King Sheep Productions

With Thanksgiving last week, Christmas a few away and New Years right on Santa’s heels, this week ends up with a case of middle child syndrome – and the movies reflect that. If you only have a passing interest in what comes out each weekend, then you probably haven’t heard of this week’s entries. We’ve got a music history biopic, a zany dark comedy, and a gore-fest actioner that’s already been made (twice) and only one of them made it over 25% positive.

First up, Cadillac Records (69%). Beyonce Knowles continues to insert herself into music history, following up Dreamgirls with this story of Chess Records, which helped redefine music in the 1950’s and 60’s with artists such as Chuck Berry (Mos Def), Muddy Waters (Jeffrey Wright), and Etta James (Beyonce). Records is the only chart topper out this week, so give us some of the greatest hits.

“Magnificent performances and soul-shaking music make up for some narrative stumbles and dubious fictions in this film about the legendary Chicago record label.” Nell Minow Beliefnet

Soul-shaking music. Sounds good – literally.

“If Cadillac Records had a theme song, it would be Zeppelin’s ‘Communication Breakdown’ or House of Pain’s ‘Jump Around.’” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Hm. Since those songs were picked for narrative commentary rather than tonal accuracy, let’s assume that regardless of historical accuracy, we should enjoy the music.

“Just as in real life, no matter what else is going on in these musicians’ lives, the music temporarily makes everything much better.” Tasha Robinson Chicago Tribune Top Critic Icon Top Critic

Awesome. Anyone want to say something inappropriate/irrelevant?

“The cast all looks and sings the part — and Knowles sure fills out James’ tight dresses — just make sure your theater popcorn is coated with grains of salt.” Amy Nicholson I.E. Weekly

Thanks for the popcorn advice. Moving on to Nobel Son 24% – A dark comedy staring Alan Rickman (the bad guy from Die Hard, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, Quigley Down Under, Harry Potter, Sweeny Todd, etc.) who plays an academic who wins the Nobel Prize. Only, as a reward for his fame, someone kidnaps his son and our favorite bad guy decides not to pay the ransom. Despite the rating, Rickman playing a bastard might be the only reason I need to see this movie.

“Although sometimes too self-consciously odd for its own good, the film is at times rollicking good fun, with Alan Rickman having a ball offending everyone within earshot as the brilliant, self-centered Eli Michaelson.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic Top Critic Icon Top Critic

If you’re a fan, there’s your reason for taking a chance. For everyone else: what went wrong?

“The director, Randall Miller, appears to be trying to cross a bad Elmore Leonard thriller with a bad indie-festival family-angst comedy.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

Any time you have to use two hyphens to describe the genre, you’re already in trouble. So the movie has come confused ideas about its genre. How bad could that be?

“Nobel Son was one of my most unpleasant filmgoing experiences of 2008 (and in a year like this, that’s saying something).” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

Wow. Despite seeing Eliza Dushku acting like a sexed up poet and Alan Rickman hamming it up as an uber-bastard, this one sounds like a stinker.
And speaking of stinkers, last up is Punisher: War Zone 16%, which is aiming for ‘so bad its good’ but ended up closer to ‘pure shit’. But, rather than let negativity win, let’s see if we can put a positive spin on one of the lowest scores of the month.

“Punisher: War Zone is 100 minutes of people getting shot in the face – bad Italian stereotypes, non-existent narrative, and people getting shot in the face.” Bill Gibron PopMatters

Well, ‘Yay!’ for people who like seeing people get shot in the face. It was so impressive it got mentioned twice. What else you got?

“A picture of deliberate stupidity and derivative artistry, Punisher: War Zone is so atrocious it makes professional wrestling look like a whimsical afternoon with Shakespeare in the Park by comparison.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

Yay for people who like professional wrestling enough to compare it Shakespeare!

You’re probably better off with the source material

“Gore-drenched actioner is guaranteed to draw fans of wretched excess like moths to a nuclear holocaust.” John Anderson Variety

Yay for fans of the Holo….hm. Never mind. If I complete that sentence I might end up unhappy with my afterlife vacation plans. But is it fair to criticize a film for being economical. After all, it’s not like this movie is showcasing any big stars/directors.

“You used to be able to depend on a bad film being poorly made. No longer. The Punisher: War Zone is one of the best-made bad movies I’ve seen.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

Crap. Okay, but Ray Stevenson was great in Rome. He’s got to be at least passable here too right?

“Junk, pure and simple…Stevenson [is] a beefy, taciturn fellow with all the charisma of Steven Seagal and an emotional range that goes from A to somewhere just shy of A-.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

Jeez. Last chance. This Punisher movie can’t be as bad as the other ones…

“This atrocity is even worse than the 2004 version, if such a thing is possible, though I have to grudgingly admit that while it is as foul, vile and stupid as all get out, it is still somewhat better than the Dolph Lundgren version.” Peter Sobczynski eFilmCritic.com

Yay for Thomas Jayne fans and Dolph Lundgren haters! Okay, since almost 2 in 10 people liked it, let’s end with a little bit of sugar in this shit sandwich.

“On the plus side, Punisher: War Zone has one of the all-time great B-movie last lines: ‘Oh, God, now I’ve got brains splattered all over me!’” Clark Collis Entertainment Weekly

Yay?

P
unish
Da
Jugular

This week’s choices – I’ve already decided

I normally try to get these blogs posted the day the movies come out, but since Holiday movies don’t subscribe to traditional schedules, I’m a day late. And looking at the scores of this week’s movies, I think they all could have stayed in the oven a little longer.

Our top rated stinker is a coin flip: Australia – 51%. The top actors from down under (Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman) bring you a classic romantic epic. First up, the ick.

“Swells of emotion & panoramic stampedes fill the screen; however, meandering scenes in between have been cut out at the seams so often, you’ll be wandering what it all means.” Ross Anthony Hollywood Report Card

Right now, you’re getting a C for spelling. If you wander why, please see me after class.

“Like the kangaroo that goes from a newcomer’s sightseeing delight to dinner meat with the sudden crack of a rifle shot, Australia hops all over the place.” Larry Ratliff San Antonio Express-News

No kangaroo’s were harmed during the writing of that review. I checked. Anyone else want to draw an inappropriate connection to a native Aussie animal?

“Australia is so damnably eager to please that it feels like being pinned down by a giant overfriendly dingo and having your face licked for about three hours: theoretically endearing but, honestly, kind of gross.” Liam Lacey

The nay-sayers say nay and the yay-sayers say?

“A wildly ambitious, luridly indulgent spectacle of romance, action, melodrama and historic revisionism, Australia is windy, overblown, utterly preposterous and insanely entertaining.” Ann Hornaday Washington Post

Okay. The yay-sayers enjoy preposterous indulgent (and inaccurate) historical romances. But, is windy a compliment?

“You half expect a bloodied and battered Ben Affleck to be running shirtless in slow motion while an Aerosmith ballad blasts forth like cover fire from above. Hopefully Fosters beer won’t sue, but it’s true: Baz Luhrmann is Australian for Michael Bay.” Mike Ward Richmond.com

Funny, the previews made me think Australia was Australian for Far and Away, but now it sounds like an Aussie Pearl Harbor or Armageddon. Wow, I’m getting more confused as I think about that. Let’s move on to a movie that is likely to be confusing and simple-minded at the same time: Transporter 3 – 35%.

There isn’t much point in summarizing the plot or characters of this franchise, because everything about these movies is an excuse to crash a car or punch someone. Both the good and bad reviews sound the same.

“It’s kinda fast, it looks cheap, it’s definitely out of control.” Alex Markerson E! Online

“Transporter 3 is so bad it’s good, and it knows it.” Tom Long Detroit News

While you’re trying to figure out which is which, lets wrap up with a truly insightful question.

“Who knew a nice blazer could be used as an improvised nunchuck?” Stephen Garrett Time Out New York

Who indeed? Now then, last up is a film that should be ashamed of itself for coming in behind a movie that makes pin stripes sound sharp and dangerous: Four Christmases – 26%.

It’s a family comedy with academy award winner Reese Witherspoon and teen choice award winner Vince Vaughn plodding through the holidays by hating on relatives, but eventually learning that families are the best present of all. Sounds like rotten eggnog mixed with extra sugar and bile.

“It really needs to be stamped Don’t Open Until DVD.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger

So you’re saying we should watch it eventually? Why not ‘Don’t Open Ever’?

“It’s not a classic, but it is the best seasonal comedy Hollywood has given us in years, so thanks!” Heart 106.2

Really? That’s either a reviewer with low standards or a studio plant/payoff. Let’s hear from the haters again.

“Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon play the leads. Do they convince as lawyers or lovers? No. Do they convince as space aliens trying to infiltrate the human race? Yes.” Charlotte O’Sullivan

That’s better. The alien angle sounds promising. Anyone else have a pitch to make the movie more interesting?

“Witherspoon and Vaughn are physically ill-matched. She has never looked tinier, while the always gigantic Vaughn has put on so much weight that I half-expected the big plot revelation to be that he’d eaten her twin sister.” Christopher Tookey Daily Mail [UK]

Fascinating. Now then, do we really need four Christmases? Wouldn’t three be enough?

“Four Christmases is two Christmases too many. Two I could survive. But four of them? Nah. Call me Scrooge. Bah humbug.” Gary Wolcott Tri-City Herald

We’ve got two. Do I hear one and a half?

“One and a half Christmases is about all that’s worth celebrating in Four Christmases.” Claudia Puig USA Today

Sold. Now then, let’s wrap this up with one final reason why you’re better off watching your old worn out VHS tapes of The Grinch and Christmas Story.

“The difference between the average unfunny comedy and this one is the difference between Grandpa telling you knock-knock jokes and Grandpa telling you knock-knock jokes with his bathrobe open as his hand creeps up your thigh.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Uh…happy holidays?

Pat
Does
Jolly