"Alice Fine?" Brooklyn Wondered

by on March 6, 2010 at 12:07 am
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

“To quote Yogi Berra, it’s déjà vu all over again.” The Onion (A.V. Club) Nathan Rabin

I begin with this quote because it sums up both of this week’s releases.  Johnny Depp stars in the biggest movie (and the one most likely to take Avatar‘s spot as the 3-D movie option at the multiplex), but it is based on a story that’s been remade more times than a Las Vegas hotel bed.  And the starting quote was meant for the second movie: Brooklyn’s Finest (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) because the theme/story/actor are similar to the director’s previous cop movie (Training Day) and the tale of three cops involved in a uncover drug operation sounds too much like a TV movie.  So, with two options before us, I’m reminded of my (and my Dad’s) favorite Yogi Berrism: When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

“Here, due in large measure to a highly derivative screenplay, the director allows several reckless, unprofessional cops drive the movie into utter nonsense.”  The Hollywood Reporter Kirk Honeycutt

New plan: Don’t let the reckless, unprofessional cops drive.

“Other than a few dashes of humor managed by Hawke, the movie is relentlessly bleak and barbarous, Fuqua grinding viewers down through his cavemen-with-badges depiction of police work.” David Germain Associated Press

They can’t all be Gieko salesmen.

Some are already badges

“Antoine Fuqua is a master of this kind of anxiety — much like his acclaimed Training Day, there are moments so nerve-racking one is actually afraid to look directly at the screen.” Sara Vilkomerson New York Observer

“The title Brooklyn’s Finest is drowning in irony, of course, but Fuqua’s moves are less obvious: His film is classical and gritty, his violence makes you want to duck and run.” Philadelphia Inquirer Steven Rea

Watching this film will make me so anxious I’ll either stare at the floor or bolt for the door.  What’s the incentive to see this movie?

“A melodrama about three cliches in search of a bloodbath.” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle

Is it a happy ending if they find it?

Are these arc-bound animals sailing towards a happy ending or someone's stomach?

“By stepping up his game, Fuqua’s gone from his usual bullcrap to horsehockey.” Armond White New York Press

If stepping up turns bullcrap into horsehockey, backing up must land him in cowshit.

“It’s built of rigidly interlocking calamities, and the movie revels in the cartooniest details of street life.” Lisa Schwarzbaum Entertainment Weekly

Speaking of cartoon details, they appear in abundance throughout Tim Burton’s trip down the rabbit hole: Alice in Wonderland (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Carroll purists and freshman English majors may be aghast at the change in story, but for those who watched “Avatar” and marveled at the images but were left wanting by the wooden acting and tired story, “Alice” is a treat.”  Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

Carroll purists will remember that the cakes in the story said “Eat Me” and made people huge.  A Carroll impurist would wonder if the cake=huge connection was a veiled comment on the perils of sweets leading to obesity.

“Tim Burton, plus Alice, plus 3D equals an unforgettable, one-of-a-kind movie experience. It will clean up.” Boxoffice Magazine Pete Hammond

Wow, it even cleans the theater?  This 3-D technology is even more impressive than I realized.

However, we should all fear weaponized 3-D technology

“For all its clever design, beguiling creatures and witty actors, the picture feels far more conventional than it should; it’s a Disney film illustrated by Burton, rather than a Burton film that happens to be released by Disney.” Variety Todd McCarthy

That’s okay.  It already was a Disney film illustrated by Disney.  Deja vu?

“Here’s a riddle: What’s Alice in Wonderland without wonder? It’s a beloved character landing in the rubble of wrong-headed revisionism.”  St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

Wrong.  It’s Alice in Land.  Or is that another wrong-headed revision?

“A bona fide, bums-in-the-air fiasco that needs to be burned and the ashes hurtled off in the direction of the nearest black hole as soon as you can, NASA.” Robbie Collin News of the World

If it’s as bad as you say, do we really want to send it into space as an ambassador for Earth?  Then again, Depp’s make-up and hair might keep invaders away.

The Reverse-Rushmore: Another bums-in-the-air fiasco.

“Tim Burton’s version of Alice in Wonderland is a succession of fantastically gothic pranks–noisy, exhausting, and under-realized, but also frequently dazzling and frightening.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

Both of this week’s films are described as exhausting?  So much for finding escapism at the theater this week.

“Kids will drool at Burton’s spectacle – grown-ups too – but they might also find this isn’t the nostalgia trip they hoped for. Where’s the bottle marked ‘Feel Me’?” Stella Papamichael Digital Spy

That sounds dirty.  But if that bottle exists, it’s right next to a donation jar that reads “Pay Me.”

“It might be time for Johnny Depp and Tim Burton to start thinking about seeing other people. Alice in Wonderland, their seventh film together, is so thoroughly soul-deadening and laborious that the prospect of an eighth collaboration feels like the sword of Damocles.” New York Observer Christopher Rosen

Wow, what was that earlier comment about English majors?  For the unititatied (and I’m one of them), the Sword of Damocles is the Greek legend of a man who experiences being king for a day and while he enjoys the pleasures of sitting on the throne, he quits when he sees that a sword always dangles over the king’s head (literally in this case, figuratively the rest of the time).   The reviewer’s comparison here implies that even the possibility of Sleepy Hollow 2, would be like having Edward Scissorhands dangling Batman-style over his head?  I think I just talked myself into more confusion.  And rather than continue this Sisyphean task of holding up the criticism of critics to be criticized, let’s leave gravity to deal with the rock and go enjoy our weekends.

PDJ says this roundup is over when it's over.

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Defend Crazy Cop Handkerchief Art

by on February 26, 2010 at 10:26 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Indeed.  We should all defend crazy cop handkerchief art because if we don’t, who will?  Who even knows about this hitherto unknown art form?  Let’s paint a picture with an example.  What would happen if a retired cop who moonlighted as a handkerchief artist donated his collection to a school with the caveat that none of the art ever be sold?  While your first thought may be “who cares about handkerchief art?” or “what the hell is handkerchief art?” you might care if it was worth something.  And if there was a hanky craze in the art world, would the collection be protected when it turned out to be worth several million dollars?  Believe it or not, this hypothetical is true, except the retired cop should be replaced with a man named Dr. Albert C. Barnes and the handkerchiefs are really a collection of Post-Impressionist and early modern art and the collection isn’t worth millions, it’s worth billions.  The art was originally viewed as “horrible, debased art” (not unlike current views of handkerchief art) and Barnes left instructions in his will that the collection be used for education and never sold, even though it is now valued at more than $25 billion dollars.  The whole affair is explored in the documentary: The Art Of The Steal (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“”The Art of the Steal” is a well-researched and fascinating look into an endemic raping and pillaging of culture exacted with an erroneous idea that “culture is industry.”” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com

If we didn’t treat culture as industry, we’d have to treat it as sacred or divine and there’s no money in that.

“This insider look at art world shenanigans and politicking is both fascinating and scandalous.” Jennifer Merin About.com

Discarded tag line: These art shenanigans will leave you scandalized.

This art leaves me fascinated

“The film can be dry and a little repetitive. For all of that, it still manages to generate a surprising measure of suspense and it produces outrage in abundance.” Boxoffice Magazine Pam Grady

Dry, suspenseful, repetitious outrage.  Repetitious.

“We in audience leave the theater debating whether in this case, stealing was actually merited.” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

When critics describe the deeds in the film as raping and pillaging, scandalous, and outrageous, I’m inclined to say that even if the stealing has merit, it wasn’t right.

“A well-researched story about the most recent art-world fleecing, this “documentary” will appeal to those interested in what the cultural elite do to amuse themselves.” Maria Garcia Film Journal International

Comic books have already answered that question: they don costumes, slap on gadgets, and descend upon criminals as shown in Defendor (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


This mini-genre of cheap superhero fun (The Specials, Special, no relation) has told more compelling stories about superheros than many of its big-budgeted counterparts (Daredevil, Fantastic Four). I expect this one will be equally inventive.
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“Some of those far more lavishly budgeted superhero movies could learn a thing or two from this little movie that could.” Pam Grady Boxoffice Magazine

I thought it could.  I thought it could.

“I liked this character and I found his story very moving and yes, it is funny, just not in the way that you may expect.” JimmyO JoBlo’s Movie Emporium

I usually expect ‘funny’ to come from ‘jokes,’ should I be expecting less-obvious humor?

“Stebbings fills Defendor with humorous bits, comic treats dropped in quickly and without fanfare. It gives the movie a proper pace, well punctuated with laughs at the right time, and outrage and sympathy at others.” Linda Barnard Toronto Star

A comic treat dropped in quickly with mild fanfare.

“Defendor is more a refreshment of a genre than a transcendence of it. But thanks to Harrelson, you’ll be a believer.” James Adams Globe and Mail

What am I believing in again?

“Harrelson is a master at keeping his character real.” Liz Braun Jam! Movies

Really?  For real?  You’re not trying to Cop Out (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?

“It feels like an homage to a period best forgotten, just a chance for all involved to sell out and cash in with a crude comedy that reminds us how bad these particular ”good old days” were.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Ah, the old bad good days.  Couldn’t forget them.

“While the plot is as flimsy as a hooker’s halter top, it’s buoyed by two actors with attitude and timing.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

Did that sound like a backhanded compliment?  You know, where it sounds like a compliment, but feels like an insult?  Here, he could be saying that the actors have an unspecified demeanor and showed up on time.  Okay, that was more of a shoulder-punch compliment – playful, sometimes painful.

Painful play

“Smith’s staging, composition, editing and humor mark him as utterly incompetent.” Armond White New York Press

Armond just delivered an anti-compliment.

“Willis looks content here with punchlines and weapons, giving more of a John McClane performance here than he offered in the last Die Hard picture. Morgan goes supernova broad, but it’s an appealing tornado of spastic distress.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

As long as I’m coining phrases, let’s call that a gentle headbutt.

“The Willis-Morgan team is about as on point as four legs with the ankles missing. The sequel will undoubtedly star Adam Sandler and Chris Tucker.” Rex Reed New York Observer

I can’t tell which actor is being ‘upgraded’ in that suggestion.  And let’s ignore the grotesque image of runners with permanently-rolled ankles painfully slap-flapping their feet down the…Whoops.  Sorry.  Any parting constructive criticism from the nutty pea gallery?

“This alleged action-comedy is flatter than a tortilla in a panini press…C’mon, Kevin Smith, quit smoking weed and write a new movie of your own.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

He should consider a movie about four lost souls on a journey through the South: The Yellow Handkerchief (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?

“No movie nominated for an Oscar this year boasts acting as fine as The Yellow Handkerchief.” Armond White New York Press

After mocking Silent Bob, Armond disses this year’s best actor nominees. Armond is a master of toxic kudos.

“Kristen Stewart is the selling point, of course, but this idyllic road trip through post-Katrina Louisiana is mostly a showcase for William Hurt — too infrequent a big screen visitor, at least in roles of such layered quietude.” Brent Simon Shared Darkness

Layered quietude?  I’m not the only one making shit up.

“A thoughtful, niche-oriented portrait of four off-the-beaten-path characters trying to find their way.” Variety Peter Debruge

How do we know if we’re in the proper niche?

“Taking time off from vampire infatuation but still into Native male magnets, Kristen Stewart does a snobby sexpot, while the bayou weepie conjures a relentlessly alien place where crocodiles, snakes and eccentric when not unhinged redneck humans roam free.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

Not-unhinged-redneck-humans and Twilighters are the niche?  Problem is, I’m not convinced Stewart’s much of an actress/movie star.  And until her fame is validated, she may as well be a chocolate toaster.

Or a chocolate teapot

“The film plays like “The Notebook,” if James Garner’s character had been convicted murderer [sic].” Larry Carroll MTV

Most readers of these round-up’s probably wouldn’t wrestle with the issue I just faced.  I used [sic] to denote that this was the original author’s words and that he left out an [a] in his review.  Because I teach English, many people assume that I am a badge-carrying member of the grammar police.  This is not true.  If I were, I would be tempted to coin a horrible catch phrase, ie. “Con-ju-get on the ground!”  But I digress, because I couldn’t resist the clarification, I’ve just been deputized.  Grammar-book ’em Danno!

Or, do I just sound nuts?  In which case, I’ll have company with The Crazies (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Built for one purpose only: to scare the crap out of you. Which it does, regularly and effectively. Don’t go expecting anything deeper — or anything less.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

This film was built to scare the crap out of me, regularly?  I hope he was being more figurative than literal.

“The Crazies is the kind of horror movie you can enjoy being scared by.” Todd Gilchrist FEARnet

I wont enjoy myself if there’s a chance I might poo myself.

“This remake of a 1973 chiller is unlike almost every horror remake on the planet in one key way — it’s really good.” Robbie Collin News of the World

“I greatly prefer this cleverly sustained and efficiently relentless remake to the ’73 edition. It is lean and simple.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Ze original

I always enjoy hearing that a film is better than an original I’ve never heard of.  Uh oh.  I just used hyperbole in a sentence ending with a preposition followed by a fragment.  I’m experiencing composition complications.

“The Crazies is a perfectly competent genre film in a genre that has exhausted its interest for me, the Zombie Film.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

But I thought this movie differed from most zombie movies because the threat isn’t flesh-eating, but C-r-A-z-Y.  If it were just another zombie movie it would be called the undead-flesh-eaties or something.  Sigh.  I’ve got nothing left.

“Gets that intangible feeling of primordial dread from out of your nightmares and onto the screen.” Jordan Hoffman UGO

PDJ is glad it's intangible

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Ghost Tears Shut Island

by on February 19, 2010 at 11:30 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

It appears to have happened.  The first (arguably) ‘good’ movies of 2010 are here, and Celine: Through the Eyes of the World isn’t one of them, just in case you were wondering.  Instead, this is the first weekend where most of the releases range from ‘mediocre’ to ‘pretty decent.’  Horray for progress!  The coming weeks of spring will bring us buddy cop comedy (Cop Out), remake horror (The Crazies), and whimsical 3D adventure (Alice In Wonderland), but this week’s turn towards quality begins with a pair of thrillers from famous directors and a half-animated dramedy.  Since you have to wait for ‘not terrible’ to become the new ‘average,’ we begin with the movie most likely to appear in your local multiplex.

Martin Scorsese directs Leonardo DiCaprio as a federal marshal who investigates an insane asylum, but ends up experiencing some haunting visions in Shutter Island (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The spirit of Alfred Hitchcock is clearly alive and well, and is currently residing in Martin Scorsese’s latest film, Shutter Island.” Wendy Ide Times [UK]

Holy crap, the movie is haunted by the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock?!?  I wonder if my roundup title needed a spoiler warning.

“The work of a master at his height. This is Scorsese flexing his muscles and cracking his knuckles and making a movie that’s intense and thrilling and engrossing and beautiful and dense.” Devin Faraci CHUD

Do you really like using ‘and’ or does CHUD stand for Commas Hurt Understanding Dude?

“The plot doesn’t so much thicken as curdle with every heebie-jeebie encounter — we’ve taken a U-turn at the terrific Cape Fear and wound up at Cape Folly.” Tim Robey Daily Telegraph

So the name of the game is making tame insults out of Scorsese movies.  Did you consider a similar joke about how the American remake of Infernal Affairs (The Departed) should have been Deported?  Or that Taxi Driver is Taxi Drivel?  Perhaps this whole idea is just Raging Bullshit.

Wii all love Scorsese

“A remarkable high-wire act, performed without a net and exploiting all the accumulated skills of a consummate artist. It dazzles and provokes. But since when did Scorsese become a circus performer?” Kirk Honeycutt Hollywood Reporter

You state that he does a high-wire act without a net, then ask when he became a circus performer?  My guess: When you labeled him one.  Also, making flimsy connections then asking goofy rhetorical questions is my shtick.  Back off.

“Martin Scorsese’s sure hand directs this thriller with the precision of a brain surgeon and the grace of an artist.” Andrew L. Urban Urban Cinefile

That must be nice.  I write with the precision of an A-Team villain and the grace of a drunk elephant.  And speaking of writers, our next film examines what happens when an author is given the task of chronicling a dubious politician’s life in Roman Polanski’s Ghost Writer (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A stylish, precise salute to Hitchcock’s thrillers but still bearing all the hallmarks of Roman Polanski’s distinctive style.” Fionnuala Halligan Screen International

Back-to-back Hitchcock references?  I think he just rolled over in his grave.  However, given his resume, he probably did it to creep us out.

“Ghost Writer suggests a game of chess played delicately and with great precision.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

“All credit to a finely tuned Brosnan for packing so much intensity and wayward wit into his scenes with McGregor. Their verbal duels make for a dazzling game of cat-and-mouse.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

In case you were wondering, I play both chess and cat-and-mouse like a drunk elephant.

But I doubt I'm as cute as this wobbly pachyderm

“What the picture most needed was a complete cinematic rethink and, yes, even some action to move it along.” Variety Derek Elley

All it needed to do to achieve success was start over and blow something up.

“As with most political thrillers, The Ghost Writer emphasizes plot development and atmosphere over action. It’s an “adult” thriller as opposed to one designed for viewers suffering from ADD.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

Who are these ADD audiences that you are ooh curse word coming up.

“Saved by often delightfully bitchy British dialogue.” Village Voice Nicolas Rapold

Do Brits ever praise American writers for their delightfully bitchy American dialogue?  Is it the accent that makes it delightful?  What does witty dialogue save a political thriller from?  Perhaps these questions can be answered by the psychedelic family dramedy Happy Tears (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

As the poster implies, this movie blends live action and animation as it explores the childhood memories of the two female protagonists (Demi Moore and Parker Posey) who return home to deal with their aging father (Rip Torn).

“Realism falls victim to quirk yet again.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Quirk kills realism?  If that’s a never-ending battle, I figure realism has an upper hand just because death is real.  It seems like quirk would paint flowers on realism’s face then dance around before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

“A contradictory creature, both insightful and dumb, sometimes innovative and sometimes just plain inept. Dreamy, funny but also weirdly disjointed, it’s as if the very film itself were stoned, just like its two pot-smoking sister protags.”  Variety Leslie Felperin

I didn’t know a movie could get stoned.  That could be a frightening concept if it got munchies and tried to eat the audience.  Woah.  How is that not a movie already?

“Lichtenstein dutifully unpacks the family’s unhappy past, but he’s so easily distracted by surreal dream sequences and colorful supporting characters that his main story gradually dries up into a sitcom.” J. R. Jones Chicago Reader

Perhaps it’s good that the main story takes a back seat to quirkiness, especially if the story isn’t as interesting as the pot-smoking psychedelic weirdness.

Who prefers weird to routine - Show of hands?

“Happy Tears is a complete mess of a movie, but Lichtenstein conjures some sweet moments and striking metaphors — and none more striking than Posey’s $500 boots, which look either black or blue, given the available light.” Noel Murray AV Club

It’s a mess, but did you see those boots?  When the reviewers reduce the entire movie down to the fashion of a particular scene, it’s time to move towards wrapping this up and getting on with our weekends.  Final word?

“Continuing both his bad filmmaking and obsession with lethal orifices, Mitchell Lichtenstein follows up “Teeth,” his clumsy debut about a dismembering vagina, with a voluminous explosion of poop.” Village Voice Melissa Anderson

PDJ guarantees all of his orifices are non-lethal

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Wolf Lightning Day

by on February 12, 2010 at 11:53 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Yay!  It’s Wolf Lightning Day!  Whatever the hell that is.  All I know is this week we trade the ‘crap’ of mid-winter movies for the ‘pap’ of late winter releases.  It’s like receiving an Orlando Bloom poster as a belated birthday present.  Sure, you’re happy to get a present, but what do you do with it?  It’s made for public display and it’s terminally out of style.  Given the upcoming holiday, a better example would be getting a lame and/or impersonal present for Valentine’s Day (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  What would you do with a Costco tub of chalky sweethearts?  Or a broken (but supposedly easy to fix) vacuum cleaner?  Or an unused ticket for last weekend’s Superbowl?  These items barely have enough value to be put up on the worldwide yard sale of eBay.  If I were given one, I wouldn’t be sure if it was a gift or an inside joke that I don’t get.  Such items aren’t Valentine’s gifts, they are Valentine’s whiffs!  Can I get a ‘hell yeah?’

“As gooey and lacking in protein as a chocolate holiday bonbon, Valentine’s Day plays like a feature-length commercial produced by the Friends of the Valentine Promotional Society.” Variety Todd McCarthy

That was more of a “hell meh,” but it’ll do.

“Aggressively unfunny and unromantic, Valentine’s Day’s chief concern appears to have been the corralling of its cast of a thousand stars; it seems far less attention was paid to what to do with that cast once assembled.” Austin Chronicle Kimberley Jones

Claiming a “cast of a thousand stars” doesn’t sound as exaggerated when you see the list of who’s in the movie: Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jennifer Garner, Shirley MacLaine, Bradley Cooper, Ashton Kutcher, Topher Grace, Patrick Dempsey, Jamie Foxx, Queen Latifah, Taylor Lautner, George Lopez, and Taylor Swift. If you have all this star power and a shameless holiday tie-in, maybe an engaging story and believable characters aren’t necessary after all.

“Makes you hate the day. Isn’t Garry Marshall (76) too old for a fluffy romantic comedy for teens? Lots of stars get paid for 3 days of easy work.”  Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com

Hey, that cast of overpaid actors slaved over this project for 3 whole days, can’t we all afford to donate 2 hours to their efforts?

“Light your money on fire and watch it burn. It will have an equivalent entertainment value and you’ll save on gas, parking and snacks.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

Couldn't they have used a smaller bill for this demonstration?

While this looks like it might be fun (as long as it’s someone else’s money), what about all the young couples who are looking for a dark place to make out this Sunday?

“It’s a romantic piffle stuffed with so much candy that your skin could break out.” New York Observer Rex Reed

Nothing says teenage romance like a bad case of acne.

“Cliche piles upon cliche in this tepid comedy.” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

So, we’re better off stopping to smell the roses instead of paying attention to who’s grass is greener?  Anyone want to sum up the experience of watching a movie devoted to our country’s most lovingly commercial holiday?

“This is probably how it feels to be strangled with a candy necklace.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Who knew that violent death would be something that Valentine’s Day has in common with Wolfman (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?

“You know a horror film’s in trouble when the morning-after scene is more satisfying than the ‘night before.'” Steven Snyder Techland

Night-before/morning-after scenes are another thing romance and horror movies have in common.

“The Wolfman constitutes a pleasant surprise, if “pleasant” can be used to describe a brooding $100 million-plus diversion with this many beheadings and eviscerations.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

I don’t think “pleasant” is the word you’re looking for.  When discussing expensive amusements that involve the removal of people’s heads, perhaps “loathsome” or “odious” would be more appropriate.

“Del Toro gives his least mumbly performance in years, Blunt provides the film with a little heart and Hopkins delivers the laughs.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Humor?  Check.  Heart?  Check.  Mumbles?  Not present.  Scares?

Boo.

“While The Wolfman has some really proud moments, ultimately it feels like a Franken-film… In short, when the Wolf Man wasn’t ripping off people’s heads — it was unbearably boring.”  Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

That review certainly lives up to the name of the publication.  For those of you who are eating while reading, I apologize.

“There’s more emotion in the monster’s howls, which were created by a baritone opera singer, than in Del Toro’s monotone mutterings.” David Germain Associated Press

Hold on.  You’re blaming a movie for having a stunt howler?  That doesn’t seem fair.  We don’t criticize stunt butts when actors use them.  Or at least, we only criticize the choice, not the butt.

“Congratulations Universal – you made Van Helsing 2.”  Todd Gilchrist H Magazine

Ouch.  That review feels like a silver bullet to the heart.

“In any event, The Wolfman makes a satisfactory date movie for Valentine’s Day, which is more than can be said for Valentine’s Day.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

Well, if we’re ranking the movies most likely please filmgoers this weekend (assuming they are willing to see something that doesn’t involve snogging), the numbers say you’re better off with the offspring of the Greek Gods: Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

It seems like the question plaguing critics is: does this movie have too much in common with other young adult fantasy franchises?  For every Harry Potter, there is a Golden Compass.  For every Twilight, there is a Cirque De Freak.   Is this story the beginning of something new or just the newest thing?

“Whether audiences will get behind The Lightning Thief is hard to predict. Overall, it’s an entertaining introduction to a promising new world — but will the consuming shadow of Potter be too big to break free of?” Ben McEachen Sunday Mail (Australia)

Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to figure out.  Let’s start from the top.  Is it a concept that today’s kids can get behind?

“A fantasy adventure that fuses Greek mythology to contemporary American places and values. Anyone around 15 (give or take a couple of years) will thrill to the visual spectacle.”  Andrew L. Urban Urban Cinefile

So, the closer I am in age to the protagonist’s, the more likely I am to enjoy it?  That’s okay for your target audience, but most of us have been waiting for a good movie since New Years.

“Percy Jackson isn’t a great movie, but it’s a good one, trotting out kernels of Greek mythology like so many Disney Channel references.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic

Do kernels of Greek mythology become the popcorn of the Gods at some point?

“Director Chris Columbus has fun with this goofy premise, but as always I am distracted by the practical aspects of the story. Does it bother the Greek gods that no one any longer knows or cares that they rule the world? What are the genetic implications of human/god interbreeding?” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

An implication of human/god interbreeding: The reverse mermaid

“In Columbus’ hands, it once again all breaks down into a series of rushed, breathless special-effects setpieces, in a thrill ride that isn’t headed anywhere new.” The Onion (A.V. Club) Tasha Robinson

But we don’t pay for thrill rides because of their destination, the joy is in the journey.  I suppose the most important question should be, is the journey worth taking?

“What’s really lacking in The Lightning Thief is a genuine sense of wonder, the same thing that brings viewers back to Hogwarts over and over again.” Ethan Alter Hollywood Reporter

I wonder what makes wonder genuine.  A few years ago I heard about a Potter lawsuit involving the Books of Magic graphic novels which featured a boy wizard with glasses and a pet owl.  The problem with the lawsuit was, the Books of Magic were published first.  The existence of something similar doesn’t have to make the wonder less genuine.  Novelty doesn’t necessarily indicate quality.

Key difference: Harry Potter rides a Nimbus 2000, Tim Hunter rides a NASH

“Slavishly follows every rule of the kids’ fantasy franchise genre, but it’s a well-executed and imagined world. Bet the sequel’s darker.” Empire Helen O’Har

So the movie is good (not great) because it all feels familiar even though it’s different, but critics are still implying there should be a sequel.  Is there anything this movie does that’s original?

“Uma Thurman demonstrates she can wear a snake-covered head as gracefully as Pierce Brosnan can trot around with a horse’s netherlands.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

PDJ can't decide which is scarier.

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