Love Bending Eclipses Last Twilight

by on July 1, 2010 at 11:39 am
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

This week offers a funny set of firework options.  There’s the 3D special-effect-laced kung-fu sort, the supernatural kissing kind, and the brothel biopic explosion-of-the-pants variety.  So, regardless of whether you prefer entertainment for your eyes, your heart, or your crotch, this weekend has something for you.  First up, the critics employ word-fu against M. Night’s The Last Airbender (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Where to start with this one? How about this: If any movie ever warranted a class-action lawsuit against the filmmakers, it’s The Last Airbender.” Keith Phipps AV Club

Considering a class-action lawsuit is a collective lawsuit brought by a large group of people (like all people who paid to see it), the movie must be toxic for your eyes to deserve a lethal dose of legal venom.

“Let’s just be honest: M. Night Shyamalan is an idiot.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Lucky for him (and many Wall Street and oil execs) being an idiot isn’t against the law.

“The Last Airbender is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

It’s so bad that current forms of language and communication are limited in explaining its badness.

The best way to fake success is to not measure anything else.

“The picture drags along the ground like a fresh corpse, treating its own myth as homework and the participants as burdens, while feeling around a fantastically wasted world of weathered environments and ornate set design.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

The movie progresses with the speed and momentum of a corpse?  So, notsomuch.  At least the movie is in 3D, so the corpse looks real and lifelike.

“Even in 3D, [it’s] one-dimensional.” Jason Zingale Bullz-Eye.com

In cases of bad 3D, the studio should refund audiences for two unused dimensions.  This class action premise is starting to come into focus.

“This colossal folly, the fiasco of the summer of 2010 — gives us all a ringside seat at the sight of Mr. “I See Dead People’s” career gurgling down the drain.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

If watching the director fail is more entertaining than the movie, perhaps he should change his name to M. Night Schadenfreude.

“Who would have thought Shyamalan would come up with a movie that makes his Lady in the Water look positively sensible?” Christopher Kelly Fort Worth Star-Telegram

Probably not the executives who coughed up the $150 million budget.  However, poor critical reception doesn’t always correspond to financial performance, as demonstrated by the newest installment of the nigh-invulnerable franchise Twilight: Eclipse (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


Most reviewers address the film in the context of the series, which means that “of the franchise’ will be a common expression.  The spectrum ranges from:

“This is definitely the worst installment of the franchise to date.” Noah Berlatsky Chicago Reader

To:

“The first two movies were mediocre, but “Eclipse” represents one of the more astonishing upgrades in movie franchise history.” Richard Roeper Richard Roeper.com

Racist Transformers: An astonishing franchise downgrade

“The most troublesome blow is the archaic message of a girl who will abandon everything for a boy – friends, mother, father and even her soul. This is a character whose only identity is her boyfriend; Bella Swan sets women in film back fifty years.” Clay Cane BET.com

If she continues that trend for the series finale, she might rewind gender relationships all the way back to the birth of vampires.

“With the bigger story and more fully developed relationships than the previous films, this is the first Twilight film that feels like a real movie in its own right.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Liam Lacey

Seven hours of film, $500 million dollars profit, and a legion of screaming Twihards, and it’s finally a movie?  Congrats.

“Bella Swan, you two-timing Tessie!  Must every great love story take the shape of a triangle?  Couldn’t we get a rectangle or a trapezoid?”  Clint O’Conner Cleveland Plain Dealer

A better geometric expression of Bella's cross-species PDA would be a Gömböc.

“‘Eclipse’ has a little more, uh, meat than the previous offerings in the ‘Twilight’ series.” Linda Cook Quad City Times (Davenport, IA)

And if you like, uh, meat euphemisms, perhaps you should head over to the Love Ranch (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A tawdry look at the early days of Nevada’s legalized brothel business that plays more like Lifetime fodder than the Martin Scorsese pictures that serve as its model.” Variety Peter Debruge

In case you wanted to know what it would look like to have a mob thriller made by the Oxygen network.

“What happens when the worst tendencies of a poor screenplay are exaggerated by labored and unimaginative direction?” Andrew Schenker Slant Magazine

Answer: The producers assume that storytelling and entertainment are less important than showcasing a few great actors.

“Just another tawdry soap opera, tarted up with bigger names in hopes of lending it unearned legitimacy.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

To be fair, the film’s stars earned it a place in this roundup.

“There’s no flash, no sizzle, no surprise. Just beefcake and cheesecake, served on a plastic plate.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger

Who knew beef and desert belonged together?

“The kind of unabashed embarrassment that should send people to their attorneys to see if there’s any legal way to get it removed from their pages on IMDB, Wikipedia, and the like.” Brian Tallerico Movie Retriever

Another movie that inspires people to call their lawyer?  Thankfully, there isn’t a precedent for suing movies out of existence…that I know of.

“Mirren maintains her class throughout Love Ranch. She may deserve another Oscar just for keeping a straight face while reciting a ridiculous speech about the Donner Pass tragedy on her way to a tryst with her character’s lover.” New York Post Lou Lumenick

King Sheep hopes you don't keep a straight face when reading these roundups.

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Dog Knight Grows Tooth

by on June 25, 2010 at 1:26 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Or, if you prefer the visual version:
Armored dachshunds wouldn’t be most military strategists’ first pick for infantry, but they might make a workable cannonball in a pinch. The difference between mutt missiles, bowwow bombs, and other weaponized household pets and the modern approach to warfare is the difference between Knight and Day (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“In the end, Knight and Day isn’t really about much of anything besides having a good time or perhaps the meaning of Tom Cruise-ness in the universe.” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle

Far and Away, in the Days of Thunder, Tom Cruise was Born On The Forth Of July, but the Legend of Tom Cruise began with Top Gun Taps and a Firm Cocktail. However, it’s an (Impossible) Mission to always have All The Right Moves and eventually Scientology and couch jumping made him Risky Business and dropped him from Hollywood’s list of A Few Good (leading) Men, but Cruise keeps cruising through Collateral from The War Of The Worlds and Minority Reports of Tropic Thunder with the mindset that if it looks like the Vanilla Sky might Rain (Man), just keep your Eyes Wide Shut.  If you aren’t a fan of title finagling, the meaning of Tom Cruise-ness = The Color Of Money.

FTW!!!

“Cruise is thrown into many sticky situations, with legions of trained assassins surrounding him on all sides, but he never once suggests that things aren’t entirely under control. It’s profoundly boring to watch a hero without weaknesses; after all, even Superman has Kryptonite.” The Onion (A.V. Club) Scott Tobias

I just spent a paragraph describing how ‘legendary’ Tom Cruise is and now you add that he’s tougher than Superman?

“Cruise, for his part, can still dependably produce unlimited quantities of Tom Cruise-ness, a natural resource undiminished and virtually unchanged since its discovery in 1983. The question for the 2010 audience is whether we have any use for it anymore.” Dana Stevens Slate

Tom Cruise-ness = easyobtainium

“A motorcycle chase through the streets of Spain during the running of the bulls is a great idea. A motorcycle chase through the streets of Spain during the running of computer-generated bulls is not.” Rene Rodriguez Miami Herald

Consider that logic applied to another example: A group of men battling a giant shark is a great idea, a group of men battling a giant robotic shark is not. If you are condemning the special effects as the deal breaker, you’re blaming the messenger rather than the message.

“The premise is tired, the tone doesn’t exactly work, and I honestly still have no idea why it’s called Knight and Day.” Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com

At first, I assumed title = characters, but they are named Roy and June and their last names don’t relate to solar cycles.  Should a confusing title be cause for concern?

“If you can settle into its odd, low-key groove, I think you’ll find it’s a light pop beverage that goes down easy during one of the lamest blockbuster summers in recent memory. My parents are really going to like it.” Mike Russell Oregonian

It used to be the norm, but now ‘for parents’ is part of the sales pitch.  Of course, that assumes that your parents are Grown Ups (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“While Sandler has never trafficked in epigrammatic wit, there’s a difference between, say, Billy Madison’s “Of course I peed my pants–everyone my age pees their pants” or “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry’s” shakedown of hetero squeamishness, and this lazy stuff–the difference between smart-dumb and plain-dumb.” Village Voice Nick Pinkerton

Regardless of whether it’s smart-dumb or plain-dumb, there’s one consistent word that lets you know what you’re getting.

“Beneath all the forced hilarity lies an awful fear of aging – and Sandler is only 43! This is gonna be rough.” J. R. Jones Chicago Reader

Now that I think about Sandler’s man-boy movies (Billy Madison, Click, Funny People, etc), they all deal with aging.  Does the fear of running out of days validate a carpe diem mindset and translate to knee-slapping audience laughter?

“Adam Sandler spends more time laughing at jokes than making them in Grown Ups, perhaps the slackest, shabbiest comedy in the star’s increasingly dreadful oeuvre.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

They say laughter is contagious; perhaps Sandler wasn’t sick enough.

“It’s one of those Sandler movies where the inevitable Steve Buscemi cameo passes for the highlight.” Nick Pinkerton Village Voice

In case this post shares a similar fate, here's the requisite appearance.

“No plot and all punch lines, like a timing-impaired comic who sets up his one-liners with one-liners.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

On the bright side, I suppose it’s better than following your set up with another set up.

“Grown Ups is a pleasant, genial, good-hearted, sometimes icky comedy that’s like spending a weekend with well-meaning people you don’t want to see again any time real soon.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

Ben Franklin once remarked that fish and house guests begin to stink after three days.  In this case, 100 minutes might be more than audiences can handle.

“The only people humiliated, really, are older people and heavy people and nerds and vegans and black people and mothers who breast-feed their 4-year-olds. Everybody else gets a pass.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Watching rich comedians make fun of others is one option, but if you’d rather make fun of power-tripping Greek patriarchs and the children who live with them, perhaps you’ll enjoy Dogtooth (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“How perfectly perverse: In a summer crammed with sequels, remakes, ’80s nostalgia and the frustrated sense of “What else y’got?” comes the most original nightmare in years.” Joshua Rothkopf Time Out New York

In case your dreams (and summer movie options) were boring, consider upgrading to a new nightmare.  However, I’m basing my nightmare expectations on the title and the poster, so what am I leaving out?

“Marking [Director] Lanthimos out as a great talent to watch, Dogtooth is a bold and unsettling mini-marvel that first sneaks up on you before biting you to the bone.” Pamela Jahn Electric Sheep

Thank you, my nightmare is coming into focus now that I’m afraid the film will eat me.

“Horror and cold humor commingle in Dogtooth, a Greek import whose screenwriters approach scenario construction like misanthropic social scientists planning an experiment — one whose result suggests that governments might want to rethink policies allowing parents to home-school their children.” The Hollywood Reporter John DeFore

At least they warned us.

“A black-comic poem of dysfunction, a veritable operetta of self-harm, this brilliant and bizarre film from the Greek director Giorgos Lanthimos is superbly acted and icily controlled — it grips from the very first scenes.” Peter Bradshaw Guardian [UK]

“The most original, challenging, and perverse film of the year so far, Giorgos Lanthimos’s artfully rigorous treatise on human conditioning can be viewed as absurdist horror or the cruelest of comedies.” Village Voice Aaron Hillis

This film must come from a conflated creative realm to be an absurd, cruel, brilliantly bizarre, dysfunctional horror comedy operetta.

“Suffice to say that we won’t be seeing an American remake of this one any time soon.” Scott Weinberg Cinematical

King Sheep would rather see a Greek remake of Grown Ups than the American version

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Almost There…

by on June 22, 2010 at 11:52 am
Posted In: Blog, Uncategorized

The official release of “The Adventures of the Princess and Mr. Whiffle” inches ever closer, and already people seem to be digging it.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t Google the book title and browse anything newly written about the book.  I also won’t deny skimming through each article looking for mentions of my own name before going back to the top and giving it an honest read.  I’m resisting the urge to set up a news alert on “princess” and “mr. whiffle.”

Am I a closet megalomaniac?  Time will tell.  All that’s certain for now is I’ve developed a thing for drawing stuffed animals.

Princess and Mr. Whiffle - Miss Moo

"Yes, Miss Moo, I'll have another spot of tea."

And now a humorous snippet of convo from earlier this morning:

“My friend’s new car is so awesome!  She could talk on her phone through the radio because the car had sunk-up with it.”

“Sunk?”

“Yeah, y’know.  It had synced with it.  But synced doesn’t sound right.”

So there you go, Urban Dictionary.  The past tense of “sync” is “sunk.”

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Inside Story: Jonah Cyrus Hexes Killer Toy

by on June 18, 2010 at 12:17 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

If Jonah Cyrus was a real person, this title could start an internet rumor.  Why does he hate this toy so much?  Is it ‘killer’ awesome or a ‘killer’ choking hazard?  Does jinxing plastic amusements warrant news coverage?  I love the idea of starting a foolish, but non-threatening, fabrication.  For example, did you hear that Eddie Murphy and the Jonas Brothers were going to star in a Jaws remake?  Did you hear that Nicolas Cage was planning on doing a one-man performance of The Magnificent Seven?  I even heard the next Pixar movie was going to done completely with puppets.  Although, still no word on whether there’s a fuzzy teaser before Toy Story 3 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A stunning, heartfelt and tremendously entertaining third entry that lives up to the standards of one of the best movie franchises of all time.” Hernán Alcerreca V Music

Leave it to Pixar to exorcise the trilogy curse.  From now on, people can no longer assume that the numbers after the title are inversely proportional to quality.

“Toy Story 3 continues Pixar’s unique tradition of sending grown men out of the theater pretending they’re not crying.” Gary Thompson Philadelphia Daily News

Just tell everyone the visual stimulation was too much for your eyes and they were ‘sweating.’

“Toy Story 3 is a salute to the magic of making believe.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

A salute to the magic of half-assed salutes

“On a scale of one to ten, Toy Story 3 goes to infinity, and beyond.” Scott A. Mantz Access Hollywood

As long as we’re making up ratings that are unrelated to their scale, I give that review a diarrhetic turtle.

“Toy Story 3 is the rare kind of film that, were it a human being, would be your best friend.” Peter Hall Hollywood.com

Okay, but that means its release date is its birthday.  Do I have to buy it a present?

“Locating a winsome blend of peppy ensemble adventure and nostalgic reflection, Toy Story 3 is the type of film adults might goad their just-as-eager children into seeing again.” Brent Simon Screen International

Hey kids, stop reading and playing outside!  Let’s eat ice cream for dinner and go see Toy Story again!  And as long as we’re discussing maturity-impaired parents, how would you react if you met the woman of your dreams, but you had to fight for affection against her son?  That’s the premise of the domestic dramedy: Cyrus (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“[Directors] Jay and Mark Duplass inch closer to successfully infusing comedy-of-awkwardness with pained pathos in Cyrus, a big-studio mumblecore hybrid of Mr. Woodcock and the Martin Short-Charles Grodin vehicle Clifford.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

It’s a big studio, low budget, believably painful awkward comedy mumblecore.  For a movie that seems hard to classify, it doesn’t help to compare it to two movies nobody saw.

“Cyrus cues us to expect it to go over the top, but the film never does. That may be its neatest trick.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

The trick is that it goes through the middle?

“Despite their weird interrelations, these mismatched folks do seem like people you might know for real, the players in another of life’s random acts of kinkiness that help to keep our curious species fresh and interesting.” David Germain Associated Press

A random act of kinkiness.

“Step aside, Sophocles. This Oedipal story is funny!” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

Sophocles and his Greek tragedy should hit the road because nothing says comedy like incest and betrayal.

“Although the film is labeled a comedy, it hovers on the dark side in so many shadows that it is rarely amusing. Yet it never has the courage to fully explore the havoc a real Oedipus complex can wreak on the lives of real adults.” Rex Reed New York Observer

Get back here Sophocles.  However, if you are longing for darkness and tragedy, there is plenty to be found with the Killer Inside Me (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The Killer Inside Me may be the darkest film noir ever made.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

That’s a dubious honor.  But then again, now that Oedipus is jolly, perhaps everything is open to reinterpretation.

“This withholding actor’s (Affleck) impish smile and mild, pale-eyed stare–not to mention the Clintonesque hoarseness with which he spins his convoluted lies–are sufficiently convincing to keep The Killer Inside Me from being just a steamy, stylish, punishing bloodbath.” Village Voice J. Hoberman

All that keeps the movie from being a pointless bloodbath are Affleck’s smile and a stare?  Couldn’t I just look at the poster to get that effect?

“The poster is stronger than any image in the movie.” J. Hoberman Village Voice

What does it mean if the book cover is scarier than the movie poster?

“This movie is so staggeringly violent and stomach-souring disgusting that when it screens, it is occasionally greeted with boos and almost always accompanied by massive audience walkouts. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” New York Observer Rex Reed

While that review gives me pause, I would expect the ‘darkest film noir ever’ to cause ill will among some theatergoers.

“The violence isn’t the problem. It’s the rest of the film that’s not quite right.” Robbie Collin News of the World

Okay, aside from a creepy Affleck and some slightly-too-effective violent noir techniques, what’s the deal?

“As much The Kisser Inside Me as anything else, the film endlessly alternates between redneck raw sex involving well, bible belts as erotic female necktie foreplay, and elaborate slaughter. And a torture porn carnage inflicted on oddly forgiving females.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

Uh, while I’m trying to sort out that collection of criticism, let’s switch from modern day cowboys who are ugly-on-the-inside to supernatural confederate cowboys who are ugly-on-the-outside with Jonah Hex (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Hex has a direct line to the cemetery, able to unearth old acquaintances for some good old-fashioned catch-up time. Whoa, pardner … is this paranormal activity or merely Facebook, circa 1876?” Kimberly Gadette Indie Movies Online

On the old west Facebook, de-friending was done with a shotgun.

“Jonah Hex somehow manages to waste the talents of Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Michael Fassbender, Will Arnett, Aidan Quinn and Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a story that combines vengeance, the occult and an Old West war on terror (really).” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

I’m curious about how the War On Terror became historical neighbors with the Civil War.  Does the film argue that magic and the occult could help find Osama Bin Laden?  Does the 1876 US government use smoke signals to communicate the terror threat level?  Did all of this happen because Al Qaeda took a time machine back to the old west?

“Brolin is so damned good in the saddle, in the hat and in the part that a half-sober viewer could half forget how half-arsed this movie he’s starring in is.” Orlando Sentinel Roger Moore

Riders of the half-bike should be half-sober, halflings, or half-arsed ass hats.

“Compelling plot and character development get lost somewhere between explosion No. 1 and explosion No. 78, but the film certainly satisfies the popcorn quotient for summer cinema.” Tyler Hanley Palo Alto Weekly

You’d think it would be hard to get lost with explosions for landmarks.

“Everyone seems to be sleepwalking through this film. Except for Megan Fox, who is such a terrible actress that she couldn’t even act like she’s sleepwalking.”Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

It’s not Fox’s acting that draws pubescent boys into the theater, it’s the promise of her wearing a corset.  On the slopes she’d be a snow bunny, but in Hollywood terms, she’s a dough bunny.

“Jonah Hex is a good performance and a few good lines buried in a script whose authors should do a little time in writer’s hell for scribbling it.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

King Sheep hopes to avoid writer's hell by typing instead of scribbling.

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Movies and Birthdays

by on June 14, 2010 at 10:05 pm
Posted In: Blog, Uncategorized

The latest Coming Distractions represents our own little “season finale,” the end of a story arc which has taken the two of us 10 whole months to complete.  Most of that was due to my own frakking laziness.

Took in “Get Him to the Greek” a little while back with Pat and Sarah in town, which is always a recipe for both mirthful giggles and cerebral conversation.

We each had to donate a pint of blood to get into the theater — actually, that’s not a very good metaphor these days since it implies a measure of selflessness. Three years ago, paying 8 bucks for a matinee felt like robbery but without the decency of having a gun involved. When I forked out $10.50 to see a movie last Saturday afternoon, it was like being molested by a hairy S&M fetishist with body drandruff.

Honestly, it’s like movie theaters are taking their cues from the airline industry: charge more, provide less. Is a comfy chair with a retractable drink-holder really worth that much?  It would be different if they still sent around ushers with their lightsaber flashlights to make sure the young father sitting behind me in “Iron Man” kept his five-year-old son quiet, but they’ve cut back on that unnecessary expense in order to pay for more 3D screens.

So, thanks, Regal Cinemas. That’s probably the last chunk of change you’ll get from me.

A few weeks ago was my birthday celebration, and the craziest thing I did involved this place:

Sky High Sports

Please attempt wall-running at your convenience.

Sky High Sports is the name of the place, and it’s basically a trampoline warehouse.  There was the above seen giganimous field of interlocking bouncy mats, a foam pit with gut catapults, and two dodgeball courts, also floored with jump juicers.  It had probably been 15 years since I stepped onto a brain bouncer, and I earned that back in mat burns within the first 5 minutes.  All said, it was a world-class flashback to younger days, which is exactly what half of a birthday celebration should be.

As incredibly fun as that was, the next part of the night was where things got really good.

Our next stop was called The Spot Off Main, a nice-looking billiards bar in the Old Town part of Bellevue.  There we sat, talking, drinking and shooting pool.  It wasn’t until we’d been there for almost three hours that Becky spotted this on the wall:

Spot Off Main Wall

What's that ya say?

That was pretty much it for me.  One quick trip to the counter for a box of chalk, and I found myself drawing (of course) Simon.

Simon on the Wall

He got into a fight with a lawn mower.

Too big, as it turns out.

Then the manager comes up to me and says, “You’re good!”

“Thanks!” (the music was really loud).

“Hey, I’ll buy you and your friends a round if you give me a big WSU Cougar head up there where no one can get at it!”

“Okay!”

WSU Head

WSU is within the house.

That’s just below the ten foot ceiling, so I was up on a stool drawing it, and while the logo might not be exactly right, I feel I captured the spirit of the beast.  Now the Spot Off Main joins Sella’s Calzone & Pizza as places where you can see my art on display. That did a great job of reminding me how great it is to be older, which is exactly what the other half of a birthday celebration should be.

In the same vein of birthdays and art, and as a little something to give the Google crawlbots a reason to send traffic our way, I recently did a piece of art as a birthday present for the venerable King Sheep.

Dr. Horrible

He also has a Masters in Awesomeness.

Fleece out.

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