King Sheep Productions

Before we get started with this week’s Flicktacular Suckfest: Fool’s Gold (10%), all potential Palouse movie-theater goer-patrons should know that the Audian has changed its projectapalooza schedule. From now on, all showings are on weekends (6:30/9pm), with Saturday and Sunday matinees (4pm, in this case), no weekday showings. However, before you weep bird about Thursdays, know that the price has dropped. Whereas an evening in beautiful downtown Pullman used cost you a tube of toothpaste ($3.50), it is now a single coin ($1). If you’ve been sucking down Raman for the last month trying to squeak by on rent, cinema entertainment just entered your price range. Now then, is this movie so bad that it’s not worth sacrificing ten dimes?

“IF THERE IS A ROMANTIC-COMEDY HELL, Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson surely stand at the gates waving people in.” Matt Kelemen Las Vegas CityLife

Since we’ve already been to buddy-comedy hell (Wild Hogs) and dysfunctional-family hell (Welcome home Roscoe Jenkins) I look forward to welcoming this Caribbean clunker into our illustrious hall of shame.

“A bad movie, bad in almost every respect, bad as adventure and bad as romance and bad as comedy. It’s really completely bad.” Tim Brayton Antagony & Ecstasy

Okay we get it. It’s bad. But surely there is some redeeming aspect.

“Does McConaughey have some codicil in his contract stipulating he must spend at least 51% of a movie shirtless? “ Pete Vonder Haar Film Threat

“May have been filmed in a new process: Pectoralscope.” John Beifuss Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)

So, McConaughey’s gut rack is the big draw here. Apparently, he flashes it more often than a hyperactive strobe light. Fans of the Thunder From Down In Front are sure to be pleased, but what about people who are expecting the mildly amusing romantic chemistry of “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days”?

“Director Andy Tennant seems to have found a mythical Zen space of bad comedic timing.” Rob Vaux Flipside Movie Emporium

At least it’s good at being bad. Let’s finish this by weighing it against its peers.

“Fool’s Gold makes Six Days, Seven Nights look like Raiders of the Lost Ark. It makes Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End look like Pirates: Curse of the Black Pearl. It makes Into the Blue look like everything.” Fred Topel Can Magazine

Too wordy. Why don’t you use some of those summery skills and show us teachers that you learned something this semester. If we decide to fork over 20 nickels what are we in for?

“It’s like Raiders of the Lost Ark, only for retards.” Jon Popick Planet Sick-Boy

Practically Doing Jumping-Jacks

Check out the gut rack.

Everybody loves Juno [6:30/9] (at least more than Raymond). It’s
undeniable (and I hate hyperbole). When was the last time I sent you
an email about a movie with 93% positive reviews? SO- the Haters
(that’s 13 out of 179 critics) get one free shot. Go.

“What a hideous piece of faux-hipster crap.” David Cornelius eFilmCritic.com

Curse those faux-hipsters with their pseudo-wise wise cracks and
semi-serious slander. You can tell by the bluntness of his web
address that he was born without a sense of humor. Tragic. On to the
Juno fans.

“After three viewings, I kind of feel like I have a crush on ‘Juno’
the movie and Juno the character. I’m poised halfway on the emotional
scale between the bemused affection of Juno’s tolerant father and the
wide-eyed wonder of Juno’s pale boyfriend.” John Beifuss Commercial
Appeal (Memphis, TN)

Uh. Does anyone else get a little ick off that review? Describing
your emotional relationship with a movie, especially when you call it
a crush, gets a blip on stalker-dar. But I’m being too harsh. There’s
nothing wrong with a little bemused affection for an art house
upstart. So long as it doesn’t go too far. Right John? Let’s
brighten the mood.

“Juno is the best movie of the year. It’s the best screenplay of the
year, and it features the best actress of the year working with the
best acting ensemble of the year.” Tom Long Detroit News

That’s the best overuse of best I’ve ever seen. Someone get this guy
a thesaurus. We know the movie is good, heck most of the people
reading this have already seen it. Use a metaphor and help us
understand why we should see it a second time.

“If Juno were cheese and macaroni, it would be among the most
satisfying mac-and-cheese dishes ever conceived.” John Wirt Advocate
(Baton Rouge, LA)

Is he saying that Juno is like movie comfort food or is he plugging
Kraft and implying that it’s the cheesiest? Regardless, he made the
mistake of writing when he wanted to be eating. We on the other hand
intend to drink when we want to be drinking (my office 8pm) and watch
a movie when we want to be playing darts. We need a final word.

“Excels in smart, stylishly rude, tangy teen dialogue, courtesy of
screenwriter and former stripper and phone sex operator, Diablo Cody,
boasting career choices that have assisted her in perfecting talking
dirty on screen into a science, I guess.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

Oddly, I don’t remember seeing much of the author’s backstory in the
movie. Perhaps there is a deleted scene featuring a trash-talking
writer/stripper named Diablo. If not, let’s keep our fingers crossed
for the sequel.

PDJ