Construction

by on October 5, 2010 at 11:59 am
Posted In: Blog

Hello faithful readers!

Just a quick note to let you know there will be some tweaking going on for the next week. We’re in the process of moving our domain and web hosting, and also transferring the blog to the main page of the site. There are a number of reasons we’re doing this, the most pointed of which is to save money. Less pointy, but by no means child-safe, is the motivation of making money with this site. WordPress.com doesn’t allow the use of ad placement (like Google AdWords) on their servers, so we’re striking out, blazing a trail, making our own way.

And things will be back to normal soon.

Fleece out.

Comments Off on Construction

Let The Freaky Social Case In

by on October 1, 2010 at 8:24 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Sure, let all the freaks in.  Open the door for the social misfits and borderline threats to public safety.  We’ll have a party where everyone is welcome.  It’ll either turn out to be a thunderdome approach to Darwinism or we’ll share phone numbers, pictures, and create the ultimate super-inclusive Utopian version of The Social Network (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“History as we know it is still unfurling, and The Social Network is that rare film that has something — not yet definitive, but certainly provocative — to say about it.” Kimberly Jones Austin Chronicle

For the unprovocative: It’s a modern film about now.

“The Social Network is the movie of the year. But Fincher and Sorkin triumph by taking it further. Lacing their scathing wit with an aching sadness, they define the dark irony of the past decade.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

Keen observation or dark irony?

“As socially significant to this generation as films like Network, All The President’s Men and The Graduate were in their own time.” Pete Hammond Boxoffice Magazine

“A riveting cinematic triumph that can be fairly described as the Citizen Kane of the 21st Century.” Scott A. MantzAccess Hollywood

“The Social Network is the movie of the year. If Coppola were into computers, this would be The Godfather.” Fred Topel Screen Junkies

But before we get lost in the ocean of praise, we should hear from the lonely haters who dug deep to dislike.  Ladies and gentlemen, if you are a regular reader then you don’t need a preamble to know whose poison pen is next.

“Like one of those fake-smart, middlebrow TV shows, the speciousness of The Social Network is disguised by topicality. It’s really a movie excusing Hollywood ruthlessness.” Armond White New York Press

And he’s really a man in need of some happy pills

“Mr. Fincher and Mr. Sorkin offer up a creation story for the digital age and something of a morality tale, one driven by desire, marked by triumph, tainted by betrayal and inspired by the new gospel: the geek shall inherit the earth.” Manohla Dargis New York Times

And when the great and glorious geeks of our generation go to great beyond, I hope Gabriel asks them a germane password like “Who shot first?” (FYI: don’t guess Greedo).  After all, in nerd nirvana, we must leave the uninitiated at the gates screaming Let Me In (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)!
“This unsettling, effective American remake really gets under the skin as one of the year’s most powerful thrillers.” Michael Rechtshaffen Hollywood Reporter

Compared to most fall movie releases, it’s unsettling for two of the year’s best movies to open on the same October weekend.

“A smart horror film that exploits a deep-seated fear in America: subtitle-phobia.” Liam Lacey Globe and Mail

Boo!

“So far superior to the usual run of Hollywood horror films that one can easily forgive the fact that it doesn’t quite match its Swedish model.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

Hollywood’s Vampire models

“Ultimately, if the Swedish version is near perfection, Matt Reeves’s version achieves complete supremacy. Masterpiece is an overused word, but it’s hard to think of another so powerful. Let Me In is the new standard for vampire movies.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

When you see this sign, does that mean you’re the one?

“Reeves has Americanized a very good foreign film without defanging it.” Orlando Sentinel Roger Moore

Our next film seeks to Movieize a very good book without defenestrating it. Like a poor stockbroker whose sanity crashed along with the market, such is the manic money misfortune of Freakonomics (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Swift and easily digestible. None of it will likely provoke discussion, though … doesn’t seem to be anything more substantial than interesting yet trivial data.” Christopher Campbell Cinematical

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

“At the center is the quietly exciting notion that numbers can be used to both mask the truth and reveal it, depending on the character of who’s holding the calculator.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

The best way to do addition, depending on the flavor preferences of who’s eating the calculator.

“By the end, don’t be surprised if you are still asking yourself what, exactly, the definition of freakonomics is.” Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com

Definition of freakonomics: the title of the movie/book – Freakonomics.

“Blame producer Chad Troutwine for bringing together an array of talented documentary filmmakers to try to coax life into material certainly not suited to the medium of film.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

Perhaps a fortune cookie would have been better?

Woah. The cookie called it.

“A quartet of uneven TV pilots posing as a full-length documentary.” Village Voice Dan Kois

If ten quartets of pilots posed with briefcases and Captain Penultimate had the winning swagger, he’d be holding Case 39 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Case 39 has been forlornly gathering cobwebs in the proverbial filing cabinet for over a year. Understandably so – it’s terrible. We’d be embarrassed too.” Film4

I’m embarrassed of that last title segue.

“If I’m to understand the movie as it is presented, demons do not enjoy passive aggression, it only enrages them further, and to avoid a demon, it’s best if you’re neither a nice nor smart person, because then the demon has nothing to work with.” Adam Lippe Examiner.com

To avoid a demon, we should be neutral, banal, and trivial.  Speaking of which, did you know 14% of all facts and statistics are made up, but only 27% of people know that fact?

“It’s all been done before, of course, and Case 39 is let down by too many of those jolting boo! moments, ropey special effects – check out a badly-animated hornet attack – plus a plot even casual horror fans can predict.” David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]

A badly-animated boo! for casual horror fans

“This ramshackle movie features a preposterous plot, dodgy direction and clunky editing, and yet it’s great fun to watch the actors squirm with fear.” Rich Cline Shadows on the Wall

There was a subtle current of spookiness running through this week’s roundup, starting with scary good then good and scary.  Then there was the frighteningly trivial and now stupid and squirmy.  It’s as though Halloween’s eerie presence looms on the calendar’s horizon; offering a chilly greeting before a stretch of holidays.  Or maybe I’m just looking forward to a day when everyone is encouraged to be weird.

“Case 39 is too bland, with scares that are so polite they almost take their shoes off to avoid dirtying the hallway carpet of your mind.” Jon Hamblin SFX Magazine

King Sheep has no idea if the hallway carpet of his mind is clean

└ Tags: , , , , , , ,
1 Comment

Legend Of Strange Howling Money Buries Superman Again

by on September 24, 2010 at 4:06 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

It is unnervingly possible that the only real world threat to DC’s fictional Übermensch is money.  After all, low sales is what killed him last time and things must be going well because they haven’t killed him again.  Instead, we lost Captain America and Batman, but they both returned from their dirt naps.  In comics and on Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“The first time around, Wall Street felt like a warning about the perils of excess just as excess started to exact its toll. This one’s little more than a reminder that we all got, and remain, screwed. Noted.” The Onion A.V. Club Keith Phipps

Question: Are we screwing ourselves with excess or are those with excess screwing the rest of us to keep it?

“No deep thoughts here; this is a product of shiny surfaces and glittering patter, the cinematic equivalent of a derivatives offering. Instead of whacking Wall Street, Stone gives it a poke that ends up as a tickle.” New York Magazine David Edelstein

Tickle yourself Elmo?

“Tom Hanks said it best: “There’s no crying on Wall Street.” LaBeouf and Mulligan are terrible. LaBeouf has no “killer instinct”. Douglas makes love to the camera.” Victoria AlexanderFilmsInReview.com

Slow down.  First, Hanks was talking about baseball.  Second, no one named LaBeouf has a killer anything.  Lastly, Douglas, dude, leave the camera alone.

“Just like the Stock Market, this movie suffers from some pretty scary highs and lows.” Joanna Langfield The Movie Minute

And if you’re up for going down, you can join Ryan Reynolds as he gets Buried (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Cortés has an invigorating fondness for the zoom lens. But the movie’s real asset is Reynolds himself, utilizing his comedy chops for unexpected levity.” Joshua Rothkopf Time Out New York

Expected levity: a joke about someone rolling over in their graves.

“Talk about burying the lead. . .” Peter Sobczynski eFilmCritic.com

I should have expected that too.

“Those who claim that Reynolds is just a handsome star should look at this nail-biting, expertly directed political thriller, which he carries single-handedly on his solid soldiers with his dramatic chops.” Emanuel Levy EmanuelLevy.Com

Dramatically comedic chopper.

“This exercise in racked nerves makes most of the year’s thrillers look like flailing maniacs by comparison.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Flailing maniacs sound pretty scary.  If they show up I’ll be locked in a closet Waiting For Superman (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Controversy is already swirling around this powerful and important documentary exposing the shocking state of America’s educational system and vividly demonstrating how it is failing the nation and devastating the lives of individual families.“ Shirley Sealy Film Journal International

Speaking as an educator, I can say with complete honesty that I want Superman in my classroom.

“Powerful, passionate, and potentially revolution-inducing documentary.” Entertainment Weekly Lisa Schwarzbaum

The revolution will not be televised, but it is available in theaters.

“Exhilarating, heartbreaking and righteous, Waiting for Superman is also a kind of high-minded thriller: Can the American education system be cured?” John Anderson Variety

If it can’t be cured, kids will just keep repeating the same grades over and over.  Eventually, a 22-year-old third grader will saunter into class and the teacher will look up with an exasperated expression that says: You Again (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?
“You again? Another dismissible chick flick that revolves around a wedding and wastes a handful of good actresses by making them behave in a way that no recognizable person would?” Moira MacDonald Seattle Times

Some statements must sound like questions?

“How bad is it? If it were a TV sitcom, it would be cancelled after a single episode.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

It could have been worse.  It could have been an unaired pilot.

“Such a stinker that the only way to improve it would be for Disney to run the negative and all of the prints through an industrial shredder.” Lou Lumenick New York Post

And then we’d use what’s left as confetti for a party.  Everyone in attendance would drink, laugh, and Howl (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“The filmmakers don’t get everything right but their passion for Ginsberg’s genius and their excitement over trying to deconstruction a literary master work is contagious. A more perfect film might have been just a teensy-weensy dull.” Kirk Honeycutt Hollywood Reporter

And a more perfect review would correctly spell “deconstruct.”

“A Beat Generation biopic that makes you sympathize with the Man? That’s just unholy.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

Well, the Man is supposed to be the devil.

“Milk meets Pink Floyd the Wall. Says everything it has to say in the first 20 minutes, then keeps repeating itself.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Well, the Man is supposed to be the devil.

“Like the counterculture icon that penned the poem that serves as the title to Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman’s film, Howl is one odd bird.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

From one group of odd birds to another, I couldn’t have asked for a better segue into Legend Of The Guardians: The Owls Of Ga’ Hoole (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Though anything is possible, I seriously doubt that ‘Use your gizzard’ will supplant ‘Trust the Force’ anytime soon.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

I suppose it is also possible that “trust the force” will replace the more accurate “use the force.”

“A sweeping, grand explosion of animated entertainment, skillfully assembled by Snyder…a tremendously engaging, inspired movie, and should not be overlooked by family audiences hungry for a rousing change of pace.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

The gizzard is strong with this one.

“Zack Snyder’s films have some of the best opening-credits sequences in cinema; the unfortunate thing is that there’s always a movie after them.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

If it would improve your opinion, you could leave early.  Depending on your luck, you might find a great taco truck or You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“A choice cast and, as usual, some snappy [Woody] Allen patter and observations on amour-or the lack of it-will hit the bulls-eye with Allen fans who follow him wherever he goes.” Pete HammondBoxoffice Magazine

Follow him long enough and eventually you will meet a small Jewish filmmaker.

“This love letter to the Reaper and his unknowable timetable is a bracing addition to an erratic, yet indispensable oeuvre.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

Don’t fear the begging Reaper.

“If this were my very first Allen film, my reaction would be, “That’s it?” Drew McWeeny HitFix

King Sheep says 'that's it.'

└ Tags: , , , , , , , ,
4 Comments

Easy Alpha Devil Town

by on September 17, 2010 at 4:26 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

I have no idea what an easy alpha devil town is, but it sounds like a collection of domiciles filled with promiscuous type-A demons.  If I lived near such a place, I would board up my windows, mount a machine gun on my roof, and put up signs that warned tourists to stay away from The Town (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“If “Heat” and “The Departed” had a baby, the result might come close to The Town, a riveting and explosive crime thriller and one of the year’s best pictures.” Boxoffice Magazine Pete Hammond

How does movie copulation work exactly?  I ask because most gangster movies have a macho quality that complicates the situation.

“It’s rare to see an ensemble movie like this, so loaded with talented actors, in which virtually all of them get an opportunity to make an impression. Affleck is the boss and the star, but he knows how to share.” Time Mary Pols

When sharing is the opposite of caring

“The Town is nearly as ludicrous as [Affleck’s] debut Gone Baby Gone — another poison pen letter to Beantown.” Armond White New York Press

So, if you hate a movie that most people like (Gone Baby Gone is at 94% on RT), maybe you’ll hate this one too.

“Affleck shows this is how you f_ck_n’ direct a movie.” Phil Villarreal OK! Magazine

And that is how you fuckin’ c_ns_r for publication.

“The Town is part of a career turnaround so amazing that he [Affleck] looks like the new Clint Eastwood. Seriously.” Caryn James Newsweek

That comment makes me wish I had a time machine so I could go back to when Bennifer starred in Gigli and Daredevil and tell angry movie geeks that one day “Affleck will be the new Clint Eastwood.”  I would laugh and laugh with knowing satisfaction as they beat me silly.  The differences between reality then and reality now is the difference between Alpha and Omega (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Someday they’ll make an animated movie in which carnivorous animals actually kill and eat their prey; until then, we’re stuck with the likes of Alpha and Omega.” Vadim Rizov L.A. Weekly

If the wolves aren’t hunting, killing, or other wolf-activities, how do they spend their time?

“The sexual tension is thick between the woodland creatures in Alpha and Omega, an animated children’s film with a plot that has more in common with “The Blue Lagoon” than “Bambi.”” San Francisco Chronicle Peter Hartlaub

How much sexual tension should be expected?  Would a better title have been Full Moon Lagoon or Randy Bambi?

“Almost totally bereft of surprises.” Steven D. Greydanus Christianity Today

It can’t be too risque if the guy from Christianity Today was bored by its lack of risk.

“It’s an ugly, laughless 3-D cartoon about wolves that is so wussified and stupidified that it’ll bore kids and make their adult minders wish they’d done something comparatively interesting, like cleaning the gutters in the rain.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Or arm-wrestle a crocodile

“A gentle courtship guide for youngsters, “Alpha and Omega” is a free-spirited animated comedy where acrobatic chase sequences, featuring wild wolves, take center stage.” Cole SmitheyColeSmithey.com

If you are uneasy about prescribing an animated courtship guide for your kids, you can bypass the birds and bees with nerds and sleaze in Easy A (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“What this high school morality fable really recalls is “Clueless” — a comedy of very contemporary ill manners drawn from classic literature, an immersion in the young-adult lexicon and a potentially career-making showcase for its lead actress, Emma Stone.” Variety John Anderson

It’d be too easy to assign this movie a grade, instead let’s say its star earns a gold star.

“Emma Stone is crazy good in this – Goldie Hawn in ”Private Benjamin” good, Gilda Radner in good, Shelley Long in ”Cheers” good!” Clint Morris Mediasharx

Constructing awkward sentences to insert pop culture references doesn’t always work so…good.

“Wielding an improbable vocabulary that would elicit a head scratch from Merriam-Webster and possessing a beautiful and expressive face, the 21-year-old redhead [Stone] makes you fall for her hard.” Randy Myers Contra Costa Times

How to look smart while scratching your head

“The ghost of John Hughes smiles upon Easy A, a film that freely and giddily borrows from and pays tribute to Hughes’ famous Holy Trinity of ’80s teen angst comedies.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

I wonder if the ghost of John Hughes sees Molly Ringwald’s path from Breakfast Club to Pretty In Pink echoed in Emma Stone’s move from Superbad to this.

“I’d like to see Gluck and Royal actually study what John Hughes achieved during his short stint in teen cinema before they attempt to piss all over his grave a second time around.” Brian OrndorfBrianOrndorf.com

I wonder if the ghost of John Hughes knows his grave is soaked in urine.  And if so, I hope he haunts those pissers.  Or perhaps he can hire someone to torment his foes.  How about a Devil (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?
“A taut, psycho-supernatural chiller with an elegantly simple premise: Five strangers, trapped in the elevator of a highrise, start to go nuts.” Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) St. Paul Pioneer Press

That’s the film’s summary in words, but let’s go nuts with images for the rest.

“It’s not a great film. But it held my interest throughout and released me at just the right time.” Teddy Durgin Screen It!

Timing is everything

“Shyamalan has instead indulged his moldy sense of protracted mischief, providing pedestrian thrills to fans who’ll see every turn of this feature coming a mile away.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

Pedestrian thrills

“Perhaps someday, in the greatest twist of all, Shyamalan will be remembered as the Hitchcock of the early 21st century. Until then, movies like Devil will be misunderstood as schlock.” The Onion A.V. Club Scott Tobias

The greatest fist bump of all

“A pocket-size supernatural thriller that plays a bit like Agatha Christie’s Ten Little Indians retold by an unstable Sunday School teacher.” Adam Markovitz Entertainment Weekly

King Sheep is a relatively stable everyday school teacher

└ Tags: , , , , ,
4 Comments

Evil Romantics Still Hitting Resident Virgins

by on September 10, 2010 at 5:14 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

When will those pesky romantics leave the virgins alone?  Bullying people based on their romantic proficiency seems pretty cruel, especially since bullying them about their physical appearance or their cooties is much more socially acceptable. And by cooties, I meant their ‘ick’ factor, not the zombie virus nonsense that fills the world of Resident Evil: Afterlife (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Like one of its lumbering undead, this video game franchise is hard to kill. The fourth entry is less about zombie mayhem than about progressing a larger story arc – if anyone still cares.” Joe Lozito Big Picture Big Sound

For those who care, the story follows hero-protag Alice who (in part 1) worked as security for the Umbrella Corporation, until she learned they were evil and responsible for the zombie outbreak.  In part 2 she developed super powers and Umbrella was evil.  In part 3, she learned she was a clone and Umbrella was still evil.  Umbrella is always the villain and the only thing that changes are the films they steal ideas from. Maybe Alice can be a vampire next time.

“Stupid, over the top but a lot of fun and, once again, ending with the promise of yet another sequel.” Alex Zane Sun Online

Resident Evil: After Afterlife?

“It’s boring. It’s derivative. It’s chaotic. It’s a franchise that’s been running on fumes for eight years. With this entry, the fuel gauge has finally hit empty.” Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com

But doesn’t ‘on fumes’ imply that the tank was already empty?

At least with this gauge ‘on fumes’ = a fuller wallet.

“An adaptation which will soon feel decades behind its time.” Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com

Like, in a couple decades?

“Been there, done that, pass the console.” Elliott Noble Sky Movies

If you weren’t there, didn’t do it, and don’t have the console controller yet, just remind them that I’m Still Here (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Is Joaquin Phoenix putting us on? After watching the terrifying, near-brilliant exposé I’m Still Here, in which the Oscar nominee’s public and private unraveling becomes a sick joke, the question doesn’t matter.” Time Out New York Joshua Rothkopf

Then why’d you ask it?

“Whatever their actual intentions, I’m Still Here does take on, at times forcefully and effectively, the pathological fallout of the Entertainment Industrial Complex.” Manohla Dargis New York Times

Is ‘pathological fallout’ just a tactful way of saying that being famous makes people assholes?

“This riveting, dismaying documentary is that cinematic car accident you can’t take your eyes from.” David Noh Film Journal International

An enigmatic car accident

“At times I’m Still Here is as ridiculous as Borat, which certainly adds weight to the naysayers’ arguments, and yet even through the multiple shots of male nudity, drug taking and human desecration, everything feels organic.” Sam Bathe Fan The Fire

I know that labelling vegetables and meat ‘organic’ makes it more desirable, but a film?  They said ‘human desecration,’ but maybe they meant ‘compost.’

“You won’t personally be ridiculed and physically attacked. You’ll just leave the theater feeling like you were.” Christopher Campbell Cinematical

And if you’re a virgin, hopefully the violence won’t be amplified with The Virginity Hit (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Equal parts bold experiment (in sustaining a YouTube aesthetic for an entire film), and shallow redux of well-worn teenage sex comedy tropes.” Andrew Barker Variety

‘Well-worn’ and teenage sex tropes go together like peas and carrots.  Although, in this context, the vegetable metaphor takes on an oddly sexual meaning.  I doubt it wouldn’t have been improved by going together like birds and bees.

“The Virginity Hit is fresh, unpretentious fun, but the comedy is so raw that it will appeal only to those who appreciate this sort of unfiltered peek into the mind of males in their late teens and early twenties.”  ReelViews James Berardinelli

I’d recommend filtering the dirtiest thoughts, but censoring often makes things worse.

“Hilariously chronicles the missteps and triumphs—and everything in between—of four teenage guys in their efforts to get laid for the first time.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

Isn’t that the plot of American Pie?  What other teenage comedies is the movie shoplifting from?

“Crass and vulgar, of course. It’s supposed to be funny, too, but it isn’t…It makes a movie like ‘Superbad’…seem like Shakespeare.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

Our final film wants to make Titanic look like Love Boat, but whether it succeeds or fails is up to The Romantics (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The all-night orgy of stupidity that ensues is so contrived that instead of examining friendships and love, it only made me wish they had all drowned, saving us from 95 minutes of wooden, boring and inconsequential embarrassment.” Rex Reed New York Observer

In reviewing the film, the comparison went from orgies to mass homicide and it was boring?

“(Holmes) fails to deliver requisite laughs to keep the comedy afloat.” Boxoffice Magazine Steve Ramos

The movie isn’t called The Comedians.  It’s all about the romance.

“This is probably not a good movie to see with your fiancée or fiancé.” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com

But you shouldn’t see it with anyone you’re romantic with…so it’s not funny and questionabily romantic.  Is there anything worth praising?

“[It] somehow skirts utter loathsomeness by dint of its elegant camerawork and a few finely tuned performances. I’m not suggesting you run out to the theater and see this, but if it comes on cable someday and you have a big pile of laundry to fold…” Dana Stevens Slate

I hope that praise is on the DVD box.  Recommended as household chore background noise.

“Just in time for hurricane season, this perfect storm of pretentiousness blows into a theater near you.” Matt Stevens E! Online

King Sheep prefers unpretentious imperfect storms.

└ Tags: , , , , ,
3 Comments