Team Karate Bone

by on June 10, 2010 at 10:41 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Hollywood has launched a sequel assault on American audiences.  After advancing the franchise forces (Sex in the City 2, Shrek 4, Iron Man 2), Hollywood is employing a remake maneuver with a double shot of 80’s pop culture nostalgia.  First up, the modernization of super-violent, but not-super-bloody, mercenaries for hire: A-Team (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

I remember an episode of the show where the team MacGuyver’ed a pair of swivel-mounted AK-47’s behind the front grill of their van.  During a battle with baddies, the grill drops and two machine guns open fire.  Miraculously, no one gets hit.  It was as if everyone in the show was doused in bullet-repellent.  In making the film, the creators had to strike a balance between fans of the violent, but wholesome, ridiculousness of the original while adding the explosions of blood and fire that are expected in modern action films. One notable fan already has a bad attitude.

“People die in the film and there’s plenty of sex but when we did it, no one got hurt and it was all played for fun and family entertainment. These seem to be elements nobody is interested in anymore.  It was too graphic for me. I’ve no doubt it will do big business at the box office but it’s nothing like the show we turned out every week.” Mr. T

Should I pity the fools who made the movie?

“Carnahan’s movie doesn’t take itself seriously at all, which adds to the lightweight charm of what is essentially Charlie’s Angels with balls.” Andrew Hedley Flicks.co.nz

I wonder if anyone called Charlie’s Angels “The A-Team with boobs.”

“The pyrotechnics should please the guys in the audience looking for mindless summer fun. And for the women… Cooper has his shirt off early and often. And he’s clearly been to the gym.” Christy Lemire Associated Press

Heads up for oglers of sweaty man candy.

“It’s temping to say that you’re better off not thinking about the plot and how tenuously it all holds together. The truth is, you’re better off not thinking at all.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic

Got it. Put your mind in neutral, turn off the ignition, and zzzzzzzzzz.

“The A-Team is a truly awful film, both script-wise and visually — but if you go in knowing this, the experience is almost fun.” Beth Wilson Trespass

A crafty marketer could condense that review to “awfully fun.”

“Disposable yet superficially satisfying, just like the ’80s.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

80's nostalgia makes this awesome

And as long as we’re taking a dip into the era of Bananarama summer cruelty, let’s crane kick some bullies with The Karate Kid (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“There is the impression, deadly to the sense of fun, that the talent here actually thought they were remaking a classic.” Village Voice Nick Pinkerton

Sweep the leg Johnny.  Catching a fly with chopsticks.  Wax on, wax off.  The cultural impact makes it a classic, not just the film’s quality.

“Given the dreck we’ve seen this summer, it’s nice to be reminded of the virtues of clean storytelling and cultural curiosity.” Time Out New York Joshua Rothkopf

I'm culturally curious to see more Chinese illusions

“The kids in the movie, from musicians to marital artists, are unusually skillful, and Smith seems assured of more starring roles. By the end of The Karate Kid, we can’t help cheering, even when we know we’ve been sucker-punched.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

Why is the film bullying the audience with sucker punches?  Do we need to whip up a training montage?

“…the movie fails to recognize that our understanding of bullying has significantly changed since 1984.” Josh Larsen LarsenOnFilm

Isn’t that why the movie takes place in China, where advancements in bullying are decades behind the U.S.?  Modern American bullying happens on Facebook.

“Jaden Smith is destined to be a star by the force of will (and wallets) of parents Will and Jada Smith, both producers on The Karate Kid. But he’s also got the raw material.” Boxoffice Magazine Amy Nicholson

Jaden Smith's raw genetic material

“There are worse things than marveling at beautiful cinematography and excellent fight choreography, and witnessing the acting rebirth of Jackie Chan.” Katey Rich CinemaBlend.com

Worse things include: Small pox, crotch rot, and Hillbilly crime noir, but only the last thing appears in Winter’s Bone (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Gothic in tone, and unapologetically downbeat, “Winter’s Bone” is a film that turns over a rock of backwoods American reality and studies the beautiful and ugly things that crawl there with equal interest. It’s the strongest drama of the year, so far.” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com

I’m not sure the “strongest drama of the year” point is supported by the “it’s like turning over a rock and looking at bugs” analogy.

“Noir may be the MSG of genres — a little pinch makes almost any film tastier — but does it work for Ozark gothic drama? Yes.” Shaula Clark Boston Phoenix

Possible logo for the Cooking with Noir Channel

“Winter’s Bone so far past any notion of formula or precedent that comparison is a futile exercise. This film is a thing all its own.” Boxoffice Magazine Ray Greene

Okay, but if you had to compare it to another film…

“The temptation to call Debra Granik’s latest film, Frozen River Jr., will be great. But the longer the buzz builds for it and for Jennifer Lawrence’s star-making performance, it will become abundantly clear that this is the Senior of the two films.” Erik Childress eFilmCritic.com

Frozen River Jr.  Winter’s Bone Sr.  The parody could be Arctic Nutsack the III.  Let’s end with a metaphor.

“Winter’s Bone sometimes feels like a haunted house, where only extreme deference to scary people will save you.” Joshua Rothkopf Time Out New York

Alternate title: Conversations With Myself

King Sheep can think of one scary person who deserves a kick in the arctic nutsack.

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Greek Killer Spliced To Marmaduke

by on June 3, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Poor Marmaduke.  But then again, perhaps Marmaduke is doing all right.  After all, is there a greater compliment to a character than to be reborn like a phoenix for a new generation?  Although, one person’s rebirth is another’s cash reward and this summer is littered with cash in sequels and unnecessary remakes, as Remarmaduke will demonstrate later.  First up, a pseudo sequel in the same way that U.S. Marshals was a pseudo sequel to The Fugitive because Tommy Lee Jones returned even if Harrison Ford did not.  The same happens here as Russell Brand reprises his Forgetting Sarah Marshall role as rockstar Aldus Snow, but don’t expect to see Jason Segel or Kristen Bell make any appearances.  Oh, and just because Jonah Hill is in both movies, doesn’t mean he’s the same character.  That’s your background on Get Him To The Greek (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“This wild, unrestrained roller coaster ride of vulgar, demented debauchery is – so far, as of early June – the funniest movie of the year.” Susan Granger SSG Syndicate

Five months down, seven to go.  Although, I’d wait to count that rubber chicken.

“A giddy Diddy turn aside, this wildly uneven comedy doesn’t travel very far.” Michael Rechtshaffen Hollywood Reporter

Dancing to a giddy ditty

“It strikes an entertaining balance between the predictable and freewheeling, between being conventional and outrageous…What transpires gives fresh meaning to ‘sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.'” Boxoffice Magazine John P. McCarthy

How about procreation, intoxication, and having sexual intercourse?  Note: Sex appears twice because “Rocking and Rolling” used to be slang for “the horizontal mambo.”

“Goes for the heartstrings by way of the rectum and feels sorely uneven as a result.” William Goss Orlando Weekly

"Where are those darned heartstrings? I can't see anything in here."

“Mind you, the film’s problem isn’t necessarily its message; it’s the way such easy-bake sermonizing, handled with a dull touch, reveals the phoniness of the story’s have-it-both-ways strategy, one in which we’re asked to enjoy naughtiness but also tsk-tsk its wrongheadedness.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

Sounds like a person telling you to avoid high fat diets while eating a Double Down.  Also expressed as: ‘Do as I say, not as I do.”  It’s a sort of double think that probably exists in the minds of mad scientists as they manipulate science into twisted new creations, or at least that’s my clumsy segue into the premise of Splice (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Brody and Polley, two intelligent actors (neither associated with the genre) anchor this well-produced sci-fi-horror-thriller, which plays with timely ideas (DNA) and smartly emphasizes the creature’s erotic-sexual dimensions.” Emanuel Levy EmanuelLevy.Com

Interesting.  The premise doesn’t sound far off from Species, in which scientists genetically recreate an alien, procreate with it, then get annihilated by it.

“If you’ve seen Species, you know where this don’t-mess-with-Mother-Nature horror show is going, though director-cowriter Vincenzo Natali has a few interesting twists up his sleeve.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

Luke had a few clicks up his sleeve.

“Flashy and entertaining, but nothing special…You willingly suspend your disbelief – but you won’t be proud of yourself for doing it.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

But if I don’t suspend my disbelief, what else am I supposed to do with it?

“Genre-savvy monster movie approaches Midnight Movie zone without abandoning the mainstream.” John DeFore Hollywood Reporter

That could have been the sales pitch.

“It’s a refreshing change from run-of-the-kill horror. Nothing in Splice feels done merely for the moment — it’s to creep you out later.” St. Petersburg Times Steve Persall

Delayed gratification may be behind this summer’s influx of sequels and remakes – people keep waiting for an old idea to seem fresh again.  And even when creators aren’t developing movies based on theme park rides, board games, and comic books, they experience a cruel and unfortunate piece of bad luck.  It happens when a new idea hits more than one person at the same time.  Remember how Armageddon and Deep Impact both came out in the same summer?  Or Wyatt Earp and Tombstone?  Or Volcano and Dante’s Peak?  Instead of apocalypse scenarios and western revisionism, the newly duplicated ideas of this summer both look like copies of James Cameron’s True Lies.  The premise: A good looking spy/assassin teams up (and steams it up) with a hot action newbie to battle international bad guys.  At the end of this month, the spy/babe combo are Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz in Knight and Day, but this week it’s Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl in Killers (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Unfortunately, even though it comes out tomorrow, there are no reviews available for Killers.  When movies have a critical blackout before a film’s release, it’s the cinematic equivalent of pleading the fifth; you replace telling people you are bad with suspicion that you are.  In the absence of reviews, I will let the film’s promotional material speak for itself.

“[S]he (Heigl) and Spencer (Kutcher) are newlyweds living the ideal suburban life – that is, until the morning after Spencer’s 30th birthday when bullets start flying. Literally. It turns out Spencer never bothered to tell Jen he’s also an international super-spy, and now Jen’s perfect world has been turned upside down. Faced with the fact that her husband is a hit man, Jen is determined to discover what other secrets Spencer might be keeping – all the while trying to dodge bullets, keep up neighborly appearances, manage the in-laws…and work out some major trust issues.”

Since you are the jury, your suspicions are your business.  However, if you’re curious about a dog’s business, you’ll probably see plenty of it in Marmaduke (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Staple of newspapers since 1954, leaving the producers over 50 years of canine antics to help build a screenplay. So, naturally, they invent a series of urine and fart jokes to best service the enduring legacy of the rascally Great Dane.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

If the urine and fart jokes are funnier than this, I call that progress.

“No animals were used, and no humans were entertained in the making of this movie.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Since no animals were used, none were harmed.  It’s a shame the same can’t be said for theater goers.

“If you like the comic strip, now in its 56th year, maybe you’ll like it, maybe not. Marmaduke’s personality isn’t nearly as engaging as Garfield’s. Then again, if personality is what you’re in the market for, maybe you shouldn’t be considering a lip-synched talking animal comedy in the first place.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

In the genre of lip-synched talking animal comedies, having ‘less personality than Garfield’ is pretty damning.

“The flea-bitten screenplay seems to have been plucked from the wastebasket of recycled ideas and rewritten by someone whose third language was English — after Danish and Dog.” Joe Williams St. Louis Post-Dispatch

How do you say in Dog: "do these jeans make my butt look fat?"

“”Beverly Hills Chihuahua,” we owe you an apology. Among talking-dog movies, Marmaduke is the runt of the litter.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

King Sheep wonders how long before another talking dog movie out-runts them both.

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Dead Prince Survives Sex

by on May 28, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

This week offers a grab bag of (typically) genre fair.  Normally, a week that featured a video game movie, another entry in a zombie franchise, and a chick flick travel adventure would be seen as a great reason to stay home and avoid the movies.  However, star power and massive budgets force this week’s entries into the mainstream and the result is that you should probably stay home and avoid the movies.  Sorry to burst that bubble of hope.  If you had the dagger of time, you could rewind time and save yourself the mood spoiler just like the video game protagonist from Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A ditzy film that offers more evidence that good actors, good action and one-liners don’t solve the one thing missing in every movie video game adaptation — a story that makes sense.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

That’s the elephant in this virtual room.  Story is low on the list of video game priorities because plot, characters, and dialogue are less important than immersive graphics, enjoyable levels, and an in-game camera that doesn’t kill you more than the bad guys.  In most mediums, (TV, movies, comics, etc) story is an essential component – not so in games.  Foundational works of Western literature (from Homer to Shakespeare) wouldn’t exist without a story, but the foundational works of video games are Asteroids and Pac-Man and the motivation of triangle space ships and eyeless yellow chompers doesn’t matter as much as being fun enough to keep you feeding quarters.  When you read a book you are told a story, in a game, the player can create their own story.  But that’s why there’s a story hurdle for all video game movies – did this one fare any better?

“Taking little from the award-winning game series, this coasts by on its Saturday matinée charms and the likeable leads’ love-hate chemistry.” Jamie Russell Radio Times

Wow, modern daycare is hard core.

“Bruckheimer’s passably enjoyable, antiquity-themed epic should satisfy its young male core demographic well enough, but won’t connect with other auds on the level of Bruckheimer’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise.” Variety Leslie Felperin

Would it help if Jake Gyllenhaal acted like a drunk pirate who was as bright as a lamp in Aladdin’s cave?

“While it’s beautifully shot, well performed and undoubtedly fun to watch, it all feels somewhat soulless; calculated to tick every blockbuster box rather than to create something new and original.” Chris Tilly IGN Movies UK

The blockbuster checklist includes unnecessary explosions, forced romance, and a climatic battle in which the villain is impaled, exploded, or both.

And don't forget merchandising.

“Daft dialogue and silly costumes, sword fights and death-defying stunts, breathless chases and slithering snakes. Nonsense but entertaining nonsense.” Allan Hunter Daily Express

I wonder if that critic stared at ‘slithering snakes’ and tried to think of a more exciting adjective before dismissing the word tinkering with “it’s all nonsense anyway.”

“It’s like two hours of July 4th fireworks, only with flying swords and sandstorms, and raging battles and mystical palaces rising out of the desert.” Betsy Sharkey Los Angeles Times

There’s a July 4th firework that involves flying swords?  For my sake and the sake of all curious kids, I’m glad it exists only in the mind’s of movie critics.

“So convoluted that its protagonists have to regularly stop and shout out what “must” be done to ensure all the 10-year-olds in the audience don’t get hopelessly confused.” Andrew Pulver Guardian [UK]

Fear not gentle reader, I must continue mocking modern movies and the people who review them. Next up, George Romero adds another zombie movie to his resume: Survival Of The Dead (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A slight, self-aware fable in which a pair of feuding families, a quartet of AWOL National Guardsmen and a mess o’ ravenous zombies mix it up on an isolated Atlantic-coast island.” Maitland McDonagh Film Journal International

If I was self-aware during a zombie movie, I’d wear nothing but chain mail and SWAT armor and I load myself up with anything that fires projectiles.

This should be mandatory for all zombie fighters.

“At long last, the Dead series may be ready for that final bullet between the eyes.” Chicago Reader J.R. Jones

That shot would be easy to make with the helmet howitzer.

“The energy clearly isn’t there anymore. Survival of the Dead is graceless and shoddy, making zombie killing, the sport of kings and nerds, actually difficult to sit through.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

Is fictional monster hunting the sport of kings and nerds because modern kings and action-ready nerds are practically fictional too?

“Survival of the Dead never comes alive.” Joe Williams St. Louis Post-Dispatch

Does that mean the dead don’t survive?  How about a spoiler warning next time?

“A polished, fast-moving, entertaining picture whose mainstream success will depend on audiences’ tolerance of its tendency to become an abattoir of extreme carnage.” The Hollywood Reporter Ray Bennett

Our final film is an abattoir of extreme capitalism: Sex And The City 2 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Sex and the City 2 isn’t a feature film as much as it is consumer porn. The audience is not asked to relate to the characters, or at least what we remember of them, as much as to their shoes, their bags, their apartments, their couture, their stuff.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

It’s an advertisement for the financial elite, but is it capitalist catharsis to savor someone’s surplus?

“The film might have triumphed as a musical: camp, virtually plotless, and liberally sequined. But sadly this sequel is not Sex and the City — it is Menopause in the Desert, and a waste of four great characters.” Kate Muir Times [UK]

If the film really was called “Menopause in the Desert,” this roundup’s title would have been Dead Prince Survives Menopause.

“The “Fab Four’s” dramadies continue for the audiences who love them. Trouble is the surrounding story and its supposedly fun sojourns are as embarrassing as granny panties.” Boxoffice Magazine Sara Maria Vizcarrondo

Really? BTW - Is it more embarrassing to wear them or to stare at them?

“The tagline states that we should ‘Carrie on.’ The publicity dept. almost got it right, but the spelling’s off. It needs to be ‘Carrion’ because nothing says putrefying, rotten and vile quite like this sequel.” Kimberly Gadette Indie Movies Online

Zing!

“A miscalculation of feminine power so extreme that our country’s threat level should immediately be raised.” Erik Childress eFilmCritic.com

Holy shit!  Before any Fab Foursome Fans start hyperventilating, what’s the upside?

“Disposable, glitzy fun lacking depth or staying power, Sex And The City 2 is the cinematic version of karaoke: a giddy, silly hoot best enjoyed in tipsy groups.” Jane Crowther Total Film

King Sheep wouldn't mind being the blog version of karaoke.

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