Dear Frozen Paris: Happy With 13 Terrible Ultimatums? Love, John

by on February 5, 2010 at 11:07 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

January ends and February begins, yet just like a kid looking for proof of aging on their birthday, it doesn’t feel like much has changed.  At least, not in terms of movies.  This week’s big movies involve John Travolta as a bald badass, a handful of independents, and another composition-based romantic fluffer from Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook, Message In A Bottle).  Apparently, Hollywood hasn’t stopped releasing January movies because they are too busy to look at a calendar.  Oh well, we were in Rome last week, and now we get to say goodbye to Eurotrash baddies in From Paris With Love (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


So, From Paris With Love is directed by Pierre Morel who also directed Taken and District 13, yet not Transporter 3 (he was only thanked in the credits) nor District 13-Ultimatum, which also comes out today, but we’ll get to that later; like when I stop employing coordinating conjunctions and end this sentence or if I exhaust every conjunction there is trying to show off my level of linguistic competence.  Well, I hope the film isn’t as unnecessarily complicated as my introduction.

“[Morel] brings in lobotomized entertainment at 90-odd minutes. During the February doldrums, this cannot be underestimated.” Nick Pinkerton Village Voice

It would be crap any other time of year, but today, lobotomized entertainment earns a recommendation.

You're welcome

“Giddily succinct in ways literal-minded folk will not appreciate, From Paris With Love is an object lesson in the realities of what the Obama administration once euphemized as “man-made disaster.”” Armond White New York Press

Even when he likes a movie, he can’t help but sound critical.  If they ever make a movie about academic/critic, Armond White, they should consider the title “From Academia With Spite.”

“Stoopid fun, From Paris With Love doesn’t do much for Paris or love, or your brain cells, but it flies like a crazed eagle on uppers and comes from the talented, propulsive schlocketeer Pierre Morel.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Speaking of challenging reviews, I don’t know how to feel about a movie that is described as a demented eagle on psychoactive drugs.  The fact that the eagle in question doesn’t support Paris, love, or my brain is disheartening, but ultimately its endorsements are as relevant as alternate spellings of the word “stupid.”

“As with Spaghetti Westerns and sit-coms, you know they’ve jumped the shark when the tone turns to self-mockery.” Cole Smithey Daily Radar

Well, at least there are jokes.  But perhaps more importantly, can a non-sequel jump the shark?

Even more importantly, who would win?

“I hasten to say this is not criticism of John Travolta. He succeeds in this movie by essentially acting in a movie of his own.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

There was a time in Travolta’s career when that comment would be mostly positive.  I fear the opposite after learning that his next movie is Wild Hogs 2: Bachelor Ride.

“Only a Wild West town between sheriffs has fewer law officers than this film’s depiction of Paris.”  Lisa Nesselson Screen International

I suspect the same lawlessness may be true for the demilitarized version of future Paris in District 13: Ultimatum (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“More of the same, only more. Yet here, “more” means a more needlessly convoluted plot, a more cartoonish parade of ethnic stereotypes, and more leaden political metaphor than viewers can digest.” The Onion (A.V. Club) Scott Tobias

More.  More.  More.

“It’s not hard to be engaged by the sheer energy of the District 13 films and, despite a handful of minor plot gripes, the sequel more than matches its predecessor for eye-popping action and relentless drive.” Toby Weidmann Filmstar Magazine

Check out some eye-popping action and relentless drive from the original.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTyWfbvX0xQ]

“The fight sequences (choreographed by Raffaelli) are especially creative, with the combatants using any available object, including a priceless Van Gogh painting, to get the job done.” Variety Jordan Mintzer

Art saves the day!  It could only be cooler if he used the painting to hack off some guy’s ear.

“Jumps the shark regularly with glee . . .”  James O’Ehley Sci-Fi Movie Page

Really?  Two movies jump the shark in the same week?

John Q Shark implements his "no more jumping over me" rule

“The reason this wildly improbable, socially clueless drivel is easily the most entertaining film of the week is that it contains three of the most exciting action sequences I’ve seen in the past ten years.”  Christopher Tookey Daily Mail [UK]

Contrary to most stereotypes, if you want action this weekend – stick with the French.  However, if you want thrills, get stuck on a frosty ski lift: Frozen (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“An effective, no-frills gruel-a-thon if that’s your cup of Swiss Miss, and it explores such burning questions as: What happens if you’re dumb enough to leave your bare hand on a metal safety bar overnight?” Boston Globe Ty Burr

A: It turns into Ice Ice, baby.
B: You have one less hand to hold your Swiss Miss with.
C: Answer B is really hard to say

“With a different set of shivers sent up and down collective audience spines, you’re there in that chairlift with those doomed humans whether you like it or not, dying every inch of the way with them.”  Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

Do I have to freeze to death with them?  I’d rather sip my Swiss Miss while wrapped in a Snuggie.

“Frozen is quite simply terrifying. It will do for skiing what Jaws did for swimming.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

Will do for dentists, what sharks do for skiing.

“It’s difficult to get into its “What would I do?” vibe, though, through so thick and transparent a barrier of contrivances.” Los Angeles Times Michael Ordona

Like, why can’t they use cell phones?  Why can’t they drop from the lift and ski down?  And why does this roundup seem to be honoring Shark Week?

“Don’t be surprised if the movie’s most wince-inducing moments come not from the “disturbing images” (as the MPAA describes the sight of a leg bone sticking six inches out of one character’s ski pants) but rather of the bad acting and worse dialogue.” Variety Peter Debruge

Well, that spoilery review answered my ‘drop from the lift’ question.  Perhaps a more entertaining question would be: How would you feel if you were a dark comedy/crime noir Best Foreign Film nominee from Denmark?  Answer: Terribly Happy (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)

“A strong crime-thriller on par with some of the films from the Coen Brothers, one that keeps you captivated with every twist and development.” Edward Douglas ComingSoon.net

People use the term “on par” all the time, but why is nothing ever “on birdie” or “on eagle?”

After seeing this picture, I finally understand why they call it The Masters

“Finds the sweet spot in that realm of disturbing, unpredictable drama tinged with the blackest possible comedy…a deliciously dark and offbeat surprise.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

It’s a dark comedy and an unpredictable drama.  Does it dip into any other genres?

“Not a horror movie but a witty, expertly constructed psychological thriller.” The New York Times Stephen Holden

As someone who’s never seen a Danish comedy/drama/thriller, just what would I be in for?
“An eerie spellbinder featuring inbred folks from a small, evil, Danish town.” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

So this film could do for inbred Danish folks what Deliverance did for inbred Southern hillbillies?  Apparently, all of my comments about this movie are really questions, so what’s the low-down on this highly-rated import?

“Not terrible, not happy.”  Staci Layne Wilson Horror.com

That review could also apply to many long-distance relationships, like the one between a local girl and a deployed soldier who exchange letters in Dear John (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Hallstrom knows his way around heartbreak and domestic frigidity, and his syrup whispering skills come in handy, as Dear John has a tendency to buck wildly when it comes to articulating the strain of a long-distance relationship.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

I’m confused by the idea of syrup whispering.  Is he trying to boost molasses confidence so it’s brave enough to make the journey to my belly?  Also, did he pick up this skill in the syrup slammer?

“Hallstrom and his low-heat stars can’t find the pulse of this corpse.” Orlando Sentinel Roger Moore

And now someone’s dead?  When did that happen?  Did a shark get him?

Dear Filmmakers: Please make more movies like this.

“There’s no real depth or texture to the characters of any sort, sentimental or otherwise, and I say that as someone who can be brought to tears by a Hallmark commercial.” Los Angeles Times Betsy Sharkey

When 100 minutes of romantic storytelling generates less emotion than a 30-second commercial, expect disappointed viewers to send hate mail.  For example:

“Dear Mr. Sparks and The Filmmakers: Due to unanticipated disappointments, I regret to inform you that I cannot love your film. Godspeed.” Kimberly Gadette Indie Movies Online

“Dear Nicholas Sparks, There’s no easy way to say this. But with Dear John, the latest of the five films made so far from your sentimental, best-selling novels, I think our relationship is in trouble.” Washington Post Michael O’Sullivan

Uh oh.  People are breaking up with Dear John via Dear John letters.  So, if the film isn’t for Spark-lovers, who’s the movie for?

“Awash in mawkish sentimentality, Dear John still will move you deeply – if you’re a 12-year-old girl.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic

PDJ is awash in sharkish sentimentality

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When In Dark Las Vegas, Face North And Run Off

by on January 30, 2010 at 12:53 am
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

This roundup rounds out the end of January, and hopefully puts a lid on the radioactive waste that’s been oozing into theaters.  In the past, we’ve dipped into the limited releases just so people don’t lose hope in this dark month, and since the month isn’t quite over, we’re dipping again.  We’ve got three limited release movies you’ve probably never heard of and two mainstream movies that are due to ooze into multiplexes this weekend, so let’s get to it.  First up, after an eight year hiatus from acting (over 30’s, this is your cue to feel old) Mel Gibson returns as a grieving father who demolishes bad guys and a Boston accent in Edge Of Darkness (Rotten Tomatoes –Metacritic).

“An odd duck of a thriller. Quiet, talkative, with the occasional explosion of violence, it has ghosts and characters philosophizing, quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald or blurting insensitive non-sequiturs.” Orlando Sentinel Roger Moore

Since most thrillers are too predictable to be odd, let’s call that a compliment.

“Gibson is willing to embrace the chance to be this generation’s Charles Bronson.”  Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

Under 30’s, this is your cue to say “who?”

“Mel is at the top of his game as the T-1000 of angry, grieving fathers.” Thomas Leupp Hollywood.com

That’s a better film reference.  But then again, Terminator 2 came out almost 20 years ago (1991).  And is it just me or does James Cameron come up in nearly every conversation about movies these days?

“A shot that defiantly fixes on Mel Gibson’s balding pate from behind is the only evidence of the volatile actor-director’s famous penchant for cinematic self-flagellation here.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

So, he comes out of retirement to self-flagellate over his bald spot?  I wonder if anyone’s called him Sugar Dome yet?

“Gibson tries on a Boston accent (it needs work) and boringly underplays his character before the inevitable “Mad Mel” makes his appearance in the third act.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

He prefers to be called Sane Mel

Whether he’s Martin Riggs pulling suicidal stockbrokers off rooftops or Max running over bikers of the apocalypse, Mad Mel is what made him famous.  Do you have any comparable memories for Maverick or What Women Want?

“Love him or loathe him, the Melster still has screen presence. That’s why he’s a star.” Robert W. Butler Kansas City Star

I think we can all agree to loathe the Melster…but only as a nickname.  Mad Mel is so much funnier.  What’s the final word on the movie most likely to come in at number 2 behind Avatar.

“Campbell’s film offers not surprises, exactly, but craftsmanship and low, brute, cunning satisfactions.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Should I be surprised that I don’t know what low, brute, cunning satisfaction is?  While I’m pondering that, let’s ponder what to do When In Rome (Rotten Tomatoes –Metacritic).

“Certain scenes in When in Rome signify nothing less than the death of screen slapstick, but I’m hoping it’s one of those fake-out movie deaths where it’s not really dead, not forever.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think he just implied that slapstick humor faked it’s own death in this movie.  If that doesn’t put butts in seats, what will?

“A weak rehash of Love Potion No. 9, with Love Potion No. 9 replaced by crack.” Phil Villarreal OK! Magazine

Harold and Kumar were pro-marijuana, Go and Groove were pro-Ecstasy, and now When In Rome is pro-crack?  Did I get that right?

I wonder if the Olsen's version was pro-anything?

“The director of ‘Ghost Rider’ and ‘Daredevil’ tries to make us laugh on purpose for once — and fails badly.” Thomas Leupp Hollywood.com

Yeah, but how many of those laughs came from Affleck prancing around in red leather and Nick Cage with his head on fire?  If you put either of those things in this movie, you’d get laughs.

“If someone taught classes on how not to make a romantic comedy, When in Rome would most certainly be one of the examples they would use.” Jeff Vice Deseret News, Salt Lake City

If I could teach classes on how not to do something, I would have had tenure years ago.

“Please, Gods of Love, make this movie disappear.” Connie Ogle Miami Herald

I can’t answer your prayer, but perhaps you could appeal to Saint John of Las Vegas (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)

“With stars like Steve Buscemi and Sarah Silverman and big-fish producers such as Spike Lee and Stanley Tucci on board, you’d think this indie would offer some glimmer of wit or originality. Think again.” Chris Nashawaty Entertainment Weekly

But the premise is a road movie retelling of Dante’s Inferno, I see a glimmer of originality right there.  Is it really that bad?

“The promised quirkiness is muted and dull, and the stakes seem much lower than they ought to.”  Josh Bell Las Vegas Weekly

The reviewer from Las Vegas wanted higher stakes.  Big surprise…

“Steve Buscemi cuts so droll and heart-wrenching a figure in Hue Rhodes’s deadpan road movie Saint John of Las Vegas that the plot — shaggy and inconsequential as it is — gets in the way.” David Edelstein New York Magazine

Watch out!  The plot is in the way! (badump badump).

He should have watched out for plot holes.

“As a portrait of one man’s journey toward dignity, Saint John isn’t bad enough to create its own special circle of hell. As a comedy, though, it’s anything but divine.” Glenn Whipp Associated Press

The upside is that it doesn’t create a ninth circle of hell?  What would that even look like?

“First-time director and screenwriter Hue Rhodes shows no discernible talent for dialogue, humor and, especially, pacing. For a movie than runs a mere 85 minutes, Saint John moves like a life sentence in molasses prison.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

You heard it here first, the newest level of hell is a syrup slammer.  French toasters, waffle hounds and pancake aficionados just got a license to sin.  Congrats.  They may already be Off And Running (Rotten Tomatoes –Metacritic)

Someone want to start us off with summary?

“Nice coming-of-age doc about an African-American teen who shares a Brooklyn brownstone with the white Jewish lesbian parents who adopted her and two adopted siblings.” Doris Toumarkine Film Journal International

Wow, how has this story not become an MTV reality show?  The topic sounds sticky, and I mean the emotional way not the syrup slammer way.

“Director Nicole Opper never resorts to promoting reductive, campus counselor-esque values.”  Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

“Opper doesn’t angle for a climactic group hug, but she sticks around long enough to allow us to exhale while this intelligent young woman begins to set herself, quite literally, back on track.” Ella Taylor Village Voice

I’m glad to hear that this story doesn’t need any climatic cinematic camp counselor crowd cuddling.  Okay, no more crappy couplets.

“Initially succeeds at accounting for the formation of this unlikely family unit, but as the subject’s life starts to unravel, cut-rate cable TV techniques (trifling montages, an overactive string score) deaden the full impact of her crisis.” Time Out New York Kevin B. Lee

Most documentaries are imperfect.  They have to take a true story and refine it for film without sacrificing too much truth at the alter of entertainment.  Assuming audiences can look past the blemishes, what are they in for?

“Ultimately uplifting, this endearing bio-pic offers a wonderful warts-and-all look from the inside out at both the blessings and challenges of trans-cultural adoption.” Kam Williams NewsBlaze

And speaking of uplifting bio pics with a few warts, our last film tells the story of a pair of German climbers who were urged to climb the north face of the Eiger in the Swiss Alps by propaganda-seeking Nazis: North Face (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Anyone who loved Touching The Void will be moved by what turns into a quest for survival. This film has a bigger budget, more spectacular shots, a touching love story and a historical backdrop of the Nazi thirst for glory.” Sun Online

For fans of survival stories and Mountain Film, North Face sounds like an appropriately harrowing entry into the genre.

“Director Philipp Stoltz proves a master of tension, cruelly juxtaposing the climbers – caked in ice and ravaged by frostbite – with the idle sightseers, gorging on champagne while casually gauging the mountaineers’ progress.” Tim Evans Sky Movies

I hate champagne guzzling Nazis.

Almost as much as I hate other food service Nazis

“Cleverly playing on the genre’s propagandistic ties to the Third Reich, the film reflects the tragic arc of National Socialism in each ominous crevasse and in every grandiloquent gesture.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

So, the rise and fall of the Third Reich parallels the rise and fall of a pair of rock jocks?  Cool.

“Director Philipp Stölzl makes the movie a tad more political (i.e., anti-Nazi) than it needs to be, but Fürmann’s stoic performance reduces the story to its harsh, true fundamentals.” Village Voice Brian Miller

Was that use of ‘stoic’ a mountain pun?  Was it better/worse than my ‘cool’ pun?

“Exactly what the magic of movies is about, giving you a risk-free front-row seat that still manages to make you feel like you’re caught up in the action.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

PDJ rarely manages risk-free action

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The Train Fairy Created The Tooth Legion

by on January 22, 2010 at 11:36 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

The January cinematic slump continues with a series of lame offerings that have lined up to beg for your money.  Hollywood’s panhandlers include American myths, Charles Darwin, recent media troublemakers, some guy who looks like Han Solo, and the armies of Heaven.  Perhaps if all these figures appeared in the same movie we’d have something worth watching.  But alas, we have things like The Tooth Fairy (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The poster’s the funniest thing about the project: Johnson, sporting a pair of fairy wings larger than his forearms, glaring at the camera.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Am I supposed to be laughing at his glaring or something else?

“Another excruciating film about an unlikable hero who is somehow considered a badass despite making jokes like, ‘You can’t handle the tooth.'”  Matt Pais Metromix.com

In addition to the poster being the most memorable thing about the movie, it spoils one of its best dental jokes?  My interest is fading…

“Focus. Tooth Fairy isn’t as bad as you may have feared. It’s not all that good, either, but at least it’s possible to sit through it and hold down your popcorn.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

You made me focus so you could tell me this movie won’t make me barf.  Gee, thanks.

“One can only hope it doesn’t serve as a precedent for, let’s say, John Cena following up ‘The Marine’ with a fantasy in which he plays the Easter Bunny”  Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

How about the Rock’s Fairy and Cena’s Bunny versus Hulk Hogan as Cupid and Stone Cold Steve Austin as Punxsutawney Phil.  Bets?

Is that a bandanna or a content label?

“Like oral surgery without laughing gas, the latest family film to star former wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is an annoying pain we could all do without.”  Ben McEachen Sunday Mail (Australia)

Speaking of annoying pains and painful surgery, our next film, Extraordinary Measures (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) pits desperate dad (Brandon Fraser) and dynamic doctor (Harrison Ford) against corporate cocks who won’t share their new wonder-drug.  Sounds pretty straight forward.

“Director Tom Vaughan seems to have put more thought into that five-second title card, “inspired by a true story,” than he put into the rest of the movie.”  Jeffrey M. Anderson Combustible Celluloid

The title probably took some time.  They could have called it Unorthodox Efforts or Aberrant Deeds.  There must be a reason it’s not called Screwy Stratagems.  Perhaps there were fierce debates over calling it Peculiar Maneuvers.  I guess we’ll never know.

“Everything about this excruciatingly dull, talky film screams made-for-network-TV: The I’m-only-here-for-a-paycheck performances by famous actors; the Crate and Barrel catalog mise-en-scene; the syrupy, heartwarming score that lays the pathos on so thickly you gag on it.” Miami Herald Rene Rodriguez

How exactly does someone choke on emotion?

He's choking! Someone perform Heimlich's Peculiar Maneuver!

“It’s unsurprising that the first movie released by the new film production outfit CBS Films is something that looks and tastes an awful lot like a TV movie of the week.” Marjorie Baumgarten Austin Chronicle

Never mind, now I want to know what a TV movie of the week tastes like.

“As tailored-for-television as a movie can get without containing actual commercial breaks.” Sean O’Connell Filmcritic.com

Perhaps the film could have used them, it might have stopped critics from wanting to euthanize this movie.  But don’t the big name actors automatically raise the quality level?

“The overall feel is one of a generic, feel-good drama, albeit one with Harrison Ford stomping around most of the time as if someone kicked him in the shins. One suspects that this is a story that deserved better.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

“Fraser, who’s in way over his head skill-wise, sabotages the movie every time he’s on screen. Which is almost every scene.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Okay, suddenly things just got a lot more interesting.  Someone kicked Indiana Jones in the shins and Brandon Fraser is committing cinematic sabotage to further some unknown political agenda.  Why doesn’t Hollywood make a movie out of that?  Oh well, I guess zombie hordes and warring angels will have to do: Legion (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
This is one of those movies that critics weren’t allowed to see before it was released, which is rarely a good sign.  However, since this movie deals with a potential antichrist, perhaps there was some subtle sign-commentary going on.  Maybe?

“The finished product is shockingly bad … an exercise in futility. Spare yourself the agony.” Uncle Creepy Dread Central

I’m shocked that it’s that bad.  Who’s to blame?

“Whoever is responsible for the final cut must get the brunt of the blame. Sadly, a far better, more cohesive picture probably exists somewhere on the cutting room floor.” Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com

Interesting.  It’s not often that you hear the editor blamed for a movie’s failure.  I’m already preparing myself for the director’s cut/unrated release that promises footage that was “too intense for theaters.”

“It’s a labored, darkly photographed, cringingly acted hodgepodge of fanciful geek-bait genre ideas and hideous connect-the-dots scripting. Who knew the end of the world could be such a screaming bore.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page

Additional boring hodgepodge = too intense for theaters.

“When all is said and done, Legion is all talk and no “do”, a prude film with some seriously wasted potential. It’s boring, slow-paced and takes itself way too goddamn seriously.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

Given that this movie is about Heaven declaring war on humanity, are you joking or jeering when you use ‘goddamn’ in your review?

Or both?

“Beneath its superficial religious facade, Legion is really just a run-of-the-mill zombie flick. A Biblical ‘I Am Legend’.” Thomas Leupp Hollywood.com

To prove that Legion is a supernatural force on this earth, I will now conjure a miracle.  I summon, another Paul Bellamy movie that comes out on the same day (insert thunder and lightning special effects here)!  Behold my Creation (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)!

“In fact, given its subject matter, Creation should arguably be bolder and more shocking if it wants to survive among the fittest at the multiplex. Audiences with so many flashier pictures available may not regard a straightforward period biopic as a natural selection.” NPR Bob Mondello

Okay, we’ve got ‘survival of the fittest’ and ‘natural selection’ referenced.  Did we miss any other Darwinisms?

“What begins as a multilayered tale of scientific discovery and cultural history gets reduced to a single maudlin idea: that even Charles Darwin had to evolve.” Noel Murray AV Club

Look into the origin of my species.

“If some of our home-grown Bible thumpers had been exposed to dramas like Creation at a tender age, we might have been spared a lot of bother.” Kelly Vance East Bay Express

Yeah, instead they’re exposed to movies like Legion.

“Bettany conveys with poetic intensity and an excruciating anxiety, a man torn by a terrible discovered truth he can hardly bear to acknowledge as he faces public scorn and resentment at home, a kind of second coming of Adam booted out of the Garden.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

He’s an uzi-packing angel!  He’s the first man on earth (rebooted)!  Paul Bettany is Captain Bibleman!

Here is another sign of things to come

“After seeing the movie, a sense of insufficiency remains; we feel the need to read additional accounts to truly learn about the man who left such a huge imprint on science.” Claudia Puig USA Today

A movie about history’s favorite researcher makes me want to do research.  FAIL or WIN?

“Jon Amiel’s portrait of Darwin’s efforts to accept and acclimate to a new reality is mucked up by all manner of directorial flim-flam.”  Nick Schager Slant Magazine

“There are good performances and fleeting moments of exquisite moviemaking, but the experience as a whole is an evolutionary dead end. A dodo this is not, but rather a curiosity — an aye-aye of a film, or a narwhal.” Ty Burr Boston Globe

New reality narwhals, exquisite acclimating, and aye-aye flim-flams?  In addition to the researching, this movie made people want to flex their Thesaurus’ muscles.  Perhaps I conjured an inferior miracle.  Oh well, our miracle-needs have expired because our last movie is based on actual events: The Girl On The Train (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Since this is the best reviewed movie of the weekend, let’s get started with a summary.

“Master filmmaker Andre Techine (“Les Egares,” 2002) presents a deceptively minimalist story of a French girl’s false allegations regarding an anti-Semitic attack during a train commute that shook France during the summer of 2004.” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com

Wow, recent history is being explored for modern film.  I feel the same trepidation I felt when W came out with Bush still in office.  Does the film provide some much-needed perspective on the events?

“Given several years’ distance from the media blitz, Téchiné brings clarity, maturity, and perspective to the case while still subtly addressing all the thorny social issues the affair touched off.” The Onion (A.V. Club) Scott Tobias

Glad to hear it.  What other reasons do readers have to track down this foreign gem?

“…exuberant but unfocused drama about a recent French news story that caused a sensation before being exposed as bogus. Jewish-themed elements may also help fill seats.” Doris Toumarkine Film Journal International

If that seat-filling conclusion were true for all of this week’s films then Christians will be watching Legion, scientists will watch Creation, kids who believe in a Tooth Fairy will watch a movie about one, and anyone who’s ever taken on a massive pharmaceutical company will be watching Extraordinary Measures.  Maybe it’s better if the audiences are made up of more than the already-converted.

“For better or worse, there isn’t a human experience that French director André Téchiné can resist lathering into a tone poem.” Village Voice Ella Taylor

My commentary instinct tells me I should try to compose a tone poem here, but first: what’s a tone poem?  Nevermind, we don’t have time for that.  Our weekend’s beckon.  Final thoughts?

“The movie is held together…by the fluidity of his style and his characteristic blend of lightness and gravity.” Bernard Besserglik Hollywood Reporter

PDJ is only as light as gravity allows.

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Eli, The Bookish Spy Stationed Next Door, Fishes for Tanks

by on January 15, 2010 at 5:58 am
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Two art house entries, two mainstreamers, and one film that switched from one to the other (but I already covered it).  This is what you’ll get during the “dung-heap month of January,” or so says one of this week’s critics.  Sorry, Lovely Bones, but we’ve got new candidates that are ripe for mockage, especially if that dung heap comment is to be taken seriously.  And what could be more serious than Denzel Washington as a postapocalyptic bible-thumping bad ass in: The Book of Eli (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A ponderous dystopian bummer that might be described as “The Road Warrior” without car chases, or “The Road” without humanity.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

Nearly all postapocalyptic films are drenched in tragedy; it’s standard fare for a landscape littered with the ruins of civilization.  But don’t leave out the car chases.

“The first major action film of 2010 is more pensive and lyrical than advertised.” John P. McCarthy ReelTalk Movie Reviews

Perhaps that’s because a trailer focusing on the poetic and thought-provoking qualities would contrast too harshly with Denzel hacking limbs off with a machete.

“Either the apocalypse is coming soon or Hollywood is kind of over-preparing.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Either Hollywood is over-preparing because they want to establish hope in lone-wanderering do-gooders or they want to call dibs on ringside seats for public sinning at the Pleasuredome.

The rest of us will live in Dome Village

“In the future, according to The Book of Eli, we’ll all dress like we’re in a Nine Inch Nails video. It is written.” Jake Coyle Associated Press

Could we erase it?

“Its over-the-top violence is cartoonish at times, menacing at others – which is a good thing. And truly, if one must wander a barren, post-apocalyptic landscape with somebody, who better to wander with than Denzel Washington?” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

Personally, I’d pick Survivorman or Jesus.

“The only consistent element is Washington’s hero whose calling is to take the Bible out West; the rest is an absurd, incoherent narrative defined by contradictions: religious and violent, arty and exploitational, serious and trashy, stylized and gritty.” Emanuel Levy EmanuelLevy.Com

I wouldn’t mind a few more contradictions in our next movie: The Spy Next Door (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  We’ve seen this premise before (The Pacifier, Kindergarten Cop, Suburban Commando) and just like in those movies, they make a tough guy play fish-out-of-water in a domestic situation.  In this case, they took the great action hero/clown/stunt junkie Jackie Chan, and neutered what he does best with a PG rating.  What’s left?

“Everybody knew to wait for the outtakes during the closing credits, because you’d see him miss a fire escape or land wrong in the truck going under the bridge. Now the outtakes involve his use of the English language.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

That comment is so sad, I am tempted to move on, but I feel compelled to conclude an earlier point.

“Immediately forgettable family entertainment, suitable for release only in the dung-heap month of January.” Village Voice Melissa Anderson

The nicest thing you can say is: at least it belongs with the rest of the shit?

“Chan struggles gamely to charm, but the picture’s cartoonish jokes and misfired gags are likely to elicit more eye rolls than laughs.” Variety Lael Loewenstein

Ugh.

“Limp and lifeless, this Next Door neighbor should be evicted to DVD.” Orlando Sentinel Roger Moore

But where will it go if Grandpa DVD won’t take it in?  Would it have to go bunk with Uncle LaserDisc or creepy cousin Betamax?

“Chan’s new all-ages vehicle is smooth like oatmeal. It’s hard to imagine anyone being offended, except fans of good comedy.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

Yeah, screw those guys.

“As matinee fodder for desperate families, it could be worse. But not much.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

If it was a contradiction to be marginally acceptable for desperate people, I would be able to tie two narrative strands together.  Oh well, transitioning from this to our next film is a practically a contradiction already.

In The Last Station (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic), great actors square off in a historical drama about Leo Tolstoy and his wife in the final years of their marriage.  Sounds like Oscar bait to me.

“Three superb performances by Helen Mirren, Christopher Plummer and James McAvoy should have Oscar handicappers drooling.” The Hollywood Reporter Stephen Farber

See?

“This production, directed by Michael Hoffman, is like a great night at the theatre–the two performing demons go at each other full tilt and produce scenes of Shakespearean affection, chagrin, and rage.” The New Yorker David Denby

Oooh.  Performing demons?  I hope they play the Pleasuredome later.

“The arrival of a movie with as much intelligence and artistry as The Last Station should also be accompanied by the sound of trumpets.” Rex Reed New York Observer

Okay, my Bullshit detector just went off.  It can’t be that great.  Let’s level out these expectations with something critical.

This could be next Christmas' must-have gift for 12-year-old boys

“The kind of movie that gives literature a bad name. Not because it undermines the dignity of a great writer and his work, but because it is so self-consciously eager to flaunt its own gravity and good taste.” The New York Times A.O. Scott

Can anyone do better than calling it “snooty?”

“If you never read Tolstoy, this film guarantees you will not be tempted.” Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com

Got it.  This film will make me hate reading.  That’s pretty bad.  But not many critics have anything bad to say about this week’s highest reviewed movie: Fish Tank (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Fish Tank takes you to places you never expected and, with pitch-perfect performances all round, makes for a beguiling and very real picture that conjures hope amid the most hopeless of surroundings. The best British film of the year.” David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]

I watch a fair number of movies, but not many of them are British.  How big a compliment is that?

“Fish Tank is a simple but incredibly, almost unbelievably, powerful film. No man or woman with warm blood in their body will come away from it feeling chirpy. On the plus side, it’s so reassuringly brilliant that you’ll feel proud to be British.” Tom Howard FHM [UK]

Be careful singing its praises too loudly.  For some remake-happy American directors, the words “Brilliant foreign film” are a more powerful temptation than Oscar bait.

“Fish Tank is full of surprises, twisting and turning like a teenage girl trying to escape the clutches of an unwanted suitor.” Alex Blimes GQ Magazine [UK]

Maybe we should take a break from the British critics, they are going to creepy places for their metaphors.

Is this a contradiction?

“The movie is unusually sensitive to the ways young people pick up their cues on how to act like adults, and how awkwardly they practice what they’ve learned.”  Noel Murray AV Club

I have to admit that sounds fascinating.  But in my little corner of the world, British films about awkward youth are hard to come by.  How hard should I try to see it?

“I’m telling you here and now to seek out Fish Tank, either at a big-city theater or via VOD, because it’s absolute dynamite.” Andrew O’Hehir Salon.com

Remind me one last time why I’m seeking dynamite?

“It’s a pungent display of teenage life, but Fish Tank achieves sublime emotional candor, gripping tightly with an electric cinematic hold. It makes the unthinkable captivating.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

PDJ used to be a pungent teenager.

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