Comments Off on 05/04/2009
This week, one movie wants to claw the last of your disposable income from your increasingly shrinking wallet: X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Rotten Tomatoes 37%; Metacritic: 42%: colons are: awesome. In 2006, the X-Men franchise became too bloated with underdeveloped characters thanks to X-Men: The Last Stand: another title with a colon curse. Now, inspired by the success of The Dark Knight and Iron Man, Hugh Jackman returns in Hollywood’s newest tradition: the summer kick-off comic book blockbuster. The question of whether or not XMO:W will make money is not the issue (of course it will), the issue isn’t whether or not critics will like it (they’re decidedly meh so far), and the issue isn’t Incredible Hulk #180-181 (Wolverine’s first comic book appearance): the issue is how long I can keep this sentence going without making you skip ahead to something more entertaining, which is going well so far if you’re still reading this. Now then, let’s talk trash.
“A below-average superhero movie that suggests we don’t necessarily need a superhero movie every summer.” Josh Larsen LarsenOnFilm
And yet we get one anyway. It’s almost like people keep paying to see superhero movies every summer. Weird.
“When it comes to superhero tales, the two least appealing types are origin stories and prequels. Wolverine has the double disadvantage of being both.” ReelViews James Berardinelli
If it was destined to fail, then at least it’s living up to expectations.
Who stole Wolvie's rubber ducky?
“Plays a bit like a children’s movie…for adults. What you get is a good time on a Saturday afternoon with a full bucket of popcorn and a crowd that can shut the hell up.” Uncle Creepy Dread Central
Thanks Uncle Creepy. Assuming audiences can guarantee a quiet theater devoid of screaming children and a mouth full of butter, salt, and popped corn, this movie gets your full recommendation.
“It’s all so plastic and forgettable, but for the 100 claw-popping minutes immersed deep in Wolverine country, the film remains palatable. Heck, if the actors didn’t bother to speak at all, I’m convinced there’s a masterpiece to be found in here somewhere.” Brian O BrianOrndorf.com
How can it be a masterpiece and ‘plastic and forgettable’ at the same time?
How can this picture be both impressive and terrifying at the same time?
“Whatever actually happened, the explosions all go off on time, which in a film like this is all that really matters.” Kenneth Turan Los Angeles Times
Welcome to the town of Low Expectations: population: that guy.
“A chaotic headbanger, X-Men Origins: Wolverine is saved from pure flat-footed blockbuster franchise adequacy by six things, three of them on Hugh Jackman’s left hand, three on his right.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune
You heard it here first, this movie was saved by a fork, knife, and spoon.
Let’s not lie to ourselves: we don’t need a summer movie to be great for it to be enjoyable, just like I don’t need to use colons properly to make fun of them being used in movie titles, such as: Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (of course I don’t mean to say that these movies will be terrible because of a punctuation choice, it’s just very likely).
“In this trendy new fangled Chippendales style nudie watch-men package pageant on screen, icon fever rules with its chronologically challenged mutant hero, while expecting the rest of us to excel at elaborate memory recall about whatever came before.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze
That review makes about as much sense as:
Gwar music played by the Chipmunks
Dick Cheney winning a humanitarian award
A one legged man at an ass-kicking contest
A reputation for kicking ass probably saves wolverines from lots of fights
” Jackman’s charisma breathes the fire into Wolverine, not the rather pedestrian script or the by-the-numbers action.” Connie Ogle
Once again, Mrs. Ogle is content to stare at man candy for two hours and call it entertainment. Let’s move this roundup in the direction of wrap up. We end with the voices of the high and low scores.
“An action-packed ride filled with nonstop thrills and spectacular visual effects that deserves to be experienced on the big screen with a large crowd.” Avi Offer NYC Movie Guru
“A couple of halfway decent action scenes do little to distract from the story’s mounting ludicrousness, or a conclusion that’s only a little more satisfying than a projector breakdown. Maybe.” Keith Phipps AV Club
Horay and ouch. Enjoy your weekend.
PDJ has retractable eyelids instead of claws
Comments Off on Beware of movies with colons in the title
Well, crap. I left one movie out of this week’s roundup and I was punished for my lack of foresight because it took number 1 this weekend (over $28 million buckaroos).
Is it pronounced Obse-sse-duh?
The success of the critically-panned Beyoncé Knowles/Ali Larter Fatal Attraction rip off Obsessed (RT 21% M 24%) might make some reviewers wonder how much their opinion matters. However, the counterpoint is that sometimes people just want to watch entertaining trash. It’s like a dirty little secret that got out and became everyone’s dirty little conversation topic. So, just how dirty is it?
“’I’m not your typical temp,’ said Ali, as she orders a dirty martini, which is a martini in a glass raised by wolves.” Mark Ramsey MovieJuice!
Huh? Is the glass or the martini raised by wolves? More importantly, huh?
“Just when I want cheese, you give me caviar.” Gina Carbone Seacoast Newspapers (NH/Maine)
Since that was a negative review, I guess Obsessed was the cheese? What the holy heck is going on? Did this movie drive reviewers nuts?
“Bottle blonde sexpot in heat with boundary issues on McMansion home invasion spree, with alpha male power as the ultimate female aphrodisiac. All that’s missing is the stained blue dress. I did not have sex with that woman, she had sex with me.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze
Okay, evidence is mounting for the ‘reviewers driven insane” theory. How is Bill Clinton involved in this? And what the hell is a McMansion?
“This is one of those impossible horror movies, like the kind about giant radioactive ants or invading aliens who want to steal our water. Lisa is just a crazy psychotic bitch…” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher
Okay, this whole situation is starting to come into focus. It’s not that reviewers are a few kernels short of a tub; it’s that this movie is absurd and that makes people write absurdities about it.
“Gene Siskel used to talk about the Idiot Plot – a plot that could be resolved in five minutes, were all the characters not complete idiots. Obsessed represents the dictionary definition of the Idiot Plot.” Mike McGranaghan Aisle Seat
That’s the first descriptive word someone’s used to describe this movie: idiotic. So, why was it so popular?
Oh.
“Shades of gray? Moral ambiguity? Who needs ’em. Obsessed traffics in catharsis–we aren’t here to learn about the human condition, we just want to watch Beyonce tromp a tramp.” Amy Nicholson Boxoffice Magazine
Hope you enjoyed your weekend.
PDJ is currently deleting that Ali Larter picture from his computer
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Okay, so the title of this blog makes about as much sense as mocha-flavored tea served in a beer stein, but I couldn’t help but point out some of the odd connections between these movies. In The Soloist (Metacritic – 60%; Rotten Tomatoes – 54%) the man who played Ray Charles in Ray (Jamie Foxx) stars as a mentally unstable musical prodigy along with Robert Downey Jr. who played Iron Man along with Terrance Howard (who played Tony Stark’s friend – Rodney Rhodes) and even though Howard won’t be back for Iron Man 2 (he was replaced with Don Cheadle) he is in Fighting (M – 60% RT – 26%) and (oddly enough) he was in Ray. All that rambling and I didn’t even get to how Terrance Howard stars in the Broadway production of Cat On A Hot Tin Roof with James Earl Jones, who is the narrator for the American version of Earth (M – 71% RT – 85%), which also comes out this week. As you can see, it’s all a little confusing. So, in the interest of simplifying this process, I’ll occlude postulating verbosely about insignificant trivialities.
“I don’t know if Beethoven and a sympathetic newspaper reporter can redeem a messy American city, but this movie makes a plausible case for so fervent a dream.” The New Yorker David Denby
That sounds a little like a superhero comic plot. Can a time-traveling historical figure and a mild mannered reporter saved an American city in peril!?! Then again, perhaps I’m still caught up those odd connections. Next.
“Has moments of power and imagination, but the overworked style and heavy socially conscious bent exude an off-putting sense of self-importance, making for a picture that’s more of a chore than a pleasure to sit through.” Variety Todd McCarthy
Hmm. Perhaps that’s not so bad if it’s the ‘whistle while you work’ type chore.
“The Soloist has all the elements of an uplifting drama, except for the uplift.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert
So, it’s just drama?
“American Idol meets Brother From Another Planet and Beethoven for dummies. What’s missing is any recognition of the impact of poverty and racism on homelessness and mental illness, or why any of it exists in supposedly the most prosperous nation on earth.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze
So, it’s drama without social consciousness?
Innappropriate high five?
“This film version takes a somewhat romanticized view of both journalism and skid row yet is nevertheless a compassionate and compelling look at mental illness.” Kirk Honeycutt Hollywood Reporter
So, it’s back to being just drama. How about the low down on what we could expect?
“The movie, for all its flaws, reminds us that everyone is worth catching, but it’s the actors who best embody that message. They go the full human being.” Ty Burr Boston Globe
As opposed to those actors who only go for half human? And speaking of non-human film participants, Disney’s newest division Disneynature, features three animal families and their travels around this big blue ball of ours: Earth.
“Earth is 85 minutes of graceful animals, scary animals, funny animals, and excruciatingly cute baby animals. A better family-friendly nature film can’t be found.” Frederica Mathewes-Green Christianity Today
Except those scary animals. Doesn’t Disney want to avoid provoking negative sociological responses (ie. terror)?
“This is nature defanged and declawed for kiddie consumption, so the emphasis is on awwww-filled moments.” The New York Times Jeannette Catsoulis
Awwwwwww
“It just feels like cheating. This is the exact footage used in the “Planet Earth” series. I even miss the full Disney treatment. No cute names given to the animals? How will you sell more stuffed animals?” Jeff Bayer The Scorecard Review
Indeed. Like this one:
He could only be cuter if he was holding cavity-inducing sugar water
“The ascribing of emotions to these critters can get a little Lion King-ripe at times. But the filmmakers have filled in around their “family” narratives with footage that is breathtaking enough on a towering screen — and you should find the biggest one possible — that it is hard to object too strenuously.” NPR Bob Mondello
Pretty pictures = no objections. Did I get that right?
“It requires only four words to describe Earth: glorious photography, annoying narration.” ReelViews James Berardinelli
Hold up a sec. James Earl Jones does the narration. Even if he had a cold and was pausing every few minutes to hock up some lung butter, I have trouble imagining it not still being pretty good. All right, let’s wrap up our discussion of Disney commercializing Earth Day by releasing a movie called Earth with the opinions of a cynic and a true believer. Cynic, you’re up first.
“If nature’s what you crave, you’ll have more fun sitting on your porch and watching mosquitoes impact with a bug zapper.” Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com
“Earth, you had me at baby polar bears.” New York Post Kyle Smith
And that’s the enjoyability spectrum for Earth: bug zapping entertainment to cute man-eating animals. Last up, a movie about underground boxing, appropriately called: Fighting.
“For all the utter phoniness of Fighting — the cockeyed, faux-verite shooting, the lurches in storytelling, the lack of character development, a contrived crisis between Shawn and his would-be girlfriend Zulay and Tatum’s dopey-charming thing–Fighting’s not so bad.” Variety John Anderson
I can’t help myself – I’m endlessly entertained by reviews that only point out negatives, but end with assurances that it isn’t as bad as you’d think. It’s like telling someone that hot dogs are made with mechanically recovered meat or meat slurry (according to Wikipedia), but with a little mustard they’re okay. Yum?
“As innocuous as its title, this modest indie about underground street fighting boasts a gritty tongue-in-cheek attitude but (sorry) packs little punch.” Joe Lozito Big Picture Big Sound
You don’t need to apologize to us, except for beginning your review with a linguistic contradiction. Innocuous means harmless, so the movie is as harmless as fighting?
I prefer my street-fighting violence mixed with ironic consumerism
“The rest of the narrative is a smear of gangster clichés, head-slapping collisions of coincidence, and shirtless Tatum scowling. One has to wonder how a homeless street fighter has the time and tools to shave his entire upper body on a daily basis.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com
Really? One has to wonder about daily chest shaving? Maybe we’ll find out in the sequel. Okay, this roundup has gone on long enough. Let’s end with one more volley from a naysayer and a yaysayer.
“The movie never works up a pulpy head of steam. It’s like an exploitation movie that thinks it’s an art movie, only there’s no art to be found.” Village Voice Scott Foundas
Would a ‘pulpy head of steam’ be a feature of an exploitation movie or an art movie? For the sake of clarity, how about a review that uses boxing imagery?
“May not score a knockout, but it sure wins on points.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinions
Assuming that underground street fighting bothers with points, it sounds like a TKO at best. Enjoy your weekend all.
PDJ has NBPITF (Never Been Punched In The Face)
Comments Off on Soloist Fights Earth: Or, Ray Charles and Iron Man + BFF versus Disney
Making some changes and streamlining things. Bear with me. Rawr!
Hehe. That was a bear. “Bear” with me.
Stop shaking your head.
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