The remains of summer, a.k.a Elysium’s End Kicks Wolverine’s Ass Rim

by on September 14, 2013 at 9:05 am
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

Except, Elysium’s ending wasn’t any more memorable than yesterday’s poop.

Reminiscing about summer movies enshrines the highs before the lows, and when it comes to the highs of summer 2013, they’re generally pretty low.

This summer has its share of notable dramas that stretch from Fruitville Station all The Way Way Back to a town called Mud, there was even commercially successful histortainment about The Butler. However, while these films were unquestionably highs, and likely to be remembered come awards season (looking at you Rockwell and Whitaker), they don’t represent your July-August theater bounty, which blows like a shit load of storms made of shit. History remembers the ones that make money, but it’d be nice if more would Kick Ass 2 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Your ass is constantly braced in readiness and hope, but it remains un-kicked.” The Telegraph Robbie Collin

It aims for Spankus Maximus, but barely flogs booty.

“The writer and director, Jeff Wadlow, can’t obscure the movie’s misogyny, and he also has a tough time staging a scene and selling a joke. His worst offense is that he has no understanding of the power, gravity and terrible beauty of violent imagery, which means he has no grasp of cinema.” The New York Times Manohla Dargis

If that burn were more pithy, it would be highly quotable.

“Bravo Jim Carrey, bravo. Refusing to promote your work in Kick-Ass 2 is the wisest career move you’ve ever made.” Erick Weber NECN

High Seven!

“In the annals of sequeldom, Kick-Ass 2 has to be one of the lamest follow-ups ever.” Philadelphia Inquirer Steven Rea

A bold promise considering its company. To contextualize the exaggeration of ‘lamest sequel ever’ consider the cinematic cross-section of summer 2003’s franchise-killing follow-ups:

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde

Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

Tomb Raider 2: The Cradle of Life

Time will tell if KA2 joins the list, but this summer has another contender in the shady sequel subdivision named The Wolverine (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“This Wolverine gets our hopes up, and falls short.” Movie Nation Roger Moore

You should be careful making height jokes about Logan.

“Let all Marvel franchises have as long a life as Logan. But could Singer let Jackman sing a few numbers as the knife-fingered mutant? They could call it Les Scissorables.” Time Richard Corliss

Unused Broadway gags: Little Chop of Horrors, Fileter on the Roof, and Cuts!

“It’s a step up from the garbled silliness of Wolverine’s first solo outing. Unlike Origins, the storytelling is more sharply focused here, ignited by flashes of stylised superheroism.” Total Film Neil Smith

Option 2) Unstylized

“Finally – a superhero movie that doesn’t feel like every other superhero movie.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

At last, a superhero movie that feels like a movie!

“Whether or not this flies in the unforgiving fan world remains to be seen. But for those less intemperately invested, The Wolverine will come as a welcome and bracing surprise: An almost human-scaled superhero movie about a guy who goes to die in Japan and ends up beating his way back to life.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Geoff Pevere

Spoiler alert, Wolvie doesn’t die, or at least he doesn’t stay dead. If he road tripped with the Grim Reaper, perhaps they’ll stop over in Elysium (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The result is a grim and predictable adventure saga that is not nimble but leaden. Dystopia has rarely been so dysto-pointing.” Time Richard Corliss

That was pun-tacular.

“Blomkamp overdoes even his best effects. (I would have welcomed more vistas of Elysium to break up the grungefest.) If Elysium is an example of how recession-era Hollywoodintends to dramatize the rift between the haves and the have-nots, let’s hope the studios don’t also bring back Smell-O-Rama.” Christian Science Monitor Peter Rainer

For part 2: Smellysium?

“For a 99 percenter movie, then, Elysium is kind of a head-scratcher. It throws away its best opportunity for drama. It’s as if Han and Leia parked on the Death Star and started asking, ‘How much is a two-bedroom around here?’” New York Post Kyle Smith

Shmooze the force

“Blomkamp proceeds to spend the last two-thirds of his film crashing spaceships into lawns, or staging high-tech fistfights between Elysium’s stolid hero and his even duller arch-nemesis. It’s a waste of a perfectly good dystopia.” Slate Dana Stevens

In America, we like our dystopias where they belong, in the future. Though some would settle for the Pacific Rim (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

by Matt Ferguson

“It is possible to applaud Pacific Rim for the efficacy of its business model while deploring the tale that has been engendered — long, loud, dark, and very wet. You might as well watch the birth of an elephant.” The New Yorker Anthony Lane

Or, you know, not.

“If this is the best we can do in terms of movies – if something like this can speak to the soul of audiences – maybe we should just turn over the cameras and the equipment to the alien dinosaurs and see what they come up with.” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle

From the alien perspective, the title would be This Crater Earth.

“You get 45 minutes of awesome encased in 90 minutes of yawnsome.” Time Richard Corliss

Synthesis

“There are long sequences in this movie that merit that most overused of terms: ‘Awesome.’” Rene Rodriguez Miami Herald

A rambling preamble kinda takes the piss out of words like ‘awesome.’

“Pacific Rim’s wafer-thin psychodrama and plot-generator dialogue provides little for the human component to get their teeth into.” The Guardian Andrew Pulver

It’s a metaphorpacolypse! A.k.a. The World’s End (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“This is by light-years the most entertaining movie of the year. How many apocalyptic sci-fi action extravaganzas leave you feeling as if the world is just beginning?” New York Magazine (Vulture) David Edelstein

The End is just the end of the beginning and begins a journey towards a new end.

“This is a tighter, smarter film than either Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz, and buried beneath all the blue-goo aliens and terrible punning is a heartfelt meditation on the perils and pleasures of nostalgia.” Time Out London Tom Huddleston

“Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be” Peter De Vries

“As in their previous comedies, Pegg and Frost play men who refuse to stop acting like boys. But these pint-swilling Peter Pans also know how to work the heart and the brain for belly laughs.” Entertainment Weekly Chris Nashawaty

This way to (hic) Neverland

“It’ll knock you on you ass from laughing when you’re not rubbing your eyes in disbelief.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

Both bruisingly funny and eye-gougingly engaging – a.k.a. a review with low poster potential.

“This is a movie that floats by on dazzlingly silly banter and well-slung slang.” Roger Moore Movie Nation

King Sheep befriends banter with similarly silly slang slinging

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iPad vs. Surface Pro vs. Wacom: An Artist’s Take

by on September 3, 2013 at 11:13 pm
Posted In: Blog

In the modern warfare of tablets, every manufacturer is trying to bring all things to all consumers in the form of an 11-ish-inch touch screen (with or without a stylus).

However, for all of the appeased white-collars who dreamt of using Excel while stopped at a red light, and the meeting-goers who love to doodle digital notes, there is one demographic who are starting to feel like second-class tableteers. Artists.

There is a whole slurry of professional artists out there who dream of one thing: having a compact and portable studio they can take to Starbucks. Digital art tools have come a long way in ten years, from gigantic drawing pads with 100 levels of pressure sensitivity, to the Wacom Cintiq where you can draw right on the screen. But everything has been peripherals that you have to plug into a computer to get it working, and that makes portability a joke.

Starting with the Samsung Series 7 Slate (which sells seashells down by the seashore), high-quality pressure-sensitive screens were finally being put into tablet PCs with the help of Wacom. However, you would have to be careful not to let your hand touch the screen while using the stylus because it would make a separate mark where you were trying to draw. So, to really get your money’s worth out of it, an artist would have to download a plug-in created by a third-party developer (frustrated user with coding experience in his free time) so that you could rest your hand on the screen while drawing.

Then came the Surface Pro. It boasted all the features I’d been looking for: pressure sensitivity, palm-rejection, and (best of all) full PC capabilities.

Alas, it came with a few things that were not advertised. While charging (something needed every 3 hours), the Surface Pro doubles as a space-heater. While the included stylus offers a precision tip instead of the eraser-like point of most iPad pens, the definition of “precision” is variable. It’s actually precise-ish, which is okay if you’re doodling, but infuriating if you’re trying to make something professional.

I got one and returned it in the span of a week.

What I settled on instead has surprised many of my friends, especially artists. I picked up a 4th generation iPad. While it lacks both pressure-sensitivity and palm rejection, it is, in my opinion, a superior device.  Using an Adonit Jot Touch 4 stylus brings the missing pressure-sensitivity to Apple’s tablet.

Now, Wacom has burst onto the scene with their own devices, the Cintiqs Companion and Hybrid.  The good news is that they have efficiently placed their tablet out of reach with a price tag of $2000 for the mid-range version of their portable device, so temptation isn’t really a problem.

Sure, you could spend $1500 on a toy Hybrid which runs Android and has a laughable 16 GB of hard drive space and glitchy multi-touch.  Or you could drop $2500 on the Companion running Win8 with 512 GB of disk space.  That machine is a powerhouse cake with Wacom icing on top, but for $2500, I can pick up the Cintiq 24HD.  It’s not portable, but at least I won’t have to worry about carrying two mortgage payments worth of technology in an easily stealable messenger bag.

Bottom line, I’m happy with what I have.

Until something better comes out.

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June: This Is The Man/Monster Heat War White House Internship Purge

by on July 18, 2013 at 6:20 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

June’s movie titles would make a pretty good summer movie, with men versus monsters, hot (not cold) wars, and a mass exodus of free employment from our capital. Instead, June’s retroactive review roundup brings us to the half way point of the summer movie season. As before, we go from best to worst, but this time we begin by saying This Is The End (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“From the clockwork comic timing to the movie’s salty mix of the ridiculous and the reflective, This Is the End is stupidly hysterical and smartly heretical. Cross my heart and hope to die, it’s funny as hell.” Los Angeles Times Betsy Sharkey

When something is ‘funny as hell’ is it because we’re looking down from comfy old Earth or because hell’s where all the comedians are?

“As a celebrity’s-eye-view apocalypse movie, This Is The End delivers huge guffaws and large-scale carnage with enough gusto to mask the indulgences. You’ll never look at Michael Cera in the same way again.” Total Film Matt Maytum

How was I supposed to look at him before?

“A one-joke movie, but it’s a joke whose recurring rimshots grow as loud as our laughter.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

BA-DUM-tssshh

“I enjoyed the hell out of it for a while, but it got irritating and self-congratulatory long before it was over and I desperately do not want to see it again.” Salon.com Andrew O’Hehir

He enjoyed the hell out of it and left wanting to avoid it at all costs, somewhere within lies the truth. Sadly, his best bet to find capital T-truth would be in a philosophy course at Monsters University (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“As a piece of summer entertainment, this strenuously upbeat prequel to Pixar’s “Monsters, Inc.” passes with vibrant colors and will, of course, excel at the box office…But as an offering from Pixar, the studio that set the platinum standard for contemporary animated features, it’s an awful disappointment — and one more reason to worry about Pixar’s future under Disney ownership.” Wall Street Journal Joe Morgenstern

There was a time when ‘Disney magic’ trumped ‘Pixar magic,’ but those days are done. The chief rodent signs all the checks, yet both reputations have been tarnished in the eyes of critics, despite enormous success. In light of all that, how should we define Pixar magic?

“A charming, family friendly endeavor and, although it falls short of the best Pixar has brought to the screen over its long association with Disney, it’s nevertheless worth a trip to the theater, especially for kids.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

Pixar magic: You know, for kids.

“The background designs are beautiful and there are plenty of lively sight gags, but magic isn’t in the cards.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Liam Lacey

Pixar magic doesn’t involve card tricks

“It’s cute, funny, exciting to look at but not quite magical.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz 

Pixar magic proves there is no magic.

“Despite its brainy title, Monsters University only earns a passing grade on its looks.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

Pixar’s undeniably impressive animation skills mean, when it wants to show off amazing visuals, it can really bring The Heat (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The Heat is the best female buddy-cop movie since, well, ever.” USA Today Claudia Puig

Witness the birth of a new genre. Wait, that wasn’t meant to be a gendered comment.

“More often than not The Heat is just stupid-funny, which circles us back to McCarthy, motor-mouthing four-letter fury like an operatic aria. She sells Mullins as delightfully unhinged and fairly radiating with rage, and it’s irresistible.” Austin Chronicle Kimberley Jones

Featuring an opera of profanity, irresistible anger, and the good kind of crazy.

“The Heat is kind of a mess, but it’s a funny mess.” New York Magazine (Vulture) Bilge Ebiri

Hot mess

“Big question. Is The Heat a good movie and really funny, or am I just in love with Melissa McCarthy?” Gary Wolcott Tri-City Herald

All false dichotomies should be followed by options C) all of the above and D) none of the above.

“If you’ve never seen Sandra Bullock blow a peanut shell out of her nose, and you’d like to, The Heat is your movie.” Stephanie Zacharek Village Voice

I haven’t and I hope to before World War Z (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Emerges as a surprisingly smart, gripping and imaginative addition to the zombie-movie canon, owing as much to scientific disaster movies like “The China Syndrome” and “Contagion” as it does to undead ur-texts like the collected works of George Romero.” Variety Scott Foundas

Wait, go back to the part about the zombie cannon.

“It is no summer thriller. It’s an anemic actioner that fosters excitement like dead limbs as it lumbers toward a conclusion.” New York Daily News Joe Neumaier

Implying a movie is ‘as exciting as a corpse’ would be an insult for all genres except zombie.

“The movie has made it to theaters not dead on arrival, but walking dead, running dead, and — when it’s really working — swarming dead.” NPR Bob Mondello

AKA the zombie triathlon

“So once you figure out the first rule of Zombie Fight Club — nothing too bad can happen to Brad Pitt — the movie is, despite intermittent thrills, rote.” New York Post Kyle Smith

The first rule of Zombie Fight Club is, don’t kill Brad. The second rule of Zombie Fight Club is, we don’t talk about Zombie Fight Club.

“World War Z is still as smart, shifty and scary as a starving zombie ready to chow down on you, baby, you.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

Good luck chowing down on a Man Of Steel (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“At once frantically overblown and beautifully filigreed, Man of Steel will turn on everyone it doesn’t turn off.” The New York Times Manohla Dargis

You are an emotional light switch and this movie intends to flick you.

“Snyder tries to up the spectacle ante with ever more explosions, crashes, thermal blasts, topological realignments, gunfire and mano-a-mano fistfights. But the result is a punishing sense of diminishing returns and a genre that has finally reached the point of mayhem-induced exhaustion.” Washington Post Ann Hornaday

Superman has unlimited stamina for everything, including desensitization.

“What it fails to supply much of — surprisingly, it must be said — is fun. This is serious business, Snyder seems always to be saying. This is badass. And given the sheer logistical size of the spectacle on display, it’s a position that’s hard to argue with.” NPR Glen Weldon

DC comics, all rights reserved. Please don’t hurt me Supes.

“This is a pretty good action movie that justifies bringing back the Superman franchise — a dubious proposition to begin with — by taking the plight of the superhero seriously. Henry Cavill is charismatic in the lead role, Amy Adams is an ideal Lois Lane and, as the villain, Michael Shannon does the best Michael Shannon impersonation you’ve ever seen.” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle

Holy shit. When actors begin impersonating themselves, they cross into the pantheon of mega stardom with icons like Tom Cruise, Chuck Norris, and Nicholas Cage. Welcome Mr. Shannon. Most people still don’t know who you are.

“So we get no zippy, Tony Stark-flavored one-liners. No comic-relief characters. No nonsense. But that means we also get no up, up and away, either.” New Orleans Times-Picayune Mike Scott

When it can’t go up, it’s White House Down (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A buddy comedy disguised as a political thriller. It’s full of malarkey, but as a campaign of shock and awe, it’s hard to resist.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

Initiate Operation: Wallet Suck

“This is getting old.” Miami Herald Connie Ogle

The movie just came out and it’s already too old for this shit?

“Crank up the destruction-porn, strike up the patriotic movie-muzak, round off the sun-bright halo around the Obama-like Prez. By the exhausted end, it’s all a super-spangled slice of apple pie.” Brian Gibson Vue Weekly (Edmonton, Canada)

Believe it or not, it’s just me

“Intentionally or not, Roland Emmerich’s White House Down is the comedy hit of the summer. No other film equals its comic sophistication. Each nutty scenario is surpassed by the next, ludicrous story lines coalesce with expert orchestration, and absurd details return with perfect timing to build to a crescendo of hilarity.” Boston Globe Peter Keough

Sold as an action movie, remembered as a comedy?

“[A] cartoonish, offensive, overblown, clanging, steaming piece of … cinema.” Chicago Sun-Times Richard Roeper

No need to self-censor, embrace The Purge (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Mostly, it’s just a clumsy lecture about who we’re becoming, haves vs have-nots, with the haves armed to the teeth.” Movie Nation Roger Moore

The have-nots become haves by having what the haves had.

“There are flaws, but also some fun surprises. Much closer to Hitchcock than “Hostel,” this is what can happen when a pile of trash falls into the hands of a talented and resourceful director (James DeMonaco).” San Francisco Chronicle Peter Hartlaub

We get trash art?

“So here I am, trying to like The Purge because I’m drawn to its simple and horrific premise, and it’s treating me (and you) as if we have the IQs of lawn ornaments.” Charlotte Observer Lawrence Toppman

Mobile ornament. Betcha can’t say that five times fast

“When critics bemoan the dumbing down of movies, they’re talking about stuff like The Purge.” James Berardinelli ReelViews

Perhaps the people in charge should smarten up and apply for The Internship (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

 

“The fact that this overlong, often preposterous comedy succeeds at all (which it does, only occasionally) proves that the Vaughn/Wilson charm can still work a measure of magic.” Washington Post Jen Chaney

Vaughn/Wilson magic: Still nowhere near Pixar

“What makes The Internship especially unfortunate is that there are pieces of a better, funnier movie lying around here, pretty much unnoticed.” Salon.com Andrew O’Hehir

It’s an IKEA movie that’s been poorly put together? Didn’t they Google directions?

“That the film ends up floundering is not really their fault. These two belong on screen together: when they’re not completing each other’s sentences, they’re completing them wrongly, which is even better.” The Telegraph Tim Robey

And I was feeling lucky

“The Internship is the movie version of a goofy dog that knows only a few tricks but keeps on looking at you and wagging his tail, daring you not to like him. Down, boy. You win.” Chicago Sun-Times Richard Roeper

You heard it here first. Richard Roeper liked the movie for humping his leg.

“The real star of The Internship is Google itself, and what a self-aggrandizing diva she is.” The A.V. Club A.A. Dowd

King Sheep thought Google was an IT

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May: The Fast Trek Into Great Earth Man Hangovers

by on June 12, 2013 at 2:21 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

The 2013 summer movie season begins with the month of May and options range from iconic to moronic. We begin with the former and descend in quality from there. Prepare to Star Trek Into Darkness (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Star Trek Into Darkness gives you an exhilarating, tingle-inducing rush — that rare feeling that comes when a gigantic entertainment is firing on all fronts, exceeding your expectations.” Miami Herald Rene Rodriguez

Fire all expectations! Ahead, warp factor awesome!

“Star Trek Into Darkness is a giddy homage to what’s come before it, but it also at least tries to go boldly where … well, you know.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

Best answers to “To boldly go”

a)   Where no one has gone before

b)   To a galaxy far far away

c)   To see it again

d)   Split an infinitive

“For all its chasing and falling and fighting-and the movie supplies a great deal of each-Star Trek Into Darkness is at its best when the Enterprise crew are merely bickering and bantering among themselves: less space opera than soap opera.” Christopher Orr The Atlantic

Next up: Rock Opera

“The casting coup here is Benedict Cumberbatch, who exudes steely resolve and silken savagery as a villain on the cusp of becoming a legendary nemesis.” Washington Post Ann Hornaday

Khaaaaan’t get enough Cumberbatch. It’s unfortunate his fan base labeled themselves Cumbercbitches.

“Noisy, frenetic, grandiose and essentially a soap opera, director J.J. Abrams’s second contribution to the franchise has everything, including romance: Never before have Capt. James T. Kirk and his Vulcan antagonist, Mr. Spock, seemed so very much in love.” Wall Street Journal John Anderson

Beam me Scotty. Make it Long and Prosper. Drop a few words and catchphrases sound smutty. Fittingly, next up is a love triangle between Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, and Iron Man 3 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Black proves the perfect blacksmith, forging smart new tech and scenarios for the swaggering super-genius. If this does turn out to be Downey Jr.’s final solo outing, it’s a very strong exit.” Empire Nick de Semlyen

Considering Marvel money is $50 million per movie for Downey, his only worry would be the golden butt plate hitting his ass on the way out.

“The big problems with Iron Man 3 are less specific to the movie itself than they are characteristic of the hypermalaise that’s infected so many current mega-blockbusters—too much plot, too much action, too many characters, too many pseudo-feelings.” Village Voice Stephanie Zacharek

Less plot! Less action! Fewer characters! Real feelings! Sounds more like an indie movie than a superhero franchise.

“As compared to the overwrought, too-many-irons-in-the-fire second installment, Iron Man 3 proves its metal, oops, mettle, once again.” Kimberly Gadette Doddle

Weld done

“In the midst of various plot threads with varying degrees of contemporary relevance, Black pulls off a crazy plot twist a little more than halfway through the film that’s truly inspired and solidifies it as a comedy.” Eric Melin Scene-Stealers.com

The same might be said of the vehicular violence and car chaos in Fast And The Furious 6 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Against all odds, the billion-dollar “Fast & Furious” franchise is actually picking up momentum, with “FF6” clocking in as the fastest, funniest and most outlandish chapter yet.” Chicago Sun-Times Richard Roeper

Just as Trek has an every-other rule, people will compare future franchises to the Fast & Furious formula:

The Fast and the Furious (2001) – cars and girls.

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) – cars and dudes.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006) – cars and stunts.

Fast and Furious (2009) – cars and fewer ‘the’s’

Fast Five (2011) – ensemble banter, cars, and crazy stunts.

Fast & Furious 6 (2013) – Fast & Funny & Fucking ridiculous.

“This franchise that won’t die began in 2001 as The Fast and the Furious and has pretty much run through every title permutation, so the inevitable next chapter might be called only ‘The & The 7.’” Tampa Bay Times Steve Persall

But the one after that will be A D8 with F8.

“This is a franchise entirely comfortable with what it is, what it’s not, and what it has to offer. It has a whole mess of “Fast” for us all, and woe be the souls who enter this film hoping to go slow.” Film.com Laremy Legel

Don’t fear the chicken brake

“Like its predecessors, doesn’t need CGI, 3-D glasses or even praise from film critics. It just needs to please its audience with amped-up, old-school thrills that make its target demo whoop and holler with every zoom, smash and ka-BOOM. Consider this review a declaration that it does just that.” Washington Post Jen Chaney

Good for when you want some zoom zoom with your boom boom.

“No film that includes a Vin Diesel flying headbutt could remotely be called a write-off, and Furious 6, like its predecessors, is a big screen no-brainer that’s objectively terrible but undeniably pleasurable. A reversal from Fast 5, it’s still a gear above all the other sequels. And an end-credits teaser promises much for the future.” Empire Owen Williams

Everyone agrees it’s bad, but they all enjoyed it? That’s the kind of backwards praise you’d hear from freshmen describing The Great Gatsby (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“What’s truly telling about this brash, boisterous adaptation is that the director clearly understands the spirit of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel better than most film critics.” Jim Schembri 3AW

Uh oh, a film critic just threw down the hypothetical gauntlet. Who’s got a witty retort?

“Gatsby/ghastly” Joe Baltake Passionate Moviegoer

Clever/never.

“It may not be pure F. Scott, but this lavish, flamboyant version is quite the show…old sport!” Neil Pond  American Profile

New sport

“Sure, it’s a Bazdardisation, but underneath the over-the-top art-deco design there’s an elegant and sometimes touching tale to be found, with Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio) reaching out for the woman he cannot seem to forget.” Simon Weaving Screenwize

Bazdardisation is a spelltastrophe.

“Fitzgerald classic gets a decadent, gorgeous, tricky update.” S. Jhoanna Robledo Common Sense Media

If you’re looking for tricks, finish this sentence: Now You See Me (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The real trick is going to be pulling the ticket price out of the audience’s pockets for this handful of smoke.” Kelly Vance East Bay Express

Which trick is real, pick-pocketing or selling smoke?

“The editing of the action sequences is an insult to the idea of narrative clarity.” Boston Globe Mark Feeney

If narrative clarity could take offense, it would soon forgive for the sake of narrative clarity.

“About as thrilling as watching a movie about a white rabbit come out of a magician’s hat.” Dennis Schwartz Ozus’ World Movie Reviews

Uncatty

“None of these seemingly plot-rich questions are explored; instead, we’re stuck with a greasy-haired Mark Ruffalo, as his detective character flounders along in their wake, muttering that he doesn’t have time for this magic crap.” New York Post Sara Stewart

Having time for this magic crap depends on your schedule.

“A sleight-of-hand heist film that feels like a cross between David Blaine and “Ocean’s Eleven,” with a little Robin Hood thrown in, it’s a ripping bit of fun. If, that is, you let it be.” New Orleans Times-Picayune Mike Scott

Let it be. Don’t ask questions. Observe from a reasonable distance. In a sense, treat the film like a drunk bear. Or worse, one trying to sleep off 1, 2, and Hangover III (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“If only what happened in Vegas had stayed in Vegas.” Tom Charity CNN.com

Oddly fitting that a series about hangovers would be something you’d want to forget.

“If the first “Hangover” movie were this awful, there never would have been a Part Two. This is a joyless, unfunny mix of comedy and drama, a complete waste of time, with exactly one good joke in the entire movie. It comes in the first minute. After that, you can leave.” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle

Even in Vegas, movies don’t let you pay-by-the-minute.

“The good news is that The Hangover Part III isn’t a rerun like the second episode. The bad news is everything else. For all the promise of mayhem and WTF moments, the final episode hits you with all the force of a warm can of O’Doul’s.” New York Post Kyle Smith

Size matters

“Young viewers looking for unbridled raunch will be sadly disappointed, and so will other moviegoers expecting more than a few wan chuckles. This picture is like a brightly colored balloon with all the comic air seeping out.” The Hollywood Reporter Stephen Farber

But deflating balloons make fart noises. Even if it’s not funny, people laugh.

“It’s an unnecessary movie, with some funny parts and a few callbacks to the original, as if visiting Las Vegas for a bit might bring back some of the original magic. It doesn’t, but at least this time it seems like they’re trying. A little, at least.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

Yay, the movie is trying. That kind of creative pity would be better saved for M. Night Schadenfreude, whose latest flop explores what’s After Earth (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“M. Night Shyamalan has directed movies that are surprising, hokey, suspenseful, sentimental, clever, touching or cheesy. But until After Earth, he hadn’t made any that are dull from end to end.” Charlotte Observer Lawrence Toppman

He’s dramatized ghosts, superheroes, aliens, water nymphs, magic-fu, and trees. If ‘dull’ was the last to-do on his filmmaker bucket list, there’s no shame in retirement.

“M. Night Shyamalan is branching out, coming up with new ways to make bad movies. His plan must be to exhaust all possibilities, so as to eventually come full circle and make a good one by accident.” Mick LaSalle Hearst Newspapers

“There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed.” Napoleon Bonaparte

“Jaden is fine at running, jumping, fearful trembling, and affecting steely resolution. He doesn’t yet have his father’s charisma; perhaps to help him out, dad opted not to bring that charisma to the set.” Village Voice Alan Scherstuhl

Will Smith put on more than Seven Pounds to play Ali (that was the Hitch), unfortunately Hancock’s acting in After Earth sounds less like I Am Legend and more like I, Robot. The difference between a Shark Tale and The Pursuit Of Happyness doesn’t have to be Six Degrees Of Separation. The Fresh Prince reminded us the Wild Wild West was Made In America, the Enemy Of The State shares Independence Day with The Legend Of Bagger Vance, and Men In Black can be Bad Boys 2.

“The critical problem with After Earth is that Smith Jr’s whiny character has all the likeability of an anal fissure.” Jordan Farley SFX Magazine

King Sheep hopes that’s the worst thing you read today

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What does the D in D-Box stand for?

by on May 16, 2013 at 5:18 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

I just walked out of my first D-Box movie and my fillings are still shaking. If you haven’t heard of D-Box, think of it as having the sensations of a fixed-seat ride (like Star Tours) while watching a blockbuster film, or expressed more simply, it’s a seat that shakes. There are a few notable benefits – the D-Box chairs are usually placed in the center of the theater and they offer additional leg room. Plus, you get what you pay for, in that the D-box rumbles under your derriere whenever something exciting happens. Since I was watching Iron Man 3, there were several opportunities for shaking and rumbling.

D-Box wants to add another sensory experience for moviegoers. It wants to be a step away from a coin-operated plastic rocket and a step towards Huxley’s Feelies. This technology isn’t new, but this is a novel use for it. However, based on what I saw, and more particularly felt for the last 2 ½ hours, it is in need of serious revision.

It is now 45 minutes after the movie ends and my ass finally feels normal. It’s like standing up after a long bus ride on an uncomfortable seat. Between my neck and butt, there is a phantom buzz like a missing smart phone. It’s a tingle. It’s a mild numbness. It’s a shame it cost me $8 bucks to learn that D-Box doesn’t work.

To be fair, there were a few times during the film where I forgot that I was sitting on a one-person Shake-Weight. When Iron Man crashes through a bunch of trees, each impact jostled me around as if I were part of the action. The much-previewed falling passenger scene was enthralling and I felt a level of excitement that might be credited to the D-Box experience. This was one of the few scenes where I forgot about the shaking and got lost in the moment.

For extra price, it should add something extra to the experience. With the D-Box, rarely was my viewing enhanced in any positive manner. Instead, I was distracted by constant gyrating as mundane moments in the film (a car speeding away, aerial context shots, a tense verbal exchange) were interrupted by shakes, tilts, and rumbles.

To give you an example, there is a scene where Tony Stark delivers a few choice lines to reporters, hops into his sports car, and speeds away. With the D-Box, I was tilted backwards and felt the rumble of the engine in my lower spine. I felt the car move, but I saw it drive away. D-Box can’t vary its approach enough to ‘put you in the movie.’ The tilt and shake as Tony driving feels the same as Iron Man getting punched. For the most part, the technology distracts you from the action because it insists on reminding you it’s there.

D-Box is not a bad idea. There is an arcade thrill to feeling more than the chill of air conditioning or the thumping of bass. Perhaps one day this idea will deliver on the promise of improving the movie-going experience, rather than being an ineffective and over-priced massage for half my body. But for now:

King Sheep says the D stands for don’t bother.

 

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