Comments Off on 05/25/2009
Let’s start by explaining the title. While the ‘sequel’ part is pretty self explanatory (three on-going franchises release movies this weekend), but the ‘mageddon’ part might need some clarification. See, I’m a huge fan of suffix (miss)use. Like much of modern language, the meanings of words change over time. For example, glamorous used to mean that a person cast a glamour or magic hiding spell on themselves. It was a very negative term, but now it means bewitching minus the witch. This is where it gets fun. Adding a suffix makes new, sometimes awesometacular words (trust me, I’m in an English major). ‘Maggedon’ is a suffix that can describe something as a destructive force. Another example would be ‘fu’ (as in kung-fu, movie-fu or stunt-fu) means that something is an orchestrated physical act (like a martial art). Okay, now that the grammar lesson portion of this roundup is over, let’s put it into practice with Terminator Suckmageddon. Sorry, Terminator Salvation (Rotten Tomatoes 34%; Metacritic 51%).
Okay, perhaps it’s not a destructive force of suckiness. But, I can’t help but wonder when I read reviews like this:
“Salvation is a cold, blunt summer movie misfire, infatuated with mindless explosions like an infant with fecal matter…a lumbering, joyless detour into unappetizing Hollywood recycling.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page
He’s not recommending it to anyone except infants infatuated with poo. On the other side of the quality spectrum:
“McG’s tone is “Apocalypse Now” by way of Philip K. Dick, and the film packs a war-movie wallop to go with its sleek blockbuster sensibilities. Tough, fast and exhilarating, it’s a worthy addition to the franchise even if Christian Bale is not.” Nick Rogers Suite101.com
Ouch, the reverse shout-out: “Everyone in the movie was great, except that guy.”
“I don’t want to make Bale angry, but his weak supporting role isn’t what we expected from iconic messiah John Connor.” Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com
He might be scary when he's angry, but at least he's happy about it
Enough ganging up on Bale. Didn’t you hear about the rage-fu he unleashed on an unsuspecting crewman? Let’s redirect our discussion towards explosions (which seems to be Salvation’s salvation).
“A good summer movie isn’t just an uninterrupted crescendo of cacophony. You need stuff IN BETWEEN the fireballs and the cyborgs.” Slate Dana Stevens
Like more action?
Or Terminator slurpees?
“Most of the running time is occupied by action sequences, chase sequences, motorcycle sequences, plow-truck sequences, helicopter sequences, fighter-plane sequences, towering android sequences and fistfights. It gives you all the pleasure of a video game without the bother of having to play it.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert
But playing video games isn’t a bother, they’re games. That’s like saving someone the time it takes to tell a joke by repeating it in your head and laughing for them.
There's nothing funny about robot leprosy. Say, has anyone seen my hand?
“There’s a certain sad sci-fi irony when one considers that the first Terminator film to feature a robot with a human heart is also the first film in the series that feels like it has no soul.” Jason Buchanan TV Guide’s Movie Guide
Well, at least it has a heart.
“It’s got all the heart of a demolition derby.” Kyle Smith New York Post
Crap. Well, I don’t go to demolition derbies for dramatic expressionism. Every time I try to convince myself to see it, I read someone expressing my biggest fears. Angriest critic in America, what do you say?
“McG’s boyish sensationalism is inoffensive, justified by paying attention to how Wright preserves an unlikely human essence. Worthington is a find. He suggests a pin-up version of the character actor Michael Rooker and gives the franchise’s most empathetic performance since Linda Hamilton’s stunned, almost-silent-movie pantomime of fear and surprise in Terminator 2. Worthington makes Wright’s sacrifice pitiable, strong and a little orgasmic.” Armond White New York Press
Oh shit, he liked it. Armond liked it. He didn’t like Star Trek (95%), Milk (94%), or Slumdog Millionaire (94%), but he liked this. Well, that settles it. Terminator is craptacular. We’re all better off rewatching the trailer and pocketing ten bucks. Next stop on our train to Sequeltown is Night at the Museum 2: Battle for the Smithsonian (M – 60%; RT – 42%).
“Bigger, longer, and even more chaotically crowded (more stars! more f/x!) than its predecessor, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian proves that adding another ring doesn’t make for a better circus.” Lael Loewenstein Variety
But it does make for a bigger circus. If tickets cost the same, it still sounds like an improvement.
“How can one movie contain Ricky Gervais, Hank Azaria, Steve Coogan, Amy Adams, Christopher Guest, Bill Hader, Mindy Kaling, Jay Baruchel and Craig Robinson while offering so very little in the way of laughs?” Alonso Duralde MSNBC
I think someone else could answer that question for you.
“As it turns out, 93 main characters is too many.” Matt Pais Metromix.com
Bingo. Well, part 2 sounds like the same innocuous entertainment offered by the original.
“This is what you call a wholesome kiddie movie on drugs.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly
That’s what the first one was like? I thought it was a wholesome kiddie movie on historical factoids. Oh well, it will still make an embarrassing amount of money just like the last one. Our final film this weekend isn’t technically part of a series, but it sure looks like another addition to the never-ending mini-genre of hack spoofs.
It’d probably be more fun to mock the poster, but amazingly the movie is tied on reviewer quality with everything else coming out: Dance Flick (RT 42%).
“We live in desperate times. But no one’s desperate enough to laugh at Dance Flick. Which is sort of encouraging, no?” John Anderson Newsday
You know, that is sort of encouraging.
“A very funny, very entertaining film. Is it perfect? No way. Does it live up to the reputation of classic comedy spoofs like Airplane! and The Naked Gun? Well… yes.” Bill Gibron Filmcritic.com
It does? Well….shit. That is amazing. I’m stunned.
“If you thought the world couldn’t get enough of bad spoof movies, you thought wrong.” Boston Globe Danny Deza
Clearly I thought wrong. I will now hang my head in my own personal shamemaggedon.
PDJ is a master of blog-fu
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Remember The DiVinci Code? That book/movie/phenomena that entertained a lot of people, but ultimately amounted to nothing but fuel for low-tier conspiracy theorists? Well, now you get more of the same from Tom Hanks & Ron Howard in Angels & Demons (RT 49% & M 52%). It’s a coin flip for quality, so lets not worry about successes & failures and give you insight into what it’s like to sit through the movie.
“Imagine going to a library to research arcane religious history while listening to a medieval church choir too loudly on your iPod…” Josh Larsen LarsenOnFilm
Okay, but couldn’t the same effect be reached by making a New Age Pandora set list & browsing Wikipedia?
“At its best, Angels & Demons is backpacker porn, taking in a whole lot of Ron Howard’s digitally rendered Rome–the streets, basilicas and museums–without the long line-ups tourists usually face and having the benefit of a pulse-racing conspiracy and pop.” Radheyan Simonpillai Fresh and Frowsy
Great historical sites, no lines, plus free conspiracies? Save yourself a few thousand dollars in travel expenses and enjoy some backpacker porn.
Dramatic pose? Check. Beautiful background? Check. Sequeltastic hair? Check and Mate.
“Despite its lofty aspirations, Angels & Demons is no less artificial and forced than the latest Fast & Furious sequel. Different target audience, same motive: easy money.” Rick Mele AskMen.com
Hey, my money isn’t easy! It just has low standards.
“A shapely, stylish, white-knuckle horror-thriller that hits its marks with blood and thunder. It stinks to heaven, too, but it isn’t lame. The streets of Rome haven’t run this red since the Inquisition.” New York Magazine David Edelstein
Those points make as much sense out of context as they do in context. Hit a mark with blood & thunder while trying to avoid stepping in blood or smelling the un-lame stink of white-knuckle shaped horrific thrills. I confused.
“Ron Howard’s funniest film since Splash!” Sean Burns Philadelphia Weekly
I confused more. So, it’s a horror-thriller unintentional comedy?
Caution: Dan Brown wants you to stand on your head when reading this book
“Dan Brown knows what ingredients to use for a recipe that goes down as easily as a devilish ice cream drenched in glistening, dark chocolate.” Andrew L. Urban Urban Cinefile
And we’re back to food comparisons. It’s always someone who comes across as hungry. Are newspapers not paying these people enough to afford food? Oops. And on that sadish note, let’s switch to something a little crazyish: Big Man Japan (RT 92%; M 60%).
Since very few readers have heard of this little gem, what’s the low-down-dirty?
“…we follow middle-aged bachelor Dai around Tokyo while he feeds his cat, rides the subway, and periodically transforms into a 50-foot tall tattooed wrestler who battles giant monsters.” Luke Y. Thompson OC Weekly
It sounds too weird to be missed.
“I hurt myself laughing at this amazingly inventive mockumentary, and because it’s so good, I refuse to give away much more than an insistent recommendation.” Aaron Hillis Village Voice
I’ll follow that good advice. Enjoy your weekend.
PDJ is neither angel nor demon, but could be a big man in Japan
Comments Off on Making history fun…damentally scary
I think the world is simply amazing.
To illustrate the point: I took some leftover peanut chicken to work for dinner last night. My wife takes chicken boobs or tenders and rolls them in bread crumbs, peanuts, and pixie dust. Then she serves them with garlic fries. Head over here and I’m sure you’ll find it in the archives.
Anyway, I had no choice but to spit in the eye of Natural Order and microwave the chicken at work. Ugh. I’m a big fan of the microwave since it brings magical things like frozen burritos and Hot Pockets to life. However, good for reheating chicken, it ain’t. I usually end up with bread-crumb-and-peanut-wrapped clay.
So I nuke it for 2 minutes, and suddenly realize that I only have the plastic silverware that shop kitchens and family reunions are famous for. When I stab into the chicken with the plastic fork and slice it up with the plastic knife, I find that the heat of the chicken and the pressure of my quad-pointed thrust has made the tines begin to curl. Unwilling to discard the fork simply for a little curliness, I continue.
By the time I’m done, I feel less like I’m poking the chicken with a fork and more like I’m getting ready to hang it from the ceiling of a big freezer. The tines have become almost full curls. It was like a fork from Nightmare Before Christmas.
The part that really made me stop was the fact that I had never before had something like that happen in my life. And it was really good to realize that I can still be surprised in a joyously gleeful and childlike way. It was like a time-out from the hullabaloo of being an adult.
When was the last time that happened to you?
Comments Off on Revenge of the Food