Time to suck…or at least slurp.

by on November 21, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Posted In: Uncategorized

Buffy and Angel.
Lestat and Louis.
Blade and swords.

Not every vampire movie is horror, but the ones that aren’t are romance. This might explain why we haven’t seen any vampire romantic comedies or westerns. In fact knowing that Twilight didn’t open on Halloween tells you which side of the romanticism – cannibalism spectrum were dealing with. If you’re not a reader, you may have missed the young adult craze surrounding Stephenie Meyer’s quartet of vampire lustfests, but you may have trouble ignoring the film.

Twilight has already made Fandango’s all time list of pre-sold tickets and encouraged a generation of young girls to dream of being kidnapped by anemic male models. So we know it’s going to make oodles of money, but does it suck?

“Twilight is often a lot of fun to watch — the atmosphere of wet green trees and subtle danger, the gothic breathiness of doomed romance, the way all the vampires have better hair than anyone else — and seems to give its intended audience what it wants.” Moira MacDonald Seattle Times

Should the audience expect to walk out lusting for vampires or supernatural styling gel?

“Invest any spare cash you have in companies that deal in hair gel. I have a feeling this film is going to be huge.” Peter Hartlaub San Francisco Chronicle

Got it – thumbs up for the hair. Clearly the film’s stylist deserves an endorsement deal. What about the debate between book loyalists and average moviegoers?

“Director Catherine Hardwick leads her young cast through the story’s soap opera elements with honest respect for the material.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

Sounds like book lovers will be happy.

Ze book

“This entire adaptation was carried through by [the] wonderful Catherine Hardwicke, who took a shiny little turd and transformed it into a watchable, slightly enjoyable film.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

So for people who think the book is a shiny turd, the result is slightly watchable? I can’t tell if that’s praise.

“Soul-searching looks between young lovers can be fine–but when mutually-emphatic eyeballing stands in for a plot, it’s insufferable. Bring a thermos of espresso. And an alarm clock.” Kimberly Gadette LivePDX

Yeouch. Okay, I know that’s not praise. Anyone else want to hop on the ‘stake the vampire’ bandwagon?

“The term ‘meh’ was added to the dictionary this week, and just in time.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Vampires give the best piggyback rides!

Yeah, but it’s a love story, which means film’s ultimate goal is to twang the heart-stings.

“The movie version gives really good swoon.” Chuck Wilson Village Voice

All right. How good are we talking? Like weak in the knees or hyperventilating Beatle-mania teens?

“WHAT WAS THAT???That ‘thunk’ you just heard wasn’t a shift of the earth’s core. No, it was jillions of women, younger and older, swooning over the movie ‘Twilight.’” Linda Cook Quad City Times (Davenport, IA)

Wow. That is good swoon. Okay, so it does hair and swooning well, but the rest is a question of taste. Even if Twilight isn’t entered into the Nosferatu canon, it may be the most popular vampire story of the decade (even with its 44% positive rating). Other vampire romance novelists beware – this is the new status quo.

“Your move, Anne Rice!” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

Pamper
Demonic
Juveniles

Yay! I’m a sex symbol again!

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Bondage

by on November 15, 2008 at 1:09 am
Posted In: Uncategorized

Whew. You weren’t so frightened of the subject line that you avoided reading this. Awesome. Now then, a handful of movies open this weekend and they all are sharing reviewer love. Maybe critic happiness is tied to weather; hence the Oscar season of holiday movies. Hmm. Anyhow, you probably won’t hear much about Slumdog Millionaire (90%) directed by Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, 28 days later) or A Christmas Tale (93%) which tells the darkly comic story of an estranged son returning home for the holidays. Chances are you don’t care about these movies because this weekend is all about Bond. And how did Bond’s latest outing of espionage and action do? Pretty well actually (Quantum of Solace – 69%).


The consensus seems to be that it’s not as good as Casino Royale, but there is disagreement on how close it came. It’s a true sequel (picking up where the previous installment left off) which is rare for Bond. Here Bond mourns Vesper by killing all the people responsible for her death. Since revenge is dish best served as cold as a penguin’s ass in the dead of winter, let’s hear how icy and grim Bond got this time around.

“Revenge is a dish best served with bullets, high explosives and fireballs. In QoS James Bond orders the revenge buffet, deluxe.” Kyle Smith KyleSmithOnline.com

I like my revenge comparison better.

“Still having a bad day in Quantum’s leap into radically chilling ruthlessness, that homicidally gifted 007 pursues without the least hesitation, revenge as a dish best served with a cold Martini.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

I’m sticking with penguin ass. So lots of BOOM! and POW! with a little less quip. We get it; he’s tortured and really good at hurting people. Bond goes thuggish with a grimace rather than a smirk. Enough of that, let’s play a game. It’s called good review, bad review. Let’s see if you can tell Quantum of Solace praise from criticism.

Yep. Quantum was a real short story from the original author.


“While I’m most definitely disappointed with the film- I still enjoyed it once I accepted the fact that it bares no resemblance to the Bond franchise that I know and love.” Chris Bumbray rec.arts.movies.reviews

You’d think disappointment would be a deal breaker, but it wasn’t. Thumbs up.

“Bond’s one-liners are replaced by stoic stares. The flirty martini has been traded in for self-hating binge drinking. And even 007’s bedroom shenanigans are condensed to a mere quickie.” Mike Ward Richmond.com

Sounds pretty bad, but it wasn’t. While the ladies might disagree, this guy didn’t let any of his problems get in the way of liking it. Another thumb aimed at clouds.

Yep. He still looks like this.

“The result isn’t bland, but it’s not exactly Bond either.” Joe Neumaier New York Daily News

‘Not bland’ sounds ‘not bad.’ But it was. Thumbs down.

“The 22nd Bond film too often seems like an old friend on the wrong anti-depressant: still the person you love, but the rhythm’s off and the precious moments fewer and further between.” Peter Canavese Groucho Reviews

He was right on the fence (2.5 out of 4), but still good enough to hitchhike.

“Forster could craft Quantum of Solace into a thoughtful rumination on revenge and what it does to the soul or he could blow stuff up. Guess what he does.” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

The director must blow stuff up really well, because ol’ Willie Waffle liked it.

“So jam-packed with stuntwork, shootouts, and standoffs that the conspiracy-oriented plot can barely get a word in edgewise.” Bill Gibron Filmcritic.com

Apparently the plot was important to Billy because this one was negative. Well, you get the idea. Most critics have some problem with it, but it succeeds at giving us more of what we got with Casino Royale. The problem is – the idea is a little less fresh now. As a final thought, let’s end with someone who’s really got their finger on the most important aspect of a believable Bond and rebooting the franchise so it resonated with modern sensibilities.

“Since this is really the origin story of a man who kills people for a living, a darker tone makes total sense. I mean, really…do you want to go back to jet-packs?” Jenna Busch UGO

Only on DVD. Take care all.

Predict Justice Damn-it.

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Animated Soul Models

by on November 7, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Posted In: humor, movie reviews, updates

As of late, the movies that have been coming out have been 1 ‘pretty good’ for every 3 ‘completely awful’. While this week offers something different (2 ‘pretty good’), the coming weeks begins the holiday movie rush (Quantum of Solace followed by Twilight), which makes this week’s releases the holiday movie benchwarmers. That being said, you may find a few happy surprises.
role_models_poster

First up, another attempt at the Apatow formula (equal parts gross and sentimental) Role Models (73%). It features actors better known as the characters they’ve played Shawn William Scott (Steve Stiffler from American Pie) and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (better know as McLovin). However the stand out performer this time around is co-writer/star Paul Rudd who’s been an Apatow wingman almost as long as Seth Rogan. It’s the biggest critic pleaser of the week, so enough blah blah, let’s hear some rah rah sis boom bah!

“Filth and sentimentality — the yin- yang combo of current guy comedy — entwine in Role Models with the naughty bits overpowering the funny.” Lisa Kennedy Denver Post

Wait, that’s not a positive review (I think). Try again.

“Role Models proves that a drab and formulaic Hollywood studio comedy can still make you laugh hard enough to choke on your popcorn.” Rene Rodriguez Miami Herald

That’s more like it. The tagline could be: people die from laughing at this film. Or at least: comedies don’t kill people, choking on popcorn does…but only if they’re watching something funny.

“Role Models is about as irresponsible and as irreverent as a movie comedy can be.” Jeff Vice Deseret News, Salt Lake City

I’m glad to hear that those qualities are positives.

“Role Models is like a comfortable, old sweater. It may be somewhat threadbare and out of fashion, but you wear it because it’s familiar and snug and makes you feel cozy.” Brandon Fibbs Colorado Springs Gazette

So, irresponsibility and irreverence will make you feel cozy?

“The equivalent of trying to sneak an issue of Newsweek into the house, rolled up inside a copy of Mad magazine.” Stephanie Zacharek Salon.com

I’m confused. This movie is Newsweek in this situation but the marketing is Mad? In order to understand this metaphor, I offer a counter-metaphor. Role Models is like a Starbucks cookie laced with Meth. Instead of wasting time with explanation, let’s move on.

madagascar_2_escape_africa_movie_poster
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa also opens this week and does pretty well (59%). My feeling on the original was that the subordinate characters were great (penguins, monkeys, lemurs) but the stars (Ben Stiller, Chris Rock) were lame sauce. So, did Hollywood hear my cry?

“It’s still primarily the supporting cast that’s funny, not the leads — but hey, if Dreamworks were capable of doing everything right it would have to change its name to Pixar.” Eric D. Snider Cinematical

After reading that I want to shout BURN! But in reality, playing second fiddle to Pixar is like being Jordan’s Scotty Pippen – You may not be on top, but you’re still looking down on a lot of people.

“A decent-enough sequel that will satisfy fans without unduly bothering Oscar animation voters.” Glenn Whipp Los Angeles Daily News

Oh, pardon us. I’d hate to unduly bother those exceedingly busy Oscar animation voters. Mr. Whipp’s tone is just snarky enough to get on my nerves. Someone want to help channel my rage?

“The nonsensical title is the least of its problems–how, exactly, are the characters escaping to Africa if the place they begin is technically a part of Africa?” Dustin Putman TheMovieBoy.com

Yeah! What the hell!?!

“All shtick and repetition, something the little ones may find entertaining, but something that will drive parents 2 boredom, 2 another theater, or 2 ask for their money back.” Brian Tallerico Movie Retriever

The only way 2 get you 2 stop replacing words with numbers is 2 move on.

1 SHEET MASTER (CTP READY)

Last up, Bernie Mac’s final movie, the buddy comedy Soul Men (41%). Samuel L. Jackson also stars in the story of two former singing sensations on a grumpy old men reunion road trip. Let’s do a point/counter-point on whether this movie is a fitting final chapter for Bernie Mac or a career footnote.
POINT “In spite of its title, the film has precious little soul, but its real offense is being Mac’s final on screen credit.” Todd Gilchrist IGN Movies

COUNTER-POINT “’Soul Men’ is not only a tribute to Mac and Hayes, but the film is also funny, often outrageously crude, and pleasurable.” Wilson Morales BlackFilm.com

Sounds like a question of taste. What else does Soul Men have to offer?

“Samuel L. Jackson continues his tradition of inventive facial hair in Soul Men. And his tradition of appearing in movies unworthy of his talent.” Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) St. Paul Pioneer Press

“It’s the script and not Floyd that needs a shot of Viagra.” John Beifuss Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)

Huh? Any mental picture I try to conjure gets confused. Wouldn’t a script on Viagra have really stiff pages? Before I get too confused, let’s hear a final thought.

“Mac was a magnetic performer with a long history of redeeming mediocre movies; unfortunately this is another one.” J. R. Jones Chicago Reader

Huh again? Unless the movie doesn’t deserve redemption, I’d say Mac went out on a high(ish) note. We’ll miss ya Bernie.

PDJ

PDJ


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It’s Halloween

by on October 31, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Posted In: Uncategorized

Pumpkins, cupcakes and Jack O’Lanterns – oh my
Rarely is it so good to be different and fun to lie.
Hyper kids ring doorbells to get their candy
Why do so many girl costumes make people randy?
Let’s dress up to get down and party till the drinks run dry

But, if you’re not into wild parties or handing out teeth-rotting supplements this Halloween, perhaps you’ll go see a movie – which is where I come in. This week is like bobbing for apples in apple juice. I’m not really sure what that means, but I was looking for a simile that communicated how similar reviewer opinions are about these movies.

For example, the only legitimately scary movie opening today (The Haunting of Molly Hartley) is in a battle with Saw V for worst scary movie in recent memory. And the reviewer seems to agree that the movie isn’t worth a handful of empty candy wrappers.



“When it comes to excruciating Halloween activities, I think I’d prefer a Milky Way/razor blade surprise to this asinine, pathetic motion picture.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

When critics say they’d rather eat razor blades than watch this movie, well…it’s bad.

“At least High School Musical 3 is proud to be innocent; Haunting is as benign as the gym class bully who backs down at the slightest challenge.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

But those are my favorite type of bully. Oh well. Since the ‘scary’ movie isn’t really scary or interesting, I’ll do my best to make the remaining movies sounds as terrifying as I can. Behold the Changeling!

“There are parts of the film that are far more horrifying than anything the makers of the Saw features and other gruesome terrors could ever imagine.” Jeff Vice Deseret News, Salt Lake City

Eh? Are you soiling your costume yet? How about this one?

“A desiccated nowhereland, like something waiting to be feasted on by Stephen King’s ravenous Langoliers.” Keith Uhlich UGO

Okay, as scary as those reviews sound, the truth is that Changeling is not based on a shape-shifting alien killer, which is too bad. Rather, it is a period drama directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Angelina Jolie. Hopefully the truth isn’t scarier than the fiction.

“..director Clint Eastwood once again fires the first shot in the Oscar battle.” Michael A. Smith Nolan’s Pop Culture Review

Did you see that? Eastwood just shot at us. Scaaaaarry!

Boo!

Anyhow, enough of that. Some people are dropping Oscar buzz about this one, which is strange because it’s perched at 53% positive. Perhaps the sum isn’t as good as the dismembered parts.

“[Jolie]’s oozing that mysterious charisma that’s half dazzling intelligence and half riveting talent and half the magic of the gods of Hollywood smiling on her, and through her.” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

Ancient Gods for Jolie! I wouldn’t think they hold much sway over the academy, but then again, Oscars statues are little gold idols…

Hmmmm. Fresh critic.

“Audiences will be forgiven for reaching for their coats and then putting them down again over and over; every time you think this tune is done, there’s another 38 bottles of beer on the wall.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

And we’re back to drinking beer. Nice. Our next film features the tagline “A story of Sex, Thugs and Rock and Roll” entitled: RocknRolla (58%). It is another entry in the British crime movies of Guy Ritchie (Snatch, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels).

“Ritchie, who shoots and cuts everything in RocknRolla like an ad for a particularly greasy brand of fragrance for men, delivers the beatings and killings in his trademark atmosphere of morally weightless flash.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

Greasy cologne and morally weightless killings are scary.

“RocknRolla reminds us of how cool Ritchie was before Madonna doused his fire. Pity he makes us wait so long.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Madonna is scary. Sort of.

“I’d call it all a parody of cinematic male aggression, except I think it’s a parody of a parody of cinematic male aggression…” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

I’d call that a confusing review, except I think it’s a parody of confusing reviews. Anyhow, our last movie is currently the highest rated, the most anticipated and the most politically charged: Zack and Miri Make A Porno (68%). Some parents have taken offense to the word ‘porno’ because they have to explain to their kids what it is. That being said, this movie must really be offensive right?

“There may not be a special movie rating for this kind of coyness, but it definitely feels like emotional porn.” Liam Lacey Globe and Mail

“An extremely rare movie commodity — a romantic comedy for guys.” Richard Knight Windy City Times

Okay. The combination of ‘emotional’ and ‘porn’ makes the movie sound pretty sappy. The same way I assume that ‘gun porn’ will sensationalize guns and ‘torture porn’ makes torture look like fun (at least for half the parties involved), I assume Zach and Miri will have people crying on each other’s shoulders.

“Zack and Miri Make a Porno is crude and raunchy, but it’s also a great date movie. See it with someone you love — and want to grope.” Rene Rodriguez Miami Herald

Hm. So, in the interest of clarification: is the emphasis on ‘em
otion’ or ‘porn’?

“Just like good porn, the movie delivers scene after scene of tension and release, and you leave the theater happy. And maybe a little tired.” Chris Farnsworth E! Online

Sounds like a vote for porn. Okay, let’s end with a review that deals with a curse. Yes, you read right. A cuuurrrse! After all, a romantic comedy about pornography that comes out on Halloween has got to be scary for someone.

“Kevin Smith finally has a hit with Rogen and porn stars. Smith got the Ben Affleck curse lifted.” Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com

Sorry Ben. Enjoy the festivities everyone.

How dare you?

Punish those who
Douse
Jack-o-lanterns

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Take us to the Extremes!

by on October 24, 2008 at 9:46 am
Posted In: Uncategorized

If you are believer in universal balance (from Ying and Yang to protons and electrons) then you can appreciate the stunning cinematic conflict that exists between this week’s warring franchises: Saw V and High School Musical 3: Senior Year. On one hand, a series that will be remembered as the father of torture porn (not a good thing) and on the other, the perma-smiling descendants of Walt Disney’s original Mickey Mouse Club (good for money thing). If Saw was actually still popular, I’d fear the tension between both sets of fans stuck waiting in line for the premiere. It’s grins versus goths and songs versus switchblades.


Expect to see flocks of blissful tweens frantically pushing their way past a few SAW die-hards preoccupied with deciding what concessions will least smudge their ghoulish make-up. HSM3 will make huge amounts of money; Saw will make huge amounts of people sick. Will either deserve your time and/or money? Let’s start with the automatic NO:

“The first three Saws were at least plausible within the grotesque terms of the premise. The fourth was ridiculous and this, the fifth, is laughable.” Victor Olliver Teletext

That’s the most forgiving review available.

“It doesn’t just insult your intelligence; It assumes you have none.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Yeesh. While Saw V currently has the dreaded double goose egg (00% positive – as of Thursday night), it will make several million dollars because is a scary movie released near Halloween. But easily frightened movie-goers might be in for a nasty surprise.

“This time, the movie theater is a trap.” Staci Layne Wilson Horror.com

Ahhhhh!!!

In playing up the dichotomy so much I’ve left out a perfectly boring cop movie that also comes out this weekend. Pride and Glory is stuck in the middle with its tired brothers-in-blue plot and sadly misplaced actors (Edward Norton, Colin Farrell, John Voight).

“Constructed almost entirely out of cop-drama clichés.” Josh Bell Las Vegas Weekly

But you didn’t say they were all bad clichés.

“Dull, predictable, ugly, filled with bad or lackluster performances, contains objectionable racial material and just generally lacking in anything worthwhile. One of the worst movies of the year.” Devin Faraci CHUD

Okay. All bad then.

“Pride And Glory is anything but. And though rife with brutality and cynicism down a path way too over the top to make sense of it all, the journey there stings with the crushing weight of a raw and devastating emotional power. Godfather in blue.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

From worst movie of the year to the Godfather of cop movies? Providing an explanation for the distance between those two reviews is probably a superior mystery to the one in the movie (it currently sits at 27%).


Let’s move on to the sugar-laced smilebration of High School Musical 3: Senior Year.

“Coiffed with what must have been a budget-busting supply of styling gel, the cast of High School Musical 3: Senior Year looks not just freshly scrubbed, but manicured, exfoliated, and dipped in a vat of hot wax.” Scott Tobias Onion AV Club

Scrubbed clean and dipped in wax – Are you still talking about Saw?

“I so wanted to hate this movie – and I was doing well until halfway through, when I actually started to feel nostalgic and happy. Damn!” David Foucher EDGE Boston

Uh-oh, pessimists beware. You might find yourself smiling despite yourself. The movie currently sits at 67% positive. Aren’t there some cynics out there trying to knock the optimists down a few pegs?

“It’s hard not to see the rabidly popular series’s deliberate insubstantiality, its desire to address teendom in juvenile ways, as a depressing commentary on the dwindling standards of young entertainment consumers.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

I get that he’s angry. After all critics have to watch movies like Beverly Hills Chihuahua so we don’t have to, but I’m not really surprised that the movie addresses “teendom in juvenile ways.” Better juvenile than sophomoric. Let’s wrap this up with a final word on this weekend’s guaranteed champion.

“For those kids in the target audience, this is movie nirvana.” Christy Lemire Associated Press

Smells like teen spirit. Zing!

PDJ

One’s pale and terrifying and the other’s a puppet


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