” New York Post Kyle Smith

The bait rarely switches

“Grant the filmmakers the efficiency of their plotting, even if it reduces characters to types. And credit them with having assembled a cast capable of making the film’s craziness and stupidity appealing, even if hitching actors of the caliber of Moore and Gosling (and to a lesser extent Carell and Stone) to material this thin is a little like hitching a Saturn rocket to a go-cart.” NPR Bob Mondello

Hitching rockets to carts sounds like an afternoon of fun with Cowboys and Aliens (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Another assembly-line Hollywood blockbuster, a Western for people who have never seen Westerns, and a science-fiction movie for people who don’t like science fiction.” Sean Means Salt Lake Tribune

If the goal is to pigeonhole the film into one genre or another, we can add either “Space” or “Illegal” to the title.

“The B-movie marquee title of Cowboys and Aliens suggests a picture that’s more irreverent, imaginative, and fun than the turgid movie that stands behind it.” Michelle Orange Movieline

The primary criticism is that the film isn’t B-movie enough.

“[A] phenomenally successful two-man war against narrative clarity and continuity.” Christopher Orr The Atlantic

Art imitating life or life imitating art?

“Will somebody please stand up and give me some different aliens.” Julian Roman MovieWeb

Will you please phrase your request in the form of a question?

“Takes itself more seriously than any film called ‘Cowboys & Aliens’ ever should.” Thomas Leupp Hollywood.com

How seriously should we take titles involving fights against inanimate objects, eg. Attack The Block (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“This spunky, low-budget British action-comedy proves once again that a smart script can breath new life into even the most tired of subjects.” Leah Rozen The Wrap

Breathing new life into a tired genre = Cinematic CPR.

“Overall, the movie’s low-rent British specificity is a plus because the unique milieu provides a unique set of problems for the earthlings to overcome.” Marjorie Baumgarten Austin Chronicle

Unique becomes less unique when your wording involves similar words.

“A slick horror comedy, Block contains a few fatal flaws that weaken its sense of cheery violent fun. It’s difficult to root for a bunch of alien-busting kids when they all deserve prolonged spankings.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

“You deserve it for ruining a childhood icon.”

“More ‘Bloody Kids’ than ‘Super 8,’ more ‘Assault on Precinct 13’ than ‘Jumanji,’ and, in the end, more ‘Be Kind Rewind’ than ‘Adventures in Babysitting.’” Slant Magazine Jaime N. Christley

A little more “referencing other movies” than “making original comments” (says the writer with nothing but peanut-gallery comments).

“The line for this future cult hit starts here. Get in it before your friends tell you to.” Brian Tallerico HollywoodChicago.com

Will the most-willing sheep please fall in?  Or, at least the most sheepish of The Smurfs (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?

“Wearing a CBGB T-shirt, Neil Patrick Harris rocks out with Clumsy Smurf to ‘Guitar Hero.’ Historians may want to remember this sequence when they’re trying to pinpoint the exact moment that rock and roll died.” John Beifuss Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)

Rock and Roll has been proclaimed dead so many times, we need to accept that it’s a phoenix.  Or a very persistent zombie.

“The Smurfs ends up being just below average, it won’t give you nightmares, and small ones might dig it.” Laremy Legel Film.com

Half of summer movies are below average.

“It’s raw and mean-spirited, with too many of the Smurf word substitutions more naughty than nice (“Who Smurfed?” or “Where the Smurf are we?”). That’s Smurfed up.” Nell Minow Chicago Sun-Times

No more Smurfing Smurfs!

“That two sequels have been announced is terrifying.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger

Mother-Smurfer!

“I saw this one so you don’t have to.” Gary Wolcott Tri-City Herald

King Sheep reads reviews so you don’t have to

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Day With Friends Benefits American Life

by on July 22, 2011 at 10:47 am
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

What a wholesome little message buried in this week’s mash-up of movie titles.  However, all people benefit from friendship, not just Americans.  Though if our democracy worried less about imaginary ceilings and focused on electing a super friend to represent our country, we might call the winner Captain America (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Iron Man finally has another Marvel comrade worth sharing a movie with. Captain America: The First Avenger succeeds where Thor didn’t and Hulk hasn’t, twice. Director Joe Johnston keeps things relatively simple and pleasantly stupid.” Steve Persall St. Petersburg Times

So, Thor and Hulk could have succeeded by being more simple and stupid?  Those words practically define the characters.

“Of course it’s loaded with CGI. It goes without saying it’s preposterous. But it has the texture and takes the care to be a full-blown film.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

In the context of a superhero action movie, ‘full-blown’ sounds even more explosive.

“…the right kind of patriotic (the kind that doesn’t demean other cultures) and the right shade of nostalgia…” Walter Chaw Film Freak Central

The wrong kind of nostalgic patriotism

“The homogenized, bland hero belongs in a Barbie Dream House, not a war. He’s a cipher at the center of big-budget action that is cartoony, 3-D but never engaging.” Caryn James James on screen

In the world of doll dating, Barbie should consider dumping Ken for Cap.

“Unambiguously embraces its hero’s old-fashioned sensibilities, and invites us to embrace them as well.” Thomas Leupp Hollywood.com

You can practically hug the nostalgia.  Those cozy feelings of yesteryear honed by time’s softening influence make those memories into friends, perhaps even Friends With Benefits (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“”Friends With Benefits” follows rom-com formulas as if directed on autopilot, but that’s not to say it isn’t fun.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

Romance is one of those areas where I wouldn’t trust the autopilot.  Real romance is full of ups and downs, but a straight route eventually hits a mountain.

“…puts a witty, self-reflexive exclamation point on this summer’s triumvirate of surprisingly successful comedies.” Jason McKiernan Filmcritic.com

Your summer triumvirate includes Bridesmaids, Horrible Bosses, and Friends With Benefits.  If they all came out the same week, my roundup title would have argued: Friendly Bosses Benefit Horrible Maids.

“In the world of the contemporary Hollywood romantic comedy, it is in fact not possible for two straight BFFs of the opposite sex to sleep together and not fall in love.” Andrew Schenker Slant Magazine

What about BSFFs?

“Whenever the film gets away from Timberlake and Kunis’ flirty banter, it feels like an unfortunate distraction.” Scott Tobias AV Club

If everything (including the sex) distracts from the talking, a more appropriate title might have been “Friends With Banter.”

“The movie is pleasant overall and occasionally comes up with a big laugh. When the movie’s over, though, it evaporates from memory, just like a one-night stand that didn’t go nearly as well as you’d hoped.” Miami Herald Rene Rodriguez

That is the daily risk of living, whether it’s a day in the life or a Life In A Day (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“This amazing compilation of videos all shot the same day around the globe is one for the ages.” Kirk Honeycutt Hollywood Reporter

The ages will remember this day (July 24th 2010), not for the events, but for the recording – Marshall McLuhan would have loved that.

“A bold project that has succeeded beyond the wildest expectations. User-generated cinema has arrived. What’s next?” Matt Bochenski Little White Lies

I’ve got it.  Audience-generated cinema!  We watch ourselves watching ourselves.  No wait, that was already invented.  It’s called a mirror.

“Live it. Love it. Make it. And now watch it.” Graham Young Birmingham Mail

Live it, love it, just don't watch it to death

“[A] celebration of digital empowerment in the age of camcorders, cellphones, webcams – from first hullabaloo to final hurrah.” Nigel Andrews Financial Times

Hip-hip huzzah!

“Most of us don’t lead extraordinary lives, and Life in a Day successfully shows that.” Ben Lee Digital Spy

King Sheep is extraordinarily ordinary

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Harry Potter And The Undefeated Pooh

by on July 15, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

After years of anticipation, fans are lining up; their tickets clutched tightly in eager hands. A classic book series has been adapted into an equally memorable film.  A young boy and his friends take a journey and they won’t be the same after they reach their destination.  Luckily, there isn’t an evil wizard in sight.  There’s no epic war and the only loveable bear isn’t named Hagrid; his name is Winnie The Pooh (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Winnie The Pooh is a storybook brought to life with intelligence, wit, and palpable affection; where so many kids’ films try desperately to come off as hip and timely that they often feel tacky and instantly dated, Winnie The Pooh is bravely quiet, old-fashioned, and wry.” The A.V. Club Nathan Rabin

When trying to be hip and smart makes you unfashionably lame, it’s a good reminder that the most enduring kids’ movies embrace simplicity.  Of course, Pooh said it better: “It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like “What about lunch?”

“Rather than a mind-blowing movie experience, “Pooh” is a cinematic snuggle.” Cathy Jakicic Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Since you can’t watch two movies at once, you don’t have to decide between head-popping and eye-hugging – neither of which sound like something worth paying for.

“It’s classically Disney, as if Walt himself (actually, John Cleese) were reading us a story.” Mary F. Pols TIME Magazine

This narrator might be an animated character in real life

“Pooh’s moral triumph isn’t all that weighty, but it’s almost existentially profound to see the silly old bear forgo honey a little while longer because of someone else’s needs.” Slant Magazine Rob Humanick

Worrying about someone else sounds like socialism.  No wait, that’s nonsense.  And yet, it sounds sensible to people who fear (and shoot) bears while proudly calling themselves mama grizzlies.  Such logic works if you consider that Sarah Palin has never run for President, so she can (for the moment) claim to be Undefeated (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A troop-rallying campaign infomercial as imagined by Michael Bay: hero-worshipping, crescendo-edited at a dizzying pace, thunderously repetitive and its own worst enemy as a two-hour, talking-points briefing.” Los Angeles Times Robert Abele

Michael Bay’s political usefulness talking points include:

-He’s a go-to Hollywood caricature – blending shameless entertainment with hollow inspiration.

-He’s practically a brand name, which fits modern political rhetoric.

-Palin isn’t the first to embrace Bay – Pawlenty already tapped that.

“”The Undefeated” plays like an infomercial. And as such, it’s an infomercial of almost comical omissions.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

It’s a documercial for a candidon’t.

“Viewers are left to wonder if it’s all actually some sort of vehicle for subliminal messaging.” The A.V. Club Alison Willmore

Behold the subliminal message-mobile

“The Undefeated flatlines after an hour of empty back-patting and no dramatic edge. Bannon actively avoids any of Palin’s setbacks, downplaying the entire 2008 presidential campaign to a few minutes of screen time.” Eric Kohn indieWIRE

That’s probably because the undefeated was defeated in that election.  Many eager fans are expecting a better resolution for their favorite boy wizard in Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 2 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“To say they’ve saved the best for last would be an understatement. It’s a finale that’s truly magical in every way, and easily the best Harry Potter movie yet.” Edward Douglas ComingSoon.net

How can the best be understated?  Unless, they saved the bestest for last.

“Fasten your seat belts. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 is an emotional roller-coaster ride.” Nancy Churnin Dallas Morning News

Roller-coasters don’t have seat belts, but let’s not get emotional about it.

“All too soon, in the words of the tagline, ‘It All Ends’. Spectacularly. Emotionally. And Wanderfully.” Birmingham Mail

Wanderfully Wandton

“A fitting, shocking, exciting, mind blowing experience even the haters and contrarians will begrudgingly admit is pretty awesome.” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

Hogwarts haters?

“Just adequate.” Walter Chaw Film Freak Central

Adequately awesome!

“Now that the Harry Potter series is over, maybe the truth can be realized: This has been the dullest franchise in the history of movie franchises.” Armond White New York Press

King Sheep can name at least one real world Deatheater

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