Hungover Panda Kung-Fu’s Life Tree

by on May 27, 2011 at 7:38 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews

I feel sorry for the poor hungover panda, but I have a few questions about this title; such as, is it fair to use ‘Kung-Fu’ as an action verb?  What are life trees and what did this one do to end up on the receiving end of a furious barrage of action verbs?  Or maybe you’re wondering, as I am, how nature’s mime scored the booze.  Was the hangover the result of a wild kingdom party fueled by the spoils of a daring liquor store heist OR was it a stupid and bored zookeeper with an extra six pack?  I prefer the first option, which makes me want to be a Kung Fu Panda 2 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“This well-executed sequel is sneaky. While it distracts us with Chinese backdrops and buffoonish humor, it sucker punches us with a message about belonging.”  Joe Williams, St. Louis Post-Dispatch

Do Kung-Fu-infused sucker punches offer wisdom as well as bruises?

“Once again, the DreamWorks team demonstrates that humor is the primary weapon in its arsenal.” Peter Debruge, Variety

Whether you knock ‘em dead or leave ‘em in stitches, humor is often violent.

Exhibit A

“…so confidently made, visually layered, and emotionally affecting, that Pixar – with Cars 2 opening next month – may find itself unexpectedly outclassed.” Jeff Meyers, Metro Times (Detroit, MI)

If you’re like me, your anticipation of Cars 2 is layered with predictable concern.  Cars was low-tier Pixar, which used to be upper-tier Dreamworks.  However, any debate over which studio deserves the title teeters on quality and consistency, which means the only people who can dethrone Pixar are its employees.

“Black is clearly suited for the role of a modern-day Inspector Clouseau, a hero clown who can’t help but save the day.” Scott Bowles, USA Today

Accidental heroism is the flip side of intentional misbehavior.

“Unlike another sequel that is hitting the screens this week, Kung Fu Panda 2 takes the audience to some new places.” Kevin Carr, 7M Pictures

No detective work needed to figure out he’s talking about The Hangover Part 2 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“According to Phillips, the ‘Part II’ in the title is a nod to the second “Godfather,” which matched the genius of its forerunner. Ironically, his own sequel offer is one you should refuse.” Nick de Semlyen, Empire

I wish I could avoid a hangover by simply refusing it.

“It delivers what it’s expected to deliver, and that’s likely to make it a success with anyone who laughed his ass off two summers ago.”  James Berardinelli, ReelViews

For those ‘hers’ in the audience interested in comically killing their couch cushion, consider Bridesmaids.

“Did I laugh? A handful of times. Did I cringe? For 101 minutes.” Carrie Rickey, Philadelphia Inquirer

Good for one minute’s worth of cringing

“Is this some kind of a test? The Hangover, Part II plays like a challenge to the audience’s capacity for raunchiness.” Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

Regardless of whether you have a high or low capacity for raunchiness, there may not be a way to pass this test.

“It’s not that Hangover II is a notably bad movie. It’s more that nothing in it seems to justify all the effort spent to add a new but nearly identical series of episodes to the original.” Shawn Levy, Portland Oregonian

Profit is the only justification studios need.  If you want emotionally compelling art, go see Terrence Malick’s Tree Of Life (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A shape-shifting film, it resembles a poem. At other moments, it is closer to a symphony. Most often, it approximates a fervent prayer.” Claudia Puig, USA Today

Any film compared to songs, poems, and prayers doesn’t deserve any glib commentary from me.

“Better than a masterpiece – whatever that is – The Tree of Life is an eruption of a movie, something to live with, think, and talk about afterward.” Nick Pinkerton, Village Voice

“Daring in concept, occasionally daffy in execution and ultimately unforgettable, Mr. Malick’s film offers a heartfelt answer to the question of where we humans belong – with each other, on this planet, bound by love.”  Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal

“With disarming sincerity and daunting formal sophistication The Tree of Life ponders some of the hardest and most persistent questions, the kind that leave adults speechless when children ask them.” A.O. Scott, The New York Times

King Sheep looks forward to being speechless

└ Tags: , , ,
Comments Off on Hungover Panda Kung-Fu’s Life Tree

Strange Parisian Midnight Pirating

by on May 20, 2011 at 1:45 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

There isn’t anything strange about pirating at midnight, however the French may do it differently.  Perhaps they like brie and Chardonnay before firing their canons.  It makes you wonder about other regional pirate traditions.  Do Mexican pirates enjoy salsa before swashbuckling?  Would African pirates lead their battle charge with a vuvuzela?  And what about the Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?

“I never thought I’d miss the overstuffed craziness of Verbinski’s originals – the squiddly extras, the moments of sheer pop surrealism, the Kraken – but “On Stranger Tides” is like a familiar house where half the furniture has been sold off.” Ty Burr Boston Globe

Perhaps it was a mistake to RELEASE THE KRAKEN…from its contract.

“Yo ho ho and a bottle of sleeping tablets.” Robbie Collin News of the World

I hope no one has 99 bottles on their wall.

“Marshall deserves props for putting the “show” back into the Pirates business. But face it, he’s polishing a giant turd.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

What else can you do if you decide not to flush them?

“If this standard is maintained, I can’t wait to walk the plank for a fifth time.” Roz Laws Birmingham Post

The film is stuck between a reboot and a sequel, which should put maintaining standards and reinvention on equal footing.  However, if you believe in the predictive quality of numeric aggregates:

The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003): $305 million and RT/M: 78%/63%
Dead Man’s Chest (2006) $423 million and RT/M: 54%/53%
At World’s End (2007) $309 million RT/M: 45%/50%
On Stranger Tides (2011) ? million RT/M: 34%/47%

“If there’s a retirement home for pirates, Jack Sparrow might want to go on a quest to find it.” Matt Bochenski Little White Lies

And when Jack gets bored of tormenting nurses at the Tattered Sails Retirement Villa and goes on a quest for more rum, he’ll end up stumbling around at Midnight in Paris (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Woody Allen’s time-travelling comedy Midnight In Paris is a valentine to Paris and an absolute delight.” Boxoffice Magazine Pete Hammond

A valentine to Paris with roses, candlelight, and sunset walks. Can there be so much romance that a person will OD (over delight)?

“It is marvelously romantic, even though – or precisely because – it acknowledges the disappointment that shadows every genuine expression of romanticism.” A.O. Scott New York Times

Love and hate are romantic bedfellows

“A comedy for smart people. Allen’s humor prizes cultural literacy, a rarity in these times. It’s magical, in all the right ways.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

Uh oh, labeling something ‘for smart people’ makes a lot of (smart and dumb) people crazy. Observe:

“The groupie-like celebration of Allen’s doubled-up cultural insecurity and ambition represents a global degradation of culture standards.” Armond White New York Press

Armond is a smart man, but his criticisms are often dumb.

“For my money, the best Allen movie in 10 years, or maybe even close to 20…” Stephanie Zacharek Movieline

King Sheep has T-minus 20 days left in Pullman

└ Tags: , , ,
1 Comment

Every Hersher Priest Bridesmaid Must Go

by on May 13, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

I have no idea what a Hersher priest bridesmaid is, but it might have something to do with Friday the 13th.  Those who fear this day face friggatriskaidekaphobia, while others see the commercial instinct to milk cash out of holiday monotony.  For better or worse, this year’s exploitative effort is weak, at least when the spookiest film is about a vampire-killing, weaponized-crucifix-throwing, facial-tattoo-wearing Priest (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Did Paul Bettany know, when he donned the cowl of the albino monk in ‘The Da Vinci Code’, that he would soon be typecast as Hollywood’s go-to guy for God-bothering multiplex action movies?” Tom Huddleston Time Out

I apologize in advance to any religiously sensitive readers, but I find the idea of God-bothering inherently problematic.  If he’s loving, he’d forgive.  If he’s vengeful, there are bigger assholes to torment.  If he’s omnipotent, he wouldn’t give a damn.

“Doesn’t have a prayer.” Ray Bennett Hollywood Reporter

Perhaps it would help to confess its sins.

“Drab, eye-rollingly stupid and with noisy effects designed to drown out audience snores, Priest is just about as bad as it gets.” David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]

It could be worse

“[E]ven though it’s easy to point out how derivative it is in a lot of ways, it’s also sort of thrilling in how spare and clean and unself-conscious it is about itself…” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

It’s bad and it doesn’t care, which is kinda good.

“The over-optimistic promise of a sequel will hopefully be one premise which remains dead and buried. For ever and ever. Amen.” Graham Young Birmingham Post

But the idea might rise again in three days…if the weekend receipts are miraculous.

“”Priest” is about five beads shy of a rosary.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Other holy analogies considered: four pews short of a parish, three crosses short of tic-tac-toe, and two sins short of needing one prayer.  You might need the latter to see the upcoming, especially if your town is too small for independent films like Hersher (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).


“Too dark for a very broad audience, it will flummox some viewers drawn by its cast but will strike others with its more-than-prickly approach and standoffish humor.” The Hollywood Reporter John DeFore

Stubbornly standoffish speakers shouldn’t pick the prickliest approach possible.

“Hesher, whose arrival on screen is almost always heralded by a demonic speed-metal riff, is a delinquent sociopath with a heart of gold. That’s the false, rather cloying concept behind this smug indie dud…” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

Inventive doesn’t always mean brilliant, but can you name another movie about a sociopath with a heart of gold?

“Only the great Piper Laurie delivers dollar value. Otherwise, Hesher is to movies what graffiti is to a rotting fence.” New York Observer Rex Reed

An improvement

“The guitar solos blasting from Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s sullen, arson-prone wasteoid’s van can’t drown out the dominant bleat of indie-therapy whine.” Bill Weber Slant Magazine

That’s the second reference to drowning out noise with other noise.  I wonder if the media is commenting on itself  in the post-Win Bin Laden news vacuum.  Then again, maybe both movies are just too darn loud.  If that’s the case, take the van, guitars, and all of it – Everything Must Go (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A suburban sales executive reaches a dead-end and must re-evaluate his life while practicing the salutary art of letting go.” Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat Spirituality and Practice

The salutary moral is: when you reach a dead end, empty your pockets before deciding where to go next.

“Will Ferrell is evolving as an artist. Welcome to his blue period.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

His white phase

“…constantly treads the fine line between “incredibly engaging” and “uniquely underwhelming”” Bill Gibron Filmcritic.com

How fine is that line?  It might as well be the difference between a car accident and traffic.

“Ferrell’s dryly understated performance is a shorthand for an alcoholic’s denial and repressed rage, and as Nick grows increasingly desperate for a drink, he keeps his anger stashed like a last beer for emergencies.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

For routine emergencies

“A comparison to Carver’s original story – called “Why Don’t You Dance?,” easily Googleable, and all of 1,600 words long – is instructive.” Boston Globe Ty Burr

As long as we’re offering homework, consider Neil Gaiman’s Instructions.

“The results go only so far. Yet already Ferrell has come a long way as a seriocomic screen presence.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Put seriocomic next to rom-com and dramedy on the list.  The limited labels in film genres have lead to a splintered vocabulary.  The same effect happens to books that are part history, part love story, and get placed next to bodice-rippers.  Such nuances should also be considered regarding Bridesmaids (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“In an age of increasingly bland, formulaic rom-coms that seem to star the same three actresses, “Bridesmaids” is almost a revelation.” Mike Russell Oregonian

It’s a prevelation?

“As much a coronation as a wedding, with Wiig emerging as a successor to Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett as the queen of knockabout comedy.” John Beifuss Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)

Wow.  That review just sold me on which movie to see this weekend.

“She’s an Everywoman you can believe in, showcased in the kind of deft comedy of feminine passion – where deep despair meets Wilson Phillips – that a great many people have been waiting for. Now that Wiig and company have built it, will they come?” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

If you build it, they will be dumb

“Bridemaids sputters, coughs, and lurches, but it’s a winning shambles, buoyed by a sharp, balanced comedic ensemble and some truthful observations about how close friends adapt when their lives fall out of step.” Scott Tobias AV Club

For friggatriskaidekaphobics who fear today’s calendar number, perhaps they would benefit from seeing life as a winning shamble.

“See it because it’s f—ing hilarious.”  Slate Dana Stevens

King Sheep is incredibly f----ing -----!

└ Tags: , , , , ,
Comments Off on Every Hersher Priest Bridesmaid Must Go

Thor’s Hobo Beaver Shotgun

by on May 6, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

If Asgard is overrun by a transient beaver population and the Gods switch from fists to firearms, shotguns would produce the most appropriate sound effect for the God of thunder, aka. Thor (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).



“Humor is the most powerful weapon deployed by director Kenneth Branagh in Thor, his rollicking take on the comic.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

Thor: the God of Giggles?

“Hemsworth, an Aussie actor with a vocal command to match his heaving brawn, doesn’t just play the role, he owns it. I’m expecting both sexes will feel his impact.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

“Women want to be with him and men want to be him,” used to define James Bond, but the description works just as well for charming deities.

“An epic adventure of the classical sense, blending Norse mythology with human drama, romance, and a splash of hammer time!” Mark Sells The Reel Deal

MC Hammer is part of modern mythology

“All told, though, Thor suffers from “Iron Man 2” syndrome: too much backstory, too many subplots and character introductions, and not nearly enough full-frontal nudity from Natalie Portman, who frankly is given very little to work with here.” Austin Chronicle Marc Savlov

If he wants the full Natalie, isn’t he asking her to work with less?

“All that director Kenneth Branagh must do with Thor is not mess it up, and he succeeds. But that isn’t enough. The results aren’t as exhilarating as the first “Iron Man,” but Downey can’t play every superhero.”  St. Petersburg Times Steve Persall

I can’t picture him as Wonder Woman.  However, speaking of powerful women, there are three Rom-Dom-Coms (Romantic Domestic Comedies) this week that range from a coin flip (roughly 50% positive reviews) to much worse (shit).  You can choose from Something Borrowed (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) for a wedding, a reception with families Jumping The Broom (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic), or young couples wondering about Last Night (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  Considering the star of the next film and the vulgar seque opportunity presented by the title, lets just skip ahead to a story about The Beaver (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Let us begin by saying The Beaver is good enough to let you forget everything you think you know about Mel Gibson for 90 minutes.” Liz Braun Jam! Movies

It’s a ninety minute distraction from the star of the movie?

“Jodie Foster’s drama The Beaver, starring Mel Gibson as a depressed man who communicates via a hand puppet, is many things: admirably sincere, occasionally poignant, often trite and perversely wrong-headed.” Jason Anderson eye WEEKLY

It would be wrong-headed to have the puppet speaking for Mel.

“Is Gibson showing us the character or himself or some combination of the two? You decide. But whoever that is onscreen, it’s the saddest man in the world.” Mick LaSalle San Francisco Chronicle

Proof a puppet can make you sad

“I don’t know whether Gibson is Method-acting out of his own psychology or is just a brilliant mimic, but it’s tough to resist the conclusion that this guy knows what it’s like to look in the mirror and not quite recognize the person he sees there.” Andrew O’Hehir Salon.com

I love meta-level film where the actor’s presence adds an additional layer of meaning for the story.  It’s like watching The Naked Gun and laughing at the bumbling cop played by OJ Simpson.

“There may be a lot of talk about this being the return of “actor Mel,” but The Beaver is also the return of director Foster.” Peter Paras E! Online

Vigilante Hauer stars in our final film, the bluntly titled Hobo With A Shotgun (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The closest thing the film gets to a message? “When life gives you razor blades, you make a baseball bat covered in razor blades.” Sounds like a quote for a Successories poster in hell.” Scott Tobias NPR

Why would the Devil arm Hell’s citizens with spiked bats and motivational posters?

“A non-stop, over-the-top, intentionally ridiculous smorgasbord of violence and bloodshed that ceases being disturbing and just becomes pure, 100% fun.” Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com

Past disturbing is pure fun?  That sounds like a recruitment poster for hell.

“Hobo With a Shotgun pushes every button it can find, then pounds them into the panel, then smashes the panel with a wrecking ball.” Rob Vaux Mania.com

I don't see an 'any key'

“The brilliance begins and ends with its title..feels less like a movie than a joke about a movie, to which you need to buy a ticket to see the punchline. It’s not worth it.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

If the movie succeeds on title alone, I look forward to Hobo With A Sequel.

“The movie’s all garish colour and spurting squibs, with the occasional burst of T&A titillation. As Mel Brooks once said, it rises below vulgarity.” Norman Wilner Now Playing Magazine

King Sheep prefers Oscar Wilde’s ”quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.”

└ Tags: , , ,
1 Comment

Fast Hood’s Evil Wink

by on April 28, 2011 at 3:08 pm
Posted In: Blog, humor, movie reviews, updates

If evil winking hoods are your thing, give yourself a high five.  If they frighten you, make it a Fast Five (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Tough on nuance, tough on the causes of nuance, this episode has the highest velocity and lowest IQ yet. See it on the biggest, loudest, dumbest screen you can find.” Nick De Semlyen Empire Magazine

I can find a loud dumb crowd to watch the movie with, so long as the real purpose isn’t to drown out bad dialogue with chatter from strangers.

“Well, it’s a more fun trip to Rio than Rio. As the reckless flailing of a lot of meatheads, Fast Five is essentially a food fight with sloppy Joes.” Matt PaisRedEye

Prepare to meat your maker

“Manages to be more fun than any movie with its outrageous carbon footprint has any right to be.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

I lack the blind environmental rage needed to care about the carbon footprint of fictional events.

“These movies are sheer silliness, improbable roadway mayhem interspersed with obligatory fistfights and gunplay, all coated with a noxious layer of adolescent macho posturing.” Christopher Lloyd Sarasota Herald-Tribune

1-2-3-4 I declare a thumb war peace agreement

“High-octane trash, but you will go ‘Ohhhhhh!’” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

I need that sound effect translated.  Is that a surprised ‘Oh’ (goo minus the G) or “Ohhh” (excited pleasure)?

“Fast & Furious 5 can be defined as “good” if you look at it purely from a guilty pleasure level.” Simon Reynolds Digital Spy

Five out of five stars on the ‘I expected crap’ scale. If you feel deceived by an inaccurate rating, you were Hoodwinked too! (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Less a movie than a ill-advised lab experiment in which classic children’s stories are injected with Bond-movie stylings, inane wisecracks and martial-arts mayhem, this manic misfire takes storybook revisionism to ever more irritating ends.” Variety Justin Chang

Bond movies and fairy tales have plenty in common.  After all, Goldfinger = Rumpelstiltskin, The Gingerbread Man = For Your Eyes Only, and Sleeping Beauty = You Only Live Twice.  Plus, if AC/DC played Cinderella’s ball, it’d be a Thunderball.

“Yes, it’s in 3D and no, it’s not remotely as good as ‘Rio.’” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

But my question was about the use of ‘too’ rather than ‘two’ in the title.

“Once upon a time, fairy tales were told with beauty, wit, simplicity and charm, a tradition that seems increasingly a thing of the past in Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil.” Justin Chang Variety

A new tradition?

“The only thing to admire is Anne Hathaway’s decision to skip this cheap-o sequel. Hosting the Oscars offered a narrower risk of embarrassment.” Steve Persall St. Petersburg Times

While the lackluster presentation of awards was embarrassing, it wasn’t any worse than most actor’s shameless attempts to earn them.

“Panettiere’s performance has the straightforwardness of a jumbo crayon.” Boxoffice Magazine Sara Maria Vizcarrondo

King Sheep has the straightforwardness of a crazy straw wrapped around a corkscrew

└ Tags: , , ,
Comments Off on Fast Hood’s Evil Wink