King Sheep Productions

If you decide to go see one of the three opening movies this weekend, be careful. Sometimes going to see a new movie is like going on a blind date. While the potential for joy and terror should be equal, actual experiences tend to lean negative. And this week’s suitors seem nice on the surface, but the reviews imply that each have a hand grenade of disappointment rolling around in their pockets. First, we pull the pin on Miss March (6%), a road-sex-comedy who’s biggest star is the velvet bathrobe patriarch of Playboy Mansion. With a rating in single digits, it’s the skeezy-mustache/smut-collector-type bachelor of this week’s movie dating game.

“A witless hodgepodge of gross-out gags that by comparison makes last summer’s ‘The House Bunny’ look like ‘Citizen Kane’.” Pete Hammond Hollywood.com

Bachelor #3, have you ever wondered if your whole reason for existing is to serve as a warning for others?

“Miss March is, to use the vernacular of the escapist moviegoer, the biggest pile of crap I’ve seen in ages.” Stephanie Zacharek Salon.com

Silver lining: at least it’s the best at being the worst.

“Cregger and Moore not only star in “Miss March,” they wrote and directed it too, which seems like a selfless act akin to throwing yourself on a live grenade, protecting any innocent careers around you from getting hit by flying shrapnel.” Rob Thomas Capital Times (Madison, WI)

Hey, thanks for bringing this roundup back to grenades (rhetorical symmetry) and giving us a nice insight into this film’s complete lack of entertainment value. But doesn’t any movie featuring Playboy bunnies at least appeal to young boys currently slogging through the quagmire of puberty?

“Even a 15-year-old boy would find this movie to be a chore.” Glenn Whipp Los Angeles Times

Guess not. Bachelor number #2 is a dark and intense remake of an early Wes Craven horror film: The Last House On The Left (44%). The premise is the terrifying exploration of sexual assault and revenge. As with any movie that probes truly dark and unsettling territory, the elements that some people praise are the same ones that make others want to retch.

“Do not go to this movie if you simply seek entertainment. If you’re a sociologist tracking the decline of civilization over the past four decades, you’re in for a night of solid research.” Peter Howell Toronto Star

Wow. I’m afraid to ask what other professions are likely to be attracted to this movie.

“Has plenty of gore and a run-of-the-mill, unimaginative plot that feels tedious, pointless, inane and insipid.” Avi Offer NYC Movie Guru

Those are some negative words, so how about some vocab from the positive section.

“Enthralling, mature and full of measured tension. The Last House on the Left is no The Virgin Spring, but it beats the pants off of its direct thirty-seven-year-old predecessor.” Dustin Putman TheMovieBoy.com

Better than the original is usually a pretty good sign. Too bad I’d never heard of the original until the remake.

“Unlike the slew of Michael Bay- produced slasher remakes, this is not an idea-free flick. And Craven (shepherding producer on this remake) believes in character. More, he believes, in engaging what the word “horror” means.” Lisa Kennedy Denver Post

Definitely a ‘leave the kids at home’ type movie, unlike our last bachelor – the Disney remake of Race to Witch Mountain (37%). Anyone want to summarize the plot for those who did not grow up with the original?

“Two brainiac outer space superteens who can translate dog barks into English, save the universe if not the world with help from The Rock and Watchman’s Silk Spectre Gugino, stuck at a UFO expo for true believers. Kid friendly but this trip needed more gas.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

Okay, this bachelor sounds a little nuts.

“The Rock charms you through the worst of it, but the effects are cheap, the dialogue is about as challenging as a Hannah Montana episode, and the pace manages to be both brisk and numbing.” Mike Russell Oregonian

Awesome…ly bad? It’s hard to tell if those comments are grudgingly negative or backhanded compliments. Clearly we need more data.

“A flavorless sci-fi family picture that fools itself into thinking it is more grandiose than it is. Has all the thrills of a race between a slug and a hermit crab.” Dustin Putman TheMovieBoy.com

I bet a dollar on the slug.

“Bears all the signs of having been composed by an inferior race of alien screenwriters from the Hackulon System.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Nice one. Okay, so the plot isn’t original and the final effect is somewhere between ‘tolerable’ and ‘harmless,’ but it sounds like the Rock (or Dwayne Johnson) is mildly amusing.

“Instead of the next Schwarzenegger the Rock is the next Guttenberg and we have Disney to thank for it.” Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com

Thanks? Sounds like the Disney board of directors is made up of more than one Stonecutter member. All right, since all you have to choose from are two remakes and a piece of shit, let’s end with a dream of something better.

“If Disney insists on raiding its own vaults for remakes, maybe they’ll have better luck with The Laser-Vision, Missile-Launching, Face-Shredding Cat from Outer Space.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC