Go Machete America

by on September 3, 2010 at 9:38 am
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

I figured we had a long trip around the sun before we saw the return of the summer blockbuster, but this weekend’s releases might deserve some of that solar spotlight.  Movies that straddle the seasons need more luster of summer than funk of fall and a George Clooney spy movie might crank out the proper wattage.  Go big or go home.  That’s the way of The American (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The American ends the summer not with a bang but an existential whimper.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

If The Expendables and Scott Pilgrim were the bang and this is the whimper, then endings are only based on when you stop listening.

“Anton Corbijn’s The American looks and feels like a movie made by a filmmaker who hasn’t been to the movies since the ’70s – and I mean that as the highest compliment.” Movieline Stephanie Zacharek

So the movie is less ‘new and original’ and more ‘like Grandma used to make?’

“If you’re willing to let go of your Hollywood-bred expectations for a movie of this type-spectacular action set pieces, constant pulse-pounding music, a killing every 15 minutes-The American is a great pleasure to watch, an astringent antidote to the loud, frantic action movies that have been clogging our veins all summer.” Slate Dana Stevens

Based on titles, you’d think the cinematic vein cloggers would be Dinner For Schmucks and Salt.

“You’ve heard of “Jason Bourne.” Here’s “Jason Boring.”” James Verniere Boston Herald

Would you prefer James Bondage?

“It’s like being given a connect-the-dots puzzle, only to find out it contains just four dots.” Luke Y. Thompson E! Online

I’m guessing it’s a square.

“The dread in the film is so quickly forgotten. What remains is an urge to fly to Italy, rent an apartment in a medieval city and invent your own adventure.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Liam Lacey

Does the vacation package include the untraceable gun and assassination plot or do those cost extra?  We should invent a story as long as we’re Going The Distance (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“To date, no motion picture has adequately captured the soaring highs and devastating lows associated with a long distance relationship, but Going the Distance comes as close as any movie has.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

I suppose every relationship poison needs a film antidote.

“From the corny ‘see what we did there?’ title to a plot that’s as predictable as a transatlantic flight-path, this is a truly join-the-dots romcom.” James Mottram Total Film

After seeing this, connecting-the-dots looks pretty cool.

“There’s just not quite enough to the movie: not enough jokes, not enough obstacles, not enough sex.” Dana StevensSlate

Does it have enough of anything?

“A relationship movie in which the f-bomb gets dropped about once a minute and the screen is dotted with bare derrieres (male).” Robert W. Butler Kansas City Star

“Going the Distance is a reminder of the sorry state of the rom-com, where gross scenes and easy-to-write trash talk have replaced smart dialogue.” Linda Barnard Toronto Star

Why do I have to choose between witty and shitty?  Fuck it.

“Likely to resonate with a generation of young people to whom “When Harry Met Sally’s” orgasm scene seems downright quaint.”  Boxoffice Magazine Pam Grady

If exploding heads and other action movie killsplosions seem quaint, perhaps you should venture across the border with one hand on a motorcycle throttle and the other holding a Machete (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“It was Rodriguez’s evident intention to make the most tasteless, weirdly cast, wildly irresponsible grindhouse movie of the year, and he’s succeeded.” Gary Thompson Philadelphia Daily News

Fantastic!  He’s succeeded at giving everyone something they didn’t know they wanted.

“In the end, Machete may not be all that original, but it is fresh – fresh as a steel blade to the gut.” Austin ChronicleMarjorie Baumgarten

And it’s original – original as describing a violent movie with a violent metaphor.

“If this kind of selfconscious cinema junk is to be enjoyed, it can only be enjoyed by morons.” Armond White New York Press

Morons, care to respond to Armond?

“Rodriguez emphasizes style over substance, but the sheer audacity of his vision – the energy, the inventiveness, the extremes to which he’s willing to take his gruesome sight gags – is his salvation.” Rossiter Drake San Francisco Examiner

Hallelujah!

“Rodriguez combines sharp satire and timely political commentary with a decidedly B-movie ethos.” Claudia Puig USA Today

King Sheep has an undecidedly B-movie ethos.

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Last Exorcism Takes Century

by on August 27, 2010 at 6:20 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Considering the upcoming roster of fall movies, demon expulsion might be more entertaining.  Perhaps exorcism could be embraced as America’s new favorite pastime. Fathers and sons would toss biblical passages back and forth instead of baseballs and watching a televised exorcism would be like seeing a church-themed mash-up of Criss Angel and professional wrestling. Then there would be movies, books, and crucifix-equipped action figures until the entire trend went the way of 3D and all that’s left is The Last Exorcism (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“A horror film for the Christian fundamentalist set, The Last Exorcism employs the aesthetic of The Blair Witch Project for a musty demonic-possession tale that promotes strict, anti-modern doctrinal faith as the most righteous path.” Nick Schager, Slant Magazine

Of course the story has an anti-modern slant, exorcisms are an ancient practice rooted in ignorance and fortified by religious groups and horror movies.  As far as I’m concerned, Hollywood should stop making movies about possessed people unless the Ghostbusters are in it.

“In its eagerness to deliver familiar genre pleasures, it somehow misplaces its soul.” Noah Berlatsky, Chicago Reader

Did they try looking under the couch cushions?

“A worthy addition to the horror climate.” Nick Nunziata, CHUD

Horror climates are full of unwanted additions.

“Director Daniel Stamm and his screenwriters studiously keep a lid on the proceedings, only letting short puffs of steam escape as the tension mounts.” Kelly Vance, East Bay Express

I’m confused by the steaming tension-pot metaphor.  Is this a case of the pot calling the kettle careful?

“It’s easy to sum up what’s wrong with The Last Exorcism — nothing happens.” Bill Gibron, Filmcritic.com

Nothing sounds pretty careful.

“As taut and economical a horror film as I’ve seen in a long time…a gripping little movie that will give you the willies.” Marshall Fine, Hollywood & Fine

Apparently, nothing will give you the willies.  And speaking of Willies…

“It’s fun and it will have you jumping out of your underpants.” Willie Waffle, WaffleMovies.com

I meant the reviewer’s name, not a trouser snake.  Nevermind.  Spooking the characters from our next movie would have Romans jumping out of their togas in Centurion (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“What have the Romans ever done for us? Raped and pillaged mostly, according to a film that also appears to want us to root for them. Bizarre.” Catherine Bray Film4

There could be some novelty to a Roman underdog story.

“Centurion delivers some large-scale action but plays almost like a Roman-era Western in its depiction of a few soldiers trying to get home alive after the slaughter of their comrades.” The Hollywood Reporter, John DeFore

Everything might have been a Roman/Western if the Romans just kept moving west.

“Who to root for? In the end, that ambivalence is part of the fun.” Brett Michel, Boston Phoenix

Yeah, but their conflict is with the Celts (Picts), which is separated from me by geography and history.  It’s like telling me the results of a Scotland vs. Italy soccer match; I care in the same way that I care about someone else’s winning lotto numbers.

“Really little more than a boys’ adventure tale done in a style more gruesome than most…too intense and nasty to be sheer dumb fun, and too silly and formulaic to be taken for a serious historical epic.” Frank Swietek, One Guy’s Opinion

The intersection of dumb and epic.

“Centurion is certainly atmospheric but the brutality and beheadings make it disappointingly monotonous.” Allan Hunter, Daily Express

A boring number of beheadings?  Do these Centurions just hold their blades at neck-level and yell “Red rover, red rover, send anyone who doesn’t look straight ahead right over?”

“300 perpetuated the myth that the best way to survive life was to either shout at the top of your lungs or fight in slow motion. Centurion simplifies that formula by eliminating the shouting and just gives us the gory deaths, mostly at normal speed.” Adam Lippe, Examiner.com

There are plenty of choice lines that are better shouted, like “Freedom!” and “This is Sparta!” Are the criminal gangsters of our final film willing to turn up the volume on the dialogue?  Any Takers (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?

“A buffet of Gritty Crime Drama clichés that offers no surprises but nothing egregiously stupid, either.” Eric D. Snider, Cinematical

A cliché buffet?  Why not a stereotype smorgasbord, a familiar feast, or some motto munchies?

“Takers might have made a perfectly decent little B heist movie, but someone had to go and forget to give the cameraman his Ritalin.” Ty Burr, Boston Globe

How bad is the shaking?  Are we talking gentle bumps or the frantic mess of an over-caffeinated frostbite victim riding a jackhammer?

“It’s a misfire with a few cracking action sequences, best viewed at home with a mute button safely within reach…looking as though it was shot with a webcam held by someone with severe allergies.” Brian Orndorf, BrianOrndorf.com

Okay, send that cameraman to a doctor.

“Each close-up competes to be the closest, until everything looks like Batman getting dressed.” Graham Killeen, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

If you’re going to be that close, it had better be his good side.

“The logical result of watching Heat over and over and over until your brain burns out, and then wondering what it would look like if the whole thing were remade as a Smirnoff Vodka commercial.” Joshua Tyler, CinemaBlend.com

King Sheep wonders if the re-release of Avatar will out-perform all of this weekend's movies.

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Nanny Switches Lottery Ticket for Vampire Piranha

by on August 20, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Last week, I stated that the summer movie season is over based on the idea that the big-budget blockbusters are in hibernation until the holidays.  However, this week offers several films meant to ease the transition from summer fun into the barren wasteland of fall movies.  There’s a sperm donation rom-dramedy, 3D killer fish, a cheap parody that doesn’t belong in theaters, a light ghetto adventure, and the lovably disfigured Nanny McPhee Returns (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“What we truly need as a society is an Aliens vs. Predators like extravaganza in which McPhee goes nanny-a-nanny against Mary Poppins.” Phil Villarreal OK! Magazine

A nanny battle royale could even use AVP’s tagline: “Whoever wins, we lose.”

“Somewhat silly, yet genuinely sweet, often amusing and pleasantly diverting for everyone young and old. Please be sure to stick around after the end credits for a stinger.” Avi Offer NYC Movie Guru

A stinger missile?  What sort of airborne trouble would necessitate…oh.

Chim Chiminy, Chim Chiminy, Chim Chim Chiree!

“Tell General McPhee we have the target in sight.”

“The ham-handed director was Susanna White, who intercuts compulsively, whether or not anything is happening.” Joe Morgenstern Wall Street Journal

I’m sure the editing isn’t that

“Kid viewers will have fun with the references to barnyard poo, poo of all sorts, poo to reckon with.” Lisa Schwarzbaum Entertainment Weekly

Superscatcanbealittleatroicous.

“It’s a not-completely unwelcome and not-completely terrible sequel, one that actually betters its predecessor.” Jeff Vice Deseret News, Salt Lake City

Those kindish words might be welcome praise for this weekend’s other sequel – the babes and blood craziness of Piranha 3D (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“80,000 gallons of fake blood, extreme violence, gore, terribly cheesy dialogue, legit scares, high tension, porn stars and a wet T-shirt contest all in 3D. Are you sold yet?” Kevin McCarthy BDK Reviews

Not quite, how about a ridiculous claim about the movie’s transformative powers?

“Has plenty of good, old-fashioned blood & guts and the kind of full frontal nudity that’s guaranteed to send young boys into puberty.” Jen Yamato Movies.com

Does that mean it’s in 3-DD?

“The Citizen Kane of killer piranha movies.” Dave White Movies.com

This time around, I hope Rosebud is a jet-ski strapped with water-proof explosives.

Or the Rolls-Royce of Rosebuds.

“Piranha 3D goes for the jugular. And generally misses, but generally in an amusing way.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Missing the jugular gives it a 50/50 chance of generally landing on my face.

“So good-natured in its approach to trashy entertainment that it’s hard to resist the ride. Provided you’re not too busy vomiting in the aisles.” Geoff Berkshire Metromix.com

Given the gratuitous blood and flesh, we need some fangy heliphobics to help clean up.  It’s a good thing Vampires Suck (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Plenty of gags fall flat, but writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer… have tapped the vein more effectively than their norm, with enjoyable details and on-the-mark senseless brutality.” Michael Ordoña Los Angeles Times

It’s moronic, but that was it was aiming for.

“Parodies can be hilarious. This one sucks.” Bruce Demara Toronto Star

Puns can be stupid, if they’re too punny.

Or, if you prefer irony.

“If you’ve ever read a single book — we’ll include Stephenie Meyer — you’re probably better than this.” Nick Pinkerton L.A. Weekly

Gotcha, this movie is not for book readers.

“This is the kind of film that is so bad that you almost wish that it had been shot in 3D simply so that you could just take your glasses off and not have to look at it anymore.” Peter SobczynskieFilmCritic.com

Gotcha, the movie isn’t for movie watchers either.  It’s really that bad?

“So here I am, down on my knees, begging you not to go see “Vampires Suck.” Who knows? If we can get enough people to stay away from the theater, maybe we will finally be able to rid ourselves of Friedberg and Seltzer once and for all.” Adam Tobias Watertown Daily Times

Perhaps Friedberg and Seltzer will give up making movies if they buy a winning Lottery Ticket (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“A ROFL treasure hunt which unfolds like an inner-city variation of It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. What more can you ask for from a ghetto-fabulous, escapist fantasy?” Kam WilliamsTheLoop21.com

But aren’t ghetto’s part of a Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad World?

“A parade of painful ghetto stereotypes, missing every opportunity for satire or meaningful social commentary.” Josh Bell Las Vegas Weekly

Some parades are painfully hard to see.

“It’s just additional proof that those responsible for such horrible films need to win the lottery so that they’ll stop subjecting the masses to such offensive and not particularly funny material.” Jim JudyScreen It!

Instead of cursing filmmakers with enough luck to become rich layabouts, why don’t we just avoid their movies?

“Let’s call it four out of six numbers, with no power bonus. Some payoff, but don’t quit your job.” Tom Long Detroit News

If I’m only going to win enough to keep playing the lotto, maybe I should just pocket the money I was going to spend on the tickets.  Give me a second to consider The Switch (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“The Switch is so incredibly aptly named, not simply for its plot, but for the fact that it offers what appears to be a somewhat raunchy romantic comedy and instead hands you a touching, charming, well written story about fatherhood and love.” Matthew Razak Examiner.com

Should they have called it Bait & Switch?

“So unimaginative and formula-driven…that it seems entirely to have been hashed out by executives over a long lunch.” Jay Antani Moving Pictures Magazine

A suit says “give me the cream,” and after someone says “that’s what she said,” another executive says “hey, there’s a movie in that.”

“It would be nice to argue that the good outweighs the bad in The Switch, but it’s a wash.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

When you put good and bad in the wash together is it gad or bood?

Either way, it sounds ruff.

“Squeezes fresh laughs out of what is, in essence, a rather startlingly post-Freudian, nature-trumps-nurture view of child development.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

For curiosity’s sake, has anyone tried making a pre-Freudian nurture-trumps-nature view of adult retardation?

“The film offers few — make that no — surprises. What almost saves it is the acting.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

King Sheep is never – make that often – surprised by what critics say

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Pray Expendable Pilgrims Eat The World

by on August 13, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

I missed several films last week and I intend to miss them again.  You see, I have something called trigger finger which makes typing a little painful. As a writer, it forces me to make sure I have something worth saying, which might be a challenge considering that my process usually involves writing down everything I can think to say, then choosing the most amusing option.  If I had nothing but the time and inclination, I would do review roundups for several films that looked interesting.  Luke Wilson starred in a movie about porn Middle Men (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic), and few critics Flipped (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) for director Rob Reiner’s latest coming-of-age story.  Joel Schumacher directs 50 Cent in Twelve (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) and Elijah Wood and John Hurt hopefully aren’t the victims of The Oxford Murders (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  Perhaps these options will sound better on DVD/Netflix, because this weekend marks the end of summer movie season with a trio of powerhouse films.   First up, an indie comic favorite gets the big screen adaptation in Scott Pilgrim Vs the World (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Feels like the first movie aimed squarely at the gamer generation: those who have grown up with videogames as a fact of life and, in some cases, a reason for living.” Marshall FineHollywood & Fine

The gaming facts of life include important lessons like when in doubt, hit every button, autosave often, and save the big guns for the big monsters.

“Edgar Wright is cinema’s most inspired mash-up artist, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World may be his finest hybridization to date, a romantic comedy recast as a mêlée-heavy video game.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

Do mash-ups improve the more disparate the genres?  If so, it won’t be long before someone puts together a mash-up of puppets and bloodbath action.  Wait, that’s already happened.

From the director of The Lord Of The Rings

“”Scott Pilgrim” devotes itself so firmly to re-creating the look of O’Malley’s saga that it forces and fumbles the feel, full of (indie-rock) sound and (kung-fu) fury, (emotionally) signifying nothing.” James Rocchi MSN Movies

However, the reviewer used Shakespeare to criticize it.  Not such bad company.

“It’s supremely annoying to see the ups and downs of romance reduced to archer-than-arch line readings and bloodless mortal kombat. What’s more frustrating is that the film, adapted from Bryan Lee O’Malley’s popular comic, is an endless visual delight.” Time Out New York Keith Uhlich

Sounds like you enjoyed seeing it, even if you didn’t enjoy watching it. Let’s check in with the country’s angriest critic.

“Wright’s speed and humor are authentic and irresistible. Let’s hope that’s not all his admirers see.” Armond White New York Press

Surprisingly, Armond liked it.  However in his praise, he hopes haters don’t see it.  How did the film win over the ultimate hater?

“Like an animatronic kitten that won’t leave you alone, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World wins its audience over on adorable persistence.” Moira MacDonald Seattle Times

To Protect, Serve, and Cuddle.

Or perhaps you’d prefer to Eat Pray Love (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Roberts has taken a role that could have been played very stereotypically (lonely divorcee’ searches for love and the secret of life) and breathes life into it.” Michael A. Smith Nolan’s Pop Culture Review

So, she’s Dr. Frankenstein and the movie is the monster?

“Though targeted to the same female filmgoers who flocked to the self-realization via food porn of “Julie & Julia,” EPL is a comparative downer, letting viewers experience the rush of self-improvement without having to do any of the work. I cried. Mission accomplished?” L.A. Weekly Karina Longworth

Copy that.  We have tears.

“The film never ventures, even once, into a situation that does not reek of comfy familiarity.” The Hollywood Reporter Kirk Honeycutt

The reek of comfort?

“Glibly portrays selfishness as a life choice, ranking gluttony on a par with finding God and a life partner.” Peter Howell Toronto Star

Okay, but of the title’s three options, only one is a daily requirement

“Mostly it’s the pleasant company of Julia Roberts that makes Eat Pray Love a benign, sometimes soporific slide into femme fantasy — a less vulgar shopping trip than Sex and the City.” Kathleen Murphy MSN Movies

Or, if you prefer a more vulgar version of Rambo, consider joining The Expendables (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“When it gets around to the righteous fightin’ and killin’ bits, The Expendables more than delivers on its promise to be the manliest movie ever made.” Jen Yamato Movies.com

If the manliest thing I do is drink beer,  what will I get out of this movie?

“A throat-slashing, elbow-dropping, grenade-throwing, trigger-pulling, and limb-dismembering good time.” Peter Hall Hollywood.com

Yep, still prefer a cold one.

“When it isn’t bad Shakespeare, this throwback 80s action movie… is like what we might see if Solider of Fortune magazine decided to get into the business of pornography.” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

Solider of Fortune also provides house decorating tips.

“Fathers, don’t let your sons grow up without The Expendables.” Joshua TylerCinemaBlend.com

Unless you want your boys growing up with respect for human life, then skip it.

“Expendables is the closest thing to movie Viagra yet invented. It’s reprehensible. It’s stoopid violent. It’s a lot of unholy fun.” Ty Burr Boston Globe

King Sheep isn't sure he wants a movie feeling stiff for four hours.

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