Comments Off on 09/21/2009
Hello all,
A quick word about last weekend’s movies: once again, a Tyler Perry movie took the number 1 spot beating the nearest movie by over $10 million. Since it was released without any critical attention, I didn’t pay attention to it. But, for those readers who like to hear movie news in this blog rather than offbeat humor, it is called I Can Do Bad All By Myself (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) and was considered one of Perry’s best. Now then, on to newer movies. With so few fall movies being universally loved, the variety of options can end up looking like mediocre buffet when you’re not hungry. However, the first movie has more pies in the sky and pears in the air than any other: Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“It’s raining big food and big laughs in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, a hysterically funny and wildly clever new ‘toon that could just turn out to be the most purely entertaining and inventive animated comedy of the year.” Pete Hammond Boxoffice Magazine
Is ‘toon making a comeback as a slang term? Or perhaps he was saving time, by not calling it a computer generated narrative involving exaggerated humanoid proportions and cartoon expressions.
“Leaves us with is sporadic showers of laughs for kids under 10. That’s a shame, because the film could have been a delight for everyone, if only it hadn’t learned to behave.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Stephen Cole
It’s missing the hooligan spirit? The punk perspective?
If the author didn't behave, it could have been called "Cloudy With A Chance Of Knuckle Sandwiches"
“The psychedelic-era Beatles would have loved this film.” Rene Rodriguez Miami Herald
Who can forget those Beatles classics: Lucy In The Sky With Dumplings and I Want To Hold Your Hoagie?
“A magnificently executed comic fantasy. After watching a parade of hamburger hail, ice cream snowball fights, and Jell-O kingdoms, the film is sure to leave viewers starving upon exit. Armageddon never looked so delicious.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com
I look forward to the Yumpocalypse. Next up, the former stripper turned screenwriter turned Academy Award winner, Diablo Cody, casts Megan Fox as a hottie who’s naughty in Jennifer’s Body (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“Two problems: Cody’s script is barely funny and what humor there is gets crushed by the heavy-handed direction of Karyn Kusama and the marginal acting skills of Megan Fox.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine
That sounded like three problems: 1) Missing comedy 2) Odd directing 3) Bad acting. Any other issues?
“Jennifer’s Body plays it safe and familiar. Juno would not be pleased.” Geoff Berkshire Metromix.com
4) A fictional character from the same creator hates it.
“There is within Diablo Cody the soul of an artist, and her screenplay brings to this material a certain edge, a kind of gleeful relish, that’s uncompromising. This isn’t your assembly-line teen horror thriller.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times
5) There is an assembly-line somewhere making teen horror thrillers, but Jennifer’s Body didn’t come from it.
Her tattoo says "if you can read this, you're too close stalker-boy!"
“Cody still exercises her fastball now and again, aiming her one-liners toward the teen characters, who spit out the mallrat razzle-dazzle unconvincingly, as if reading the smeared verbal diarrhea off cue cards.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com
6) Cue cards smeared with diarrhea (even the verbal kind) are gross.
“Fanboys get to drool over haughty, come-hither Megan Fox, playing the oversexed and undead title character. And fangirls get a feminist version of a genre that typically is made in the image of a male fantasy.” Duane Dudek Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
7) Megan Fox is a proudly go-thither undead feminist sexpot.
“About as formidable and entertaining as a case of blue balls.” Chris Cabin Filmcritic.com
8 ) Ummm…. Wait. Are these my balls or someone elses? Nevermind. Let’s ignore that question and ask why the next movie has an exclamation point in the title: The Informant! (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“He’s never been one to indulge, but there once was a time when Soderbergh was able to please. Sadly, The Informant! never earns its exclamation point. It’s more of an ellipses motion picture.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com
Matt Damon is The Informant… (the ellipses adds an unwritten ‘or is he?’ to the end). Since there is debate over punctuation, the success of the movie must have split votes as well. Let’s hear a Pro:
“A movie of chuckles rather than belly-laughs…but they really add up. In its unforced, loopy way, this is one of the funniest pictures of the year.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion
Funniest of the year! Con…
“It’d be a tragedy if it weren’t so richly absurd, but it would also make for better comedy if the joke weren’t on us. The Informant! laughs so long and hard that it forgets to check whether we’re laughing along.” Ty Burr Boston Globe
Let me get this straight – I’m the punchline and the movie is laughing at me?
“Unfortunately, every laugh is bludgeoned nearly to death by Marvin Hamlisch’s jokey score of neo-James Bond riffs and 70s sitcom melodies; I liked the movie quite a bit, but by the end I felt as if I were at a live TV show with a blinking sign ordering me to LAUGH.” Chicago Reader J.R. Jones
Wait, now I’m being ordered to laugh at myself? Okay, enough about who’s laughing at whom, I hear Damon is the biggest reason to see this movie. Confirmation please.
These guys could pass as brothers. They should totally do a movie together
“A comic tour de force from Damon, who gained 30lbs and sports an unflattering moustache as the dishonest and delusional Whitacre. But it’s a performance that never loses sight of the man behind the lies.” Premiere Mark Salisbury
You mean, the liar?
“Soderbergh takes a deadly serious news story and amplifies and colors it to the point of outrageousness. The results aren’t always consistent, but they are undeniably compelling.” Claudia Puig USA Today
Undeniably compelling sounds pretty good. And it sounds better than the things critics said about the romancitic dramady with Aaron Eckhart and Jennifer Aniston: Love Happens (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
“One of those sticky dramas.” Boston Globe Ty Burr
There are a few film genres that can be ‘sticky,’ but drama isn’t usually one of them.
“The title is a good indication of this movie’s blandness and predictability.” The Hollywood Reporter Stephen Farber
Would the title be better if it was: Love With A Chance Of Happening?
“It might sound intriguing to root the saying, “Physician, heal thyself,” in the plight of a hypocritical self-help guru, but the romantic drama Love Happens suffers from acute irony deficiency.” Baltimore Sun Michael Sragow
Get them to the Humor Hospital STAT!
“There are no sparks, not the slightest sign of chemistry, between Eckhart and Aniston. They might be Hansel and Gretel wandering endlessly through tame thickets of feeling.” Kathleen Murphy MSN Movies
Cancel the hospital, get them to a gingerbread house.
PDJ thinks Hansel is so hot right now. Gretel...not so much
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Spooks, scares, and screams are the order of the day this weekend. Whether crafted for college students (Sorority Row), arctic detectives (Whiteout), or little sack-boy puppet people (9), this weekend is all about making people squirm. So with a Wikipedia page of every phobia, a cup of coffee, and a few hours, let’s roundup the best reviews and prove that I’m not a decidophobic (person afraid of making decisions).
We start with 9 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic), which came out on 9-9-09, which could only be more numericly contrived if it cost $9.99 for a 9-shaped ticket and the movie was 99 minutes long. But the movie is only 79 minutes long and it makes you wonder if 9 people were fired because it was too short.
“Not a perfect 10, but its imperfection is what makes it gripping and bewitching.” Baltimore Sun Michael Sragow
So, it’s not a 10, but it’s close. Like higher than an 8, but not quite there. What would be a good number?
“Who the heck was this post-apocalyptic rock’em sock theater made for? Not kids, not adults, not even really stupid adults. I haven’t seen something with less of an audience since Cameron Diaz was on Inside the Actor’s Studio.” Mike Ward Richmond.com
You just summoned the ire of the Cameron Diaz fan club mister!
Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia – fear of the number 666. (turned upside down it’s 999!)
“Does 9 rival last year’s “Wall E” as the best post-apocalyptic “cartoon”? The short answer is Nein. 9 is, however, a visual stunner.” Washington Post Michael Cavna
“It is really hard to connect with these things… They have arms and legs and heads, but they still feel like yarn balls fighting. WALL-E was a box, but he was a box you could have a beer with.” Fred Topel Can Magazine
The Frankenstein Complex: the fear of robots (according to Issac Asimov)
“The best reason to see it is simply because of the creativity of its visuals. They’re entrancing.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert
“Exquisite visuals aside, 9 plays like a sock monkey version of Doom.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune
Despite all the disagreement, 9 is still the highest reviewed movie of the weekend. Two movies to go. Are you scared yet?
I hope these scream queens aren't Necrophobics (fear of death, the dead).
Next up, a stab-then-snicker throwback to the 80’s slasher genre: Sorority Row (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic). Does it go beyond the summary?
“It’s hard not to love a slasher film in which the killer has such a sound argument for knocking off half a dozen victims: ‘Let’s face it. These are horrible people.'”Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) St. Paul Pioneer Press
All vampires should be heliophobics (fear of sunlight)
“A 1980s horror remake finally graduates to being a fun, smart guilty pleasure.” Hilton Thomas Empire Magazine Australasia
“Sorority Row proves to be just another crass slasher movie, recycling familiar ingredients to diminishing effect.” Allan Hunter Screen International
Gelotophobia - fear of being laughed at.
“Sorority Row isn’t remotely scary, but it’s still a lot more fun than it ought to be thanks to strong performances and a witty, terrifically bitchy script.” Matthew Turner ViewLondon
Terrifically bitchy!
“Imagine being trapped inside a pungent shoebox with the over-caffeinated morning shift of Forever 21 while an inept epileptic captures the small talk with a camera he lost the instruction manual for. That’s Sorority Row.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com
Terrifically confusing summary!
Cryophobia – fear of ice, cold temperatures
Last up, the murder/mystery/thriller set in Antarctica: Whiteout (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic). It’s also likely to cause panic for nomophobics (people afraid of being out of mobile phone contact).
“Some films feel off from the get-go. They don’t hang together, despite the best intentions. Whiteout, a singularly unsuspenseful, unexciting, unthrilling Arctic thriller starring Underworld’s Kate Beckinsale, isn’t exactly one of these. It’s even worse.” Philadelphia Inquirer Tirdad Derakhshani
“Its worst offense is assuming the audience is so dumb that it’ll be shocked by one of the most telegraphed endings in movie history. On second thought, maybe the filmmakers got their wish: Whiteout is shocking, shockingly bad.” Randy Myers San Jose Mercury News
So, it’s worse than terrible and beyond bad. Are there no exciting elements?
Coulrophobia – fear of clowns (and not just evil clowns)
“Set in Antarctica, but unbelievably boring. I kept hoping for something unexpected to show up, like a killer penguin, but it never did.” Daily Mail [UK]
Perhaps that reviewer has sphenisphobia (fear of penguins)
“It’ll take all day to list all the things that are wrong with Whiteout.” Tirdad Derakhshani Philadelphia Inquirer
Well, we don’t have all day, so let’s have a final word and go enjoy our weekends.
“If you want the real Whiteout experience, just read the book. Or ask the manager of your local 7-Eleven if you can play Clue in the beer cooler.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC
PDJ has Phobophobia – fear of having a phobia.
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