Comments Off on 11/16/2010
Or, for the minimalist readers, the title for this round-up could be summarized as ‘sunrise.’ However, it seems excessive to call something glorious when every morning our planet spins us around for a view (that you’re not supposed to look directly at) of a flaming ball of gas 93 million miles away. Regardless of the adjectives you use to describe it, we all have access to the giant astral spotlight that appears every morning on the Skyline (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Chintzy CGI-laden chaos sandwiched between lengthy stretches of tedious, amateurish dramatic filler…a cheapy, painfully uneventful snoozer.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page
Possible tagline: So scary it will put you to sleep…out of fear.
“An underwhelming and derivative sci-fi thriller that’s only marginally more impressive than a run-of-the-mill SyFy Channel telepic.” Variety Joe Leydon
For the uninitiated, previous SyFy Channel offerings include Stonehenge Apocalypse, Planet Raptor, and Anonymous Rex.
“Technically ambitious, dramatically basic. Still, it’s a major step up from an AvP sequel and delivers all the Saturday night whizz-bang and Sunday morning brain-ripping you could want.” Empire Kim Newman
Whizz-bang brain-rippers
“Taken in the spirit in which it’s hopefully intended — a brainless thrill ride — Skyline is a slick genre piece that entertains for 92 minutes and is forgotten as soon as you walk out of the cinema.” Liverpool Echo
Best case scenario, your wallet is twenty bucks lighter and you forget what you did for the last two hours.
“I suppose it’s fitting that a movie about aliens extracting human brains would eventually lose its head.” Josh LarsenLarsenOnFilm
I suppose our next movie about an out-of-control train will eventually stop even though it claims to be Unstoppable (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Unmanned freight train’s loose. Must be stopped. Veteran train engineer Denzel Washington and newbie Chris Pine are on the job. Questions? I can’t believe we wasted even that much time on the plot.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune
At least you saved me from having to explain the premise.
“Unstoppable is evocative of the economically depressed Midwest, and celebrates no-nonsense blue-collar manhood. It’s an engaging action/thriller in which no one pulls out a gun or throws a punch, and that’s something.” Christopher Lloyd Sarasota Herald-Tribune
A blue collar action thriller with no guns or fist fights? They must spend their non-action moments talking and drinking beer.
Or talking about drinking beer?
“It’s like a mashup of classic commercials for Ford pickup trucks, Bud Lite, and Hooters (where, God help us, Frank’s daughters are working their way through college).” St. Petersburg Times Steve Persall
Let’s just be glad reviewers haven’t been making Hooters jokes in their reviews.
“It’s not exactly an intellectual exercise, but Unstoppable is a hoot.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz
Never mind.
“Though far-fetched in the extreme and formulaic to a fault, the movie succeeds as an empty-headed adrenaline rush. It’s pure popcorn escapism, and it works on that level.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion
Some people prefer to escape by eating popcorn, others with a muffin and Starbucks. Depending on the time of your mental departure, it’s either evening entertainment or Morning Glory (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Where Broadcast News mourned the trivialization of the nightly news, Morning Glory asks you to learn to stop worrying and love the trivia.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman
Today’s Trivia: Hugh Hefner worked as circulation manager for “Children’s Activities magazine” while raising money to start Playboy.
“Morning Glory raises the bar for lowering standards.” Jordan Hoffman UGO
So it raises the bar by lowering it? Isn’t that like changing a high jump competition to a limbo contest the moment you realize you have no vertical lift?
“Yes, it’s “The Devil Wears Prada,” redux.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Kate Taylor
Yes, that’s the answer, but is this like Jeopardy where I need to guess the question?
If this is the question, am I answering by writing?
“This just in: Morning Glory can’t decide whether to skewer the morning news or wallow in its pap.” USA Today Scott Bowles
Breaking news: Film critic attempts to demonstrate cleverness with news-themed syntax.
“Morning Glory is a juggernaut. It has one directive: make the audience fall in love with Rachel McAdams by all means necessary.” Nick Nunziata CHUD
This weekend you have a choice of unstoppable trains or unrelentingly cute TV execs.
“Some of the on-camera bitchery between Mr. Ford and Ms. Keaton is laugh-out-loud witty. For the most part, Morning Glory is a delicious movie that will make you jump for joy.” New York Observer Rex Reed
Mr. King Sheep prefers to skip for satisfaction
There is a good chance that the title for this roundup is more exciting than anything that will be covered in this weekend’s theatrical releases. While there are some incredible options that range from amazing true stories to incredible impossibilities, if your tastes lean towards the ridiculous, try to expand your thoughts until your brain becomes a Megamind (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Hilarious, refreshingly smart, thrilling and heartfelt. It will delightfully entertain everyone, young or old, good or evil.” Avi Offer NYC Movie Guru
Its comforting to know the entertainment umbrella also covers good old folks and evil young punks.
“… ‘Well, that was fun. A lot better than I expected.’ An assessment with which this reviewer can concur.” Glenn Kenny MSN Movies
“Did you just post someone’s review into your own and then agree with it?”
Absolutely.
“…an OK entertainment that’s instantly forgettable.” Laura Clifford Reeling Reviews
What were we talking about again?
“While it is never anything less than vibrant and exceedingly clever, it is also a rather slight thing for such mega-sized proportions.” Kimberly Jones Austin Chronicle
Another slight mega-sized option
“Even the 3-D thing, which makes films murky and claustrophobic, is a gimmick from the 1950s. And wasn’t this rehabilitated-bad-guy routine the plot of “Despicable Me”?” James Verniere Boston Herald
The 1950’s was the playground for Hitchcock who gave us an in-need-of-rehabilitation-bad-guy routine in Psycho. Borrowing ideas from the poodle skirt era is okay, but not the technology?
“This is the kind of movie where “Bad to the Bone” is considered a clever musical cue because, you know, Megamind is bad. To the bone.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York
Our next movie is scary. And it involves a bone that kept a climber stuck for 127 Hours (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“It’s exciting, stirring, often funny, sometimes lyrical and unusually thoughtful. And, with that one egregious exception, genuinely pleasurable.” Wall Street Journal Joe Morgenstern
That review was positively verbose.
“For a story about a man who cannot move, the ordeal unfolds at a pace that keeps you breathless.” New York Observer Rex Reed
Should audiences assume that we’d be out of breath in a good way (i.e. not hyperventilating)?
“To say that this movie gets under your skin is only barely a figure of speech. It pins you down, shakes you up and leaves you glad to be alive.” A.O. Scott New York Times
Audiences should look forward to being slammed against the wall and shaken until in need of oxygen. Good times.
“The movie is best when it calms down and concentrates on the sinister peculiarities of the experience, and when it focuses on Franco’s face.” The New Yorker David Denby
A peculiar Frano face
“There are 127 different ways to frame a conversation about 127 Hours, and that’s a hallmark of a good film.” Jordan Hoffman UGO
If the protagonist climber knew the time frame of his ordeal, he would have had a clearer Due Date (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Is Due Date the new Hangover? It is not. But it has its own rewards.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone
Does bed-hair count as a hangover reward?
“For a road movie, “Due Date” generates hardly any momentum.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune
A road movie without momentum is like a comedy with no laughs or a thriller with no thrills. The remaining question is, is momentum an essential element of the genre? Consider the question, in order for a documentary to be relevant does it need to be political? Or in order to convey the effort involved, do all sports movies need a montage?
In a sports movie, this would be considered 'delayed success' rather than failure
“I strongly endorse watching bits of Due Date when you stumble upon it on Starz.” Jordan Hoffman UGO
Which bits should we skip?
“The actors are fine: It’s their long, arduous trek that lets the movie down.” Rene Rodriguez Miami Herald
So, just skip all the driving parts of the road movie.
“I didn’t believe this movie. Which is not the same as saying I didn’t like it — although, there is that.” Wesley Morris Boston Globe
I don’t believe in most government conspiracies. Which is not the same as saying I don’t like seeing movies about them – although, there is that. Although, perhaps I’m not being impartial enough with my expectations for a Fair Game (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“The Bush Administration’s outrageously vengeful act of outing of veteran undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame gets a vigorous telling under Doug Liman’s top-notch direction.” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com
Compromising your own country’s soldiers for the sake of politics makes the title sound ironic.
“Liman’s sensibility isn’t sophisticated enough to tease out the nuances of what must be a pretty interesting marriage; the movie is more about texture and surfaces and surface tensions. But it moves.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune
We found Due Date‘s missing momentum.
“Ignoring the political bias of two leftwing filmmakers, Penn and Liman, this reverse roman á clef is a rip snorting political thriller, probably close to the truth. “ Tony Medley Tolucan Times
I have no idea how to evaluate truth vs. fiction for reverse roman rip snorting.
Reverse coke snorting
“A compelling drama that unfortunately will probably split audiences straight down partisan lines.” Luke Y. Thompson E! Online
After Tuesday’s midterms, would it be an even split?
“What’s effective is how matter-of-fact Fair Game is. This isn’t a lathering, angry attack picture.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times
Rather than lathering up for an attack, we will round out this round up with some important lessons For Colored Girls (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Who could imagine, 35 years on, For Colored Girls would become a star-studded mess of a movie directed by a black, male Hollywood mogul?” Misha Berson Seattle Times
Nostradumbass? Sorry, that joke was For Young Boys.
“This grave update of a 1975 play, which interweaves nine stories, wastes talents such as Janet Jackson and Thandie Newton.” Thelma Adams Us Weekly
A sad trend
“No question, Perry’s Girls is compelling and powerful. But it’s also a missed opportunity, one that fails to fully capitalize on mostly terrific performances and the story’s timeless message.” Randy Myers Contra Costa Times
It sounded like that review praised the movie as a powerful missed opportunity and a compelling failure. Any question?
“For Colored Girls feels like the cinematic equivalent to putting a garish reproduction of the Sistine Chapel on the ceiling of your McMansion and calling it art. ” Mary F. Pols TIME Magazine
Hold on, how garish are we talking? A reproduction of the Sistine Chapel painted on vaulted ceilings with good track lighting would be pretentious, but still art.
Whereas this is just garish
“Shange gives us archetypes; Perry trades in stereotypes.” Carrie Rickey Philadelphia Inquirer
King Sheep is a prototype archetype stereotype