All About Gamer Extract

by on September 4, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

This weekend you have your pick of workplace satire, videogame/entertainment satire, and celebrity/news satire.  I hope you’re in the mood for praise and flattery (j/k), because two of the three movies are the unfunny kind of ironic mocking where people misinterpret humor for cruelty (or maybe the jokes aren’t funny).  Sounds like fun right (sarcasm)?  First up, All About Steve (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) a Sandra Bullock ‘comedy’ about stalking.

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“The only laughs elicited by All About Steve are those of incredulity.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

No way!  Impossible!  I can’t believe it!  It’s Bullock!  She’s too likable!

“How do you make a movie about a protagonist so profoundly irritating that even her loved ones barely tolerate her? And how do you avoid annoying audiences to the point of distraction in the process?” The Onion (A.V. Club) Nathan Rabin

How do you answer a rhetorical question?

“A salute to stalkers not recommended for cops, celebrities or anyone else.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

So, stalkers only?  That would be a fun group to see it with; everyone would be hiding behind curtains and eyeing each other suspiciously.  So, since the reviews are abysmal, let’s end with some praise.

“Easily the worst movie of the week, month, year, and Bullock’s entire career. It is to comedy what leprosy once was to the island of Molokai: a plague best contemplated from many miles away.” Ty Burr Boston Globe

Psych!  Next up, a violent action movie about death row inmates being controlled by players in Gamer (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  Since this is a satire of gaming culture and entertainment, we will tailor the remaining reviews to readers with SAS.

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“[Directors] Neveldine and Taylor simply spray their venom across the screen with little vision, once again making a friendly trip to the multiplex feel like undeserved torture.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page

“Gamer grabs you by the back of the head and runs you through a minefield with internal organs flying at you around every corner…It’s fast, mean and dirty as all hell.” Uncle Creepy Dread Central

“Stunningly impersonal and underdeveloped, Gamer consists of pawns posing as people going through the motions of directors Neveldine’s and Taylor’s ugly orgy of style over substance.” Dustin Putman TheMovieBoy.com

To sum up, Gamer is a venomous orgy of undeserved torture in an impersonal minefield.  Is there anything else to it?

“When they open a Bad Movie Hall of Fame, there’ll be a display case waiting for Amber Valletta’s shorts.” Jordan Hoffman UGO

How about the Hall of Flame?

Inaugural member of the Hall of She's Got Game(r)

The last movie is Mike Judge’s (creator of Office Space, King Of The Hill, and Beavis and Butthead) newest criticism of workplace stupidity: Extract (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  extract-poster-691x1024

According to critics, this is the only successful satire out this weekend, but even that claim is suspect.  For example, compare this:

“The funniest American comedy of the summer.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

With this:

“May be the most disappointing American comedy of the decade, partly because it’s jokeless and joyless but mostly because it squanders an all-star cast of superb comic talent.” Washington Post Dan Zak

And somewhere between those bipolar voices is the idea that Extract will end up in the same cult category as Office Space and Idiocracy:

“Extract seems destined to do minor business at the box office but achieve a kind of immortality as a cult DVD, to be quoted from at parties and passed around to friends. Which may be just fine by its creator–as Beavis and Butt-head have taught us, snickering with your friends in front of the television can is one of life’s great joys.” Slate Dana Stevens

I’ve never heard of a ‘television can’ but I’ll assume that it’s an ‘over my head’ concept rather than a typo.  As the only potentially effective satire of the week, what makes it special?

“White trash meets white collar in Extract, Mike Judge’s workplace comedy — which contains more reality than the last five documentaries I’ve seen.” New York Post Kyle Smith

PDJ wonders if throwing a white collar in the trash counts as satire

PDJ wonders if throwing a white collar in the trash counts as satire

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Classical Movements

by on September 3, 2009 at 1:37 am
Posted In: Uncategorized

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I am writing this post from within the small hollow I’ve created inside a mountain of moving boxes.  After a more prolonged excavation, this area will look more like my home office, but for now it’s a cross between the Batcave and the warehouse at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”  Lots of boxes, no light, and crazy clown out there who wants to kill me.

I really need to play “Arkham Asylum.”

The last seven days have been a whirlwind.  All of August, Becky and I have been looking for a new place to hang our hats, but we had no luck.  Finally, at the last possible moment, we caught a break.  We found it last monday, walked through on Tuesday, signed the papers Thursday, got the keys Saturday, and immediately began moving.  It took five generous friends (who were rewarded with beer and pizza), one 17 ft. U-Haul truck (which was rewarded with gentle treatment), and six hous of mild pandemonium (which was my reward for not being completely packed) to transport all of our worldly possessions to our new gleaming castle of a home.

It’s not a castle in the sense that it’s a fortified position from where I can expand my dominion over the surrounding valley, but rather in the sense that it’s nice.  It’s nice inside and out, and we even have nice neighbors.  At the over-priced apartment complex we just fled, a greeting of “Hello” was usually met with a mumble and head-bob before the neighbor quickly darted into their home as though I’d been trying to figure out what size of cooking pot they would fit into.

Here, everyone we’ve seen has smiled, introduced themselves, and welcomed us to the building.  What’s more, I’ve heard that if our upstairs neighbor intends to have a loud party, he either issues an invitation, or sends cupcakes as compensation.  Cupcakes.  It’s like the Stepford Neighbors.

The condo itself is so nice I feel like I’m staying at someone else’s home, and even the neighborhood pets are friendly.  Any day now, I expect an elderly mustachioed gentleman in a white linen suit will knock on our door and ask if we’d like to join the rest of the community at the next black sabbath.

Only he wouldn’t call it that, he’d call it a “Renewal,” and promise free coffee and glazed doughnuts, so of course we’d go, and it wouldn’t be until after the social hour and icebreakers that the old guy would say, “Alright everyone, say hello to Jared, our virgin sacrifice,” and part of me would think, “Huh, I though only girls were made into virgin sacrifices,” but another part would say, “Dude, they’re gonna feed that poor guy to the snake demon, and we’ve gotta do something,” and WOW did I go off on a tangent.

Exhaustion and lack of sleep have turned me into a zombie assemblage of my former parts held together by caffeinated glue, and fueled by digital cable.

Soon, I’ll have unpacked enough boxes that I’ll be able to sit up straight in my desk again, and return to a normal sleeping pattern.  I only hope that the Ark of the Covenant isn’t among the emergent clutter since I prefer my face unmelted.

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Food Review: The Black Cypress – Pullman, WA

by on September 1, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Posted In: Blog
Here is the owner, only he's normally radiating coolness

Nick Pitsilionis: serious about food

I intended for the Black Cypress to be a first of mine.  I wanted to spend the first dollar they ever earned, in part because a friend of mine was the owner/proprietor of the restaurant (Nick Pitsilionis) and in part because I’d always wanted to do that.  I’ve stared curiously into the dusty frames of bars and coffee shops and wondered, ‘Was that dollar from a supportive friend or a lucky stranger?”  It looked like an essential bit of history for every business: proof that they sold something.  In the religion of capitalism it was a symbol meant to ward off failure.  I wanted to offer that protection to my friend’s endeavor.  I wanted that small scrap of fame.

When my wife and I arrived thirty minutes before the restaurant unofficially soft-opened, I thought we might end up lingering in a corner while the wait and kitchen staff dealt with their first night jitters, but they met their first day challenge with preparation and professionalism.  We were quickly seated and I grumbled to see that arriving 30 minutes early hadn’t earned me any advantage in the ‘first dollar’ challenge.  Two other tables were already seated with drinks in hand.  I hurried to catch up and ordered a beer. The incoming trickle of guests, many of them friends and supporters of Nick, was met with efficiency and smiles by the staff.  As tables were slid together our group took in the unpretentiously trendy sights, calmingly jazzy sounds, and wood fire cooking smells.

As I tasted my first appetizer (Grilled cheese sandwiches where luscious cheese is elevated by sweet fruit jam) my desire to be first customer began to take hold of my mind. I wanted to honor this place because it was important.  To me.  To my town.  To my friends.  This was a restaurant that brought class and refinement to a near-invisible town in the Palouse wheat fields.  The owner spent a lifetime in restaurants, from Greece to Alaska with training at restaurants in New York and now landed in Pullman.  As residents, we are witness to a new culinary talent that probably doesn’t belong here forever.  This restaurant should be a source of pride and inspiration for all locals.  We have a new place to take visitors we hope to impress.  There will be lines out the entrance for high school dances and romantic holidays.  You will have discussions with friends over who had the better dish.

I had been worried that opening day would be a slow start for quality and patronage.  I was wrong about both. The restaurant filled every table and bar seat. Each dish was passed by reluctant hands and received by greedy ones.  Our group tried 4 of 5 appetizers, a dazzlingly fresh salad, all but one of the available steak, pork, lamb, and fresh pasta options, and a desert that wasn’t on the menu.  If you are reading this, you are now in the know – ask for the brownies with house-made marshmallows and peanut brittle.

If you doubt the sincerity or adulation of this review I urge you to taste the food for yourself.  If there was a complaint, it was from guests sitting on the hardwood benches, but a steady flow of alcohol and food cured all discomfort.  This review is more memoir than menu-focused, because I wanted to share the experience by reflecting my appreciation of it.  And I was not alone.  Near the end of our meal, Nick hurried out of the kitchen for the first time, the huge list of tasks needing his attention showed on his busy face.   He had come out to deliver food, but he was greeted with a cacophonous roar of applause.  Thank you Nick.  Thank you for sharing what you love with all of us.

PDJ looks forward to spending many future dollars at the Black Cypress

PDJ looks forward to spending many future dollars at the Black Cypress

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Halloween Destination: Woodstock?

by on August 29, 2009 at 9:06 am
Posted In: humor, movie reviews, updates

This weekend features two ridiculous horror movies and a retrospective comedy about a legendary concert minus the music.  Could you ask for a clearer sign that summer movies are over?  We’ve hit the fall movie season and all its unmarketable foolishness.  I don’t mean to imply that fall movies are generally bad, but they are hard to sell.  After all, our first movie is The Final Destination (and this time they mean it) (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) – part 4 in a series that hopes to dodge the past by ignoring the numbering system inherent to most franchises.  Also, it’s in 3-D, which is cinema’s best publicity stunt since…well…3-D.  Amazingly, modern 3-D is impressive rather than gimmicky – if only the movie didn’t seem predestined to suck like most part 4’s.

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“With an array of gory mayhem only marginally enhanced by 3-D and a plot as developed as a text message, The Final Destination may finally sound the death knell for New Line’s near-immortal horror franchise.” Variety Jordan Mintzer

A horror plot based a text message and an immortal horror franchise?  It sounds like the premise to a Stephen King novella, or a heavy-handed intro to a new Saw movie.

“Too many digital effects ruin the spell of a tactile world of evil objects scheming your demise. But even a mediocre FD is better than more Jigsaw.” Time Out New York Joshua Rothkopf

So, it’s only good if we compare it to something terrible?  It sounds like critics can’t agree on what makes this movie lame.  Anyone up for a guess?

“This isn’t a franchise, it’s an arcade game.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Disturbing.  After all, this is a series devoted to ensuring the deaths of its protagonists via urban legend death traps (for example, this movie includes scenes of mayhem-inducing crashes at a race track, rocks being lethally propelled from lawnmowers, pool suction devices pulling innards from attractive 20-somethings, and escalators turning deadly).  The video game simulation of these events sounds like something Congress would be upset about if they ever ran out of important topics to discuss.

“A car has a flat and the whole world blows up, for no particular reason, until everyone’s dead.” Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com

Kaboom!  Fantastic summary!  Now then, explosions are likely to be in short supply for the Rob Zombie slasher film: Halloween 2 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic), which continues the perplexing tradition of releasing holiday movies on weekends that are unrelated to the film’s premise.

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“Repellent not only in content but in visual style, writer-director Rob Zombie’s hatchet job on the series he revived so artfully two years ago plays like a violent act of euthanasia.” Rob Nelson Variety

Can the sequel be inferior to the original if the original was a remake?  After all, aren’t acts of ‘violent euthanasia’ the whole point of the slasher genre?

“Halloween II is every bit as pointless a sequel to the first as that film was a pointless remake of the John Carpenter classic.” Uncle CreepyDread Central

I had to read that review twice because I’m not sure if Uncle Creepy is saying that this pointless sequel was as pointless as the original pointless sequel (Halloween 2 with Jamie Lee Curtis) rather than Rob Zombie’s 2007 pointless remake.  Whew.  Who knew pointlessness could be so confusing?

“Anyone uninitiated with Rob Zombie’s brand of grainy hillbilly brutality would be better served by eating a bran muffin and steering clear of this particular horror film, because it’s a compliment to call it a piece of crap.” Todd Gilchrist Sci Fi Wire

Wow.  If being a “piece of crap” is the upside of the sequel/remake, I’ll try not to picture the downside.   I hope a similar fate doesn’t await the fictionalized story of growing up at the 1960’s iconic cultural event in Taking Woodstock (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

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“If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to be there – to actually be there, man – this movie gets it.” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle

Yeah man, this movie gets it.  It’s like, you know, essential fictionalization and stuff.

“Lee distills the flavor of this transforming event and hints at how it transformed some who were there. His movie is a contact high.” Philadelphia Inquirer Carrie Rickey

Wait a second.  Are you promoting that this film will get you high just by watching it?   If so, fuck 3-D.

“Taiwanese director Ang Lee sees the ’60s through a rose-colored telephoto lens, but his sympathetic spirit extends the generous message of the hippie era like a passed joint.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

I’m starting to sense some false expectations here, after all this is a fall movie and therefore cannot be perfect.  What’s the downside?

“It’s a frustrating complication of a movie with a sprawling story and grand ambitions — and some truly grand acting — that stumbles almost as often as it soars. Bummer.” Los Angeles Times Betsy Sharkey

Totally bummer, especially considering that Woodstock is the best reviewed movie of the weekend.  Rather than going to see a movie (and if you live in Pullman), I’d recommend going to the Black Cypress instead.  It’s a new restaurant that a friend of mine opened and the food served there is far better than any feast for the eyes offered by this week’s entertainment.  If you’re local, check it out.  If you’re not, save your cash and avoid the theater’s this week unless you’re seeing something older.

PDJ is hungry for more great food courtesy of the Palouse’s first culinary hotpot.

PDJ is hungry for more great food courtesy of the Palouse’s first culinary hotpot.

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