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Since most rites are sacred, it’s hard to imagine a profession that commodifies them, even if it’s with the intention of fixing broken ones. Would you trust someone who claims to be a sermon salesman or relic recycler? While this might explain what they sell at Rite Aid, chances are I’m more in the wrong than The Rite (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“The Rite is an exorcism flick “inspired by true events,” which in this case means once upon a time there was a priest.” Steve Persall St. Petersburg Times
When it comes to movie motives, there are classy connections like “based on the amazing true story” or “based on the Pulitzer prize winning novel,” but with “inspired by” the only certainty is the creators crave validity.
“A horror film that goes nowhere very, very slowly.” Tom Horgen Minneapolis Star Tribune
It may not know where it’s going, but at least it’s making terrible time.
“Sir Anthony here doesn’t just chew the scenery; he grinds it into dust.” Nell Minow Beliefnet
Is it higher praise to gorge on the scenery?
“Yes, there is a hell, and this movie is showing at its local multiplex.” St. Petersburg Times Steve Persall
I suppose that makes its showings on earth a special engagement.
“Apparently, Satan is a huge fan of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.” Bill Gibron Filmcritic.com
Perhaps cannibalism is getting cooler
“The bottom line is, whether you worship God, Satan, Xenu or Ron Paul, The Rite gets it wrong.” New York Observer Una LaMarche
To get it right, those four could fight it out in a spiritual battle royale. Faith would be tested, damage would be done, and we’ll leave the clean up to The Mechanic (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“The auteur who gave us Con Air… is back, extending his cinema terrible of violent, unthinking nihilism and brutal, pointless action. Oh, and misogyny for fun. Hoorah!“ MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher
It’s a good thing sarcasm works so well in print form.
“To the extent that it’s original, The Mechanic is insane, bordering on gloriously insane.” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle
Gloriously sane – sane – normal – insane – the Mechanic – gloriously insane
“It’d be nice if Jason Statham and Ben Foster, The Mechanic’s mentor/protege duo, could crack a smile. Once.” Philadelphia Inquirer Steven Rea
Do you prefer the smiling Statham?
Or the Statham that makes you smile?
“To paraphrase Roger Murtaugh, 43-year-old Jason Statham might be getting too old for this bone-crunching, head-smashing, action-thriller nonsense.” Sean O’Connell Filmcritic.com
To paraphrase Sean, paraphrasing Murtaugh, ‘Statham’s shtick is shit.”
“The first legitimate action film of 2011.” Scott Bowles USA Today
King Sheep wonders if that means The Green Hornet was an illegitimate bastard
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It’s January. It’s cold. Last week, the news reported that there was snow in 49 of 50 states. You’d think this would be a good time to release quality movies, giving citizens a welcome distraction from natural and economic hardship. Instead, January is known as a rotting buffet of entertainment leftovers. This week, the ‘January dung heap’ reputation is put in question, but in no way reversed. Perhaps Hollywood is afraid to elicit criticism after Ricky Gervais mocked its elite into a temporary hibernation. While celebrities wait for something else to land in the media’s shit spotlight, the rest of us can hope for bad news and/or better weather. Come on Hollywood, just put something out with basic entertainment value, No Strings Attached (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Kinda like When Harry Met Sally, just with less friendship, more sex and not much of a story.” Matt Pais Metromix.com
As far as comparisons go, you can’t do much better. When Harry Met Sally is the Shakespeare of Rom Coms.
“Apparently dirty enough to earn an R rating – but not dirty enough to be satisfyingly funny. Thoroughly mediocre, but in a comforting, warm-bath sort of way.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine
In this weather, it’s difficult to imagine looking at a warm bath and thinking “that’s going to feel mediocre.”
“It takes a gimmicky premise, about two people who try to have a purely sexual relationship, and then fulfills it without distorting or bending the characters around a formula.” Mick LaSalle San Francisco Chronicle
Product of gimmick formula
“Portman is herself partly to blame. Nobody with an upwardly mobile career who is suddenly being taken seriously should co-star in a movie with Ashton Kutcher.” Rex Reed New York Observer
Boy Rex, you sure found a way to blame the woman. Why is she held accountable because her co-star used to play a dumb guy on a sitcom?
“Kutcher and Portman have terrific screen physics, using their 12-inch height difference to considerable slapstick effect.” Philadelphia Inquirer Carrie Rickey
Did that review include the specific height difference because 12-inches sounds dirty?
“Remember the “Seinfeld” episode in which Jerry and Elaine try to become friends with benefits, and set up unsustainable ground rules for their new arrangement? Imagine it rewritten by the Romantic Comeditron 2000 as a profanity-laced schmaltzfest, and you’ve got this tone-deaf dud.” Time Out New York Nick Schager
Inherent in that review was the assumption that the Romantic Comeditron 2000 would only produce bad comedy scripts. But what if they were good? Once you replace creative human minds with savvy computer programs, it’s going to be difficult to find The Way Back (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“It’s an admirable and sweeping epic about a feat of human survival once thought factual, and the story is no less harrowing now that those facts have been called into question.” William Goss Orlando Weekly
Does it seem more real now that it might be fake? Or, has doubting reality has never felt more true?
“The scenes of brute survival – hunting for food, improvising shelter, making wind-and-snow masks out of sheets of birch bark – are vivid. The men are not.” Lisa Schwarzbaum Entertainment Weekly
There’s someone for everybody
“How many new ways can you dramatize icy gales, parched deserts, agonizing thirst, shimmering mirages? And how do you step up the pace of a story that’s about people walking?” Joe Morgenstern Wall Street Journal
By making them run?
“A two-hour-plus epic of survival and endurance that stretches six characters and a few patches of terse dialogue over 140 minutes of spectacular wide-screen landscapes.” Gary ThompsonPhiladelphia Daily News
You’ll spend less than 140 seconds looking at this example of nature’s glory. Only 138 minutes to go!
“It’s impossible not to cry at their suffering, but whether you’ll feel anything is another story.” Manohla Dargis New York Times
King Sheep thinks crying without feeling is like peeing without relieving yourself