King Sheep Productions

Unlike last week’s avalanche of lame, this week, you’re treated to several solid films. However, for no good reason, we’re only going to see the negative reviews. If you’re one of those people who needs a reason, assume it’s because the bad reviews are funnier, which in turn makes this roundup more amusing. Let me show you what I mean.

The opening movie with the best ratings is the Ed Harris Western: Appaloosa (75%). Most reviewers agree that it’s an impressive modern addition to the genre, but that’s not funny.

“Squinting Zellweger ruins it. I liked the hats.” Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com

Ah, nonsense. It’s almost as if the reviewer thought they were attending a 2-hour QVC special focused on western fashion. Then Zellweger shows up and spoils it. Other reviewers preferred to rewrite the film into something they want to see.

“Bring back Hopalong Cassidy and Randolph Scott and you’ve got the making of a respectable horse opera.” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

This one makes me laugh for two reasons. First, I’ve never heard of a horse opera. All I know about opera is that people sing and that when Star Wars did it in space, Lucas replaced singing with light sabers. Second, the review writes for Compuserve. Isn’t that an Internet service provider? What the hell are they doing writing reviews about Westerns?

Next up the wild night romantic comedy Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. It’s a cute title with some cute stars and most reviewers dug the trendy cuteness (71%), however some reviewers questioned its Indie hip credibility.

“It’s like looking through a dreamy, indiemope kaleidoscope at a party you’re not invited to, and, frankly, not even sure you’d want to attend.” Marc Savlov Austin Chronicle

So, I could recreate the feeling of this movie by rubbing Vaseline and glitter in my eyes and stumbling into a fraternity party? Hm. While I ponder the outcome of that hypothetical, listen to this guy.

“Caloric with whimsy but lacks distinctive dramatic weight, to a degree that it ceases to be a movie and transforms into something resembling a tiresome Diet Coke commercial.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

At worst, Nick and Norah delivers fewer entertainment calories than Diet Coke. Well, at least he didn’t say Coke Zero.

Next up is Flash of Genius, starring Greg Kinnear. It is the surprisingly inspirational story of how the creator of the windshield wiper got cheated by auto manufacturers and had to go on a personal crusade to stick up for the little guy (ie himself). The true story credit, plus some solid acting/direction chops resonated with critics (62%), just not these folks.

“A kamikaze flight of a movie that presents itself like a weighty Oscar contender. If there were a category for Best Unintentional Self-Parody, it would be a shoo-in.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

The mental image of a kamikaze self-parodyinng Oscar contender sounds intriguing. What else does it do wrong?

“The big-screen version of inventor Robert Kearns’ legal battles with Ford and Chrysler… is about as exciting as Kearns’ Wikipedia entry.” Robert Wilonsky L.A. Weekly

Good thing I actually enjoy reading some Wikipedia entries. Last up, is a film that looks so bad, I hesitate to even make fun of it. When you were a kid, did you ever avoid touching pictures of snakes or spiders because you thought the picture itself transmitted ookiness through the page? Well, Beverly Hills Chihuahua is like that, but for your eyeballs.

I must admit, when I saw that Chihuahua was opening this weekend, I expected a single digit total. Instead, Disney polished their horror to a gleaming shine (45%).

“The good news: Beverly Hills Chihuahua is not the apocalypse-signaling, cultural abomination its trailers make it out to be. The bad news: That’s pretty much the best thing that can be said about it.” Adam Graham Detroit News

Yay? One more.

“The film is Beverly Hills Chihuahua. The audience is the fire hydrant.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Just be glad Chihuahua isn’t in 3-D.

Final warning: If you go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua this weekend, you are inviting Hollywood to create a sub-genre of talking dog movies.

Stoner comedies

Bond clones

Sports stories

Nerd revenge

Horror movies

Eventually, dogs will fall victim to the curse of Hollywood vanity

Do your part. Go see something else!

PDJ

Last week’s roundup race ended in a true rarity: the quality of reviews directly corresponded with the amount of money made:

79% – Burn After Reading ($19 Million)
22% – Righteous Kill ($16 Million)
10% – The Women ($10 Million)
It’s almost as if people are listening to the reviewers. Weird. Anyhow, this week we have a quartet of movies opening, but we’ll forgo the race analogy. Instead, we’ll do a simile tournament. What is a simile tournament you say? Well, comparisons that rely on ‘like’ or ‘as’ are similes and today the 4 upcoming films will do battle with their words. Ready? Your first competitor is Igor: a computer-animated tale of a hunchbacked-henchmen with grand ambitions.

“Director Tony Leondis and screenwriter Chris McKennna have mined everything from Young Frankenstein to Sleepy Hollow to Japanese anime to the German Neo-Expressionists to create that rare thing, a cartoon for adults.” John Anderson Newsday

Yay old people. Igor is up against another supernatural satire: Ghost Town. British Office star Ricky Gervais plays a dentist who can see dead people.

“Quibbles about the film ultimately are as unimportant as a bit of undigested beef, a blot of mustard or a crumb of cheese: ‘Ghost Town’ is for real.” John Beifuss Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)

Judges? Sadly, Igor’s review was not a simile and is out of the contest. Let’s hear from a few of the unhappy reviewers just so you didn’t think it lost on a technicality (Note: Igor currently sits at 27% positive).

“So bad it’s scary.” Robert Wilonsky L.A. Weekly

“I think we need a No Child Left Behind Act for the movies.” Josh Larsen LarsenOnFilm
Doh!

While Ghost Town advances to the finals, the final two competitors enter the rhetorical ring. First up, My Best Friend’s Girl: a romantic comedy about a professional girlfriend dumper named Tank (played by Dane Cook) who agrees to help his friend Jason Biggs after he is dumped by Kate Hudson. Wow, even the synopsis sounds terrible. Let’s hear from the critics.

“Der Film handelt von einem Mann namens “Tank”, der dafür bekannt ist, Frauen zu fürchterlichen Dates auszuführen, damit sie zu ihren Freunden, denen sie eigentlich den Laufpass gegeben hatten, zurückkehren. Als er eines Tages die Ex eines guten Freundes auf die gleiche Weise zu diesem zurückbringen soll, muß er sich zwischen ihr und seiner Freundschaft zu ihm entscheiden.” Zelluloid.de (German)

Uh. Hm. Well, sadly even though the movie comes out today, no reviewers have seen it (except in Germany). Never a good sign. It’s up against a bad ass playing a bad guy: Samuel L. Jackson is a cop who dolls out his own neighborhood justice in Lakeview Terrace. What dya got?

“Like a bad roller coaster. It sure is fun getting to the top, but everything else is a letdown and you walk away feeling a little ripped off.” Jeff Otto ReelzChannel.com

Since I can’t read German, congrats to Lakeview Terrace. Onto the finals, which will be a back and forth of pro’s and con’s until I get tired of doing it. Keep it up Mace.

We’re selling these shirts to raise money for a new officers-only hot tub, should I put you down for 10 or 20?

LT: “As a huge fan of LaBute’s [the director] usual work, I’d like to believe he intended Lakeview Terrace as a mockery of dopey conventions and that his heightened sense of irony just floated over my head.” Phil Villarreal Arizona Daily Star

So you’re hoping that the movie was a joke that’s over your head rather than a bad film? That’s a kind of loyalty usually reserved for uber-fans and cultists. You’re up Ghost Town.

GT: “It’s as if Rosie O’Donnell tried to slip into a Carrie Underwood-sized teeny weeny bikini instead of a tasteful one piece. Not enough material.” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

Someone get that mental image a towel.

LT: “If an actor this talented is going to slum it in hokey, over-the-top thrillers, I’d prefer he direct his anger at those mother-effing snakes on that mother-effing plane.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

GT: “British comic Ricky Gervais can play assholes the way Yo-Yo Ma can play the cello.” Dan Lybarger eFilmCritic.com

In the battle of the mother-effer versus the SOB, we go to the numbers to determine our winner.

My Best Friend’s Girl 0%
Igor 30%
Lakeview Terrace 40%
Ghost Town 87%

We laugh at our competition…and dead people

Paticus Rex

Bangkok Dangerous
Opens September 5th

After a long hiatus of honeymoons and school start-up stress, I’m back with a roundup of a movie you really shouldn’t bother seeing. Bangkok Dangerous is the story of a morally flexible hit man who travels to Thailand to kill people, but learns something about himself along the way. If the premise doesn’t sell you on avoidance, how about the fact that it stars Nick Cage in a ridiculous wig? Still on the fence? Check for glue, then marvel at the mighty 7% positive reviews. There were so few happy reviewers that I’ll just go ahead and let them tell you why you SHOULD go see this mess.

“This version of Bangkok Dangerous is a respectable genre movie, but not much more.” David D’Arcy Screen International

Here’s Nick threatening the audience to like his movie

And here he’s protecting himself from rotten vegetables and other airborne complaints

Okay, it’s a respectable entry into the hit man genre, despite being an American remake from the original directors. We’ve established a concrete ceiling of positivity. Just underneath is:

“The Pang brothers take full advantage of their Hollywood budget to paint Bangkok skyscrapers in shimmering midnight blues.” James Christopher Times [UK]

Did the director’s literally paint some skyscrapers? Sounds expensive. But if the cinematography ain’t bad at least the movie has something going for it.

“Couldn’t the Pangs have spent some of that studio money on more lights?” Josh Larsen LarsenOnFilm

“Bangkok Dangerous pretends to have a lot on its mind. It moves slow as molasses and has the same general coloring.” Rafer Guzman Newsday

Not so much. Is there any reason to see this movie?

Not everyone’s happy about the remake

“The only reason to see a Nicolas Cage movie these days is to have a good laugh at his latest wig.” David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]

Don’t worry; I can save you the money.

Maybe the director’s spent their money on sculpting yak hair in the shape of a dead squid. They way reviewers go on, it sounds like the mullet is the bigger star. Next summer see Nick Cage’s Hair in:

Con Hair!

If there was a strong gust of wind, I think he might take flight. This film doesn’t deserve any more of your time or mine, but let’s have a final thought anyway.

“Certainly lives down to its title, which sounds like a caveman giving travel advice.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

See movie bad. Save money good. Done now.

PDJ