Creature Haven Safe To Die

by on February 14, 2013 at 9:01 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Whether the titular sanctuary for genetic monstrosities is going out-of-business or welcoming the soon-to-be-departed, let’s hope it’s A Good Day To Die Hard (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Few fans of the series would disagree that this sclerotic fifth installment should probably be the last.” Dana Stevens Slate

Because true fans always know when to let go.

“For all its mayhem, for all the smashing windows and kabooming fireballs, the grenade launchers and giant helicopters, A Good Day to Die Hard not only fails to top its predecessors, it also forgets the basic Die Hard rules.” Philadelphia Inquirer Steven Rea

Rule #1: Don’t die.

“Die Hard 5 does at least feature the best villain in the franchise: director John Moore.” Kristian Harloff Schmoes Know

Yippee Ki-yay Meta-fucker

“All concerned should be dropped from the 30th floor of a high rise.” Ed Whitfield The Ooh Tray

A feat that should only be attempted by people who literally die hard. Like zombies.

“The title A Good Day to Die Hard is not just a name, it’s a proclamation that this series is now ready for the graveyard.” Kofi Outlaw ScreenRant

McClane and Co. should either Rest In Pieces or try to find a Safe Haven (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“I hate Safe Haven. It’s a terrible thing to do to your Valentine.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

Or, it’s how to say “I love you” to someone you hate.

“This sloppy sentimental journey is long on beauty shots, short on depth and seriously intent on tugging your heartstrings. Indeed, it demands you reach for those tissues. Sob.” Los Angeles Times Betsy Sharkey

A forced sob makes the film an S.O.B.?

“If it can be said movies have personalities, I give you three words to sum up the basic core identity of Safe Haven: Bat. Bleep. Crazy.” Chicago Sun-Times Richard Roeper

No. Bleeping. Way.

“Are you ready for a legendary love story to warm the cockles of your heart on Valentine’s Day and redefine what love means in the 21st Century? Would you settle for Safe Haven?” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

Is one question sarcastic?

“A movie that passably ambles along in generic-melodrama mode before finally insulting audience intelligence one time too many.” Boston Globe Tom Russo

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, wait, what’d I do the first time? Anyhow, the point is to hell with Nick Sparks and his Beautiful Creatures (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“If only we could hope that Beautiful Creatures would stick to a single film or a maximum of one sequel, before its modest charms wear out.” Peter Howell Toronto Star

Just got here and people already want it to leave.

“[C]learly hoping to ride on Twilight’s supernatural star-crossed sex-free teenage-romance coattails… Apparently, fantasies for young girls that teach them to hate their own humanity are officially a thing now.” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, ride the self-loathing romantically-sexless coattails! They’re a thing now.

“In the end, “Beautiful Creatures” is lacking in the one element it most needs: magic.” Tom Long Detroit News

Poof! Home run! Suck it witches!

“I kind of dug “Beautiful Creatures,” even if I, like most of you, am ready to drive a stake into the entire “My boyfriend/girlfriend is a vampire/werewolf/alien/zombie/Sasquatch” genre.” Ty Burr Boston Globe

Sasquatch/werewolf relations are bestiality, vampire/zombie affection is necrophilia, and alien-to-human coupling is bestiality where humans are the beasts.

“What promised to be a teen screwball comedy with a supernatural twist soon descends into special-effects overkill and camp acting from the overqualified supporting cast.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Liam Lacey

King Sheep is quazi-qualified

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A Glimpse Inside The Thief Gun Effect

by on February 9, 2013 at 6:50 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Examining the practice of thieves using guns isn’t likely to reveal much. They’d use snow blowers or kitchen shears if it made it easier to get your hard-earned cash. However, guns have clear parameters for use, while abnormal tools of robbery have unknown Side Effects (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Stop reading now, avoid all reviews and blabbermouths, and go see the movie yourself before anyone tells you anything.” Alonso Duralde The Wrap

Uh oh. By reading this roundup you’ll know more than nothing.

“This clever bag of tricks is made with so much cinematic skill it makes implausibility irrelevant. What happens on screen is unapologetically far-fetched, but it unfolds with enough panache to make turning away out of the question.” Los Angeles Times Kenneth Turan

It’s rare to praise implausibility as positively irrelevant (emphasis on the positive).

“[It] will both keep you on your toes and at the edge of your seat.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger

Good reason to be edge of seat

“The movie maintains its sense of style throughout, but that hardly matters as the story just gets stupider and stupider.” Mark Jenkins NPR

Beware of snide effects.

“Side Effects is mostly a good Saturday-night movie, but by the end, it’s caused a few unintended side effects of its own: a bit of head-scratching, and a giggle or two of disbelief.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

The movie will make you laugh at lunacy and head-scratch with a happy ‘huh?’ Perhaps that’s what happens when we take A Glimpse Inside The Mind of Charles Swan III (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Seriously, this is one of the strangest and most painful films in recent memory.” Salon.com Andrew O’Hehir

Let’s try it again, less seriously.

“All this eye candy is ultimately only about as engaging as watching kids at play, which is what Sheen and Schwartzman seem to be doing. I can’t argue that this isn’t an accurate glimpse inside some man’s mind — perhaps Austin Powers?” Time Mary Pols

He’s a man, man

“A noodling indulgence that’s alternately freewheeling and dead in the water.” Sheri Linden Los Angeles Times

It’s dead, but moves around a lot?

“It isn’t a movie so much as a feature-length perfume commercial for a Charlie Sheen signature cologne with gorgeous packaging and absolutely nothing inside.” The A.V. Club Nathan Rabin

If someone tried to sell me an empty bottle of perfume, I might suspect they were also an Identity Thief (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A lot of movies released into theaters deserve the label of “bad.” Only a few cross the line into “reprehensible.” Say hello to Identity Thief.” James Berardinelli ReelViews

Hi?

“If you think about it long enough, you’ll realize that the movie is asking you to root for a disturbed sociopath who ruins people’s lives for sport. Are we having fun yet?” David Medsker Bullz-Eye.com

Maybe? When it comes to comedy, audiences root for the funny one.

“The deadly dull action-comedy Identity Thief is an infuriating waste of time, on all sides of camera and screen. I did not know I could yawn angrily. This movie somehow proved it possible.” Portland Oregonian M. E. Russell

He’s mad tired

“Identity Thief elicited one giant shrug from me.” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

But is it shrug-tastic or shrug-trocious?

“No matter how may times Identity Thief switches tracks, nothing works — it fails as a star vehicle, a recession-era satire, a WTF white-collar-grunt revenge tale, a “Midnight Run”–style buddy flick, a gross-out laughfest and a bathetic tale of broken souls. No amount of stolen guises can fix it.” Time Out New York David Fear

At least the title confesses its kleptomania. Most titles can’t be as honest about their content as Top Gun: IMAX (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“There are elements that hold up – especially Cruise’s blinding charisma. The aerial scenes are still thrilling, and perfectly suited to a giant screen. Everything else? Well, that depends on how nostalgic you’re feeling.” Elizabeth Weitzman New York Daily News

I feel the need. The need for a thing I used to like.

“Basically perfect, even it is perfect at one of the worst sorts of things a movie can attempt.” Tim Brayton Antagony & Ecstasy

Being Top Fun?

“Every time I see it, I just want to smash Tom Cruise’s smug, arrogant face into the cockpit windshield.” Rob Vaux Flipside Movie Emporium

Cruising for a bruising

“Thrilling but far too rah-rah.” Rich Cline Shadows on the Wall

Better than blah blah.

“Everything wrong with 80s movies in one film.” Ken Hanke Mountain Xpress (Asheville, NC)

King Sheep thought the 80’s were gnarly

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Movie Witch Warms Bullet Guy

by on February 1, 2013 at 4:51 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Gunpowder guys should stay away from witches; despite their chilly reputation, most have Warm Bodies (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Warm Bodies is a sweetly funny and touching riff on Beauty and the Beast or Romeo and Juliet — if the Beast feasted on flesh or Romeo came back from the dead.” Cary Darling Fort Worth Star-Telegram/DFW.com

Tell Juliet and Beauty to run for it.

“Jonathan “50/50″ Levine has turned Isaac Marion’s teen romance novel into an often amusing tongue-in-cheek romantic comedy – tongue in cheek, and brains in teeth. Chewy, tasty brains.” Movie Nation Roger Moore

Mmmm. Nuuuuuts.

“You’d have to be a zombie not to enjoy it.” Tom Long Detroit News

Any brain dead reviewers out there?

“Zombie lore doesn’t allow for redemption, only head shots, and Levine’s film, amusing though it may be, is never gory enough to truly become a classic zombie movie. It also ignores the one basic necessity of monster films, even the funny ones: It really ought to be creepy or scary or gross, at least once or twice.” Miami Herald Connie Ogle

It’s a Zom-Rom-Com minus the Nom-Nom-Nom.

“In a genre that’s grown so exhausted – what are we, up to “Night of the Resident Evil Dead Part 23” by now? – “Warm Bodies” not only brings in some fresh blood, but has brains to spare.” Stephen WhittyNewarkStar-Ledger

Eventually we’ll give up on permutations of “resident” & “dead” and settle for labels like Movie 43 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“At its best, Movie 43 resembles a risqué episode of Saturday Night Live – a comparison reinforced by the presence of both parody ads and Jason Sudeikis. At its worst? Let’s just say that Hugh Jackman fans who want to remember the actor as Jean Valjean and not as a guy with a scrotum sprouting from his neck should make alternate plans this weekend.” Entertainment Weekly Maane Khatchatourian

Wolverine – Jean Valjean – Neck Scrotum Guy. Is he moving in a more-tortured or less-tortured direction?

“How many directors does it take to screw in a star-studded piece of aggressive stupidity and call it a movie? An even dozen, and there is no punch line.” Sheri Linden Los Angeles Times

Rim minus the shot.

“Just no.” Empire Kim Newman

Just say it

“It’s rare to see a piece of sh** that actually looks and sounds like a piece of sh**. It’s kind of exciting!” New York Magazine (Vulture) David Edelstein

The shit is shit.

“If you mashed-up the worst parts of the infamous “Howard the Duck,” “Gigli,” “Ishtar” and every other awful movie I’ve seen since I started reviewing professionally in 1981, it wouldn’t begin to approach the sheer soul-sucking badness of the cringe-inducing Movie 43.” New York Post Lou Lumenick

If the shit guy is right, it sounds like…

“’Movie 43’ is the “Citizen Kane” of awful.” Richard Roeper Chicago Sun-Times

Meaning it will make critics want to take a Bullet To The Head (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“This is a brutal and stupid movie.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

How many Stallone movies fit that description?

“A wilfully old-fashioned, oddly soothing sprawl of cool cars, heavy weaponry, chain-link fences and cackling crooks.” Xan Brooks Guardian [UK]

Its rare for the best qualities to include “Chain-link fences.”

“The Geritol action genre lumbers on in the lackluster “Bullet to the Head,” starring Sylvester Stallone, or at least a beef jerky replica.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

If zombie bites make zombies, what does biting zombies do?

“By the end I could have used a Bulleit to the mouth.” Joe Morgenstern Wall Street Journal

Technically, your mouth is in your head.

“It’s junk, and it’s excessively violent, which is a given. Approach it as a Stallone movie (which it is) or as a Hill movie (which it is), but it’s more interesting as a Hill movie. If it gets this director back into the hard-driving action game, then it will have done its duty.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

If we need help with which witch is which, we should call Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“I doubt that they had Strike Anywhere matches in the 14th century, and I’m pretty sure nobody said things like “Whatever happens, stay cool.” Rex Reed New York Observer

I’m pretty sure people didn’t wear head-to-toe leather jumpsuits and use hair product in the middle ages either, but hunting witches with rags and diseases doesn’t look as cool in 3D.

“What to say about this lame-brained, limp dick attempt to update a classic Brothers Grimm tale into an f-bomb throwing vomit-inducing 3D franchise? I say, screw the damn thing and run the other way.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

Rule #1: Cardio

“What’s next, ‘The Old Woman who lives in the Shoe – with Shoulder-Fired Rocket Launchers?'” Mark Ramsey MovieJuice!

Yes please!

“What on Earth are Renner and Arterton doing in this godforsaken thing?” Stephanie Zacharek Village Voice

Answer: Demon$trating that they are Stand Up Guys (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Dare we say it? Even the acting is atrocious, with pop-eyed Pacino chewing the scenery like a geezer gumming his oatmeal.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

He said it, but nobody dared him.

“Just because “Stand Up Guys” is not very good is no reason not to see it.” Duane Dudek Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Damn that was faint praise.

“It’s like watching your grandfather get naked on YouTube.” Ty Burr Boston Globe

Great idea! Said no one ever.

“Is it fun? Sure, some of the time. Is it good? That’s a stretch. Does it tap the potential of these three actors? Fuggedaboutit.” Tom LongDetroitNews

King Sheep loves rhetorical questions?

 

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The Last Miserable Broken Mama Standing

by on January 18, 2013 at 4:53 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

We don’t know why the last mom alive is miserable. Is it because she’s broken or the last? That’s the half empty. The half full evokes a survivalist bad-ass who withstood death only to join Les Miserables (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“After 2½ hours, the movie’s become a bowl of trail mix – you’re picking out the nuts you don’t like and hoping the next bite doesn’t contain any craisins. All the carefully crafted misérables turns into a pile of miz.” Boston Globe Wesley Morris

If the movie is trail mix, Wolverine is the sharp almond, Catwoman is a curvy cashew, and the Gladitor is a peanut.

“For better or worse, though, this adaptation of the mega-hit Broadway musical fits neither description, largely because it lives in that kinda-sorta, okay-not-great, this-worked-that-didn’t in-between for which words like “better” and “worse” fall woefully short.” Washington Post Ann Hornaday

For-better-or-worse, okay-not-great, and kinda-sorta in-between? One more filler comment would be as welcome as a fart on an airplane.

“By the end, you feel like a piñata: in pieces, the victim of prolonged assault by killer pipes.” The Guardian Catherine Shoard

Soon-to-be-killed pipes

“The tasteless bombardment that is Les Misérables would, under most circumstances, send audiences screaming from the theater, but the film is going to be a monster hit and award winner, and not entirely unjustly.” New York Magazine (Vulture) David Edelstein

Is it unjust for a tasteless practically-unwatchable film to become an award-winning blockbuster?

“When Les Misérables is good, it is very, very good, and when it is bad, it’s usually because Russell Crowe has opened his mouth.” Austin Chronicle Kimberley Jones

Crowe can destroy things just by talking?! That’s super villain crap. Quick, evacuate the set before we’re left in a Broken City (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)!

”’Broken City’? More like ‘Broken Movie.’” Randy Cordova Arizona Republic

Old joke? More like gold joke.

“The movie’s curious capacity for self-erasure makes it a tough one to write about; less than 24 hours later, I recall it with all the clarity of something I half-watched on a plane with a hangover in 1996.” Slate Dana Stevens

No full-price film should be less memorable than a free movie you barely watched.

“It’s too bad to see top talent slumming in an underwritten, under-thought, under-whelming piece of multiplex fodder.” Nell Minow Beliefnet

Under-logical?

”The actors look generally unhappy to be here, most of all Crowe, who seems even more miserable than he did in Les Misérables.” Scott Foundas Village Voice

Despite being the most miserable person in a movie called “The Miserables,” Crowe found a way to be more miserable in this movie.

“Another January dud. Broken City drops hot-shot actors in a quicksand of clichés and watches them sink.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

Celebrities in quick sand! How long till they call for their Mama (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?

“Trading in her red locks for kohl-lined eyes like a raccoon and the vampire look of Rooney Mara in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, [Chastain] is the spookiest thing in Mama. Everything else is cable television.” New York Observer Rex Reed

Oscar-winning half-raccoon vampires do sound scary.

“An effectively spooky ghost story with Guillermo del Toro’s imprimatur (he’s executive producer), Mama is every adoptive parent’s nightmare: What if the children you bring home start eating moths and toilet paper, and won’t come out from under the bed? And when they do, it’s only to do something hurtful?” Philadelphia Inquirer Steven Rea

Answer: Only stock single ply, teach them to cook with a magnifying glass, and hope they outgrow it.

“Two-thirds of the way through Mama a psychiatrist hypnotizing a little girl asks her if she’s asleep. Yes, she says. In fact, by then, so is the audience.” Gary Wolcott Tri-City Herald

Monster over-sleeping

“Nothing in the movie is quite original, yet Muschietti, expanding his original short, knows how to stage a rip-off with frightening verve.” Entertainment Weekly Emily Rome

A well-executed rip-off is still a rip-off. Eventually audiences might make The Last Stand (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Almost certainly, The Last Stand will not be Schwarzenegger’s last. For better or for worse (and this is somewhere right in the middle), he is back.” Philadelphia Inquirer Steven Rea

Dyn-O-Mite! The catchphrase is back! I Pity the Fool who can’t Git-R-Done! Bazinga! There can be only one! D’oh!

“’The Last Stand,’ Arnold Schwarzenegger’s first star vehicle in more than a decade, is not a sci-fi film, though it does travel back in time.” Rafer Guzman Newsday

Plot twist!

“The script is a mess, built on lazy clichés, stilted jokes and easy payoffs. What the movie does have, though, is enthusiasm.” New York Daily News Elizabeth Weitzman

Enthusiasm? Coming right up!

“I totally recall better Arnold Schwarzenegger movies than this, but I wouldn’t say we got a raw deal either.” William Bibbiani CraveOnline

In his prime,Arnold was hotter than Red Heat and destined to be Hollywood’s Last Action Hero. He upgraded Conan the Barbarian to Conan the Destroyer, went Commando with Red Sonja, and embodied The Terminator by killing another Terminator 2 (however by self-terminating, the final kill count was Sarah Conner: 1, Terminator: 3).

Studios used to Jingle All The Way to the bank, but after Batman & Robin made The 6th Day feel like the End Of Days, it was almost The Last Stand for the Kindergarten Cop, whose career looked like Collateral Damage.

So he began telling True Lies as The Running (for office) Man and fathered a new Junior by being a housekeeper Predator (luckily it wasn’t Twins). Meanwhile, The Expendables lead to The Expendables 2 and audiences remembered Arnie as someone other than The Villain. As long as Hollywood can Total Recall past successes and use an Eraser on any Raw Deal publicity, ol’ Arnie will remain as welcome as Hercules In New York.

“A legendary star back on his game. Clever humor. Hellacious setpieces. The smarts to not take things too seriously. When it comes to what you need for a clever, entertaining live-action “Looney Tunes” episode, ble, ble, ble, that’s all, folks.” Nick Rogers Suite101.com

King Sheep thinks folks want more

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Dark Hobbit Hype Keeps Playing

by on December 8, 2012 at 1:13 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

Welcome to roundup #500. Or thereabouts. This isn’t perfect math, this is English major math. Like many historical truisms, the facts don’t matter as much as what is validated by time. Just because Abe was honest doesn’t mean he always told the truth. Maybe Washington didn’t have anything against cherry trees and FDR had more to fear than fear itself. For the last one, we could have asked him if we paid a visit to Hyde Park On Hudson (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“I quite enjoyed “Hyde Park on Hudson” while I was watching it, but ultimately it feels like a minor picture on purpose, as if it had been deliberately designed to be everybody’s second- or third-choice holiday film.” Andrew O’Hehir Salon.com

Aiming for second place can be a good idea if you’re competing against your boss. Or the President.

“A movie in desperate search of a point, despite a good concept and colorful cast.” Laremy Legel Film.com

History, Herstory, and Ourstory don’t often have points, only conclusions drawn by the audience.

“Everything… concerning the royals — portrayed with grace, aplomb, and resolute humanity by the wonderful Samuel West and the goddesslike Olivia Colman — is fantastic. It’s very much the sequel to The King’s Speech…” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

Sequel title: The King Spoke?

“As a patchwork of historical fact and anecdotal evidence, it is at least very colourful.” Stella Papamichael Digital Spy

Since this is an American film, it’s only colorful.

“Hyde Park On Hudson once again finds “Meatballs” star Bill Murray leading a populist, crowd-pleasing slobs-vs.-snobs comedy, but this time, his role as Roosevelt reflects his status as a silver-haired heavyweight thespian.” The A.V. Club Nathan Rabin

There is a cruel accuracy to describing an artist by their most notable misstep. Consider: Ben Affleck (Daredevil), George Clooney (Batman and Robin), or Peter Jackson (Meet The Feebles) who brings you The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“If you’re willing to just go with it, An Unexpected Journey is a competent ride, but as a whole it lacks purpose, giving the impression of a television program in its later seasons still chugging along while full aware that it has peaked. Needless to say, “Hobbit” fans will find plenty to soak in; others may get the feeling of being bludgeoned by deja vu.” indieWIRE Eric Kohn

Which intimidating dwarf wields the mace of déjà vu? It sounds intimidating.

“For now, ‘The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey’ is a good start, but with the expectations resting on the film, is good going to be good enough?” Drew McWeeny HitFix

Memeplication

“Bilbo Baggins’ quest for adventure and Warner Bros’ quest for cash will take him through three films. But your quest for epic, truly entertaining filmmaking will be more successful if you just stay home.” Boxoffice Magazine James Rocchi

If you want LOTR: grab your rings of onion, cloak of snuggie, and enjoy adventures in couch sitting!

“An Unexpected Journey may as well be The Phantom Menace and God help us all if the next two movies aren’t better than this one.” Edward Douglas ComingSoon.net

Since this is fantasy, which God(s) are we talking about?

“The movie lacks majesty. Grand in parts, the movie is too often grandiose or grandiloquent; and the running time is indefensible.” Time Richard Corliss

If you had a grandfather clock, you could set it to chime at Zero Dark Thirty (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Once in a long while, a fresh-from-the-headlines movie – like “All the President’s Men” or “United 93” – fuses journalism, procedural high drama, and the oxygenated atmosphere of a thriller into a new version of history written with lightning. Zero Dark Thirty, Kathryn Bigelow’s meticulous and electrifying re-creation of the hunt for Osama bin Laden, is that kind of movie.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

The most important steps between fresh-from-the-headlines and history writ by lightning are those heading to the theater.

“This is movie journalism that snaps and stings, that purifies a decade’s clamor and clutter into narrative clarity, with a salutary kick.” Richard Corliss TIME Magazine

Rarely used, the ‘salutary kick’ often results in head trauma and a court martial.

“Telling a nearly three-hour story with an ending everyone knows, Bigelow and Boal have managed to craft one of the most intense and intellectually challenging films of the year.” Katey Rich Guardian [UK]

You know how it ends, it gets there slowly, and yet, it is engaging. With high praise like that, this film truly deserves kick salute!

Did you picture this?

Or something like this?

Or this?

“Bigelow’s commitment to a dispassionate, stripped-down approach results in a film whose impact sneaks up on you, leaving you blindsided by its visceral final reels.” Tim Grierson Screen International

Just like the SEALs snuck up on Bin Laden.

“This look at world’s biggest manhunt may be the best manhunt movie ever made.” Jordan Hoffman ScreenCrush

When humans hunt humans, everybody is Playing For Keeps (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Simply put, it’s a mess.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

Said less simply…

“Playing For Keeps unfolds like a metaphorical deconstruction of his charms: a meandering, formulaic look at a former sports star confronted by an uncertain future as he continues to exploit the superficial things the world still seems to want from him.” Todd Gilchrist Celebuzz

Wait, there’s a formula for metaphorical deconstruction?

“Like undercooked leftovers, it makes you wish they had spent a little more time getting some heat into it.” Daniel M. Kimmel Sci-Fi Movie Page

Next time, use a micro-microwave

“Playing For Keeps isn’t that bad; Muccino simply doesn’t know how to fix the script or manage his actors, and the whole thing just sort of sputters out.” Norman Wilner NOW Toronto 

It’s not bad, just the opposite of good.

“A modestly affecting reconciliation drama wrapped in a so-so sports movie by way of a misogynistic romantic comedy, Playing for Keeps can’t stop tripping all over itself.” Variety Justin Chang

King Sheep prefers to skip

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