Ninja Dog Assassinates Orson Welles On Old Road

by on November 26, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Happy Thanksgiving Readers!

On this Turkey Day, Hollywood is trying to offer you a feast of holiday options, but it ended up bringing you an overcooked turkey, a few exciting side dishes, and a doggy bag full of rotting leftovers.  Okay, that metaphor is as confusing as the headline for this roundup, but the movies coming out range from likely Oscar nominations to embarrassingly bad.  In other words, it’s a typical holiday release schedule.  For all of you who had to travel for this holiday, we begin with the last road movie ever: The Road (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“It’s hard not to divine that The Road will be receiving near universal acclaim and a truckload of Oscar noms.”  Brandon Judell CultureCatch

Well, ‘near universal acclaim’ currently includes a fair number of nay-sayers, including those who were on the opposite side of the quality spectrum.

“Watching this is suicidal. Excrement on celluloid.” Fiore Mastracci Outtakes With Fiore

It ranges from divine to doo-doo, what what accounts for the chasm?

“Hillcoat took it as far as he dared and created a beautiful suffering; a film that somehow manages to be both unwatchable and unmissable at the same time.”  Chris Laverty Clothes on Film

I’d better run out and not see it right away.

Would the sequel be called "The Roadies"?

“This year’s entry in the Movies You Admire and Respect but Don’t Ever Want to Watch Again Sweepstakes.” Eric D. Snider Film.com

Previous sweepstakes winners include Schindler’s List and Requiem For A Dream.  I’m starting to understand the suicidal and divine comments a little better now.

“The Road isn’t a masterpiece…But I cannot think of another film this year that has stayed with me, its images of dread and fear – and yes, perhaps hope – kicking around like such a terrible dream.” Philadelphia Inquirer Steven Rea

Speaking of dread, fear, and terrible dreams, the worst reviewed movie of the weekend will likely be the one that makes the most money.  John Travolta is travolting and Robin Williams was robbed of his comedy prowess in Old Dogs (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Trashing Old Dogs is a bit like kicking a puppy. But here goes.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Okay, we’ve been duly warned – Punt away.

“Old Dogs does to the screen what old dogs do to the carpet. It’s unfortunate that only the latter can be taken out and shot.” New York Post Kyle Smith

Wait, you want me to shoot the carpet?

“There are some experiences no one should be subjected to even in the name of science. It may be that forced viewing of this film has been outlawed by the Geneva Convention.” James Berardinelli ReelViews

“If Old Dogs were a person, I would stab it in the face.” Drew McWeeny HitFix

Forget water boarding, this movie causes real life agro in people.

“Adults should steer clear. Kids should be sent to it only if they’ve been extraordinarily naughty.” The Onion (A.V. Club) Keith Phipps

They got tired of dreaming of a white Christmas

At last, we have a use for Old Dogs – as a cinematic lump of coal.  And speaking of meaningful Christmas presents, the release most likely not to be in your multiplex deals with the man behind Rosebud: Me and Orson Welles (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Welles is brilliantly embodied by Christian McKay in one of those, hey-who’s-that? performances that tends to draw Oscar talk, even if the film itself isn’t much more than an extremely pleasant lark.” Mary F. Pols TIME Magazine

“A stunning performance by Christian McKay as the great Orson Welles lifts this from what could have been just frothy entertainment into the sphere of the sublime.”  Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

In addition to ‘hey-who’s-that’ there’s also that one guy from High School Musical.

“What do you say about a movie that proves Zac Efron can act, introduces a master thespian in Christian McKay and launches a charm assault that is damn near irresistible? I say, see it.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

Even more interesting, this movie was written and directed by Richard Linklater (the writer/director of Dazed and Confused).  So with all the surprising talent crammed into this movie, why aren’t people likely to have it show up in their multiplex?

“Quippy, fast, and enjoyably corny, Welles is like a musical comedy without songs.” David Denby New Yorker

“It’s slight, only sporadically enjoyable and sometimes corny.” Claudia Puig USA Today

Critics agree, it’s enjoyably corny.  And if you prefer a little more gore in your corn, perhaps you’ll be interested in Ninja Assassin (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“You certainly can’t accuse Ninja Assassin of not living up to its title, but the filmmakers clearly never thought beyond that point.” Josh Bell Las Vegas Weekly

Fair enough, but Ninja Who Assassinates Other Ninjas With Swords and Throwing Stars doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

“If Ninja Assassin boasted sexual content equivalent to its level of violence, it would be rated NC-17 and repulse even the most dedicated perverts.” Nathan Rabin AV Club

Wow, how bloody are we talking about?

“Gleefully bloody martial arts tribute – about a renegade ninja hunted by his clan – makes “Kill Bill” look like an episode of “7th Heaven”.” Joe Lozito Big Picture Big Sound

“Once you get past the novelty of watching various body parts slide off in a blurt of CGI blood — which, granted, may take a good 30 to 45 minutes — the film just stands there, flexing.”  Andrew Wright The Stranger (Seattle, WA)
“The epitome of excellence in film entertainment.” Fiore Mastracci Outtakes With Fiore

Wait.  What?

“The rotten cliches pile up faster than the bodies in this Z-movie disaster. A total dud start to finish.” Geoff Berkshire Metromix.com

Assuming that reviewer ever sees a worse movie, what would be it’s letter designation?  It already got a Z minus!

“This movie knows exactly what it is: Gonzo silliness about bodies turned into human salsa.” Kyle Smith New York Post

PDJ prefers human gaucamole

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Blind Lieutenant Moons 51

by on November 20, 2009 at 6:25 am
Posted In: humor, movie reviews, updates

I wish I could deliver on the promise of that headline, but none of this week’s opening movies go anywhere near that level of lunacy.   Instead we get lovesick vampires, alien astronauts, inspiring athletes, and Nick Cage.  Now that I think about it, if anyone is going to deliver some over-the-top ridiculousness it would be Cage playing a half-corrupt, half-addict cop in Werner Herzog’s Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  So, does Cage bring the crazy?


“Cage dives headlong into the madness. It’s plain fun to see the actor give himself so fully to a character after several years of mostly forgettable action movies” Jake Coyle Associated Press

Good news.  It’s a shame that this movie has the aroma of being a forgettable action flick.

“No one is better at this kind of performance than Nicolas Cage. He’s a fearless actor. He doesn’t care if you think he goes over the top. If a film calls for it, he will crawl to the top hand over hand with bleeding fingernails.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

“If there’s a sure thing in movies, it’s that if you cast Nicolas Cage in a role in which he goes crazy, he’ll rise to the occasion and keep on rising until he seems even loonier than his character.” New York Magazine David Edelstein

I sincerely hope that one day, Nicolas Cage is honored with a William T Shatner Over-The-Top Award for Over-Acting.  I also hope they read Ebert’s ‘bleeding fingernails’ quote at the ceremony.

“The film is offbeat, silly, disarming and loopy all at the same time, and viewers will decide to ride with that or just give up on it, according to mood and disposition.” Variety Todd McCarthy

Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the Mood Movie!  It’s only as good as you feel when you watch it. Please, drink responsibly (before, during, and after the show).

“Those expecting a return to the depravity and menace of Abel Ferrara’s 1992 notorious original will be disappointed.” Premiere Mark Salisbury

The notorious original

When people look back at the original and fondly remember depravity and menace, well, maybe we just shouldn’t look back.  And speaking of sequels, tween girls have already united to make Twilight Saga: New Moon (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) the biggest pre-sold movie ticket of all time (at least until the next one comes out).  I saw the first one and was somewhat underwelmed, is it too much to hope that I will be welmed by the sequel?

“This is a film for the fans. Fans of the books. Fans of the first film. If you enjoyed that, you’ll enjoy this. If you didn’t, you have no chance here. It’s a New Moon, not a new dawn.” Giles Hardie smh.com.au

Fair enough.  I’ve seen the preview and know that the sequel offers ab-tastic Jacob and pale-tacular Edward moping and scowling over a girl who’s most memorable trait is her strictly supernatural dating pool. What am I missing?

“The Twilight Saga: New Moon plays like a 130 minute trailer for a movie called The Twilight Saga: New Moon.” Drew McWeeny HitFix

So, if I watch the preview on a loop for two hours, I’ll have little reason to take a trip to a theater crowded with excitable teenage girls.  Got it.

“Considering Lautner’s acting improved so much sans shirt, I wonder if there might have been Oscar buzz had he taken off his pants.” Garth Franklin Dark Horizons

“Never has a man’s shirtlessness been so essential to a character’s development.” Jordan Hoffman UGO

Okay, Jacob is a feral dreamboat to Edward’s undead mojo, but if I don’t like staring at good looking guys, what does this experience have to offer?

“Watching Twilight Saga: New Moon is a bit like having your own real-life sulky teenager living under your roof …” James O’Ehley Sci-Fi Movie Page

Strangely enough, the next movie is the real-life story of a under-privledged teenage athlete living under Sandra Bullock’s roof in The Blind Side (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Grounded in the direct, disarming truth of their experience, the movie has a straightforward lack of cheap sentiment that saves it from being either too maudlin or saccharine-sweet.” Washington Post Ann Hornaday

“Uplifting and entertaining feel-good, fact-based sports drama.” Variety Joe Leydon

Fact-based truth book

I would imagine that truth is easier to attain when working with a true story. But it’s still a movie, which means that truth might take a backseat to entertainment.

“Blind Side the movie peddles the most insidious kind of racism, one in which whiteys are virtuous saviors, coming to the rescue of African-Americans who become superfluous in narratives that are supposed to be about them.”  Village Voice Melissa Anderson

“Its m.o. isn’t understanding or identification, just white self-congratulation.” Mark Palermo Coast (Halifax, Nova Scotia)

Wow.  Are there any opponents of that viewpoint?

“Some will doubtlessly dismiss The Blind Side as another example of a heroic white person saving a black victim but, although there is an element of truth in that perfunctory description, it misses the point.” James Berardinelli ReelViews

“Ultimately, race has nothing to do with the truth of the emotions this film elicits from an audience. It’s a solid movie, whether you’re color blind or not.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

I don’t believe you can erase race in this discussion, but the movie isn’t always about the message either.  If it was, our final movie, Planet 51 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic), would be desperate for a point.

“This movie, which was made by an animation studio in Spain, isn’t trying to make a social statement; it speaks in the international language of lightweight comedy.”  St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

Hey, I speak that language too.  I also speak profanity, slang, and bad English.

“Like “E.T.” in reverse, this pleasantly mediocre CG animation tale lands an astronaut on a distant planet.” Village Voice Brian Miller

If you can review and summarize a movie in one sentence, does that mean its shallow?

“Largely, it’s a jellybean of a movie: bright, colorful, sugary, and with no real content.” Tasha Robinson AV Club

So, it’s a lightweight mediocre jellybean.  Sounds like fine family entertainment.

“Do anal probe gags sound like fine family entertainment? How about multiple scenes depicting ugly gay panic? Not to worry; a penis joke referring to a male member as an ‘antenna’ is right around the corner.” Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com

You know, that doesn’t sound like good family fare, but butt-jokes are the core of too many family movies.  They’ve got to appeal to someone, right?

“A poorly conceived comedy spotlighting a collection of anal-centric humor that’s about as appealing as baseball bat to the face.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page

I hope the fumble-fingered batter signed that guy's jaw cast

PDJ stared at that bat-to-face picture for about 5 minutes straight

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In 2012, Mr. Fantastic Pirates Fox Radio

by on November 13, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Disasters, daredevil DJs, and dashing dingoes dominate this weekend.  We are emerging from the fall season movie slump and entering the holiday movie upswing.  It happens every year, but it’s no less welcome just because it’s expected.  While two of this week’s openers shouldn’t be treated as early Christmas presents, at least one of them involves blowing up the world: 2012 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

2012-poster-6As with the Y2Krazies, the internet is proving itself to be an invaluable resource in spreading panic. To counter the hysteria, NASA opened up a FAQ page to tell people that there’s no reason to fear the Mayan calendar’s prediction of apocalypse.  Now that you’re assured the theater will still be standing if you decide to go see the movie, let’s hear about whether it’s worth watching.

“Emmerich supposedly spent $260m to give you the biggest experience for your ticket dollar and in this regard, he has succeeded tremendously, while, intentionally or otherwise, also delivering one of 2009’s best comedies.” Michael Adams Empire Magazine Australasia

Those must be some expensive jokes.  Example please?

“Where else are you going to get a chance to see the aircraft carrier USS John F. Kennedy drift down the side of a mile-high tsunami and take out the White House? Big. Dumb. Fun.” Austin Chronicle Marc Savlov

2012_poster-2

Knock knock

Who’s there?

The USS John F. Kennedy.

USS John F. Kennedy who-ly crap-ton of water!

“It’s cinematic waterboarding and there was more than one occasion during the film when I was convinced it was never going to end.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page

On one hand it’s never-ending torture.  On the other, it’s a lot of movie bang for your buck.

“This film that imagines the end of the world not as a whimper but as an implosion is a preposterously diverting, instantly forgettable, big-screen video game.” Philadelphia Inquirer Carrie Rickey

“The result is a state-of-the-art multiplex three-ring circus whose special effects stagger the senses and play like a video game, whose human drama aims for the cosmic and lands waist-deep in the Big Silly.” Boston Globe Ty Burr

The comparison between disaster movies and video games is disturbingly common.  Are there any video game scholars reading this who’d like to question that association?  Or is it understandable given that nearly every AAA (ie top tier) game includes exploding: people, grenades, buildings, and whatever else is around?

john-cusack-in-2012

Does he expect to see falling asteroids or money?

“As always in Emmerich’s rollicking Armageddons, the cannon speaks with an expensive bang, while the fodder gets afforded nary a whimper. Of course, that’s just part of disaster’s simple recipe: Blow us up, then blow us off.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Rick Groen

Before any more critics blow a fuse, let’s move on to the mostly true story of a group of DJs who sailed a boat around the UK blowing kids minds with rock and roll in the 60s: Pirate Radio (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

pirate-radio-poster“Pirate Radio is a great soundtrack in search of a movie. It never really finds one.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic

Where did it look?

“Pirate Radio, the new rock-saturated comedy that proves life really is better when it’s set to a ’60s soundtrack, is, to borrow from the Stones, “a gas! gas! gas!”’ Los Angeles Times Betsy Sharkey

I can think of a lot of places where that chant wouldn’t go over well.

“Writer-director Richard Curtis is about as rock n’ roll as the average great-grandmother, so it’s no surprise that Pirate Radio, his ode to the irrepressible spirit of ’60s classic rock, has all the electricity of a knitted sweater.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

What if I rubbed a balloon on the sweater?  Would that amp things up?

“Pirate Radio is, in the end, about as rock-revolutionary as a tea break. But the choppy production floats on a great soundtrack (the real pirates are the Rolling Stones) and is buoyed by an inviting cast.” Entertainment Weekly Lisa Schwarzbaum

Somewhere between the knitted sweater and the tea break, I got distracted and sailed onto Wes Anderson’s warm fuzzy animated caper movie, The Fantastic Mr. Fox (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  Sporting old school animation, source material courtesy of Roald Dahl (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), and the best reviews of the weekend, let’s hear what we’re in for.

fantastic_mr_fox_poster2“A pleasantly cerebral experience, exhilarating and fizzy, that goes to your head like too much Champagne.” Los Angeles Times Kenneth Turan

A kid’s movie that will get you drunk?  How is that not part of the film promotion?

“Genuinely original: a silly, hilarious and oddly profound adaptation for adult-sized children.” Ian Nathan Empire Magazine

Adult-sized children sure, but what about children-sized adults?

“Anderson has pulled off the most elusive of goals: He’s made a nonchalant masterpiece, a movie that feels dog-eared and loved before it’s even reached our hands.” Salon.com Stephanie Zacharek

poordog

Dog-eared and lovable?

“Fantastic Mr. Fox is possibly the finest picture about family, community and poultry thievery ever made.” Stephanie Zacharek Salon.com

In the poultry thievery genre, it beat out Chicken Run, Chicken Little, and The Case of the Maltese Chicken.  So, what are the nay-sayers saying?

“Honestly, this really isn’t some kind of Transatlantic stand-off on our part. But how much longer are we expected to stand impotently by while Hollywood arrogantly Americanises our every British children’s icon? “ Ali Catterall Channel 4 Film

Despite the anger from purists, this film made a believer out of at least one Scrooge.

“Fantastic Mr. Fox renews one’s sense of animation’s possibilities.” Armond White New York Press

pat-j-avatar

PDJ is an adult-sized adult

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