If you are someone who enjoys movies and fine alcoholic spirits, you might enjoy an intersection between the two. Head over here for a fantastic site that looks at whisky’s role in culture.
King Sheep enjoys a good scotch
Who wouldn’t want to win an unlimited supply of lawyer henchmen? You could become a criminal mastermind who’s never successfully accused of a crime. Unhappy about the amount of cheese on a sandwich? Threaten a lawsuit! Tired of neighbors getting in your way? File a restraining order! The number of imaginative misuses for an on-call lawyer is Limitless (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“In Limitless, a potently fanciful and fun thriller about a drug that turns you into a genius, Cooper proves a cock-of-the-walk movie star.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman
It’s rare to hear the compliment version of calling someone a cock.
“It’s a wet dream for anyone who’s ever dreamed of getting an edge on the information highway. The worst side effect is that you won’t believe a word of the damn thing in the morning. Fair exchange.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers
Are we trading a ridiculous power trip for a forgettable wet dream? Fair exchange?
“It’s like watching The Fonz get free songs by punching a jukebox, and that never stops being fun.” Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com
A punch in the face is preferable to this job
“Limitless may not be as brainy as it would like to think it is, but it’s a relatively sharp and surprisingly playful head-trip, a satisfyingly novel twist on mindless entertainment.” Tom Charity CNN.com
It’s borderline oxymoronic to call a movie both sharp and mindless.
“What’s the fun in worrying about losing your soul when you can gain the world?” Mark Dujsik Mark Reviews Movies
That sounds like the sort of moral conundrum that you’d want advice on; perhaps you should speak with The Lincoln Lawyer (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“I like movies about smart guys who are wise asses, and think their way out of tangles with criminals. I like courtroom scenes. I like big old cars. I like The Lincoln Lawyer because it involves all three.” Chicago Sun-TimesRoger Ebert
I like reviews that admit bias; that way, if I share the bias, I share the enjoyment.
“Even those who don’t normally dig Matthew McConaughey should give this a go as he leaves his annoying manchild rom-com persona behind in service of a noirish thriller.” Film4
I used to enjoy man-child McConaughey. I kept getting older and he stayed the same age.
“It goes down as smoothly as a milkshake thanks to an impressive cast.” New York Post Lou Lumenick
Is a meaty milkshake harder to get down?
“It’s agreeably mediocre, a cinematic paperback novel transformed into the kind of fare folks mindlessly consume on planes and forget about before touching down.” The Onion A.V. Club Nathan Rabin
I doubt you could mindlessly consume and forget that bacon milkshake.
“It’s no surprise Michael Connelly’s devilishly clever 2005 novel makes for a devilishly clever film, full of unpredictable twists and turns, and some memorable one-liners.” David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]
“Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional,” (Chili Davis) is a one-liner that best exemplifies the jovial geekiness of Paul (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“A frolicsome comedy in which two Englishmen encounter a smart, witty, and gifted extraterrestrial on their pilgrimage to famous UFO sites in America.” Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat Spirituality and Practice
For film-goers who fancy frolicsome fun on Friday.
“Because of the lethargic pace, cheeky jokes become positively jowly. And the easy lampoons of rednecks and bible thumpers beg to be called ‘Close Encounters of the secondhand.'” Carrie Rickey Philadelphia Inquirer
Firsthand close encounter
“Set your humor-detection capacitors for moderate to above-average intake levels. I haven’t laughed this much since maybe last Monday, but that was a particularly strong Monday.” Kyle Smith New York Post
How many people spend their Monday’s laughing?
“Geek is its own language, and Paul speaks it fluently.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine
For geek typists
“Beam us up, Scotty. There’s no intelligent life here.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger
Perhaps that reviewer’s home planet only has intelligent entertainment, but here on earth, we enjoy our amusingly stupid antics and celebrity schadenfreude.
“Gags and lines are clunky, but the majority of the picture creates a swirling sense of sci-fi devotion, conveyed with a heartfelt tone that makes Paul feel like an elaborate inside joke most audiences should be able to enjoy.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page
If you’re a geek, and have low expectations, it’s a Win Win (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Win Win isn’t exactly easy to sum up or pitch in one sentence, which reveals how deceptively complex it is. It could be a modern Jean Renoir movie.” Jeffrey M. Anderson Combustible Celluloid
Are there any critics who can summarize the film as a pitch?
“Think Napoleon Dynamite and Little Miss Sunshine. In many ways, Win Win fits that mold, which should make it McCarthy’s most broadly appealing movie to date.” David Rooney Hollywood Reporter
Apparently those two concepts shared the same mother
“Win Win, it turns out, isn’t a tale of facile victory. It’s a movie about how loss makes everyone do things they’ll both defend and regret.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman
Win Win sounds like a Lose Tie.
“A delight, a movie that’s smart and emotionally honest about juggling the problems life sends you. It’s already at the top of my list as one of the year’s best.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine
If that holds up, Win Win wins!
“Warmly observed and solicitous of its audience to the point of caress, Win Win is as comfortable an experience at the movies as you might have this year.” Michelle Orange Movieline
King Sheep thinks caressing audiences is cinematic spooning
Like “catch up.” Get it? This is me catching you all up on things that have been going on recently.
On March 1st, I was privileged enough to be invited to Pat Rothfuss’ first signing for his new book, Wise Man’s Fear. I’d call the book itself an epic achievement, being a size and weight that would make it ideal for protecting soldiers from explosions or for keeping an average frigate-sized ship anchored in place. Not that I’m bashing the beautiful prose on the pages, just commenting on its intimidating stature.
The signing event was intimidating in its own right. Something in the neighborhood of 500 people attended, and it went from 7pm to 2am. Yeah. Seven hours of signing your own name. If you have even the faintest desire to become famous one day, I highly recommend getting some practice in right now. By far, the best part of being at that signing — and being on the business side of the table — was seeing how a real signing is done. Pat’s ability to handle a crowd borders on superhuman.
He lays down the law, takes questions, shoots down questions, and relays anecdotes with ease. The entire opening hour of him talking and doing a Q&A felt eerily like standing next to a man who was equal parts world’s greatest ring master and mall Santa. Like a line of true-believing children waiting to sit on St. Nick’s knee, the crowd was full of a mixture of reverence and barely contained anticipation.
But enough about Rothfuss. So what if everyone was really there to see him? I was there too, and soon no one’s book was truly signed until it had been signed by both of us, right? Right. In truth, I was pretty flattered to see that taking a little two minute break from the table was enough to cause a back-up of the line. I’ve always been better at being humble than being confident, but I’ll tell you right now that nothing changes your self-image like being seen through the eyes of people who admire you.
Since that day, several things have happened, but those are stories for the next post.
ECM Mech has come to save the world, not condemn it.
Like a Chinese buffet that serves spaghetti and tacos, this week caters to every taste. You can choose from Victorian period pieces and mobster movies as well as alien invasions, animated kids movies, and medieval thrillers. There’s even a modern update of Red Riding Hood (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“A timid new take on the old fairy tale, and it’s pretty grim.” St. Petersburg Times Steve Persall
In earlier versions of Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf kills the grandmother and prepares her meat as a snack for the little girl, who unknowingly, well, you know. That’s grim (but not Grimm). How timid is this tale today?
“If, by chance, you’ve missed “Twilight” and its sequels, don’t worry. Shiny, moody, moon-faced and dumb, “Red Riding Hood” pretty much replicates the experience entirely.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic
The Twilight experience includes fast food tie-ins
“Adapting a fairy tale would seem to offer plenty of room for creative freedom, and maybe that’s what went wrong here.” Geoff Berkshire Metromix.com
Does that critic hate freedom? What’s next, demoralizing motherhood? Perhaps, Mars Needs Moms (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Based on a children’s book by cartoonist Berkeley Breathed (known for his “Bloom County” comic strip), “Mars Needs Moms” is a tone-deaf animated disaster.” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com
Being deaf doesn’t sound good, even if your mom is always yelling at you.
“On the whole, I’d rather be on Pluto, which isn’t even a planet.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips
Poor Pluto, the outcast orbiter
“Feels like an amalgamation of other animated films’ styles and storylines, assembled by a marketing department bent on hitting a demographic sweet spot rather than artists following their muse.” Christopher Lloyd Sarasota Herald-Tribune
Even desperate artists should avoid following their muse into an alien invasion war zone, like in Battle Los Angeles (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?
“A solid popcorn movie, with plenty of action, explosions and low-key mayhem unlikely to scar even the most fragile of psyches.” Connie Ogle Miami Herald
To prove its failure as a thriller, the critic dares parents to take their youngest children to this movie.
“A tiresome fireworks display starring a cast of cardboard cutouts, quick to make a visceral fuss but frustratingly negligent when it comes to providing a reason to care.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page
Calling all cardboard actors, to the cardboardmobile!
“The aliens have more engaging dialogue than the humans. The aliens are mute.” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve
The joke is understood. The joke is amusing.
“The film constantly blows thick smoke up our asses and calls it charity.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine
Too much smoke where the sun don’t shine might cause a painfully Black Death (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“When your bubonic-plague movie manages to avoid the specter of Monty Python’s Flying Circus (“Bring out’cha dead!”), it’s definitely doing something right.” Joshua Rothkopf Time Out New York
Should our culture’s most memorable film about the bubonic-plague be a comedy?
“I’d bet good money that Black Death is still finding new fans five or ten years from now.” Scott Weinberg FEARnet
Death (and Banksy) have bright futures
“Brutal, austere, and ultimately an effective educational tool, the picture is an unflinching, haunting dissection of fundamentalism, translating the rigors of faith into a grotesque poetry of pain and suffering.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com
Brutal unflinching pain and suffering are also common emotions in mobster films. However, instead of mental torture, it’s just torture. Rather than affection, most mobsters would prefer to Kill The Irishmen (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“True-life crime drama about the rise and fall of ’70s Cleveland mobster kingpin Danny Greene proves there’s life in one of cinema’s most venerable genres.” Doris Toumarkine Film Journal International
The mafia may be dead, but the mobster movie genre is immortal.
“If Stevenson’s performance were equal to his mammoth physique, the movie might have a shot, but even his broad shoulders aren’t up to carrying this much dead weight.” Time Out New York Sam Adams
Other option: Dead weight death drop
“Yes, we’ve seen all this stuff before, but we’ve never seen this version of this stuff before.” James Rocchi MSN Movies
You may have seen our last movie before, because there have been over 20 cinematic incarnations of Jane Eyre (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Will we remember this Jane Eyre any more fondly than the last feature or the inevitable next miniseries? Does it even matter? Bronte’s novel will surely outlast them all.” Geoff Berkshire Metromix.com
Got it, remakes don’t become source material.
“The film builds to a shattering climax that works precisely because all involved fully embrace the melodrama. Be sure to bring Kleenex.” Time Out New York Keith Uhlich
This establishment forbids using napkins as tissues regardless of snarting, leaking from the face, or coughing up lung butter
“Cary Joji Fukunaga’s romantic thriller Jane Eyre is to19th-century literature what Black Swan is to ballet: a thoroughly cinematic, occasionally exhilarating reimagining of a repertoire standard.” John P. McCarthy Boxoffice Magazine
King Sheep hopes your weekend is to awesome what Charlie Sheen is to crazy
In a statistically rare event, the title mash-up summarizes the plot of our first movie. However, the question remains: aside from being an animated western featuring a chameleon voiced by Johnny Depp, who or what is a Rango (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?
“An animated homage to western movies-from classic to revisionist, old-fashioned to postmodern–Rango plumbs existential depths and hits movie-lover highs.” Frank Lovece Film Journal International
There’s nothing like existential movie geeks and good old-fashioned postmodernism. Wait, what?
“Neither Rango the mash-up movie nor Rango the lizard is particularly lovable. But there’s no denying the intrigue in its combination of the good, the bad, and the ugly.” Lisa Schwarzbaum Entertainment Weekly
When you combine the good, bad, and ugly, do you end up with normal?
“It loosens the shackles of a post-Pixar/post-Blue Sky animation landscape, where family entertainment must either be an emotional roller coaster or mindless slapstick.” Jordan Hoffman UGO
Or a slapstick roller coaster
“Perhaps a new classification has been born: the ‘SpaghettiOs Western.’” Jake Coyle Associated Press
If this genre catches on, we’d better call Chef Franchisee.
“Rango is some kind of a miracle: An animated comedy for smart moviegoers, wonderfully made, great to look at, wickedly satirical, and (gasp!) filmed in glorious 2-D.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert
All of this week’s releases were filmed in glorious 2-D. If you don’t like the sound of that, call The Adjustment Bureau (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
For the heaviness of the film’s metaphysics, there is something ineffably light and charming about it… If Frank Capra made The Matrix, it would be The Adjustment Bureau.” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher
Original title for Capra’s matrix: It’s A Wonderful Digital Simulation Of Life
“A satisfying spiritual love story about the preciousness of free will and the lengths some human beings will go to be with their soul mate.” Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat Spirituality and Practice
Sole mates
“You outsmart the movie way too soon.” Time Out New York Joshua Rothkopf
I did? I mean, I will? Well, crap. So much for free will.
“Two movies for the price of one, though only one of them — a fragmented romance within a ponderous parable — qualifies as a bargain.” Joe Morgenstern Wall Street Journal
The thoughts are full price, but the feelings are half off?
“They’re called the Adjustment Bureau, but what they really are is the C*** Block Bureau.” Phil Villarreal OK! Magazine
If you can get around government-sponsored sex preventers, you might Take Me Home Tonight (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Grace and his collaborators set out to make a typical ’80s sex comedy and succeeded all too well; most of the movies they’re paying homage to weren’t very good, either.” The Onion A.V. Club Nathan Rabin
Even if it is only a good copy of a flawed design, movies like The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles defined a generation. ‘Classic’ doesn’t have to equal quality.
“It, like, totally pains me to say this, but Take Me Home Tonight is a bummer.” Christy Lemire Associated Press
How very.
“None of this is remotely surprising, yet I frequently found myself laughing (particularly at Fogler’s wild-man behavior) and sympathizing with Matt’s predicament (face it, Grace is impossible to dislike).” Robert W. Butler Kansas City Star
Spider-man 3: making the impossible, possible
“It’s “Hot Tub Time Machine” without the time machine or the hot tub. Or the fun that entailed.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel
Hot Tub Time Machine minus the hot tub and time machine = tub.
“Nostalgia for the ’80s – big hair, Madonna, cocaine, big hair, Duran Duran, more cocaine – is all well and good. Unless it’s practiced with the charmless ineptitude of Take Me Home Tonight.” Philadelphia Inquirer Steven Rea
He mentioned big hair twice. Perhaps 80’s trendsetters liked their hair a little Beastly (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“A slipshod teen sudser starring 20-year-olds playing 17-year-olds penned as 12-year-olds.” Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com
While its a disturbing trend, imagine if it were reversed and movies cast 12-year-olds to play 17-year-olds acting like 20-year olds.
“The best thing about this movie — starring Alex Pettyfer, Vanessa Hudgens and Mary-Kate Olsen — is that it’s only 86 minutes long.” Kirk Honeycutt Hollywood Reporter
If we’re judging quality based on length, the preview is superior to the movie.
“The filmic equivalent of the word, ‘duh.’” Jason McKiernan Filmcritic.com
The theatrical equivalent of the word "huh"
“Disney’s animated film featured characters that were more alive and human than this live-action film.” Rebecca Murray About.com
If you want believable human drama, watch the cartoon.
“It would be disturbing if it weren’t so incompetently hilarious.” Mark Dujsik Mark Reviews Movies
King Sheep strives for competent hilarity